Warning: This post may have a significant amount of cursing! The other day I was at my sister’s house while she was watching TV. I asked her what she was watching and she jokingly responded with, “Fucking mind your neck, bitch.” This is the type of relationship I have with my sisters. It’s really very lovely. We both started cracking up, not only because of what she said, but because of the way she said it. Then we both agreed that we should start a show titled Fucking Mind Your Neck, Bitch. I envision it being akin to Peter Griffin’s What Grinds My Gears show with a Jesse Pinkman “Bitch” thrown around for good measure. Because let’s face it, sometimes people really do not know boundaries and need to be told to “Fucking mind their necks!”
Here are some questions that we should retire and stop asking other people:
Why are you still single? Maybe it’s because I just haven’t found the right one. Maybe it’s because I love being single. Or maybe it’s because I’m insane and no one wants to date me. But either way, it’s none of your business. And thanks for adding the still and really letting me know that I’ve been single long enough already.
Are you going to eat all of that? Yes! And if you ask me that question one more time, your face is going to become the side dish.
Why don’t you ever want to have kids? This question is usually accompanied with a “what is wrong with you” face. Having kids is a choice, it’s not a given. Some people make the choice to never have kids. And no it does not make them selfish or immature. In fact, I give these people a lot of credit for recognizing they do not want kids before it’s too late. Nothing is worse than someone having a child and then realizing they weren’t ready/didn’t really want to become a parent.
So when are you two finally going to have kids? I’ve seen this happen to too many people. The second you get married, you should start having kids. You walk down the aisle and people start with the pregnancy questions. I want a bride to respond with, “Yep, didn’t you see him stick in real fast up at the altar. I’m due in nine months!” All jokes aside, this is a really insensitive question. For all you know this couple has been trying to get pregnant for the past year with no results. I’m sure they appreciate you reminding them of the fact that it hasn’t worked.
So, when are you two going to have another baby? Seeing a trend here? Let’s not ask any questions about kids. If someone chooses to never have kids, that’s their choice. When, and if, a couple decides to have a child, is their choice. Once they have a child, they may choose to never have a second one. Or they may choose to wait three months to work on baby number two or 10 years. Again, this is their choice.
It’s after 12, how did you sleep all day? First of all, it’s only 12. There is still plenty of day left. Second of all, I love my bed. If I don’t have any plans requiring me to leave it, why should I?
If you hate it so much, why don’t you just quit your job? Hmm, I dunno. Maybe because I have rent that needs to be paid. Or maybe because I do get hungry from time to time and food isn’t free.
Don’t you think you’ve had enough wine? I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it. So fucking mind your neck, bitch!
And before you start thinking I’m someone you can’t ask anything, here’s a question you can always ask me: Would you like a cupcake?