I just came across an article today on Elite Daily that really rubbed me the wrong way. The article in question was titled “An Open Letter to the Girl Who Let the Nice Guy Go.” I tried to look at the article objectively. It’s clearly written by someone who regrets a dating decision she’s made. And that I can relate to. Plenty of us, myself included, have that one person that we felt we’ve let get away and regret it. So while I was able to relate to the regret the author was feeling, I was not keen on the tone she was taking.
There was an assumption that if a girl starts dating a guy who is “nice”, that’s it. She does not need to take in any other factors. He’s nice so she is a fool if she lets him go. It’s one of the reasons that Summer is viewed as a bitch in 500 Days of Summer. (Which is a fantastic movie and if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to do so immediately.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Tom plays the nice guy who instantly falls head over heels with Zooey Deschanel’s Summer. While Summer enjoys hanging out with Tom, she always feels that there is something missing. She eventually leaves Tom and many viewers questioned what was wrong with Summer. She had a nice guy and she left him go! How could she?
So by this logic, if I come across a guy who is nice to me, am I supposed to drop everything and be with him? Who cares if we don’t have a connection. He holds the door for me and tells me I’m pretty. That’s all us ladies need in a committed relationship.
It’s this way of thinking that reinforces the nice guy and friend zone mentality so many boys seem to have these days. Being nice to someone else does not entitle you to anything. Sex, a relationship, cookies. Not a thing. You choose to do something nice for someone, you want to know the only thing you deserve? A “thank you.” Nothing more, nothing less.
So you were nice to your partner and she left you? Maybe she wasn’t physically attracted to you. (While I will say this is not the most important factor to a relationship, it is crucial.) Maybe she didn’t feel any connection. Maybe she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe she thought you were boring. The list is endless. There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work. If they were easy and not complicated, we’d all be married off by the time we were 19.
Exactly I agree with this post! It’s not about finding “the nice guy” it’s finding “the right guy”. I enjoyed this post. Keep up the good work 🙂
Perfectly said. Of course, being nice is one the requirements but it’s not the only one.
You are exactly right.
The term “friend-zoned” somehow only applies to women rejecting men. There are plenty of nice girls out there that have interest in someone and get rejected. She gets told, “hey… he’s just not that into you. Get over it and move on.”
With men the idea that you can be nice AND be sexually rejected by a woman is somehow unacceptable. Women get to decide who they want to be with on any criteria they determine, and there is never a reason we would owe anyone sex. There is no such thing as “friend-zoned.” There is just a guy who got a no and didn’t like what he heard.
There is still value in a friendship, but only if the man believes the woman has value beyond sex.
I love your comment. It’s so true, especially the “he’s just not that into you” part.
I can’t agree more!
Wow, I love this post. You’re so right, being a “nice guy” does not entitle you to a damn thing. Men obviously look for much more than simply a nice girl. So do women. Maybe finding a nice guy is a priority, but simply being nice is not enough to motivate me to hold a relationship with someone. Fantastic blog! Care to check out mine? Downwiththenorm.com
Thank you for the kind words. I just checked out your blog and I love it! 🙂
I couldn’t have said it better myself, girl! I actually just got out of a relationship with the perennial “nice” guy. Sure, he was super sweet, and caring and one of the most sincere guys I have ever dated, there was something that was just off. He looked good on paper, and my family loved him, but as nice as he was, I didn’t get that feeling. You know the one, that over-the-moon, shoot-for-the-stars, homerun and butterfly in your stomach feeling. You can’t force your heart to feeling something that isn’t there, no matter what your head is telling you. I loved what midnighteagle said: “It’s really not about finding the ‘nice’ guy, it’s about finding the ‘right’ guy.
I had the same thing. A few months ago I was dating this guy who was so nice to me. And I felt this pressure to try to make it work simply because he was being nice to me. I even had a few friends tell me I was dumb to let him go. But in the end, I didn’t feel anything for him. Trying to force it would have been unfair to myself and to him.
It’s a hard thing, but you’re 100% right; it wouldn’t have been fair for either parties. Sometimes love just sucks like a vacuum, doesn’t it?
Nice article. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Loved yours 🙂 very ‘nicely’ put!
I am so so happy that this issue is being talked about more because it really is absurd the sense of entitlement these seemingly “nice guys” have. I love looking through your blog, I laughed out loud SO many times. That’s why I nominated you for a Liebster Award! Check it out! http://mindofamermaid.wordpress.com/2014/06/28/who-me/
Aw this is so awesome! Thank you so much. I can’t wait to answer the questions and get my nominations out. 🙂
This post is brilliant! :] For every ‘nice guy’ there are a million douchebags and a couple of ‘right guys’. Being with a nice guy is easy and finding that right guy is hard…but so worth it when it happens :]
Thank you! Yes it’s all about finding the right guy.
Hear hear! Great post, totally spot on! I know plenty of nice guys, but that doesn’t mean they’re the right person for me. In fact this silly idea of sticking with the nice guy made me stay in an unhappy relationship for way too long when I was younger. I won’t be making that mistake again anytime soon
Thank you! So many people wind up staying in relationships because the other person is nice. I just don’t understand that. In the end, it isn’t fair to you or your significant other.
Precisely, full agreement here 🙂
This is SO true! I think what matters if your guy stays ‘nice’ once the going gets tough! 🙂 loved your blog!
Thank you! 🙂
This post is so accurate, the assumption that just because a man (or woman) is nice to you means that you have to be attracted to them. treating someone pleasantly dose not immediately qualify you for a relationship with them. I have in the past had people be hostile towards me because I no longer felt the spark in a relationship. My then boyfriend had done nothing wrong I simply didn’t find myself falling in love with them, at all. it good to see someone pointing this truth out. ps. I only recently found your blog but already love it.
Thank you! 🙂
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. At thirty, that can be a pretty significant source of anxiety. Turns out high-functioning autism can make those awkward adolescent years even more awkward and adolescent-y. Anyway, it took me perhaps longer (or shorter, in the case of some guys) to figure out that being a “nice guy” isn’t a goal. It’s a prerequisite. Oh, you exhibit basic human decency and manners and actually listen to the people you’re talking to? Congratulations. You’re allowed to function in society. That’s pretty much all niceness gets you. Which is a pretty sweet deal, if you ask me. (Seriously, I just treat people with love and kindness and I magically have very few problems. It rocks.)
And as for being friend-zoned, well, I always thought it was good to have friends? So no, Summer was not a bitch for leaving Tom. Tom was an idiot. I think that’s the point of the movie.
Awesome comment! I agree with everything you said about being a “nice guy”. If more guys thought like you, we’d all be better off.
Thnx for this article 🙂
I went into rebound with a guy who i wasnt physically attracted to..
N i dumped him
Many treated me like a villain
Bt i stood by myself n ws true to myself
I regret hooking up wid him,not breakin up wid him. N i never will
Niceness is nt d only requirement for a rel’nship
Reblogged this on drprads and commented:
Juz bcz u r nice doesn mean i should marry u!!