If the Author of 50 Shades of Grey* Was Honest in Her Writing

The office - I don't get it. I just don't get it

This is me during the whole 50 Shades hysteria.

So I finally watched the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. It was more out of curiosity than anything else. There is much I can say about the trailer but I am not going to get into it here. Sure the girl playing Ana looks like she’s about 35 and Christian Grey could have been so good-looking if they just slapped some friggen facial hair on him. What I found interesting was that it looked like a trailer for a horror/thriller film. Christian Grey looked like a psychopath getting ready to murder his next victim. I hope this means the movies will be portraying Christian for what he really is: an obsessive, stalker, sociopath.

I remember expressing my disdain for this book and someone had the audacity to say to me, “I think you need to experience more to enjoy this book.” At the time, I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I came up with the perfect response in my head later that night: I think you need to read more to realize that these books are crap. What was this guy trying to imply anyway? Because I’ve never been locked up in a room and had anal beads shoved up my ass, I couldn’t possibly understand the complex story the author was trying to tell? Lolita is one of my favorite books of all time but this 50 Shades of Shit novel is just too taboo for me! That seems about right.

There are some real problems that can be discussed at length about this book. The way that women idolize Christian Grey is a big one when his only redeeming qualities are that he’s rich and good-looking. And the rich thing is a bit iffy. If you came across Donald Trump and he acted as psychotic as Christian Grey, even the most shameless of gold diggers would probably be like, “I don’t care how many diamond encrusted dildos this guy wants to buy me. He’s insane, I’m out.”

As someone who loves books more than anything in the world, what bothers me the most about 50 Shades of Grey is the writing. Holy guacamole is it bad! I have a serious problem with fanfiction becoming published work. (It’s the same reason I think City of Bones is a joke of a book.) Now, this isn’t knocking all fanfiction and those who write it. And it isn’t saying that just because someone writes fanfiction they don’t have the talent to become a published author. I just don’t think that people should be making money off of stories where the themes and characters were taken from someone else’s work. That’s right, people. Your beloved novel is basically Twilight 2.0. You all are going crazy over the human version of Bella and Edward banging.

Still undecided about whether or not you should read this book? The short answer is, “you shouldn’t.” But if you don’t want to take the advice from a random stranger (even though you should cause I really know what I’m talking about), I’m gonna sum up what the book is about in just a few short paragraphs and save you the trouble.

Christina Grey at Work
Look at me. I’m so important. I own an entire empire at such a young age. How you ask? I have no idea seeing as I barely do any work. Excuse me for a second, I need to go send an email. Haha, my hot secretary probably thinks I’m doing very important work right now. I’m really just emailing my girlfriend telling her how I want to tie her up and smack her around when I get home. *checks watch* Well, I’ve been here a whole five minutes. That’s enough work for the CEO for one week. Gotta go now and spank my girlfriend for a few hours.

Ana and Orgasms
I have a magical vagina. Oh excuse me, I mean down there area. You’ll never actually hear me call my down there area by its proper name. Now back to this magical “down there area” I have. Christian spanks me and I cum. He says my name and I cum. He looks at me and I cum. If I go into the bathroom after he’s taken a shit and smell it, I cum.

Ana and her Self-Esteem
I’m so plain-looking. My best guy friend is basically in love with me. I wish I could be beautiful like my roommate. Ya know that guy I keep comparing to a Greek God? He’s totally in love with me. Wah, why am I not pretty? Oh, male boss. Naturally he’s obsessed with me and wants me. So let’s see: I am completely average looking and have no discernible personality, yet everyone I come across that has a penis is instantly in love with me. Seems legit!

Christian and his Stalker Tendencies
That girl I just met. I like her. She pleases me. I shall have her. Time to call a private detective to tell me everything there is to know about her. Haha, silly girl doesn’t want to work for me and wants to get a job on her own in a different company. I don’t think so. I’m gonna just go buy that company now since I’m the richest person in the world and can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I cannot believe this girl thinks she can have a life on her own. Doesn’t she know who I am? I own her now.

Ana and her Inner Goddess and Subconscious
I bet you thought my boyfriend was the crazy one? Ha, think again! I clearly suffer from some multiple personality disorder. But it’s so cute. Look at my Inner Goddess! She’s doing a salsa dance in the corner cause Christian just fisted me at the dinner table. My subconscious wasn’t too happy. She was weeping over a Jane Austen novel trying to ignore the hand in her ass.

So that’s it people. That’s the entire novel. You’re welcome. For those of you still interested in seeing the movie, I’d like to tell you about this little thing we call porn. You should check it out. You’ll find better story lines and most likely better acting.

*To stop myself from being overly obnoxious, I refrained from calling the book and movie 50 Shades of Shit the whole post. It was difficult but I did it!

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39 comments

  1. Haha with my hipster mentality I had opted out of reading these books but it sounds like maybe it was good thing. I’ve heard enough people talk about them to get the gist of it. I’ve always been a little weirded out by the whole “fanfiction” thing. I guess I shouldn’t mock another person’s preference of writing…but it definitely would limit your creativity. Art is theft I suppose. Funny post! It had me laughing and re-convinced me not to read this series.

    1. I will read anything and everything, and I figured I couldn’t properly make fun of the books if I didn’t see what they were all about. But I would never recommend it to anyone else, EVER!

      1. At what point can you say that not reading these books means willful ignorance? I can’t stand the people who criticize Harry Potter without having read them, but the outrage over that series is about something I don’t believe to be real (witchcraft). Yet we all know abuse is real. So reading these books seems like trying cigarettes to see if they really do cause cancer.

    1. Yea, that really worries me. I guess it’s fine if people view these books as mindless, frivolous entertainment. But I don’t get the people who call this a beautiful, romantic love story.

  2. Actually the actress playing Ana is 24. I’m disturbed that someone younger than me is involved in the making of this movie.

    I cast a Facebook poll asking people to sincerely explain the appeal of this book to me. One of my friends who is into BDSM says she hates the books because that aspect of sexuality is portrayed in a very dangerous way. Apparently the BDSM community at large (didn’t even know there was such a thing!) places heavy emphasis on consent (as they should), which is nowhere to be seen in these books. There’s “safety words” and lots of discussion involved if a couple wants to venture down that route, but clearly the only person making the bedroom decisions is Christian.

    Haven’t read the books myself, but given the subject matter, it would be like starting to smoke cigarettes so I can find out if they really cause cancer.

    1. OK, I had to check on IMDB because I just didn’t believe the actress was 24. She’s the same age as my little sister. That’s crazy to me!

      I won’t even pretend that I know anything about the BDSM community but I have seen a lot of people comment that the book is a horrible portrayal of a BDSM relationship.

  3. Bahaha! High-five and a mjor fist bump, girl! I completely, 110% agree! I tried, I really did, to get through 50 Shades but the writing?! I mean! I think my four-year nephew could have come up with a better plot line/dialogue/story that James (although I for sure hope to goodness he is not writing about anything but trucks and baseball at his age, sans the S&M). I can see people reading these books for sheer, mindless entertainment, but to call them masterful and epic pieces of written work? Well, I just might have to slap them silly with their paperback.

  4. I totally agree with your comments…as someone “mother age”, I was appalled with the whole concept of domination…it’s nothing new and it wasen’t acceptable the first time around either…I got through part of the first book… and the writing was not masterful by any stretch of any imagination.

  5. Had me laughing to myself loads this post! 🙂 it’s always been surprising to me how a book like that was so appealing to the masses. However I think the curiosity factor with most people is the reason why it caught on so strong.

    1. Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me that much that something like this gets popular. People like stupid stuff sometimes. It’s the same reason a show like Two and a Half Men can stay on for a million seasons.

  6. I haven’t read these books. No desire whatsoever. My friends would go on and on about them. I’m the say way, I just don’t get it. After reading this post, I don’t have a need to read them or watch the movie – I’m pretty sure you summed them up pretty accurately!

  7. When my daughter was into Twilight books I read over her shoulder one day and thought “That writing is bad.” I guess I don’t need to crack open this book either. Not that I ever planned to. Thank you for this wonderful and hilarious review. ❤

  8. Awesome blog! And it cracked me up so much! I’m in full agreement with everything you said! I assume anyone who finds this book amazing isn’t a real book reader, because any real book reader will tell you this is crap and so horribly written that they’d never be able to get past the first few pages. But hey, sex sells so the author got lucky there. It never would have made best-seller without the extreme porn scenes, and everyone knows it. End of rant…

    1. Thanks for the comment! As much as I want to hate on the author, I have to admit I’m a little jealous too. She is making more money than I probably ever will. I can’t fault her on that. I’d probably sell out and write a few porn books if I knew it was going to make me millions.

  9. Thank you for taking one for the team of us that haven’t read the book. I was contemplating hate-reading it for fun (similar to when I hate-watched Smash, back in the day), but life’s too short for 50 Shades of Shit, methinks.

  10. Totally agree with your description of the series. The fact that this whole thing has come out of the ‘Twilight Saga” which is another pointless story, always makes me laugh. 😀

  11. Was I the only one physically and psychologically disturbed by the trailer? Like, I had to put the iPhone down, go outside, and listen to the birds for a minute and just think about life.

  12. Your critique is fucking awesome! I’ve been curious about the book, but apparently not enough to pick it up. I’ve found the rabid obsession people have with it off-putting. Now I will never have to assuage my curiosity by reading it. Thank you.

  13. I am glad you wrote about this. This book is demeaning to woman. Woman get upset when a man watches porn, but they are allowed to read book porn. By the way I do not condone porn at all, they both are demeaning to both sexes and provide unrealistic expectations. I don’t understand the hype or fascination.

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