Adulthood is hard and confusing. And leaves me with way more questions than answers.
1. Do rich people ever bother going to baby/bridal showers?
No one actually likes going to showers. If you really like going to showers, then we probably can’t be friends. Sorry, I don’t make up the rules. Who likes watching a person open 27 different types of dishes or dozens of packages of diapers? There’s a reason every shower has guests playing that BINGO gift game. The only redeeming qualities of any shower are the free food, free cake, and free alcohol. If I go to your shower and there is no wine, I am immediately leaving, but not before I piss in your wishing well. When you’re rich, the word free means nothing to you. They don’t need to sit through a rousing game of “Guess what’s in the bride’s bag?” just for free cake. Also, if you’re rich, are you really throwing yourself a shower? If I were friends with Oprah and she invited me to her bridal shower, I’d laugh. “How about you buy your own damn butter dish, and buy me a car while you’re at it!”
2. If I had bigger boobs and could stand in heels, would I seriously consider becoming a stripper?
I’d like to think my answer to this question would be no. And unfortunately, my morals are too high and I don’t have enough daddy issues to really consider a life of stripping. However, it does make me a little mad that it’s not even an option. Do you know how fast I could pay off my student loans? I’d be the ultimate cliche. “I’m just stripping to pay my way through school.” Except instead of school, I’m paying my way through student loans. I also have this fantasy that I’ll be on stage, a rich mogul will see me, instantly fall in love with me, and save me from stripping and the hells of student loans and job applications. Yeah I want a Pretty Woman-esque life. So what?
3. How does one person have so much laundry?
For a woman who will wear the same jeans and bra about fifty times in a row before washing them, I accumulate a lot of laundry throughout the week. I really don’t even know how it happens. I wash my clothes, dry them, and by the time I finally get around to putting them away, I need to start all over again. It’s a vicious cycle with no end in sight.
4. Why is grocery shopping so difficult?
I still haven’t gotten the whole grocery shopping thing down. It never goes smoothly. I always forget my reusable shopping bags. (That’s why I have so many plastic bags stored in a closet in my apartment. I like the environment too much to just throw them away, but clearly not enough to remember to bring the reusable bags.) I never know which supermarket to actually go to. Which one has the best deals? And when do the deals end? I always come a day after the Oreo’s were $2.99 a pack. But here is my biggest issue with grocery shopping: How much food do I buy? I am always throwing food away because it’s going bad. Then if I buy too little, I’ll be starving after three days. How much chicken will feed a family of one for a week? This is a serious question!
5. When did I become so familiar with toilet bowl cleaner? And why the fuck do I have a favorite?
When did this become my life? But seriously, the Mr. Clean Magic Wand is my shit! I highly recommend it!
6. Are three Oreo’s, a block of cheese, and salt & vinegar chips an adequate dinner?
I actually really like cooking. But I love cooking for people. When I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is whip up a three course meal for one. That’s time consuming and depressing. When I come home from work, all I want to do is take my bra off, lay in bed, and stuff my face. I need things that can come right out of the cabinets and straight into my belly. No oven required.
7. Why are you so disgusting? Are you ever going to clean your apartment?
This one kind of speaks for itself. Don’t come over to my place. I don’t want you catching anything by sitting on my couch. Actually, I take that back. Please come over! That’s the only time I ever get any cleaning done, when I know someone is coming over and I have to make the place look somewhat presentable.