Don’t Come into My House and Expect to Live

spider-house-fire

“It’s bad luck to kill spiders.”

“If I see a bug in my house, I’ll catch it so I can let it free outside.”

Just shut up! Take that hippie, we’re all God’s creatures, peace-loving nonsense somewhere else. Bugs are proof that the devil is real! “But Liz, many bugs are a vital part of our ecosystem.” Again, shut it!

The other night I was under attack. So normally I’m an old lady and I am in bed by 10 and asleep by 11. This particular night I stayed up late finishing up my book. It was one of those “I only have four chapters left, why stop now?” kind of nights. So it was 12:30 a.m. when I was finally ready to get some sleep. I left my bedroom and walked into my living room heading for the bathroom. I made it about two steps into the living room before I was stopped dead in my tracks. There was a bug about the size of my thumb chilling on my floor next to my couch. (I don’t have large hands. They are average-sized for someone who is 5’5. So while my thumb isn’t big for my hand, it’s fucking ginormous for a tiny creature chilling in my apartment.)

I immediately went into panic mode because a) bugs are my archnemesis, b) I never know how to properly deal with them, and c) I had no idea what kind of bug it was, which was the scariest thing of all. It was half cockroach, half praying mantis, and 100% devil spawn!

I geared up for battle. I grabbed some windex to slow the bastard down and put on socks and sneakers to squash him to death. I sprayed him with windex which didn’t do much. He just slid under the couch leaving me to go into full-on panic mode. Now, I can’t find the fucker. I pushed my couch this way and that but he didn’t come out. I started to fear that he slipped into the couch and I’d need to burn it. FINALLY, after pushing my couch all the way to the wall (at least my arms got a work out!), I saw him. I tossed away the windex since that didn’t do anything anyway and stomped on the little thing. I did the stomp and twist to make sure he’s really dead. If any of you are thinking, “Aw, poor guy,” again I have to tell you to shut it! This bitch came into my house uninvited!

So now he’s dead and in the garbage. My heart rate was starting to return back to normal. I was still freaking out a bit and planned do to a little Googling before I went to sleep to figure out what kind of bug it was.

So I lay down in my comfy bed, ready to finally get some rest. Then I saw it in the corner of my eye. There was another bug in my bed. IN MY BED! Is nothing sacred? This little shit was laying right next to my pillow. (To every person who said “Maybe he just wanted to keep you company” when you were told this story, I want to punch you in the face!) I shot out of bed and flailed around like I was on fire. I had no idea how to even kill this one. I didn’t want to do the whole sneaker and squash. He was on my bed. My sneakers walk on dirty floors all the time. Not a good combination.

I grabbed the hardest object on my bed: a textbook. (Since I started school, I sleep with my textbooks every night with all the intentions to finally do some work but then I wind up playing Candy Crush and falling asleep.) So I squish this new little bastard in between my pillow and my textbook. It works. He dies. The $100 textbook is finally put to good use!

That right there is the biggest con to living alone! That is the number one reason I would consider marrying someone. So he can kill any critter that dares to come into my house. Any potential male suitors, if you’re afraid of bugs, please walk away now. It won’t work. It’s not me, it’s you.

Clearly, I didn’t sleep in my house that night. I headed over to my sister’s place and started doing some research on what kind of bug had the audacity to come into my house not once, but twice! Turns out it was a cricket. A fucking cricket! That made me just feel like an asshole. Did I really go 28-years without knowing what a cricket looks like? “But Liz, haven’t you ever seen Pinocchio?” Yes I have. But I did not realize that in real life Jiminy Cricket is something out of a nightmare.

So on top of working, going to school, and now taking on a second job (apparently I have become a sadist who never wants to sleep again), I have been dealing with an army of crickets in my apartment.

The opening where we believe they have been entering has been closed up. The apartment has also been fogged out twice. If I still see another cricket in my house after all this, I may catch it and bring it in for research. Clearly, I have discovered some new species of bionic crickets.

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22 comments

  1. “100% devil spawn!”

    Absolutely. And FYI, it’s not guaranteed that being married to a guy means you don’t have to deal with spiders anymore. In my house, when I hear my husband yelp for me, I know that means I have to put on my shiny paladin armor, grab my Righteous Hammer 2H mace (+Strength, +Courage, -Charisma), smite the mini-demon and toss his body back through the portal to hell … errr … flush him down the toilet.

    1. Haha great description of what it’s like to go into battle against a bug. Ugh, I hate them so much! I will be so disappointed if I married someone and still had to do the bug killing! I’d feel so shafted!

  2. LMAO!!!! This is hilarious! I’d probably do the same thing. I’m considering putting up signs around my neighborhood for a handsome man to kill bugs for me. Instead of Must Love Dogs, it’ll be Must Kill Bugs. 😀

  3. Sorry but the best thing I can suggest is that go to bed at 10.00 as normal:) they are coming out not expecting to see you awake! forget about the whole thing and return to the tranquillity you once had. nature never gives up:) stay calm stay happy

  4. I do housecleaning and have found out that anything by Mr. Clean or Spic and Span kill on contact…that kind of makes me worried about pets and children walking on wet floors with it on…
    I just read that if you get a spray bottle and put water and mint extract in it and spray it on your windows and doors, the bugs won’t come in…

  5. 120,000% EEK!!!! I am NOT a fan of bugs. Like, all of them give me the heebie-jeebies. One time I spent a whole night literally moving every piece of furniture I had into the middle of the room because he/she/it kept hiding under my dresser/couch/chair/shelf. I couldn’t not go to bed knowing that it was somewhere lurking in my apartment, just waiting for me to turn a blind eye and POUNCE on me (do bus really pounce? I don’t know and I don’t care to find out really). So I 120,000 % feel ya, girl. I do!

    P.S. As a side note, Windex works wonders when exterminating bugs. My family had a really bad red any infestation when I was younger and we walked around with Windex strapped to ourselves like ammo.

  6. Ok
    a) Great post! b) never come to Australia. Our bugs are Prehistoric! and c) they bite!
    I have relatives in Scandinavia who refuse to visit because they are too scared of our spiders and snakes 😦
    I’m scared of being caught in a blizzard but I still visit them.

  7. I am laughing so hard at you and all your wonderful commenters I can hardly breath. The great bug hunters in my house are my male cockatiels, Squeak and Beau. The fearlessly kick all spider ass for me so I don’t have to. Julie

  8. Once a small lizard somehow creeped into my house. Outside of my house I would’ve been like awwww lizard, but once inside my house lizards are bastards. I too would marry someone for their bug disposal capabilities. It makes me wish Harry Potter was real and you could send the jerks packing!

    1. Haha! Luckily there aren’t really any lizards where I am so I don’t have to worry about that. But I agree with you. If I saw a small lizard outside, I’d think it was cute. If it was in my house, I’d freak out.

  9. When I was in college there were all kinds of bugs I had never seen before! Once I woke up to turn my alarm off, and a fucking cricket was ON THE SNOOZE BUTTON. Like, wow, what an asshole?! I feel your pain!! Wishing you a cricket-less home from now on!

  10. I once said to a former roommate, “I’m declaring a full-fledged spider holocaust in here. Any eight-legged creature caught in this apartment will be executed on site.” So glad to see someone else equally as passionate about not allowing those fuckers to intrude on our property!

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