The Super Bowl is this weekend. A time to gather with friends, drink a lot of beer, eat three dozen wings, and watch some commercials….oh yea, there will be a football game thrown in the mix as well.
I’m kidding. I love sports. I haven’t been able to stay on top of my favorite teams as much as I normally do cause I’ve been so busy but I still love my sports. I grew up watching baseball (Go Yankees!) and football is definitely the most entertaining sport to watch (Go Giants!).
However, sometimes being a female sports fan can be difficult. Plenty of times you’ll find that you’re not taken seriously. So in honor of the Super Bowl I decided to give you ladies the 411 on how to act like a proper female sports fan. Follow these rules or else you may be mistaken for a fake fan who’s just watching the game to attract men. Because as we all know, a woman’s main goal in life is to attract men.
Don’t find any players attractive – It does not matter if you are a straight female who normally finds men appealing. You need to turn that off unless people start thinking you only watch for the eye candy. Because spending three hours watching a game you don’t like just to catch a glimpse of the hot wide receiver without his helmet on is perfectly normal behavior. So remember you must never find a player cute. You don’t want the guy ogling the cheerleader to think you’re a fake fan.
Memorize all the stats and the entire history of your favorite team – How else are you going to prove that you’re a real fan? What do you mean you don’t know the batting average of the team’s backup catcher from 1959? What kind of fan are you? You better have all the trivia stored in your brain when you’re inevitably quizzed anytime you claim to be a fan.
Never wear a jersey unless it’s your team’s colors – “The team’s colors are blue and white you pink hat wearing fake fan,”shouts the guy in a green jersey with his name on the back. Anything pink or with sequins is off limits. You are not allowed to wear them. Which is ironic because anything available for girls is pink and slathered in sequins. Get ready to shop in the boys section if you want to wear the team’s actual colors without any glitter.
You better have come out of the womb liking your favorite team – No one wants to hear that you started liking the team because your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend did! It doesn’t matter that you have been broken up for the past eight years but you still follow the Raiders religiously. Still not a real fan. You better have a detailed back story explaining why you root for your favorite team and that story better not include the word boyfriend in it.
Be prepared to reject all “girly things” ever again – You’re a cool chick now. And being the cool chick means you have to forgo any and all “girly things,” like watching The Bachelorette or eating salads. It’s just chicken wings and sports from now on. But please keep in mind that while you should act like a girl who hates salads and only eats chicken wings and nachos, you must look like a girl who hates chicken wings and nachos and only eats salads. Got that!
Ha! My boss, being a bit of a joker, asked me if I felt “included” as a woman with all the pink sports gear available. I asked him – “Seriously, when’s the last time you’ve seen me wear pink?” While he tried to think if the answer, I helped him out – “Here’s a clue – the answer is NEVER.”
When I was a kid growing up in Iowa I was a big San Francisco 49ers fan because (you ready for this?) San Francisco is the future site of Starfleet Headquarters. Hey – when you’re 12 it’s as good a reason as any to like a football team; I am not ashamed. But for as long as I followed the 49ers, they always seemed to get knocked out of the playoffs by the Green Bay Packers. And thus my Packer hate was born.
So when I married into a Chicago Bears family, it was an easy transition. After all, I already hated the Packers!
You read my mind on absolutely everything! My biggest pet peeve is the stupid pink and sequin shit on all the jerseys! I’m from New England, so of course any Boston sport, I’m rooting for them. Baseball is probably my favorite sport and when I told a guy that I love the Red Sox, he actually asked me to name five players in order to prove that I knew what I was talking about. I almost punched him in the groin.
We ladies need to stick together.