Do I Call You My Ex? The Case of the “Almost Relationship”

Almost Lover A Fine FrenzyAs someone who dates a lot but never actually ends up in a relationship, I often come across what I like to refer to as the “almost relationship.” This happens when you meet someone and there is intrigue and attraction. You can tell this isn’t going to be a one-date deal. You start to get into a routine. You talk almost every day and see each other a few times a week. It definitely seems like it’s leading to something and then after a few weeks or a couple of months, it starts to fade. Plenty of times nothing is actually said to end the “almost relationship.” You just start to talk less and less.

I am the first to admit that the majority of the times my “almost boyfriends” have turned into someone that I used to know (try reading that without singing, I dare you) is because of me. A huge part of it is my insane fear of commitment. I always think I want to be a relationship and I genuinely don’t want to wind up alone for the rest of my life, but the second I see things starting to get serious, I put an end to it. I’ll usually find something about the guy that I don’t like. Something that I just cannot put up with so clearly I have to put an end to this whole thing before it gets serious. Most of the time it’s a completely superficial thing. It’s just my way of ending things before they get into territory that scares me.

Twice I have found myself on the other end, and the second time came last night. Let me just say that it’s a horrible feeling. It’s not so much losing the person. Sure I liked the guy but three weeks is a short amount of time. I’ll easily be able to get over him and move on. The worst part of these “almost relationships” ending is the way it makes you feel. This person is just getting to know you. They’ve only seen the preview of you and have already decided that they’ve had enough and need to back away as fast as possible. That is a really shitty feeling. It doesn’t matter how nice the guy is about it and whatever reason he gives, you will wake up feeling like assballs. At least, assballs is what I felt like this morning when I woke up.

Coming to terms with the ending of an “almost relationship” is never fun but having been on both sides, I have learned a few things. When someone ends something with you before it even starts, you’re going to feel like it’s all your fault. Clearly there is something wrong with you. And here’s the thing, a part of it is you. This person did decide that they don’t want to be with you. But it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

Overall, it is all about the other person. There can a million reasons that someone decides they don’t want to be in a relationship. There are plenty of guys I’ve let go that were great guys and would make great boyfriends. They just weren’t right with me. Actually, I’ve had to deal with the regret of ending an “almost relationship” prematurely. There is one boy in particular who I always regret ending things with. And there is nothing I can do about it now because he’s in a relationship with someone else. See how that works. He was the one who probably felt crappy at the end of our relationship and now he’s doing fine and I’m pining away.

For anyone dealing with end of an “almost relationship,” I know it sucks. It’s a major blow to your ego and you’re going to need a few days to wallow and feel sad. Do it. Complain to your friends all you want. But remember that you’re going to move on very quickly. This person wasn’t in your life long enough to even make a dent. Moving on will be easy. And you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Think of all the people that you came across, lovely people, who you realized that you didn’t want to be with. We’re not going to want to date every person we meet. There’d be no fun and excitement if that were the case. One day you’re going to find yourself in an “almost relationship” that will seamlessly flow into an actual relationship. It may just take a little longer than you hoped for. At least, I know it’s taking a lot longer for me.

Because I’m feeling melancholy today and it fits with the theme of this post, here’s one of my favorite sad songs:

And, don’t forget to leave me some love in the comments. Comments always make me happy. And a happy blogger means more upbeat, funny posts in the near future.

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31 comments

  1. I’m so sorry, hon. Let me tell you, I have been there, done that (mostly being on the receiving end of the “almost relationship” breakup). It does suck because not only do they not get the chance to see who the real you is, but because there was never an officiality to the relationship, you almost feel bad for feeling bad, like it has no warrant to it. But it definitely does. You began to form feelings, you started to envision doing things with each other in the future, a future that prematurely cut short. And because it was an “almost relationship” you generally don’t get any closure which just makes things even more confusing.

    I wanted to let you know that you are not along, girl. Not in the slightest! I’m not sure when I will branch out of the “almost” and into the “real”, but I do now that I will. One day. When the person and the time is right. And so will you.

    It sucks. It hurts. But we will get through it and move on to something even more amazing!

    xoxo

    1. Love this comment. I feel like you were able to explain how I’m feeling better than I could. This situation has gotten even more confusing because he contacted me yesterday and still wants to hang out. I know it’s a horrible idea and I’m setting myself up for trouble, but it’s kind of hard to say no. Dating is just the worst of the worst.

      1. Ugh. I was in this SAME position a few months ago! It’s hard because I would love to still hang out and be friends with him, but a part of me still thinks that he will change his mind, that maybe I can somehow convince him we’re meant to be more than just friends. But I know that’s probably not going to ever happen which is not only torture of the heart for me, but it’s keeping me from having or starting real relationships with other guys. Oofta. Dating is just the worst of the worst! My advice is to do what feels good for you. Personally I had to take a break for a while to let my heart heal completely, to move on, before we were able to hang out. It’s still hard, but I think I’m at the point now where I can just see him as a friend. As much as he did hurt me, I would hate for him to not be in my life at all. If that makes sense? Haha

      2. Aww, that sucks. That’s really hard to deal with. It’s hard to hang out with someone as friends when you really want to be more than friends.

        I’ve never been more confused by a guy in my entire life. I think he’s confused and has no idea what he wants. I know I should run away. I don’t want to deal with a dude who is super confused. I know I deserve better than that. But I am just going to try to go with the flow at the moment. If it becomes too much for me, then I’ll have to be strong and walk away.

      3. It’s so hard! Geez. Boys. You can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. Good luck hon and please let me know how things go! And you are spot on! I think you should just go with the flow and if things get to be too difficult, you can always be the strong woman you are and walk away. You do deserve someone who knows what they want, who knows that they want you! xoxo

  2. OMG THAT SONG. One of those “Never fails to make me cry no matter how happy I am otherwise” songs. Which is actually my favorite kind of song. But still…tears abound.

    I think up until I met my husband all I had were “almost relationships” too, and the biggest way I was able to predict them was if the guy was too wishy-washy about what kind of “hanging out” he wanted to happen. Few guys actually say “Can I take you on a date?” anymore but if they do, that definitely shows more promise. I hope you can meet a guy like that, but I’m optimistic for you, if your posts are any indication of what you’re like offline 🙂

    1. Aww, thanks Beth! The thing is that this guy seemed normal at first. He asked me out on a proper date and he actually seemed nice. I think that’s why I was so blind-sided by the whole thing.

      But seriously, how great yet depressing is this song? I love it so much despite it making me sad no matter how I’m feeling.

  3. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I relate so much to your posts haha! I’ve been there so many times but on the guys side. Every almost relationship girl I met is in a relationship aswell. I don’t pine or wish I was with them because I’m still trying to find the right girl but it is frustrating when everyone seems to move on and your the one who’s left alone. Just carry on being your awesome self and hopefully an awesome guy will come along for you 👍😊

    1. Finding the right one is so hard. I don’t understand how some people make it seem so easy. It’s either I meet someone and they really like me but I don’t like them. Or, I really like someone but they don’t like me. I’m slowly starting to get to the point where I’m about to throw in the towel. Dating is exhausting.

      1. I get what you are saying. Tbh I don’t even actively date people, partially because I rarely even meet new people nowadays (Small town problems). I guess it’s different for females who get pursued abit more. It’s a funny one really isn’t it. It’s crazy how people bounce from one relationship to another but I think it’s partly because people struggle to be alone so will go out with anyone.

  4. Haha oh my god! I felt like I was reading a post of my own for a minute!! And while I was reading it that song popped up in my head, and of course was the one posted at the end of your blog post. Both situations are really shitty to be in, but I guess the comforting part is that you’re not alone in feeling those ways after the ‘almost relationship’. And at the end of the day…they all teach us something. Or are meant to be teaching us something.

  5. I swear you and I are the same person but in different cities! I know it sucks and you hate everyone giving you advice when you get out of an “almost relationship” (I used to call these a talking relationship-we’re not dating or exclusive we’re just talking) but hey I was single for three and a half years and my current boyfriend was single for six years and we found each other. It sucks waiting for the right one to “fit” into your life but when it does it’s simply amazing. I know I’m gagging at my own response, I still reflexively get sick at couple’s PDA, but the struggle is real, girl don’t I know it. Just remember you’re amazing!

      1. I know I felt the same way. There’s no not cliche way to say this-it’ll happen and then you’ll be like crapppp everyone was right. Unfortunately, it can take it’s sweet time getting here.

  6. Oh, goodness. Are you sure you’re not me after a sex-change and time travel? Seriously, though, you just described my dating history. Though I have many of the usual excuses (work, school, lack of funds, high-functioning autism, etc.), the real reason I’ve never had a girlfriend is that I never have, and now I’m terrified of trying.

    Don’t tell anyone I posted something sad, ok? It will ruin my whimsical public image.

  7. I know this isn’t a new post but I’ve just come across it, and I can relate to it so much! It’s like reading my own thoughts but put much more eloquently 🙂 I try to keep optimistic that one day an “almost relationship” will turn into something more (you never know), and I’m optimistic for you too!

    1. Aw thanks! I haven’t become completely cynical yet and do hope that one day an almost relationship will become an actual relationship. And I’m optimistic that it will happen for you as well! 🙂

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