Guys, I have some really great news! Like fantastic news! It turns out that I am going to live forever. OK, not exactly forever cause that’s impossible, unless you’re a vampire or Betty White (and I’m not intimidating enough to be the former or cool enough to be the latter), but I am going to be living for a very, very long time. This is great news for my anxiety-riddled self. I’m always convinced that I have some new disease that’s going to kill me suddenly. It’s one of the main reasons I can’t watch House, ER, Grey’s Anatomy, or any of those other hospital shows: it just gives me new illnesses to obsess over. I will never get over the House episode where Michelle Trachtenberg has a mysterious illness that turns out to be a tick stuck inside her vagina cause she had some sexy time in the woods. (This is a real episode and one of the main reasons I will never be going camping with my imaginary boyfriend.)
Sorry I lost my train of thought for a second. I got distracted by camping and Betty White. Back to my great news and how I am going to live for a REALLY long time. So a story broke today that brought so much joy to my little heart! Normally stories on the Internet make me want to adopt 25 dogs, move to Antarctica, and never interact with humans again. But this one was different. This story is about a 110-year-old woman who says the key to a long life is beer and shots. Three beers a day and one shot of scotch a day to be exact.
All you fools with your eating kale and running marathons. You all feel pretty dumb right now, don’t you? Put the green juice down right now (no drink should ever be green unless it’s Saint Patrick’s Day anyway) and have a beer, or three! I am on the fast track to living a very long life and I didn’t even know it. Downing three beers and a shot every day is easy work for me. I wonder if I double it, will I live to 220-years-old? I’ll just quit my day job and make drinking a full time career. I can write a book about it and everything. I’ll be the Jillian Michaels for degenerates.
Besides letting you guys know that you can expect posts from me for the next 70 years, this post also served as a way to get this blog back on track. Between being sad over dumb boys and stressing over my anxiety, I lost my focus a bit. But I am back on track and happier than ever now that I know I’m gonna live forever!