Questions I Don’t Think There are Answers To

I would like an answer to that question

Ugh, I started school. Going through my coursework for each class I determined that by the end of this semester I will have written at least 200 pages, eaten 5,000 chocolate chips cookies, and drank no less than 100 bottles of wine. It’s going to be stress central.

I am going to try my hardest to keep up with this blog but I will not be making any promises. I can be lax with with my posts when I don’t have much going on. You add a job, four classes, writing a thesis, and job hunting to the mix and I don’t see myself posting more than two times before the semester is over. I apologize now. I know how sad and empty your lives will be without my gif-filled anecdotes about my crappy life.

But I’m here now before things get too crazy. And I have a lot of questions…questions that I don’t even think Einstein would be able to answer.

1. Why do men send dick pics? What do they expect to get out of it?

guys who send dick pics gifSeriously, what is going through a dude’s mind when he sends an unsolicited dick pic to a girl he’s talking to? What do you actually think is going to happen? Maybe you think the following will happen: A girl will see the pic and think, “Ya know, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this greasy dude from Tinder but now this pic of his half-hard dick in shitty lighting has made me swoon. I need him inside me right now!” Trust me when I say that this is never going to happen. Instead it looks a little more like this: The girl will see the pic and after throwing up the last thing she ate, she’ll immediately text her friends so they can all laugh at you.

2. How do some women wake up every morning and put on a full face of make-up? No disrespect. I admire you beautifully put together females! I want to know your secrets. I give myself enough time to throw on clothes and brush my teeth in the morning. That’s why I wind up looking like a boiled potato at work every day. I wish I had the energy and patience to actually put effort into my face and hair in the morning.

3. Why are the Kardashians famous? I am not even going to use this opportunity to bash the Kardashians and complain about them being everything that is wrong with society. I am actually going to give them props. They are richer than I will probably ever be in my entire life. I would gladly throw away all my integrity if it meant I can live in a huge mansion, go on spectacular vacations, and never work another day in my life. This question is directed towards the fans. What is it about Kim Kardashian or Kylie Jenner that makes you a fan? I am genuinely curious what makes people look up to these women and want to follow them on every social media site. You’re the reason they are rich and famous and I will never understand it.

4. Why do people care that gay marriage is legal? You want to think gay marriage is an abomination, go right ahead! You want to cry yourself to sleep at night because all the gays are gonna burn in hell for loving someone of the same gender, here are some tissues! You are free to think whatever the hell you want, but why do you care soooo much about the marriage of two consenting adults? Adam and Steve falling in love and getting married does not affect you in any way! Two guys or two girls getting married does not negate your precious “traditional same-sex marriage.” Marriage equality has absolutely no affect on your life whatsoever!

5. Why is turkey bacon a thing? turkey bacon is grossI am well known for my hatred of turkey bacon. The  crazy Christians (Don’t get offended. If you’re a Christian that recognizes that not everyone follows the same faith as you, you’re not the crazy bunch I’m referring to) can have their disdain for gay marriage but I know what the real abomination is: Turkey Bacon. That shit is the devil’s food and it needs to be stopped. It does not deserve to have the word bacon in it. Bacon, REAL bacon, is a gift from God and should not be disrespected like this.

6. How come when you have a sore in your mouth you will bite that exact spot no less than 27 times during every meal? Maybe there is some answer to this. Maybe there’s some scientific reason that our brain wants to punish us and make us suffer every time we try to eat with a sore. Is it my brain telling me to stop eating like a fucking fatty?? Whatever the answer, it’s not very nice and it hurts. I’m not going to stop eating the taco no matter how bloody my mouth may get.

7. Why do some people only take morning showers? There are so many things about morning shower people that I do not get. For starters, how do you have the time? Refer to the second question if you don’t understand. Who the hell has time to shower in the morning? I’m lucky I can wash my face. Additionally, what exactly are you washing off? The dirty dreams you had the night before? I take a shower at night, like a normal person. I wash off the dirt and grime from the day so I can put on clean pajamas and get into bed. Who feels comfortable getting into bed without showering? That’s just wrong. Your bed is a sanctuary and it deserves better than that.

8. How come when my alarm goes off during the week I feel like I can sleep for another 7 hours straight but on the weekends I’m up no later than 8 am? You will never, ever feel as comfortable in your bed as you do right after you hit the snooze button the first time. That feeling only competes with realizing you have to pee right after you’ve settled in and found the perfect position. I set my alarm a little earlier than I need to wake up because I know that I’m a lazy sloth and will never get up as soon as it goes off. I need that extra five 45 minutes. After I hit that snooze, I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I’d gladly sleep the next twenty years away. But then Saturday and Sunday come along and I’m up at the crack of dawn. I don’t get it.

9. Does Netflix and Chill really not mean Netflix and Chill? 

netflix and chillWhen did this happen? When did Netflix and Chill become a euphemism for sex? I don’t know when this happened but I do not like it! If you invite me over for Netflix and Chill, you better put your penis away. I am expecting Netflix and Chill. I want pizza, wine, and at least 10 episodes of OITNB!

 

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17 comments

  1. #7 and 8 are especially pertinent. I don’t understand why people do morning showers, considering that they’ll get dirty and sweaty throughout the day. As for #8, I think that waking up early on weekends has something to do with the fact that we’ve been conditioned to wake up so early in the morning during the weekdays. Just a thought!

  2. I was at a new student orientation yesterday and a professor made a Netflix and Chill reference that made the sexual meaning clear. Everyone laughed but me, and I thought I was the only one who thought Netflix and Chill meant Netflix and Chill. Then I felt really old and awkward because a guy I had just met had asked me if I was into that (like an hour earlier), and now I wasn’t sure if he meant sex… or just watching DR. WHO WITH SNACKS! OMG!!! Has this always been a euphemism?! I still don’t know! Thank God I am good at laughing at myself.

  3. Nailed it! Every last one! Except the night shower thing. WHAAAATT?! I love you, but you’re crazy sauce girl! Okay, to my defense, I usually work out before work and sweat like a hore in church–I really need to get that checked out. But in the meantime, I NEED my morning showers!

  4. Even though I don’t have class this semester (or ever), I will definitely be joining in on the chocolate chip cookies. And I will answer some questions for you.

    1. Ugh, no idea. I missed out on the dick pic phenomenon. Really upset about that.

    2. Face full of makeup? I always liked girls that had less make up. Not sure why they need more.

    3. Not sure. I think because they are really good at taking selfies. No one else has perfected that.

    5. Turkey is good, bacon is excellent, Turkey Bacon, not so much.

    6. Same reason you do it when you have a burned mouth from pizza.

    9. The Netflix and chill thing has always been a thing, just it had a different name back then, called watch a movie and chill.

      1. Ah yes, the ancient Blockbuster. Back in the day of the dinosaurs, there was the legend of a store where people would go to and rent video cassettes and try to find a cave woman to come over to the cave and chill. I miss those days.

  5. Oh my gosh I’ve been waiting to read (been playing blog catch-up) and it was so worth it lol. I swear you are always in my thoughts. There is NOTHING more stressful than #7 – absolutely NOTHING. It hurts AND pisses me off.

    But I was just talking to my friend the other day about how much I hate that Netflix and Chill has become a “thing.” Mainly because it was MY thing and it was a NORMAL thing and now if I say it, I’ll sound like a sex-crazy bandwagon-hopper. Ugh…my life. Oh! I think you’ll enjoy this. Its not a blog but it made me laugh and I know you’ll love it. Enjoy!

    1. Omg that was hilarious and so true! And the Netflix and chill thing really gets to me as well. I love to Netflix and chill and I mean absolutely nothing sexual when I say that.

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