Last night I watched the documentary Happy Valley (about Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky, and Penn State Football) and was reminded how self-centered and ridiculous human beings can be. A student, who’s a huge fan of Penn State Football, was being interviewed. This student was complaining how hard it’s been to be a Penn State fan since the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Now whenever he tells anyone that he’s a fan he has to go through the process of also stating that he feels bad for the victims. So many boys were sexually assaulted but this dude has to defend his fandom. Life is really hard guys.

That example may be a bit extreme when talking about people being self-centered. A less extreme, but just as ridiculous, example was me last night.

Coming home from work I realized that my phone kept turning off, restarting, and then turning off again after about a minute. It kept repeating this process. As soon as I got home I called customer service. We tried some basic troubleshooting but nothing worked. IT informed me that they’d have to reset my phone and I’d lose everything on it. Contacts, photos, everything! After groaning and trying to hold back my tears, I told them I’d call back in an hour. I spent the next hour trying to write down all my contacts. Keep in mind I had to do this while my phone kept turning off every minute. I did all this only to find out I’d need to buy a new phone and would be phone-less for the next three days. This news made me sit back and actually say the words, “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” No it’s not! Sure I was hungry and tired, but that’s not an excuse. Being phone-less isn’t even in the top ten worst things that could happen to me.

We have become a bunch of complainers, and about the most ridiculous things. Here are just a few things we need to stop bitching about.

“My pizza is too hot to eat even though I told the guy at the counter to not leave it in the oven for too long.” Wah, I have hot food! This is soo difficult. Take several seats and wait the five minutes for the pizza to cool. Or eat it right away despite burning the roof of your mouth like the true fatty I know you are.

“I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom.” Now you have to shit without scrolling through facebook. Oh the horror!

“I was trying to take a screenshot but instead I turned the screen off.” I know it’s really important for you to immediately screenshot this conversation so you and your friend can decipher the real meaning behind that “k” text.

“Ugh, I have to sit through this 6-hour flight to California.” Poor baby, you have to sit through two viewings of Titanic in order to get yourself all the way across the friggen country. Read a book and enjoy your flight!

“I am trying to finish writing out this text but I keep hitting all the green lights.” You are complaining about catching green lights. I am so done with you!

“There’s no more guacamole for them to put on my burrito bowl.” OK, this one is legit. As far as end-of-the-world events go, this one is right up there with global warming. Is there some sort of avocado shortage that I’m not aware of? Get your shit together Chipotle. You should never be out of guacamole!