TBT: Don’t Ever Give Me a Pet Hamster

throwbackthursday_622x250Source

This may come as a shock to some of you but there are times when I have no idea what in the world to write about on this blog. Considering how OFTEN I post on here, I’m sure this is incredibly shocking news. With the frequency of my posts, you’d think the ideas are flowing out of me day and night.

Since all of that was clearly sarcasm and I never post frequently on this blog, I’ve decided to change things up a bit by bringing you a new segment I like to call: Throwback Thursday.

I never actually participate in Throwback Thursday on social media. (#TBT for all you cool kids!) I went through an awkward stage from ages 5 to 25. No one wants to see pics of me when I was younger. But stories of a ridiculous childhood can be hilarious and make for fantastic blog posts. That’s why I bring to you the first in my Throwback Thursday series: My disastrous history with pet hamsters. emma watson pet hamster

Oh Emma Watson, I have never related to you so much before. I have had three pet hamsters in my lifetime and they have all died tragic deaths. One was murdered and the other two committed suicide.

I’m a horrible person and cannot actually remember the names of my pet hamsters. Maybe that’s why they killed themselves. They’d rather be dead than have me as their owner. Hamster #1 was the first one to kill himself.

I was good to Hamster #1. I played with him after school every day. He had a nice big cage with a wheel which was perfect for when he wanted to have fun and lose a little weight. He even got one of those clear plastic balls he could roll around the house in. This bastard had everything a little hamster could want but it just wasn’t good enough.

Hamster #1 loved his little hamster wheel. He would play it in at all hours. At least, I always thought he played on it cause he loved it. In reality, he was planning his escape. His escape from this world and the overzealous love of an eight-year-old enjoying their first pet. I woke up one morning to find Hamster #1 lying next to the hamster wheel with a broken neck. Over twenty years later and I still remember the look of fear on his dead face. I live with that image to this day.

My precious parents tried to convince me that he must have fallen off the hamster wheel while it was still turning and got stuck. But I knew better. This bastard was preparing for this all along. He trained on that hamster wheel we lovingly placed in his cage to see how fast he could go. Once he hit maximum speed, he dove head first into that metal hamster wheel of doom! No one will ever be able to convince me it happened any other way.

You’d think that after seeing one hamster murder itself, I’d be done. You’d think wrong. In fact, after that debacle, I got two more hamsters. I thought if only Hamster #1 had a friend maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself.

Enter Hamster #2 and Hamster #3. (I’m still an evil bastard who cannot remember their names.) And it was a horrible disaster from the very beginning. This was no match made in heaven. They absolutely hated one another. Apparently they thought their clear glass cage was a steel cage set for no-holds-barred fights. Several times we caught them in a bloody mess after fighting.

A normal family would have bought a second cage and called it day. Easy solution! I don’t have a normal family. Our solution? Take a giant textbook and place it in the middle of the cage to separate these wannabe MMA hamsters.

The textbook divider worked for a little bit, until it didn’t anymore. One night I was at my friend’s house getting ready to enjoy a sleepover when I got a devastating call from my father. Apparently someone, in their haste to separate the dueling monsters, smashed Hamster #2 with the book. I wish I were kidding. Someone in my family, someone that I trusted, murdered Hamster #2 in cold blood. To this day no one in my family has ever come clean but I think I know who it is. I bet it was my older sister. She’s my favorite person in the world now but when we were younger, she was pure evil. (Maybe I’ll tell you some horror stories of having an older sister in the next edition of TBT.)

So the murder of Hamster #2 goes down as one of the country’s greatest unsolved mysteries and it left me with just Hamster #3. You’d think that after witnessing her arch-nemesis being murdered, she’d be happy. You’d think she’d be dancing around like the munchkins singing “Ding Dong the witch is dead.” Apparently she wasn’t happy. Maybe she was angry that she wasn’t the one who got to do the killing.

So Hamster #3 becomes the second hamster I own to murder itself. I come home from school so excited to play with my one hamster that hasn’t tragically died yet, only to see her sound asleep in the corner of her cage. Being the nice pet owner that I am, I let her sleep. Several hours pass and I think either my hamster has turned into Rip Van Winkle or something is up.

I tap the glass and nothing happens. In my heart, I knew she was dead. That’s the fate of the hamsters in my world. But I wasn’t brave enough to find it out for myself. I call my dad over to investigate. He turns poor little Hamster #3 over and we find a wood chip buried deep inside her stomach. The wood chips I lovingly laid on the bottom of the cage so she’d have a comfy place to sleep were used as a weapon to kill. Once again my parents tried to convince me that this was all an accident. She was just trying to get comfortable when one of those killer wood chips plowed into her. Freak accident. But I knew better. One freak accident, maybe. But after three dead hamsters, I was done.

I didn’t get another hamster after that. I couldn’t do it. It was pretty obvious that I was cursed to live out the rest of my days hamster-less. Future children (if I ever have you) please never ask for a hamster. The answer is no cause I shudder to think what new ways these hamsters would find to commit suicide.

Advertisements

15 comments

  1. Oh gawd…my dad thought hamsters were a great pet for kids. I think I have horrendous memories – getting bit, chasing them when they got out of their cages, horrible desolation when you realize they are prey to other domestic pets, the cannibalism they exhibit on their own young.

    Evil…pure evil…if you ask me.

      1. I had a goldfish that lived for like five years. We even got to the point of over feeding it just to kill it because it was getting ridiculous and it just kept on living.

  2. Haha! I laugh because I went through the same thing (well, both my sister and I) with cats growing up. We went through about 8 in a span of 4 years. I know. It was awful. For whatever reason, we just couldn’t keep them alive (one got hit by a car, one got shot, SHOT by our neighbor, one ran away and became the neighborhood’s token mountain lion (he was a very angry, and large, fellow) and the story to end all stories, one died in the litter box. He literally pulled an Elvis and died on the golden thrown. In addition to our dogs, we probably should have gone with hamsters instead.
    P.S. Loving this idea of #TBT on the blog! Can’t wait to read more, girl! 🙂

  3. Oh my God these stories sound like they really did kill themselves lmao. Nooooo! Hamster 1 sounds like a man (excluding the suicide part – they would rather live to make you regret their presence lol). Hamster 3 was probably terrified that your sister would come back to finish him off so he did the deed himself. haha!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s