This Is My Grown-Up Christmas List

what do you want for christmasI love Christmas songs. The second it hits November 1st, I start blasting the Christmas songs. And I will play Mariah Carey’s iconic “All I Want For Chistmas” all year round. Anyone who has a problem with this can fight me. Christmas music is the shit!

However, I will fully admit that some Christmas songs are ridiculous. “My Grown-Up Christmas List” is number one on the ridiculous list for me. I love all things cheesy but even this is a little too cheesy for me. What you really want for Christmas is for no more wars to start and for love to never end?

you do bridesmaidsWell aren’t you just a special snowflake? News Flash: most people do want these things for Christmas. If someone said to me, “Listen you can either get yet ANOTHER gift set of lotions from Bath & Body Works or guarantee that no child would ever go to bed hungry again. Which one do you want?” I’m not a heathen. I’ll buy the lotions myself. Let the poor children eat.

But let’s be serious here. Wars ain’t ending and my shitty paycheck ain’t feeding all those hungry kids. I can barely feed myself. I can sing my little hear out about all the ways I’d like to see this world get its shit together, but it’s not going to help. In the end of the day, people are still going to be hungry, people are still going to be dying, and idiots are still going to be convinced that Donald Trump would actually make a good president. You can’t fix the world with a Christmas List.

So I’m going to be grumpy, materialistic, and shallow, and mention all the things that I really want on my Grown-Up Christmas List:

1. I would like to be able to drink without feeling like I need 27 Gatorades, 55 cheeseburgers, and 200 hours of sleep to recover the next day.

2. Please stop Demi Lovato from ever making music again. Nothing against her as a person. I’m sure she’s lovely but her music is atrocious. And this is coming from someone who has loved every single song Justin Bieber has ever released.

3. Could I please have Tom Hiddleston eye-fuck me the way he’s eye-fucking Kat Dennings in this gif? And when he’s done can he dick-fuck me?

tom hiddleston eye fuck

4. Can my family just erase any memory of reading that above sentence about me being asked to be dick-fucked? Thanks!

5. Since there is no way I am ever going to diet, can I please just be able to eat whatever I want and maintain my weight? That’s not even asking that much. I’m not asking to be a size zero. I’ll deal with this muffin top if I knew it won’t get any bigger no matter how many cupcakes I devour.

6. I want a boy who I will actually like. A boy who understands the difference between their and they’re, doesn’t send dick pics, and will watch ridiculously cheesy horror movies form Netflix with me. And because I already said I’d be shallow, if he could be taller than me when I wear heels, that’d be fantastic!

7. I want to be able to eat whatever I’m craving at any moment but my bank account to never suffer from my insatiable appetite.

8. Whenever I pin any article of clothing to my “Fashion I’ll Never Actually Own” board, I want it to immediately be transported to my closet.

9. A job that doesn’t make me want to murder myself every Monday morning and pays me enough to live with a roof over my head and still be able to enjoy the occasional happy hour.

10. Speaking of Happy Hour…whenever I go out, can drinks always be at happy hour prices and appetizers be half-off?

11. I would like to be able to go a whole month without having a random panic attack where I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest for no good reason.

12. I would love for my hair to dry naturally looking like I just stepped out of a Pantene commercial.

13. And I guess when you’re done finding me a man, a job, and making me look good, you can make sure we stop killing each other!  Thanks Santa, you’re the best!

*So what would be on your Christmas list? Feel free to be as unrealistic as possible!



  1. I was all set to chime in with “Of course you want to be dick-fucked! Is there another worthwhile kind of fucking?” but then I realized that would be insensitive to the broad categories of people that don’t necessarily enjoy dick-fucking. So I checked my privilege. Because dick-fucking is awesome.

    Okay so my list:

    1) To be able to be dick-fucked (it’s a new word now, deal with it) whenever I want by whomever I want with no unintended consequences or negative effects on: a) my marriage; b) their marriages; c) work relationships; d) friendships

    2) No more hangovers or hangover-like feelings. Ever. For any reason. No matter how much I drink.

    3) To never ever feel uncomfortably full, no matter how much I eat. Or drink.

    4) To never be drunker than I want to be, no matter how much I drink.

    5) To just stay the size and shape I am now, no matter how much I eat. Or drink. I’m okay that I’m 30 lb heavier than I was when I was 19, and I’m even okay with the perpetually wrinkly tummy skin from 3 kids (took me 12 years to get to this point, but whatever). I’ll even agree to work out regularly to keep my muscle tone fantastic. I just want to eat.

    P.S. I’m noticing a theme – I apparently really, really like sex, eating, and drinking. Who knew?

  2. Yes, #2! “Cool for the Summer” is one of the worst songs I’ve heard in 2015, which is sad because she’s not un-talented. People coming out of Disney tend to have really poor advisors, I think. I hate that “maturing” in the music world equals singing in a fake sultry, nasally voice about sex, and not in a classy way. “Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do” from Adele is singing about sex in a classy way.

    And as someone with naturally curly hair, Pantene commercials for “curly hair” shampoo make me first laugh out loud, then weep.

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