So The Washington Post recently wrote an article about “Baby It’s Cold Outside” apparently being the new rape anthem and Bill Cosby’s favorite song. They asked what should be done with this song and how much longer a wholesome store like Macy’s will continue to play this atrocious melody.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” was written back in 1944. Back when women were supposed to be proper ladies who only gave their vaginas to their husbands and only for the sole person to make other little humans. I think it’s pretty obvious the lady who “really can’t stay” wants to stay but society won’t have it. She needs to act demure so she doesn’t have to worry about what “the neighbors might think.”

If this song was written today and the lyrics were the exact same, I’d be thinking “home boy needs to take no for an answer and girl needs to put that drink down right away and run out of that apartment as fast as she can.” But also, if it was written for today’s society where women are allowed to have sex and make their own decisions (shocking, I know!), the song would probably be a lot shorter. It would probably go one of two ways.

I really can’t stay
Baby, it’s cold outside
Shit you’re right it is cold – Pour me a glass of wine and let’s see what’s on Netflix
OR
No shit Sherlock, It’s winter, Of course it’s cold – Give me my jacket so I can leave
The End

Not everything needs to be taken at face value and not everything in this world is offensive. But if we’re going to attack “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” let’s look at some other SUPER offensive Christmas songs that need to be banned immediately.

1. Deck the Halls
Offensive Lyric – Don we now our gay apparel
Excuse me, what do you mean my “gay apparel.” Are you trying to say that just because I’m wearing my favorite flannel shirt I must be a lesbian? Offensive!

2. Happy Holidays
Offensive Lyric – The whole fucking song!
What is this shit about Happy Holidays? It’s Merry Christmas NOT Happy Holidays.

3. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names; The never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games
So years of bullying can just be pushed aside cause Santa finds himself in a pickle? Not cool, not cool at all!

4. Feliz Navidad
Offensive Lyric – Feliz Navidad, Prospero Año y Felicidad
This is pretty obvious: Cultural Appropriation! Do you have any idea how many non-Spanish speaking people I’ve seen belt out this song? Offensive!

5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – And we just can’t help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back!)
This entire song is pretty much one big fuck you to poor little old Grandma. She gets left with hoof prints on her forehead and her husband is chilling watching football and her ungrateful kids want to send back the gifts she bought. It’s messed up.

6. Do They Know It’s Christmas
Offensive Lyric – And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time, The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Fun fact: Despite popular belief, Africa is in fact not just one big giant country but a continent. Crazy, I know!

7. Santa Claus Is Watching You
Offensive Lyric – So baby if you ever do me wrong, Break my heart and leave me alone, When Christmas comes, you’ll be crying too, ‘Cause Santa Claus is watching you, He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere
I fully admit that I actually had never heard this song before writing this post. The entire lyrics are pretty amazing. I suggest you check them out. This pretty much reads like a song Edward would dedicate to Bella during the holidays.

8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Offensive Lyric – Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, Underneath his beard so snowy white
I am an idiot and for a really long time I thought this was a song about a little boy catching her mom’s cheating ass. I though mom was cheating on dad with Santa. Now I realize that this little boy has walked in on some weird role playing by his parents and that is sooooo much creepier and offensive.

I would like the record to show that I actually love all of these Christmas songs and everyone needs to leave these songs alone! I wasn’t kidding when I said Christmas music was the shit.

To all my lovely readers, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy some delicious Chinese food!