Happy New Year’s bitches! (I’m a few days late but go with it! I never post on here when I actually want to.) I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s. I had a party at my sister’s house and passed out on the couch after one too many shots of Jameson. Translation: I had an awesome New Year’s!

New Year’s is that annoying time when people won’t shut the fuck about all that “New Year, New Me” nonsense. You’re not going to change into some better version of yourself once the clock strikes midnight. You’d think by now people would realize that New Year’s resolutions are a joke. You’re just lying to yourself. But nope! Come January first, a membership to the gym becomes the hottest ticket in town and you realize that people are still buying into the idea of New Year’s resolutions.

I am all for people making goals in the New Year. I don’t want to spend all 365 days sitting on my ass watching Netflix. (Plenty of those days will be spent doing that but not all 365.) I’d like to accomplish a few things before December 31, 2016. And so should you! Goals are good to have but let’s all stop with the resolutions. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to completely change who you are as a person simply because the calendar year now ends with a six instead of a five.

And the real kicker is that most people make the same set of resolutions. Resolutions that they usually proceed to fail within the first month or so of the New Year. Let’s take a look at how your resolutions are really going to turn out.

“I am going to eat more healthy food!”
This is one that too many people make. You wind up eating like shit from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Eve, realize that you don’t fit into any of your pants anymore, and decide that a change needs to be made. This is the year you’re going to finally say goodbye to fried foods and start eating a ton of green shit.

Here’s how things really go: That first week is awesome. You pack salad for lunch and eat nothing but grilled chicken for days. Then someone decides to bring donuts to the office and all hell breaks loose. You consume five donuts in a matter of minutes and you’ve officially lost your way. 2016 will just be another year where you spend Sundays eating everything in your house because “I’m totally going to start my diet tomorrow.”

“I am going to start working out more!”
I wasn’t kidding when I said a gym membership becomes the hottest ticket in town. The eating healthy and working out tend to go together. You’re not going to throw down Big Macs and then run on the treadmill. You’re going to eat your sad salad and work out for forty minutes. So you buy that gym membership and vow that the money won’t go to waste because you’ll use the gym ALL THE TIME!

Here’s how things really go: You waste your hard earned money on a gym membership every month yet you never actually go to the gym. You go the first week and convince yourself that you’re really getting into a routine. Then it starts to get colder and colder. Then a really big snow storm hits. No one wants to work all day and then go to the gym when it’s zero degrees outside. So that routine is out the window. You spend the next few months hibernating. Then the weather gets warmer and you think, “Now I can get that bikini body.” So once again you go to the gym for about a week before you realize all the other shit you’d rather be doing than working out.

“I am going to start saving money.”
Saving money is smart. It’s always good to have that rainy day stash. So you figure that this will finally be the year that you really put aside that 10% of your check every time you get paid. You can do this. Ten percent is nothing! Building a nice savings account will be easy.

Here’s how things really go: Saving money is really hard! You have some really great intentions of putting money aside every week but then life gets in the way. People have birthdays, you just have to have that new dress, you gotta eat a lot of fattening food on Sunday before you start your diet the next day, some asshole hits your car while it’s parked and you have to shell out $300 to get it fixed (this actually happened to me in 2015). You wanna save money but shit just keeps getting in the way!

“I’m going to start going out more and enjoying life.”
People usually fall into two categories: the saving money group or the going out more group. It’s hard to do both. You can either save your money or go out and live your life. Usually those who had a particularly boring year tend to enter the latter group. They decide they’re going to go on more vacations, go to more parties, become more of a “Yes Man.”

Here’s how things really go: You start to look up some vacation packages just to see where you can go. Then you realize that shit is crazy expensive. Being a “Yes Man” is great in theory until you start realizing that shots and a trip to the Bahamas aren’t quite as important as paying your rent every month.

“I am going to start dating more and really giving people a chance.”
You know what else is a hot ticket in January besides a gym membership? A membership to an online dating site. You’ve spent the holidays alone with no one to kiss under the mistletoe or when the clock strikes at midnight. You vow that by next year you’ll have someone to cuddle up with when the temperature drops. So you find your best selfies and join a dating site. You’re ready to start giving people a chance and be more open with dating.

Here’s how things really go: Turns out that online dating is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. You go on a few dates and each one starts and ends with you just wanting to get home so you can finish binge watching your show. Turns out that most people suck and dating really brings out the worst in people.

Resolutions are for chumps! Just don’t even do them. Instead make some goals. Work towards something you’ve wanted to achieve for awhile now.