I have been living my life wrong this whole time. For so long, I was led to believe that facts are the truth. There are 24 hours in a day. George Washington was the first president of the United States. There are seven continents. I have a BA in Journalism. I worked as the editorial assistant for a magazine. I have an MA in Library Science. I lived by facts.
I learned something AMAZING yesterday. I discovered the existence of alternative facts. This changes everything!
Boss trying to fire me? Alternative Fact: I’m promoted. Boyfriend trying to dump me? Alternative Fact: We’re engaged. Landlord looking for rent? Alternative Fact: I own my apartment.
You know how they say ignorance is bliss? That saying is so true. When you start learning about all the truths in this world, it becomes harder and harder to live a carefree life. Well now you can just go ahead and ignore those facts and come up with your own alternative ones. That is how I plan on living my life from now on. If I don’t like something, I’ll just go ahead and come up with my own alternative truth.
Alternative Fact: Cupcakes are healthy. I can eat as many as I want and never get fat.
Alternative Fact: I don’t have to worry about money anymore. I have an endless supply of funds and should never believe what my bank account says.
Alternative Fact: You don’t need to exercise if you want a nice body. If I just constantly yell to whoever listens that I have the best body of all the bodies, then it will become truth.
Alternative Fact: My life is exactly where I imagined it would be at almost 31.
Alternative Fact: The Yankees won the World Series last year and the Giants are headed to the Super Bowl.
Alternative Fact: Eating pizza every night is the same thing as having a salad.
Alternative Fact: People on FB don’t actually believe the things they blindly share.
Alternative Fact: Half the people of America didn’t vote for a walking Cheeto as president.
Alternative Fact: I’ll definitely be able to buy a house on my own in the near future.
Alternative Fact: There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine every night before you go to bed.
Alternative Fact: I can have a negative opinion about certain things happening in my country without having to “shut up or move away.”
Alternative Fact: The scale, any scale that I ever step on, is broken.
Alternative Fact: Nsync has gotten back together and they are going on a reunion tour this summer.
I don’t know about you guys but my life is already becoming great again thanks to this new alternative reality we live in.
Am I Thirty Yet 
I love your blog so much!
Thank you! 🙂
Wish the NSYNC thing was true. :p
I would spend my life savings to see Nsync on tour.
So funny!
Thanks!
Alternative facts is one of the stupidest phrases to come out of Trump’s presidency so far (which is saying something). I do like yours though. I wonder what my landlord would say if I announced the flat was mine…?
I have to make jokes about the things going on with this presidency because if I really think about them, I’ll just panic.
Hahahaha! Definitely just LOL’d hardcore in my office making my coworkers ask why the man down the hall was snort-laughing. LOVE.THIS!
Haha that’s awesome. Glad I was able to make you laugh.
“I don’t see more than five years of experience on your resume for this entry-level job.”
“Well, I wrote the Harry Potter series and invented penicillin.”
Yep, totally doing this.
Haha now we have extra ways to combat an interviewer mentioning a lack of experience. We can hit them with some alternative facts or declare that if Betsy DeVos can run the nation’s education with no experience, we can work here with 2 years instead of 5.
“There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine every night before you go to bed.”
But …. there’s not. Is there? If there is, I’m in real trouble.
There better not be because if there is, I have a serious problem!
Lol This is awesome! I especially love the last one.
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! 🙂