Being the Bigger Person Sucks

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*Full disclosure:  This is going to be a long winded post full of angry complaints.

Back in March, I moved out of my apartment into a new one. Moving can be incredibly stressful. I wasn’t looking forward to moving yet again. But I knew it would be worth it. My older sister recently bought a home that came equipped with a one bedroom apartment on the second floor. The new place would be brighter than my old apartment, cheaper, and I’d be practically living with my sister and my adorable nephews.

And best of all, I’d be escaping my dreadful old apartment.  This apartment was a disaster in so many ways. It was a side apartment in a home, so I was renting from the family who owned the home. From the family to the conditions of the apartment when I moved in, I never had an actual moment of peace in my old apartment.

I briefly mentioned this in a previous post about moving and making horrible choices. When I first moved into the apartment, it was insanely dirty. I had to spend a good week scrubbing the place for hours after work each night before I was able to move in comfortably.

So I started off in my apartment with a bad taste in my mouth, and things just got worse from there. The wife in this family was a monster. Thankfully, I never experienced her wrath personally, but it didn’t mean I was immune to it. I would wake up at all hours of the night to the wife screaming uncontrollably to her husband. The screaming did not stop during the day. During the day, it was directed towards her kids and then her husband some more when he would come home from work. The only time I had peace in my apartment was when the owners were on vacation.

Then there were the bugs! One fateful summer night, I noticed a flying ant on the wall of my bedroom. I freaked out a little, killed it immediately, but thought nothing of it. It was the summer. Bugs finding their way into the home is inevitable. Then around midnight, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw a few more flying ants. Then I noticed a scratching noise by the window. I pulled aside my curtains and saw a swarm of flying ants right outside my bedroom window.

I packed a bag and fled my apartment as fast I could. Now my landlords are pretty horrible people but thankfully they have their limits. As soon as they knew of the problem, it was handled. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I had to flee my apartment in the middle of the night. I was also incredibly understanding about the whole situation and didn’t demand a thing from my landlords. (Knowing what I know now, I should have refused to pay half month’s rent.)

With all the above being said, it’s no surprise that I was beyond happy to be changing my living situation. Little did I know this was just the beginning of my problems.

My landlords were supposed to mail me my security deposit after I moved out. Three weeks pass and still no check in the mail. After spending an entire weekend attempting to reach my landlords, I finally get a text back that it’s in the mail and should arrive shortly. Another week passes and still no check. After talking with my landlord again, it’s determined that the check must be “lost” in the mail (AKA it was never mailed out). She told me she’d leave it in the mailbox for me to pick up later that day.

Thankfully when I arrived at the mailbox, the check was there ($200 less than what it should have been), and it was accompanied with a letter. A poorly written letter filled with lies.

My lovely landlord determined that I caused thousands of dollars worth of damage, but out of the kindness of her heart she only deducted $200 from my security deposit to be fair.  (I recognized the $200 deduction for what it was: it was just the right amount to sting but not enough for me to really cause trouble over.)

Spoiler: I did not cause thousands of dollars in damage. If anything, I left that apartment in better condition because it was actually clean.

The best part is that my former landlord claimed the apartment smelled of cigarette smoke. Aside from the two puffs I had in the 6th grade to look cool, I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.

When I first got the letter, I was livid. After ranting and raving to my sister, bf and anyone else who would listen, I sat down at my computer to write my own letter. This letter let my landlord know what I felt about her grammatically-challenged letter and how living under her household for the past year crushed my soul.

I basically let her know all the ways I thought she was a horrible human being.

I never sent the letter. I wanted to. And sometimes I still do. But I recognize there isn’t much of a point. One of three things will happen:

1. It gets lost in the mail. If this happens, I’ll never actually know if it was received. There is no satisfaction in this scenario.
2. She gets the letter, reads it, doesn’t recognize her horrible traits laid out for her, assumes I’m just bitter, and throws the letter away. Once again, this scenario brings me no satisfaction.
3. She gets the letter and immediately becomes as irate as I did when I received my letter. She decides to contact me to retaliate for my letter. This scenario just brings me headache and drama.

So I left the letter sitting in my drafts untouched. I decided to be the bigger person, but it doesn’t feel good. There is a huge part of me that still wants to give her a piece of my mind.

If I ever run into her, I can’t promise my bigger person stance will last. That will probably result in a whole new post.

Stay tuned!



  1. Being the better person can suck, but sometimes just letting things go helps you avoid another head ache. This sounds like a nightmare that I wouldn’t want to rehash lol though I would be livid as well, I’ve also had bad experiences with apartments.

    1. Apartments can be so horrible sometimes. I’ve had some great experiences but also some really horrible ones. This last apartment was by far my worst experience yet.

  2. Ugh. UGGHHHH. She sounds like the worst. I agree with the decision not to mail it, if only because there is no realistic happy outcome. Unfortunately people like that never bother to look at themselves and recognise their faults. Everything is always someone else’s problem. So yeah, she would receive your letter and absorb exactly none of your well-aimed ire.

    Sometimes people are the worst and I just need to pet a dog so I can remember the world isn’t necessarily going to hell in a handbasket.

    1. Dogs always make things better. Maybe this lady should have gotten a dog. Maybe it would have mellowed her out. But more than likely it would just would have been something else to direct her anger towards. She was the worst!

    2. I agree with this comment wholeheartedly. It took me a while to assess situations this way but if there is no realistic outcome in your favor, don’t bother stirring the pot. Its truly not worth it. But yes, she sounded like a nightmare!

  3. This woman sounds horrible and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I get what you’re saying though. I would have wanted to send that letter hahaha

  4. You should of sent it! Some people need to be told what for. Most likely she will have read it then raged some more at her family. 😂 I understand you taking the high road, you are a better person than me for it.

  5. Your silence is not a sign of weakness but is building inner strength. Difficulties in life build good character (if we allow it). She seems like a hurting, broken soul. What good will it do either of you to heap on more burning coals? Blessing will come your way for dropping it.:)

  6. Being the bigger person is so hard, especially because there’s usually no tangible reward for your effort other than the satisfaction of knowing you have the strength to not sink down to someone’s low level. Good for you for taking the high road!

    1. Thanks, it wasn’t easy though. I have thought many times about sending the letter. I still do but I just recognize that ultimately, it’s not worth the hassle.

      1. I feel you. I have a lot of snarky emails sitting in my Draft box just one click away from shooting off to the offender lol

    1. I really wish there were a way to get the money back. If they had tried to take all the money from my deposit, then I definitely would have freaked out. I let the $200 slide but I was still so pissed about it.

  7. Le sigh… I feel you. I got my own stories. Fortunately, I live in a room share with some awesome people but I was tempted to live by myself after some of the shit I went through to my place prior and yes, being the bigger person sometimes do suck but oftentimes, lessens stress for all parties. It also doesn’t help that I hate confrontation. I’m working on that. lol

    1. I’m with you on the hating confrontation. It’s good to not want to just start fights all the time but sometimes avoiding confrontation has prevented me from standing up for myself.

      1. Same. And then I am hard on myself for not standing up for myself. Ugh! My life… lol Glad I am not the only one with these issues.

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