You’re Not the Only One You Know Who’s Had a Miscarriage

Mental Health — Return to Zero: H.O.P.E.

I was recently scrolling through Instagram and came across a post about Chrissy Teigen and Megan Markle opening up about their pregnancy losses. I went down into the comments section cause I’m a masochist and always torture myself by reading social media comments. One of the commenters wrote, “Everyone seems to be having a miscarriage lately.” And she added a confused emoji at the end.

I didn’t respond to the comment, but if I did, I would have written, “Yes, a lot of people are having miscarriages, but not lately. Actually, a lot of people are having miscarriages always.”

It’s estimated that between 20-25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact number because many women miscarriage before they even realize they’re pregnant. They simply confuse the miscarriage for their period.

Twenty-five percent is a HUGE number. Yet, it’s still viewed as a taboo, secretive subject. When Teigen and Markle decided to talk about their pregnancy loss, they received many supportive and understanding comments. But there was a lot of negative commentary as well. Many people wondered why they were talking about it so publicly. Why not? Why shouldn’t we talk more about something that happens to one out of four women?

I had a miscarriage this summer, and I felt incredibly alone while going through it. I knew that miscarriages were common, but I was still shocked to find out I was going through one. It’s a topic rarely discussed, so it was difficult not to feel alone. My miscarriage happened so early on that hardly anyone knew I was pregnant. It was a terrible loss that only my husband and I had to bear.

I spent weeks dealing with my miscarriage (I had a 7-week miscarriage, which is its own story), but I had to go about my days as if nothing was wrong. I was back at work three days a week and had to act like I wasn’t grieving. On the days when I just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay in bed, I couldn’t. I never revealed to my coworkers what I was going through because I felt it would make them uncomfortable. We’re so trained to hide our pregnancies for the first three months in case anything happens that it translates to hiding it when something does happen.

I was hiding this miscarriage as though it was a dirty secret from my family and my closest friends. Until I finally decided that I wasn’t going to hide it anymore. I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t. It happens to so many women every year, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I finally started opening up to my closest friends and family about what I was going through. And you know what, I started to feel better? Talking about it helped me to heal.

If you’ve ever dealt with a miscarriage or you’re going through one, it’s hard not to feel alone. But I want you to know that you’re not alone. I bet if you start talking about it, you’ll find out that other people who know have suffered from pregnancy loss as well. And even if you don’t know anyone in real life, you know me.

Miscarriage is a scary, confusing, sad experience to go through, and it’s worse doing it alone. If talking about it helps with the healing process, then go for it. It’s not a taboo subject. It’s an extremely common ordeal that needs to be spoken about more.

12 comments

  1. I have never been pregnant, nor do I know of many people who’ve had miscarriages, but it really is shocking just how high the stats are. I can also imagine that it’s extremely emotional and distressing, and it’s unfortunate many women go through this. I hope you’re doing better after your experience, and to continue living life!

    1. When my wife had a bad one at around 2 months, it wasn’t until then that she learned from a couple dozen friends they had one too. None of them had talked about having one to her before then. It seems like something few want to discuss.

  2. I’m so glad more women are sharing their stories so those who experience a miscarriage know they’re not alone. I feel like many women have the same experience as you where they have to grieve quietly and it’s so unfair and hard on them. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Invisible joy turned to invisible grief is all the harder. My daughter had an early miscarriage, as well. I suspect she said very little, if anything, to anyone but closest family. Thank you for speaking up on such an important and emotional issue for so many.

    1. “Invisible joy turned to invisible grief.” That is the perfect way to describe it. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s loss. I hope she’s doing better.

  4. Thank you for this article Am I Thirty? .

    Coming from a husband who has watched his wife go through 3 miscarriages, one of the most helpful remedies is talking about the frequency of miscarriages.

    The doctor that took care of us when we had our first told us the number could very well be in the 40% range of all pregnancies.

    By no means did it remove the pain from my wife and I, but it did help.

    At the same time, the first miscarriages is always so hard because usually, that’s when you find out how common they actually are. It’s almost like the world was withholding information from you or playing some sort of horrendous trick on you.

    I actually just wrote my first blog post on why the first miscarriage is so hard. It’s from a father and husbands perspective.

    Check it out at flowinglightofthegodhead.com

    1. Thanks for sharing your story and the link. I will definitely check it out. I am glad that you shared your story as the father. That side of the story is shared even less. I know how difficult it was for my husband but he had to be strong for me.

  5. I had a miscarriage in October 2015. It was my first pregnancy and absolutely devastating. I wouldn’t wish this kind of thing on anyone. The grief never really goes away, but one way I was able to move on was by having a baby after the miscarriage. I had my daughter one year later, in October 2016. I also got married the month the miscarried baby would have been due 👼

  6. How devastating for you. I am so very sorry. I agree with the doc that the numbers are likely much higher. It is an awful thing to go through alone. I hate that there is this taboo around miscarriage. I told my boss I was pregnant at around 7 weeks for health reasons as I was very unwell. Even my boss said then to maybe not tell anyone else just in case. I thought it was weird that she pushed that.
    Many hugs to you!!!

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