Humor

Things I’d Like to Do in Theory Only

In my head, I am a wonderful person. I have all these grand ideas on what type of person I’d like to be. This imaginative idea of myself is always cheerful, is put-together, exercises, and never leaves things on her to-do list left undone.

I attempt to live up to these standards but nine out of ten times I fail. I don’t go to sleep early enough at night. I don’t eat healthy enough. Some mornings I don’t even have enough time to brush my hair before walking out the door.

This ideal Liz also stays up-to-date with this blog. She regularly posts new articles. When she thinks of something new to write about, she immediately gets to her laptop and starts typing away. She doesn’t have dozens of unfinished drafts.

Unfortunately, you guys are stuck with the real Liz and I am sorry about that. The real Liz has the best intentions. She just falls short. I always say I want to write in here at least once a week but life seems to get in the way. If I’m not too busy to post, then I’m too tired to post.

I am going to try my hardest to keep up with this blog from now on. There is so much I want to write about. I just need to find the time to write.

I realize now that I will fail. There will be weeks and even months where I push off writing here. Just know that this blog is not the only thing real life Liz puts off and doesn’t follow through with. There’s a long list of things. In my head, I’m a great person. In reality, not so much.

In an ideal world, I’d be the type of person who…

Goes shopping on Sunday and prepares food for the week. Who never lets food go to waste and winds up buying lunch the whole week.

Wakes up early enough every morning to leave the house with my hair done and makeup on.

Keeps up-to-date with current events and always knows about the latest news or scandal.

Makes time to fit at least 30 minutes of exercise in my routine daily.

Doesn’t eat brownies and ice cream for dinner.

Is able to always have time for work, family, friends, my bf, and myself.

Actually donates their time to a worthwhile cause and not just think about it.

Doesn’t just pin a million recipes but actually cooks them.

Always has a tidy apartment. Clothes are always put away, dishes are never left in the sink.

Doesn’t just talk/think about all the things they want to do or the type of person they want to be. I would just do.

I really gotta start working harder to live up to the standards of fictional Liz.

Alternative Facts I Will Now Be Living By

I have been living my life wrong this whole time. For so long, I was led to believe that facts are the truth. There are 24 hours in a day. George Washington was the first president of the United States. There are seven continents. I have a BA in Journalism. I worked as the editorial assistant for a magazine. I have an MA in Library Science. I lived by facts.

I learned something AMAZING yesterday. I discovered the existence of alternative facts. This changes everything!

Boss trying to fire me? Alternative Fact: I’m promoted. Boyfriend trying to dump me? Alternative Fact: We’re engaged. Landlord looking for rent? Alternative Fact: I own my apartment.

You know how they say ignorance is bliss? That saying is so true. When you start learning about all the truths in this world, it becomes harder and harder to live a carefree life. Well now you can just go ahead and ignore those facts and come up with your own alternative ones. That is how I plan on living my life from now on. If I don’t like something, I’ll just go ahead and come up with my own alternative truth.

Alternative Fact: Cupcakes are healthy. I can eat as many as I want and never get fat.

Alternative Fact: I don’t have to worry about money anymore. I have an endless supply of funds and should never believe what my bank account says.

Alternative Fact: You don’t need to exercise if you want a nice body. If I just constantly yell to whoever listens that I have the best body of all the bodies, then it will become truth.

Alternative Fact: My life is exactly where I imagined it would be at almost 31.

Alternative Fact: The Yankees won the World Series last year and the Giants are headed to the Super Bowl.

Alternative Fact: Eating pizza every night is the same thing as having a salad.

Alternative Fact: People on FB don’t actually believe the things they blindly share.

Alternative Fact: Half the people of America didn’t vote for a walking Cheeto as president.

Alternative Fact: I’ll definitely be able to buy a house on my own in the near future.

Alternative Fact: There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine every night before you go to bed.

Alternative Fact: I can have a negative opinion about certain things happening in my country without having to “shut up or move away.”

Alternative Fact: The scale, any scale that I ever step on, is broken.

Alternative Fact: Nsync has gotten back together and they are going on a reunion tour this summer.

I don’t know about you guys but my life is already becoming great again thanks to this new alternative reality we live in.

All the Diets I’ve Tried This Year

Like anyone living in a world with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and Photoshop, I am not happy with my body. Yes, I recognize that there are a lot of unrealistic images out there. However, I also see very real people walking the streets rocking jeans and a crop top without a muffin top. (Muffin Tops: great to put in your body but not to have on your body.)

Every year the scale creeps up just a little higher than it was the previous year. And every year I come up with new ways to prevent those numbers from going up. Because I am incapable of doing anything in moderation, I normally concoct the most outlandish diets.

Spoiler Alert: They never work! Here are some of the diets I’ve tried this year to get rid my ever-increasing muffin top.

The “Eat as much as I can on Sunday” Diet – This is my favorite diet because it’s just a precursor to every other diet. Sometime during the week I’ll come up with a whole new plan on how I’m going to get skinny. This time it will be different and I’ll really stick to the diet. But before I start the diet of boring, unfulfilling green shit, I have to treat myself, right? That’s where this diet comes in. The weekend rolls around and I will divulge in all the fattening food I won’t be able to eat once my diet starts.

The “1200 calories a day” Diet – I’ll download the MyFitnessPal app and start recording every single bite I take. This works great for all of breakfast and part of lunch until I realize that every single thing has calories. Why do I have to include the butter I put on my bread? Why the hell does mayonnaise have so many calories? It’s only purpose is to make sure my God damn sandwich isn’t dry!

The “Clean eating” Diet – I can eat unlimited amounts of chicken, veggies, fruit, and sweet potatoes? I love all those things. This should be a piece of cake! And it was. Until I realized that cake was NOT on the clean eating menu.

The “Eat just half of everything” Diet – This diet actually worked for me once. Four years ago. When I was younger and had a much faster metabolism. I also had a lot more self control. I lost about 7 pounds in this diet once. Not this year when I tried it. It turns out that eating half a slice of pizza is impossible.

The “I’m too poor to be this fat” Diet – This diet usually comes not from looking at the scale but from looking at my bank account. When I notice that 95% of my money goes to food, it’s time to go on a money diet.

The “Life is too short to be on a diet” Diet – I have to say, this diet really worked for me this year. It was the only diet I was able to stick to for more than a day. I think I may continue this diet in 2017 because life is too short not to eat the cupcake.

Money Can Buy Happiness

Shut up i'm rich

Money Can’t Buy Happiness. A while ago on this blog I made some comments about my least favorite sayings. I completely dropped the ball on that post. I did not include my least favorite saying of all time: Money Can’t Buy Happiness. What a load of crock that is!

Before you start with the whole “even the richest person could be depressed” nonsense, I’m going to stop you. I get what the saying is supposed to mean. Love and family and inner peace…all that crap is what truly makes a life rich. Rich people have problems too. But here’s the thing, I’d rather take rich people problems than poor people problems any day of the week.

Money really can’t buy happiness? I dunno, having health insurance and a roof over your head and a warm bed to sleep in will make people happy. You know what all those things cost? Money!

Kenny Powers Dollar, Dollar Bills yall

Call me materialistic all you want, but here are just a few things that would make me oh so happy. If only I had the money to afford them.

1. Putting guacamole on my burrito bowl wouldn’t even be a question.

2. My fries would ALWAYS come with cheese on them.

3. I’d never have to wait in traffic to take the bridge. I can slide on over to the fast lane to the tunnel cause who cares about tolls?

4. There’d never be a scramble to find an ATM to take out money when I need cash. I’ll just use my credit card and pay that extra $0.10 a gallon.

5. Speaking of ATMs, I would be able to go to any one I want. No need to worry about paying that $3.00 service fee.

6. Having to wait a week for the sale to start before I can buy ice cream would be a thing of the past.

7. I could order all the take-out I want, all the time, and never have to cry about my life savings going to pizza.

8. Speaking of pizza: Unlimited Toppings!!!

9. Getting dessert after every meal would always happen.

10. And I realize that the majority of these have to do with food but here’s another thing I could get if money wasn’t an option: a personal trainer.

The Steps Every Girl Goes Through When Cutting Her Hair

Now when I say cutting her hair, I do not mean getting a trim. I’m talking about when you decide to take the plunge and cut off several inches of your hair. Or if you’re feeling really bold, decide to shave off everything. (For the sake of eyes everywhere I will never be doing this.)

The movies would have you believe that chopping off all your hair is simple. All a girl needs is a traumatic experience, a hotel room mirror, and some rusty scissors. A few snips and she’s walking out of there like she just stepped out of a Pantene commercial and ready to kick some ass. If I find myself in a hotel room with a rusty pair of scissors, the best I’m walking out with is a trip to the ER for a tetanus shot.

There is a lot that goes into finally deciding to cut your hair.

It all starts when you realize your hair is getting too long. You’ve started washing your hair every other month because styling the Godforsaken mop on top your head requires 10 free hours and the arm strength of The Rock.

You know that a cut has to be scheduled sometime in the near future.

You start doing research for cute hairstyles. There are so many adorable short hairstyles and everyone looks so good. (You don’t take into account that all of these females you’re looking at have had their hair and makeup professionally done because you’re an idiot.) You think, “I can totally pull of a lob.” (A lob is a long bob for those not paying attention.)

You save several photos that you really like and start showing them to everyone you know. Obviously they all tell you that it’s adorable and you’d look great.

You finally decide to call your hair salon and make the appointment.

The day of the appointment comes and you’re feeling excited. You’ve got all those photos on your phone ready to show the stylist. You also rationalize that you’ve got to lose at least 10 pounds after the majority of this mess is off your head.

You sit down at the chair after your hair has been washed and the anxiety starts to kick in. The stylist asks what you want done and you falter. “Maybe I don’t want to cut it short. Maybe just a trim. I could always cut it another time. If I cut it now, I can’t change it.”

You go back and forth with the stylist about just how short you actually want it. Shoulder-length. At the collar bone. Right below the chin. You’re like a deranged auctioneer trying to sell off as little of your hair as possible.

After much haggling and debating, a length is finally decided. It’s not quite as short as you originally planned but still several inches shorter than what you’ve got going on now.

Fear starts to seep in when you see all your luscious locks start to fall to the floor. That’s right. The mop on top of your head suddenly becomes a luscious mane and the monster with the scissors is taking it all away.

You eventually calm yourself down. The hair is already cut. This is what you needed. It will all be OK.

When all the hair has been cut and your new short hair has been styled, you look in the mirror to view the results. It looks great! It’s so healthy-looking. You’re so satisfied with your haircut that you over tip the stylist. It’s all good. She deserves it for dealing with your mane.

For the next three days you constantly check yourself out in every mirror that you pass. You look good. You feel confident. You love your new hair.

Then you wash your hair for the first time and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. You want to find the animals who claim that short hair is the best because it’s so low maintenance. Who invented this myth? Who do I have to punch in the throat? Short hair is so far from being low maintenance. How did the stylist make it look so beautiful? How did she get it to bounce the way that it did? And OMG I can’t even just throw it up in a ponytail without looking like a crazy homeless person!

But eventually things start to settle down. You learn how to style this hair and make yourself look presentable. The short hair starts to grow on you.

However, you vow never to cut your hair short again. That is until the next time your hair grows to unmanageable lengths and you repeat the process all over again.

And now here’s a shameless selfie from someone who recently cut her hair and knows all too well what each of these stages feel like.

me

Things That People Love to Talk About Even Though Nobody Cares

This will come as a shock to no one but I find Facebook to be insufferable. I still have my FB account but I hardly ever use it anymore. I deleted the app from my phone and when I log on at work it’s mostly just to talk to people on messenger.

Facebook is filled with a  bunch of annoying, stupid people talking about shit that no one cares about. (It’s also a constant reminder that everyone and their mother is getting engaged except for me but that’s another post altogether.)

There are certain topics that people love to voice their opinions to whoever will listen. These are topics that no one actually cares about yet people will still ramble on about. Here are some topics that if you ever feel the need to tell someone about quickly shove a sock in your mouth and lock yourself in a closet for a couple of hours because nobody cares.

Dieting – So do you want to hear what I had for lunch today? Wanna hear how many calories I consumed? No! No! Literally no one wants to hear about the healthy, green shit you had for lunch. If you ate at some amazing new restaurant that specializes in unique tacos, by all means please tell me about it. I’d love to hear about these tacos doused in hot sauce and guacamole. But if you want to tell me about the oatmeal you had for breakfast and the salad with dressing on the side for lunch, I’ll take a pass. Eat your salad, be sad about it, and shut up.

Exercising – This tends to coincide with the dieting phenomenon. You start eating salads and going to the gym and suddenly you won’t shut the hell up. There are those people who genuinely believe that if you don’t let FB know you went to the gym then the workout doesn’t really count. All those calories you burned are for nothing because you forgot to check in. For shame!

Dreams – People LOVE talking about their dreams. They love telling a person every little detail about their dream and then asking what the dream could possibly mean. So in your dream you were a giraffe and you made out with the human version of Joe Biden. You want me to try to make sense of that? I dunno, maybe it means that you’re a freaking weirdo. But wanna know what I do know? I know that I don’t care about what you saw in your dreams while you were sleeping. We’re all narcissistic. The only time someone wants to hear about what happened in your dreams is if you dreamed about them. If that’s not the case, keep it to your dream diary.

Politics – #FeeltheBern #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #DoesHillaryEvenHaveACatchphrase #ShutUp #NobodyGivesAShitWhoYoureVotingFor
Politics is one of the main reasons I needed to delete my FB app and minimize the amount of time I spent on the shitty site. This political season in America has been especially nauseating and it seems to have brought out the worst in people. (People that I normally love and cherish.) I never realized before how many of my friends and family are political experts. It was quite the shock to me. News Flash: None of you are political experts and most of you actually know nothing about politics. So please kindly keep your political views to yourself because NOBODY CARES!

*Please note that none of this applies to me when it comes to blogging. I recently booked a trip to Miami so I’ll have plenty of tales about my attempts at dieting and exercising. I may bring Throwback Thursday back just so I can tell you about the dream I had where 50 Cent tried to kill me. (This is a very real dream that still haunts me to this day.) And if Donald Trump somehow becomes president this November, there will be plenty of bitching from me.

31 Thoughts I Have While Trying to Go to Sleep

I used to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Sadly, unless I am drunk, this is not the case for me anymore. Now I need at least 3 hours of TV watching. Ten trips to the bathroom because I have to pee or feel like I have to pee. Then it’s about 7 hours of thinking about every different direction my life can go in the next five years. After this is done, I have about 3 minutes before my alarm goes off.

Clearly, sleeping is a FANTASTIC experience for me. I envy those who fall asleep the second their heads hit the pillow. Please tell me your secrets!

I do a shit ton of thinking before I finally fall asleep. I actually do some of my best thinking before I go to sleep. You have no idea how many blog post ideas I’ve come up with while trying to go to sleep. If I was able to remember even half of the posts I’ve thought up, I’d be writing my 1,000th post right now. Here are just a few of the thoughts that go through my brain when I’m trying my hardest to fall asleep.

  1. Someone needs to invent a device that can screen grab images from my mind so I can look at them in the morning.
  2. Oh God, I am going to have to start paying off my student loans again soon.
  3. Why did you just think of that? Think of something happy.
  4. Ok, what am I going to eat for lunch tomorrow?
  5. Maybe I’ll pick something up on my way to work.
  6. I should really get something healthy. Maybe I’ll get a salad.
  7. Ooh, maybe I’ll go running in the morning before work as well.
  8. Nah, I won’t be getting up early. But I can always go running after work. I don’t get home too late and the weather’s been getting nicer.
  9. Who the hell do you think you’re kidding you delusional psycho? You’re not eating a salad tomorrow and you’re definitely not going running.
  10. Hahaha, I can’t even fight myself on this one.
  11. I’ll probably get a burger tomorrow. I’ve been wanting to try Wahlburger’s.
  12. And when I get home it’s more Game of Thrones for me. Maybe I can finish season 4.
  13. Still cannot fathom that it took me so long to watch that show. I feel like a functioning member of society now.
  14. Keri is partially to blame for my finally watching it. She just wouldn’t shut up about Jon Snow so I had to see what all the fuss was about.
  15. But if I’m being honest, I find Jon Snow really boring. His whole storyline is pretty dull.
  16. And he’s not even the best looking on the show. The Mother of Dragons is by far the hottest on the show.
  17. She’s insane looking and makes me question my sexuality whenever she’s on the screen.
  18. She also has such a nice body.
  19. I bet she doesn’t eat burgers for lunch all the time and skip working out every damn day.
  20. Maybe if I ate less burgers and more salads, I’d have a nicer body as well.
  21. God dammit! How am I on this again? Shut up brain! Either go to sleep or think of something happy.
  22. Spring is finally here! That’s a very happy thought.
  23. Before I know it I’ll be able to wear dresses and sandals when I go out. Can’t wait for that.
  24. And I have so much fun stuff planned in the next coming months.
  25. Can’t wait until I go to D.C. with Keri. It’s going to be so nice to just get away for a couple of days.
  26. I gotta start researching all the great places to eat and cool places to see when I’m there.
  27. Food is probably one of the most important things I care about when I’m going on vacation.
  28. Yea, that’s cause you’re a fat ass who loves food a little too much.
  29. Holy shit! Would you shut up!
  30. I wonder what time it is?
  31. OMG! It’s 2 in the morning. Stop thinking and go to sleep already!

*On a very serious note, does anyone know of any remedies that don’t include pills or alcohol that will help one fall asleep quickly?