Humor

Things That People Love to Talk About Even Though Nobody Cares

This will come as a shock to no one but I find Facebook to be insufferable. I still have my FB account but I hardly ever use it anymore. I deleted the app from my phone and when I log on at work it’s mostly just to talk to people on messenger.

Facebook is filled with a  bunch of annoying, stupid people talking about shit that no one cares about. (It’s also a constant reminder that everyone and their mother is getting engaged except for me but that’s another post altogether.)

There are certain topics that people love to voice their opinions to whoever will listen. These are topics that no one actually cares about yet people will still ramble on about. Here are some topics that if you ever feel the need to tell someone about quickly shove a sock in your mouth and lock yourself in a closet for a couple of hours because nobody cares.

Dieting – So do you want to hear what I had for lunch today? Wanna hear how many calories I consumed? No! No! Literally no one wants to hear about the healthy, green shit you had for lunch. If you ate at some amazing new restaurant that specializes in unique tacos, by all means please tell me about it. I’d love to hear about these tacos doused in hot sauce and guacamole. But if you want to tell me about the oatmeal you had for breakfast and the salad with dressing on the side for lunch, I’ll take a pass. Eat your salad, be sad about it, and shut up.

Exercising – This tends to coincide with the dieting phenomenon. You start eating salads and going to the gym and suddenly you won’t shut the hell up. There are those people who genuinely believe that if you don’t let FB know you went to the gym then the workout doesn’t really count. All those calories you burned are for nothing because you forgot to check in. For shame!

Dreams – People LOVE talking about their dreams. They love telling a person every little detail about their dream and then asking what the dream could possibly mean. So in your dream you were a giraffe and you made out with the human version of Joe Biden. You want me to try to make sense of that? I dunno, maybe it means that you’re a freaking weirdo. But wanna know what I do know? I know that I don’t care about what you saw in your dreams while you were sleeping. We’re all narcissistic. The only time someone wants to hear about what happened in your dreams is if you dreamed about them. If that’s not the case, keep it to your dream diary.

Politics – #FeeltheBern #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #DoesHillaryEvenHaveACatchphrase #ShutUp #NobodyGivesAShitWhoYoureVotingFor
Politics is one of the main reasons I needed to delete my FB app and minimize the amount of time I spent on the shitty site. This political season in America has been especially nauseating and it seems to have brought out the worst in people. (People that I normally love and cherish.) I never realized before how many of my friends and family are political experts. It was quite the shock to me. News Flash: None of you are political experts and most of you actually know nothing about politics. So please kindly keep your political views to yourself because NOBODY CARES!

*Please note that none of this applies to me when it comes to blogging. I recently booked a trip to Miami so I’ll have plenty of tales about my attempts at dieting and exercising. I may bring Throwback Thursday back just so I can tell you about the dream I had where 50 Cent tried to kill me. (This is a very real dream that still haunts me to this day.) And if Donald Trump somehow becomes president this November, there will be plenty of bitching from me.

31 Thoughts I Have While Trying to Go to Sleep

I used to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Sadly, unless I am drunk, this is not the case for me anymore. Now I need at least 3 hours of TV watching. Ten trips to the bathroom because I have to pee or feel like I have to pee. Then it’s about 7 hours of thinking about every different direction my life can go in the next five years. After this is done, I have about 3 minutes before my alarm goes off.

Clearly, sleeping is a FANTASTIC experience for me. I envy those who fall asleep the second their heads hit the pillow. Please tell me your secrets!

I do a shit ton of thinking before I finally fall asleep. I actually do some of my best thinking before I go to sleep. You have no idea how many blog post ideas I’ve come up with while trying to go to sleep. If I was able to remember even half of the posts I’ve thought up, I’d be writing my 1,000th post right now. Here are just a few of the thoughts that go through my brain when I’m trying my hardest to fall asleep.

  1. Someone needs to invent a device that can screen grab images from my mind so I can look at them in the morning.
  2. Oh God, I am going to have to start paying off my student loans again soon.
  3. Why did you just think of that? Think of something happy.
  4. Ok, what am I going to eat for lunch tomorrow?
  5. Maybe I’ll pick something up on my way to work.
  6. I should really get something healthy. Maybe I’ll get a salad.
  7. Ooh, maybe I’ll go running in the morning before work as well.
  8. Nah, I won’t be getting up early. But I can always go running after work. I don’t get home too late and the weather’s been getting nicer.
  9. Who the hell do you think you’re kidding you delusional psycho? You’re not eating a salad tomorrow and you’re definitely not going running.
  10. Hahaha, I can’t even fight myself on this one.
  11. I’ll probably get a burger tomorrow. I’ve been wanting to try Wahlburger’s.
  12. And when I get home it’s more Game of Thrones for me. Maybe I can finish season 4.
  13. Still cannot fathom that it took me so long to watch that show. I feel like a functioning member of society now.
  14. Keri is partially to blame for my finally watching it. She just wouldn’t shut up about Jon Snow so I had to see what all the fuss was about.
  15. But if I’m being honest, I find Jon Snow really boring. His whole storyline is pretty dull.
  16. And he’s not even the best looking on the show. The Mother of Dragons is by far the hottest on the show.
  17. She’s insane looking and makes me question my sexuality whenever she’s on the screen.
  18. She also has such a nice body.
  19. I bet she doesn’t eat burgers for lunch all the time and skip working out every damn day.
  20. Maybe if I ate less burgers and more salads, I’d have a nicer body as well.
  21. God dammit! How am I on this again? Shut up brain! Either go to sleep or think of something happy.
  22. Spring is finally here! That’s a very happy thought.
  23. Before I know it I’ll be able to wear dresses and sandals when I go out. Can’t wait for that.
  24. And I have so much fun stuff planned in the next coming months.
  25. Can’t wait until I go to D.C. with Keri. It’s going to be so nice to just get away for a couple of days.
  26. I gotta start researching all the great places to eat and cool places to see when I’m there.
  27. Food is probably one of the most important things I care about when I’m going on vacation.
  28. Yea, that’s cause you’re a fat ass who loves food a little too much.
  29. Holy shit! Would you shut up!
  30. I wonder what time it is?
  31. OMG! It’s 2 in the morning. Stop thinking and go to sleep already!

*On a very serious note, does anyone know of any remedies that don’t include pills or alcohol that will help one fall asleep quickly?

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Make Adult Decisions

So as you all know, I recently found an apartment and moved into my new digs on February 15th. I bet you’re all wondering how it’s been going. I know you guys can’t sleep at night thinking about poor Liz from Am I Thirty? and her apartment troubles. Well things have not been going so great. The apartment has been a hot mess since day one.

For starters, the apartment was an absolute mess when I first moved in. Now I got this apartment in an interesting way. My brother-in-law’s friend used to live there before he got married. My brother-in-law had his friend check with the landlords to see if it was still available. Sadly, it wasn’t. The landlords had just rented it out to a young couple. Naturally, I was pissed. This young couple are taking the next step and moving in together but I’m still stressing about getting a text back. But I was also pissed cause finding an apartment is definitely in one of the nine circles of Hell. These assholes got to it first, putting me back at square one.

Where isn't the bathroom - apartment hunting

But the apartment Gods were on my side. My brother-in-law gave me the landlord’s information cause the apartment was unexpectedly available again. Turns out the young couple taking the next step in their relationship didn’t work out. (My current landlord is incredibly talkative so I know all the details.) Apparently the landlord heard the couple fighting at three in the morning. The girlfriend was calling the boyfriend a liar and saying that she saw the text messages. Girlfriend’s family drives down from Massachusetts the next day, packs up all her stuff, and that’s the end of that young couple. Clearly the boyfriend is too devastated from being an idiot and not deleting his text messages so he decides he wants to move out. This worked out for me in more way than one. 1. I finally had an apartment to move into. 2. The whole story reminded me just why relationships are not worth the trouble.

However, the boyfriend still lived at the apartment for a few weeks after his girlfriend left him high and dry. And he was very clearly wallowing in his own self pity. The apartment looked as though he wiped his piss all over the walls and would randomly vomit on the floors. It was a mess. I don’t even want to attempt to describe to you what the toilet looked like. I don’t want to give you guys nightmares.

So I spent the first week and a half at my new place not actually sleeping there and just scrubbing every inch of the place when I was there. Then I needed to make some serious adult decisions. Do you have any idea how many things are needed to put together an apartment?! This isn’t the first time I’ve moved out on my own but the other times I had most of the essentials that are needed. This time around I needed EVERYTHING!

Furnishing an entire apartment from scratch taught me a lot. It taught me that I know NOTHING!

Here are just a few of the thoughts I’ve had and things I’ve done while putting together this apartment that prove I should not be allowed to make adult decisions without a more real adult watching over me.

  1. When I was preparing to clean, I thought it was wise to buy paper towels from the Dollar store. This was not a good idea. They fell apart within five minutes and somehow managed to make the cabinets even dirtier.
  2. I have no idea how to properly clean a bathroom without wanting to vomit every five minutes.
  3. Why are garbage cans so expensive? They just hold dirty crap! They should not be over 100 dollars!
  4. Buying a mattress is a hard decision and it’s not something that should be done online. I feel like most intelligent adults know this. Unfortunately for myself, I am not an intelligent adult. I bought a mattress online from Sleepy’s and it was a mess. I tried to go for a deal but I did go with a mattress that got decent reviews so I thought it’d be OK. Well the mattress came and it was the width of a mattress that would normally go on a cot. I should have known when the website said the height was 6 inches. I thought 6 inches was substantial. I was wrong. You ever have a 6″ sandwich from Subway. It’s basically like eating air. I got the 6″ Subway sandwich of mattresses.
  5. I am a 12-year-old posing as a 30-year-old. I cannot sleep in my own apartment without leaving the television on. And my first night sleeping there, I had a nightmare and woke up at 4 in the morning freaked out.
  6. Bedrooms sets are another extremely difficult purchase and insanely expensive. I also have no idea how to properly purchase bedroom sets. I finally found a bedroom set I really liked online so I used my brand new credit card with no interest for 21 months (SCORE!) to make the purchase. The bedroom set comes and I find out that it has no bed frame. It’s just a headboard. It’s rather difficult to put together a bed/bedroom without a friggen bed frame!
  7. Shopping for one person is the hardest thing you will ever do. (I still have no idea how much chicken will feed a family of one for a week.) That probably explains why my fridge consists of one rotisserie chicken, a tomato, and four bottles of wine.
  8. I am still living off paper plates and utensils but I have enough wine glasses in my apartment to entertain a party of 12. Clearly my priorities are in order.

So my apartment may still be a complete hot mess and I don’t see this changing anytime soon, but you all are more than welcome to come over. There’s no shortage of chicken and wine. And really what more could you want from a party?!

What New Year’s Resolutions Actually Look Like

lying to yourself gifHappy New Year’s bitches! (I’m a few days late but go with it! I never post on here when I actually want to.) I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s. I had a party at my sister’s house and passed out on the couch after one too many shots of Jameson. Translation: I had an awesome New Year’s!

New Year’s is that annoying time when people won’t shut the fuck about all that “New Year, New Me” nonsense. You’re not going to change into some better version of yourself once the clock strikes midnight. You’d think by now people would realize that New Year’s resolutions are a joke. You’re just lying to yourself. But nope! Come January first, a membership to the gym becomes the hottest ticket in town and you realize that people are still buying into the idea of New Year’s resolutions.

I am all for people making goals in the New Year. I don’t want to spend all 365 days sitting on my ass watching Netflix. (Plenty of those days will be spent doing that but not all 365.) I’d like to accomplish a few things before December 31, 2016. And so should you! Goals are good to have but let’s all stop with the resolutions. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to completely change who you are as a person simply because the calendar year now ends with a six instead of a five.

And the real kicker is that most people make the same set of resolutions. Resolutions that they usually proceed to fail within the first month or so of the New Year. Let’s take a look at how your resolutions are really going to turn out.

“I am going to eat more healthy food!”
This is one that too many people make. You wind up eating like shit from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Eve, realize that you don’t fit into any of your pants anymore, and decide that a change needs to be made. This is the year you’re going to finally say goodbye to fried foods and start eating a ton of green shit.

Eating healthy - dieting sucksHere’s how things really go: That first week is awesome. You pack salad for lunch and eat nothing but grilled chicken for days. Then someone decides to bring donuts to the office and all hell breaks loose. You consume five donuts in a matter of minutes and you’ve officially lost your way. 2016 will just be another year where you spend Sundays eating everything in your house because “I’m totally going to start my diet tomorrow.”

“I am going to start working out more!”
I wasn’t kidding when I said a gym membership becomes the hottest ticket in town. The eating healthy and working out tend to go together. You’re not going to throw down Big Macs and then run on the treadmill. You’re going to eat your sad salad and work out for forty minutes. So you buy that gym membership and vow that the money won’t go to waste because you’ll use the gym ALL THE TIME!

I did that pushup for nothingHere’s how things really go: You waste your hard earned money on a gym membership every month yet you never actually go to the gym. You go the first week and convince yourself that you’re really getting into a routine. Then it starts to get colder and colder. Then a really big snow storm hits. No one wants to work all day and then go to the gym when it’s zero degrees outside. So that routine is out the window. You spend the next few months hibernating. Then the weather gets warmer and you think, “Now I can get that bikini body.” So once again you go to the gym for about a week before you realize all the other shit you’d rather be doing than working out.

“I am going to start saving money.”
Saving money is smart. It’s always good to have that rainy day stash. So you figure that this will finally be the year that you really put aside that 10% of your check every time you get paid. You can do this. Ten percent is nothing! Building a nice savings account will be easy.

treat yo selfHere’s how things really go: Saving money is really hard! You have some really great intentions of putting money aside every week but then life gets in the way. People have birthdays, you just have to have that new dress, you gotta eat a lot of fattening food on Sunday before you start your diet the next day, some asshole hits your car while it’s parked and you have to shell out $300 to get it fixed (this actually happened to me in 2015). You wanna save money but shit just keeps getting in the way!

“I’m going to start going out more and enjoying life.”
People usually fall into two categories: the saving money group or the going out more group. It’s hard to do both. You can either save your money or go out and live your life. Usually those who had a particularly boring year tend to enter the latter group. They decide they’re going to go on more vacations, go to more parties, become more of a “Yes Man.”

Help me, I'm poorHere’s how things really go: You start to look up some vacation packages just to see where you can go. Then you realize that shit is crazy expensive. Being a “Yes Man” is great in theory until you start realizing that shots and a trip to the Bahamas aren’t quite as important as paying your rent every month.

“I am going to start dating more and really giving people a chance.”
You know what else is a hot ticket in January besides a gym membership? A membership to an online dating site. You’ve spent the holidays alone with no one to kiss under the mistletoe or when the clock strikes at midnight. You vow that by next year you’ll have someone to cuddle up with when the temperature drops. So you find your best selfies and join a dating site. You’re ready to start giving people a chance and be more open with dating.

I don;t like peopleHere’s how things really go: Turns out that online dating is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. You go on a few dates and each one starts and ends with you just wanting to get home so you can finish binge watching your show. Turns out that most people suck and dating really brings out the worst in people.

Resolutions are for chumps! Just don’t even do them. Instead make some goals. Work towards something you’ve wanted to achieve for awhile now.

Eight Other Christmas Songs That Are Super Offensive

baby it's cold outside

So The Washington Post recently wrote an article about “Baby It’s Cold Outside” apparently being the new rape anthem and Bill Cosby’s favorite song. They asked what should be done with this song and how much longer a wholesome store like Macy’s will continue to play this atrocious melody.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” was written back in 1944. Back when women were supposed to be proper ladies who only gave their vaginas to their husbands and only for the sole person to make other little humans. I think it’s pretty obvious the lady who “really can’t stay” wants to stay but society won’t have it. She needs to act demure so she doesn’t have to worry about what “the neighbors might think.”

If this song was written today and the lyrics were the exact same, I’d be thinking “home boy needs to take no for an answer and girl needs to put that drink down right away and run out of that apartment as fast as she can.” But also, if it was written for today’s society where women are allowed to have sex and make their own decisions (shocking, I know!), the song would probably be a lot shorter. It would probably go one of two ways.

I really can’t stay
Baby, it’s cold outside
Shit you’re right it is cold – Pour me a glass of wine and let’s see what’s on Netflix
OR
No shit Sherlock, It’s winter, Of course it’s cold – Give me my jacket so I can leave
The End

Not everything needs to be taken at face value and not everything in this world is offensive. But if we’re going to attack “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” let’s look at some other SUPER offensive Christmas songs that need to be banned immediately.

1. Deck the Halls
Offensive Lyric – Don we now our gay apparel
Excuse me, what do you mean my “gay apparel.” Are you trying to say that just because I’m wearing my favorite flannel shirt I must be a lesbian? Offensive!

2. Happy Holidays
Offensive Lyric – The whole fucking song!
What is this shit about Happy Holidays? It’s Merry Christmas NOT Happy Holidays.

3. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names; The never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games
So years of bullying can just be pushed aside cause Santa finds himself in a pickle? Not cool, not cool at all!

4. Feliz Navidad
Offensive Lyric – Feliz Navidad, Prospero Año y Felicidad
This is pretty obvious: Cultural Appropriation! Do you have any idea how many non-Spanish speaking people I’ve seen belt out this song? Offensive!

for lease navidad

5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – And we just can’t help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back!)
This entire song is pretty much one big fuck you to poor little old Grandma. She gets left with hoof prints on her forehead and her husband is chilling watching football and her ungrateful kids want to send back the gifts she bought. It’s messed up.

6. Do They Know It’s Christmas
Offensive Lyric – And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time, The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Fun fact: Despite popular belief, Africa is in fact not just one big giant country but a continent. Crazy, I know!

7. Santa Claus Is Watching You
Offensive Lyric – So baby if you ever do me wrong, Break my heart and leave me alone, When Christmas comes, you’ll be crying too, ‘Cause Santa Claus is watching you, He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere
I fully admit that I actually had never heard this song before writing this post. The entire lyrics are pretty amazing. I suggest you check them out. This pretty much reads like a song Edward would dedicate to Bella during the holidays.

8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Offensive Lyric – Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, Underneath his beard so snowy white
I am an idiot and for a really long time I thought this was a song about a little boy catching her mom’s cheating ass. I though mom was cheating on dad with Santa. Now I realize that this little boy has walked in on some weird role playing by his parents and that is sooooo much creepier and offensive.

I would like the record to show that I actually love all of these Christmas songs and everyone needs to leave these songs alone! I wasn’t kidding when I said Christmas music was the shit.

To all my lovely readers, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy some delicious Chinese food!

merry christmas assface

This Is My Grown-Up Christmas List

what do you want for christmasI love Christmas songs. The second it hits November 1st, I start blasting the Christmas songs. And I will play Mariah Carey’s iconic “All I Want For Chistmas” all year round. Anyone who has a problem with this can fight me. Christmas music is the shit!

However, I will fully admit that some Christmas songs are ridiculous. “My Grown-Up Christmas List” is number one on the ridiculous list for me. I love all things cheesy but even this is a little too cheesy for me. What you really want for Christmas is for no more wars to start and for love to never end?

you do bridesmaidsWell aren’t you just a special snowflake? News Flash: most people do want these things for Christmas. If someone said to me, “Listen you can either get yet ANOTHER gift set of lotions from Bath & Body Works or guarantee that no child would ever go to bed hungry again. Which one do you want?” I’m not a heathen. I’ll buy the lotions myself. Let the poor children eat.

But let’s be serious here. Wars ain’t ending and my shitty paycheck ain’t feeding all those hungry kids. I can barely feed myself. I can sing my little hear out about all the ways I’d like to see this world get its shit together, but it’s not going to help. In the end of the day, people are still going to be hungry, people are still going to be dying, and idiots are still going to be convinced that Donald Trump would actually make a good president. You can’t fix the world with a Christmas List.

So I’m going to be grumpy, materialistic, and shallow, and mention all the things that I really want on my Grown-Up Christmas List:

1. I would like to be able to drink without feeling like I need 27 Gatorades, 55 cheeseburgers, and 200 hours of sleep to recover the next day.

2. Please stop Demi Lovato from ever making music again. Nothing against her as a person. I’m sure she’s lovely but her music is atrocious. And this is coming from someone who has loved every single song Justin Bieber has ever released.

3. Could I please have Tom Hiddleston eye-fuck me the way he’s eye-fucking Kat Dennings in this gif? And when he’s done can he dick-fuck me?

tom hiddleston eye fuck

4. Can my family just erase any memory of reading that above sentence about me being asked to be dick-fucked? Thanks!

5. Since there is no way I am ever going to diet, can I please just be able to eat whatever I want and maintain my weight? That’s not even asking that much. I’m not asking to be a size zero. I’ll deal with this muffin top if I knew it won’t get any bigger no matter how many cupcakes I devour.

6. I want a boy who I will actually like. A boy who understands the difference between their and they’re, doesn’t send dick pics, and will watch ridiculously cheesy horror movies form Netflix with me. And because I already said I’d be shallow, if he could be taller than me when I wear heels, that’d be fantastic!

7. I want to be able to eat whatever I’m craving at any moment but my bank account to never suffer from my insatiable appetite.

8. Whenever I pin any article of clothing to my “Fashion I’ll Never Actually Own” board, I want it to immediately be transported to my closet.

9. A job that doesn’t make me want to murder myself every Monday morning and pays me enough to live with a roof over my head and still be able to enjoy the occasional happy hour.

10. Speaking of Happy Hour…whenever I go out, can drinks always be at happy hour prices and appetizers be half-off?

11. I would like to be able to go a whole month without having a random panic attack where I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest for no good reason.

12. I would love for my hair to dry naturally looking like I just stepped out of a Pantene commercial.

13. And I guess when you’re done finding me a man, a job, and making me look good, you can make sure we stop killing each other!  Thanks Santa, you’re the best!

*So what would be on your Christmas list? Feel free to be as unrealistic as possible!

TBT: Don’t Ever Give Me a Pet Hamster

throwbackthursday_622x250Source

This may come as a shock to some of you but there are times when I have no idea what in the world to write about on this blog. Considering how OFTEN I post on here, I’m sure this is incredibly shocking news. With the frequency of my posts, you’d think the ideas are flowing out of me day and night.

Since all of that was clearly sarcasm and I never post frequently on this blog, I’ve decided to change things up a bit by bringing you a new segment I like to call: Throwback Thursday.

I never actually participate in Throwback Thursday on social media. (#TBT for all you cool kids!) I went through an awkward stage from ages 5 to 25. No one wants to see pics of me when I was younger. But stories of a ridiculous childhood can be hilarious and make for fantastic blog posts. That’s why I bring to you the first in my Throwback Thursday series: My disastrous history with pet hamsters. emma watson pet hamster

Oh Emma Watson, I have never related to you so much before. I have had three pet hamsters in my lifetime and they have all died tragic deaths. One was murdered and the other two committed suicide.

I’m a horrible person and cannot actually remember the names of my pet hamsters. Maybe that’s why they killed themselves. They’d rather be dead than have me as their owner. Hamster #1 was the first one to kill himself.

I was good to Hamster #1. I played with him after school every day. He had a nice big cage with a wheel which was perfect for when he wanted to have fun and lose a little weight. He even got one of those clear plastic balls he could roll around the house in. This bastard had everything a little hamster could want but it just wasn’t good enough.

Hamster #1 loved his little hamster wheel. He would play it in at all hours. At least, I always thought he played on it cause he loved it. In reality, he was planning his escape. His escape from this world and the overzealous love of an eight-year-old enjoying their first pet. I woke up one morning to find Hamster #1 lying next to the hamster wheel with a broken neck. Over twenty years later and I still remember the look of fear on his dead face. I live with that image to this day.

My precious parents tried to convince me that he must have fallen off the hamster wheel while it was still turning and got stuck. But I knew better. This bastard was preparing for this all along. He trained on that hamster wheel we lovingly placed in his cage to see how fast he could go. Once he hit maximum speed, he dove head first into that metal hamster wheel of doom! No one will ever be able to convince me it happened any other way.

You’d think that after seeing one hamster murder itself, I’d be done. You’d think wrong. In fact, after that debacle, I got two more hamsters. I thought if only Hamster #1 had a friend maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself.

Enter Hamster #2 and Hamster #3. (I’m still an evil bastard who cannot remember their names.) And it was a horrible disaster from the very beginning. This was no match made in heaven. They absolutely hated one another. Apparently they thought their clear glass cage was a steel cage set for no-holds-barred fights. Several times we caught them in a bloody mess after fighting.

A normal family would have bought a second cage and called it day. Easy solution! I don’t have a normal family. Our solution? Take a giant textbook and place it in the middle of the cage to separate these wannabe MMA hamsters.

The textbook divider worked for a little bit, until it didn’t anymore. One night I was at my friend’s house getting ready to enjoy a sleepover when I got a devastating call from my father. Apparently someone, in their haste to separate the dueling monsters, smashed Hamster #2 with the book. I wish I were kidding. Someone in my family, someone that I trusted, murdered Hamster #2 in cold blood. To this day no one in my family has ever come clean but I think I know who it is. I bet it was my older sister. She’s my favorite person in the world now but when we were younger, she was pure evil. (Maybe I’ll tell you some horror stories of having an older sister in the next edition of TBT.)

So the murder of Hamster #2 goes down as one of the country’s greatest unsolved mysteries and it left me with just Hamster #3. You’d think that after witnessing her arch-nemesis being murdered, she’d be happy. You’d think she’d be dancing around like the munchkins singing “Ding Dong the witch is dead.” Apparently she wasn’t happy. Maybe she was angry that she wasn’t the one who got to do the killing.

So Hamster #3 becomes the second hamster I own to murder itself. I come home from school so excited to play with my one hamster that hasn’t tragically died yet, only to see her sound asleep in the corner of her cage. Being the nice pet owner that I am, I let her sleep. Several hours pass and I think either my hamster has turned into Rip Van Winkle or something is up.

I tap the glass and nothing happens. In my heart, I knew she was dead. That’s the fate of the hamsters in my world. But I wasn’t brave enough to find it out for myself. I call my dad over to investigate. He turns poor little Hamster #3 over and we find a wood chip buried deep inside her stomach. The wood chips I lovingly laid on the bottom of the cage so she’d have a comfy place to sleep were used as a weapon to kill. Once again my parents tried to convince me that this was all an accident. She was just trying to get comfortable when one of those killer wood chips plowed into her. Freak accident. But I knew better. One freak accident, maybe. But after three dead hamsters, I was done.

I didn’t get another hamster after that. I couldn’t do it. It was pretty obvious that I was cursed to live out the rest of my days hamster-less. Future children (if I ever have you) please never ask for a hamster. The answer is no cause I shudder to think what new ways these hamsters would find to commit suicide.