Relationships

I’m My Own Worst Enemy When It Comes to Dating

Bridesmaid he was cute so I ran away

I wish I could say that this post comes with some sort of advice or lesson learned. It doesn’t. This is a way for me to try to work out a problem I’ve always had. A problem that I cannot even begin to explain. Maybe some of you lovely readers will have some answers. If nothing else, maybe I’ll be able to find some fellow weirdos who can relate.

It all started at a very young age. Probably in the third grade with the first boy who had a crush on me. He was so sweet. When I was out sick for a week right before the holidays and my dad came to school to pick up my homework, this boy gave him a present for me. It was a stuffed animal with a note hoping that I’ll feel better soon. That was incredibly sweet and showed bravery. An 8-year-old went up to my father to give him a present for the daughter that he has a crush on. This crush went nowhere. I didn’t even hold his hand (the equivalent of getting to third base when you’re eight). I immediately friend-zoned this poor guy.

Maybe I just didn’t like this little Romeo. I’ve already went over how just being “the nice guy” isn’t enough. But I have a history of turning away the boys I’ve liked as well. My first date was in the fifth grade to see Liar, Liar with a boy I really liked. Halfway through the movie, with my date constantly trying to put his arm around me, I came to the realization that maybe I don’t like this guy after all. Needless to say, this was our first and last date. Then for my sixth grade prom, the boy I had the biggest crush on actually asked me to be his prom date! I was ecstatic for a day before I started to question whether I actually really did like him. Turns out I didn’t so I had a friend tell him that I couldn’t go to the prom with him. (I am fully aware that I am coming off as Regina George-levels of mean and maybe I was when it came to these poor boys. But I really didn’t do it intentionally.)

This cycle of being a weirdo followed me into high school. I was a loser in high school. Braces, glasses, and a back brace will do that. I didn’t stand a chance. But there were a few boys who actually showed me attention. What did I do? I bet you’ll never guess. I ran away! One boy, who was tall, cute, and played football, inexplicably showed interest in me when I was a freshman in high school. I immediately closed up whenever I saw him and would go out of my way to avoid talking to him on the bus or in the hallway. A big part of this could be attributed to confusion. I just went over what I was packing in high school. I thought that this dude was playing some kind of cruel trick by being nice to me.

I wish I could say that after I left my teenage years, things got better. They haven’t. In fact, they have just gotten worse. There have been boys that I have genuinely liked. Truly cared about. But it’s always been at a distance. I never truly let them in. The second I feel as though things may be starting to get serious, I find some excuse to bail. No person in this world is perfect so if you try hard enough you’ll always be able to come up with an excuse to leave them. There’s always something that you’re not going to like. When I find that something, I convince myself that it’s a deal breaker.

There was one boy in my life that I let get to me. One boy that I actually cried over. It was a boy I met in college. He was really into me and always tried hanging out with me but surprise, surprise I kept putting it off. This happened for two semesters. Then finally he reveals to me that he got a GF so we stopped talking. Fast forward a little over three years and he calls me out of the blue. We start dating even though he was only 3-months out of a long-term relationship with the very girl that caused us to stop talking so many years ago. This guy was a walking red flag but I didn’t care. I went along with it anyway cause I actually liked him. A boy I actually liked and wanted to spend time with! I couldn’t pass it up.

Naturally things started to go south rather quickly. The texts got less frequent, something always came up when we were supposed to hang out. Eventually things ended cause he was still hung up on his GF (they even went to dinner one night while me and him were supposedly dating). I knew he was hung up on his GF, I knew he was emotionally unavailable, but I went along with it anyway. Nonsense with this boy went on and off for a little over a year before it ended for good. I know you guys are shaking your end at me for thinking getting into a relationship with a guy right out a long-term relationship was a good idea. Trust me, I’m shaking my head at myself. Maybe the allure of him being emotionally unavailable is what pulled me in.

Things still haven’t gotten better. This February, I met a boy. A tall boy with GREAT hair, who had his own place and made me laugh. He made an effort to take me out on real, proper dates. He cooked me dinner. The first time he did, I went to his place and the table was all set and everything. He also made me feel really pretty. He was incredibly complimentary, and not in an annoying, “just saying you look nice cause I should” way. He was so genuine in his compliments. Any normal girl, after coming across a guy like this would be elated. Unfortunately, we’ve already established that I’m not a normal girl. I literally found everything to discredit this guy. “He’s really clingy.” “He texts a lot.” “He wants to hang out all the time.”

(You are completely justified in judging me while reading this and please feel free to be mean to me in the comments section. I need it.)

Fast forward a few months later, I’ve found a way to sabotage things with the boy from February and I’m getting ready to be set up with my brother-in-law’s friend. Things are good for about a week before they start to go south. Regular readers will be familiar with this one. He’s the infamous almost relationship boy. This boy has been trouble since day one yet I keep coming back. (Yep, he is still in the picture.) It’s as though him being emotionally unavailable and a dick to me, is the way to my heart.

I’ve expressed my concerns about my dating habits to the people closest to me. I fear that I’m not actually capable of falling in love. There has to be something wrong with me that I can’t find anyone I truly like. I fear that I may have met the one for me but in my own stupidity I let him get away. (I still think about the boy from February a lot and genuinely miss him.)

They all tell me the things you’re supposed to say to someone when they are single and complaining: “You just haven’t met that special someone yet. He’s out there.” I get the sentiment and it’s the right thing to say, but it’s not always true. Not everyone finds their special someone. We all know at least a few people in their forties who never settled down. And if I’m being completely honest with myself and letting my guard down, that’s one of my biggest fears. I like being single. However, I don’t want to be alone forever. It’d be nice to find that person I could share life’s ups and downs with. But sometimes I feel as though I’m not capable of it.

I am not big on New Year’s resolutions. They are stupid and usually never actually work out. But if I had to commit to one thing in the upcoming year, I’d like to be less of an idiot when it comes to dating. I’m FAR from perfect and I need to remember that so is the person I’m dating. If they treat me right and make me laugh, then I shouldn’t be going out of my way to find things to dislike about them.

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The Number One Rule of Dating

the rules of datin - he's just not that into you
When you start dating someone, you’re going to find yourself doing a lot of questioning. “Does this person like me?” “What exactly are they looking for?” “Am I coming on too strong?” “When should I sleep with them?” “Should I have ‘the talk’ or should I just wait it out?” So. Many. Questions.

You are going to turn to every outlet available to find the answers to these questions. Do a quick Google search of “When should I sleep with the person I’m dating?” and it will turn up millions of results. And each article you find will have a different response. Three dates. Five Dates. Three months. Marriage. Any situation you find yourself in, I guarantee someone else has been in that exact same position. Some other person has found themselves dealing with a person who doesn’t respond to texts fast enough or went from texting every day to completely MIA overnight. And I bet they even wrote a blog post about it to help the next person figure out how to handle it.

Aside from the always helpful Internet, there are real life people to turn to when your dating life gets a bit tricky. I know for myself my friends are always there with a helpful, “Fuck him. I hate him and he’s not worth the trouble.” They really mean well. They just want to help you out and don’t want to see you get hurt.

Well luckily your favorite blogger is here so you don’t have to turn to the Internet or real life people anymore. I’m here to hit you with some real truth. I have got all the dating advice you’ll ever need. Once you read this you’ll never have to take another “But what does this text really mean?” quiz ever again.

Here is the number one dating rule that everyone needs to follow:

1. Don’t follow any dating rules. Don’t listen to a stupid article that describes the proper way to act with someone that you’re dating. Do whatever you feel is right for your relationship and whatever makes you comfortable.

jenna marbles - mind blown

Your mind must be officially blown right now. But what about the rules??? Well lovely readers, I kindly say fuck the rules! You want to bang on the first date, go right ahead! You want to wait until you feel completely comfortable, no matter how long that may take, then do that.

Relationships and dating are not one size fits all. In the end of the day, it’s just you and that one other person involved in the situation. If you rely on strangers from the Internet or your friends to constantly dictate how to proceed with your relationship, then you’re doing it wrong.

However I will give you just one little piece of advice, even though I just said don’t listen to strangers from the Internet: When it comes to relationships and dating, you really need to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you. Don’t overthink sending a text or asking to hang out. Don’t over-analyze ever single text you receive. Plenty of times people really do just mean what they say and there isn’t some hidden code in a “Hey, what’s up?” text. But the second you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or badly about yourself, then you need to back away.

Do I Call You My Ex? The Case of the “Almost Relationship”

Almost Lover A Fine FrenzyAs someone who dates a lot but never actually ends up in a relationship, I often come across what I like to refer to as the “almost relationship.” This happens when you meet someone and there is intrigue and attraction. You can tell this isn’t going to be a one-date deal. You start to get into a routine. You talk almost every day and see each other a few times a week. It definitely seems like it’s leading to something and then after a few weeks or a couple of months, it starts to fade. Plenty of times nothing is actually said to end the “almost relationship.” You just start to talk less and less.

I am the first to admit that the majority of the times my “almost boyfriends” have turned into someone that I used to know (try reading that without singing, I dare you) is because of me. A huge part of it is my insane fear of commitment. I always think I want to be a relationship and I genuinely don’t want to wind up alone for the rest of my life, but the second I see things starting to get serious, I put an end to it. I’ll usually find something about the guy that I don’t like. Something that I just cannot put up with so clearly I have to put an end to this whole thing before it gets serious. Most of the time it’s a completely superficial thing. It’s just my way of ending things before they get into territory that scares me.

Twice I have found myself on the other end, and the second time came last night. Let me just say that it’s a horrible feeling. It’s not so much losing the person. Sure I liked the guy but three weeks is a short amount of time. I’ll easily be able to get over him and move on. The worst part of these “almost relationships” ending is the way it makes you feel. This person is just getting to know you. They’ve only seen the preview of you and have already decided that they’ve had enough and need to back away as fast as possible. That is a really shitty feeling. It doesn’t matter how nice the guy is about it and whatever reason he gives, you will wake up feeling like assballs. At least, assballs is what I felt like this morning when I woke up.

Coming to terms with the ending of an “almost relationship” is never fun but having been on both sides, I have learned a few things. When someone ends something with you before it even starts, you’re going to feel like it’s all your fault. Clearly there is something wrong with you. And here’s the thing, a part of it is you. This person did decide that they don’t want to be with you. But it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

Overall, it is all about the other person. There can a million reasons that someone decides they don’t want to be in a relationship. There are plenty of guys I’ve let go that were great guys and would make great boyfriends. They just weren’t right with me. Actually, I’ve had to deal with the regret of ending an “almost relationship” prematurely. There is one boy in particular who I always regret ending things with. And there is nothing I can do about it now because he’s in a relationship with someone else. See how that works. He was the one who probably felt crappy at the end of our relationship and now he’s doing fine and I’m pining away.

For anyone dealing with end of an “almost relationship,” I know it sucks. It’s a major blow to your ego and you’re going to need a few days to wallow and feel sad. Do it. Complain to your friends all you want. But remember that you’re going to move on very quickly. This person wasn’t in your life long enough to even make a dent. Moving on will be easy. And you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Think of all the people that you came across, lovely people, who you realized that you didn’t want to be with. We’re not going to want to date every person we meet. There’d be no fun and excitement if that were the case. One day you’re going to find yourself in an “almost relationship” that will seamlessly flow into an actual relationship. It may just take a little longer than you hoped for. At least, I know it’s taking a lot longer for me.

Because I’m feeling melancholy today and it fits with the theme of this post, here’s one of my favorite sad songs:

And, don’t forget to leave me some love in the comments. Comments always make me happy. And a happy blogger means more upbeat, funny posts in the near future.

Thoughts of a Perpetually Single Girl

i'm so singleI’m the single friend. I’m always the single friend. Relationships and I go together like peanut butter and tuna fish.

Now the Internet would have you believe that single people can only be one of two things: Either I am strutting in my 6-inch heels shouting to the world that “I’m an independent woman and I don’t need no man” or I am lying in bed, downing my fifth glass of wine, and crying while yet another friend is getting engaged, all while shouting to the world that “I’m forever alone.”

Here’s the thing: being the perpetually single girl means I do a little bit of both. It’s the best of times. It’s the worst of times. Sometimes it’s really fucking awesome and sometimes it really fucking sucks. See, it’s not so different than what it’s like to be in a relationship.

1. “There has to be something wrong with me.” This thought will pop into your head at some point. You just can’t seem to find someone that you genuinely like and would want to commit to. Everyone else seems to fall into relationships so easily so clearly the problem must lie with you.

2. Whenever someone comes to you to complain about their relationship (and they always seem to come to you like you’re clearly the expert), you feel much better about your single status. Relationships can be great but they can also be really stressful. Hearing someone complain about the latest drama in their relationship will make you incredibly grateful that you don’t have to deal with any of that.

3. You’ll want to smack the people who ask, “Why are you still single?” Everything about that question is obnoxious and it needs to be wiped out of existence immediately.

4. When you go out, there’s always that possibility of meeting someone. We all know they say things come when we’re not looking for them or when we least expect them. However, when you’re perpetually single, it’s always in the back of your mind that you can meet someone when out. And this is a good thing. The possibility of meeting someone new is exciting.

5. You will cherish your single friends, especially when you start getting older. Making a new friend in your late twenties and finding out that she’s single as well is basically the equivalent to finding out your kindergarten classmate’s favorite color is also blue. Instant best friends!

6. While you’re incredibly happy for them, a part of you will get sad when one of your single friends gets into a relationship. “Why did you go over to the dark side?”

7. Realizing that you could go on vacation tomorrow or move cross country without having to take anyone else into consideration except yourself is an amazing feeling.

8. You will become incredibly comfortable being single. Sometimes you’ll fear that you might be getting a little too comfortable. “I have to share this luxurious bed with another human being for the rest of my life? What if they’re not cool with Oreos in bed? That’s no way to live!”

9. Going to weddings will suck. Even if you are doing fine with your singleness, it will be a reminder of just how single you really are. Getting invited with a plus one is always a dilemma. “Do I scramble to see if I can get a date to come with me or do I just suck it up and go alone?”

10. Seeing a razor in the winter will make you pause and think, “What the hell is that?” My legs resemble Chewbacca in the winter because no one is seeing them but me.

11. Meeting someone new who *GASP* you actually like is incredibly scary. You’ll make yourself crazy thinking of all the ways you are going to mess it up because your track record has shown that this cannot end well.

12. But deep down you know that no matter how things turn out with the new guy, you’ll be OK. You’ve figured out long ago that you’re OK being alone and don’t need to be in a relationship.

What You Need To Get Over A Break-Up

new girl nick miller

This is not the appropriate way to act when someone is breaking up with you.

One of my good friends is going through a difficult break-up. It’s always hard when someone you love is going through a break-up with their significant other. You can spend hours telling them everything that was wrong with their boyfriend (he wore sleeveless hoodies!) and convincing them that the misery they are feeling will pass, but it’s going to take some time for them to recognize your words as truth.

When you’re sitting in your bedroom hysterically crying at 4 in the morning, it’s hard to remember the reasons you ended a relationship. Just a call or a text could make everything better. The problem is that while the communication will provide instant gratification, in the end it will make things worse. You need to remember the reasons you broke up in the first place. Hearing his voice isn’t going to change the very real problems you have.

Getting over a break-up takes time and a lot of resilience. It takes standing your ground. Too many people ignore the original problems they had and get back together after a short time of being apart.  News flash: Those problems aren’t going anywhere. They may take a back burner during the euphoria you’re both feeling after getting back together, but one day they will resurface.

Here are the things that we all need in order to really get over a break-up and to move on.

  1. A Harmless Vice. Truth be told, I was going to just put up alcohol here. Cause that is definitely what I need when going through something. But I need to remember that not everyone is a lush like me. Now when I say vice, I am not suggesting you all start smoking crystal meth. Don’t do that! But a bottle of wine, a tub of ice cream, binge watching an entire series on Netflix. All of these are excellent vices that can help get your mind off of the break-up for a few hours.
  2. Your Favorite Comedy. You know what’s great? Laughing! How can you not laugh watching a man in a wheelchair throw a wrench at people? That will instantly make you feel better.
  3. Crying. I love crying! Like seriously love it! I don’t understand people that say they never cry. It’s good for the soul. Whether you want to cry on the shoulder of your best friend or cry in the shower so no one can see, it doesn’t matter, as long as you do it. Cry your heart it. Your sad and should be sad. Crying is good.
  4. Anger. I fully condone breaking some shit when going through a break-up. Nothing too valuable; you’ll regret it. But there is something very satisfying about throwing something against a wall and watching it break.It’s even better if you can find something that belongs to your significant other to break. (And before anyone cries foul on this one: I’m suggesting you break a mug or something not step on his cat so it’s all good!)
  5. Friends. Family definitely fits under this category cause I don’t know about you but my sisters are two of the best friends I have. When going through a break-up, there can be a sense of feeling unlovable. Why didn’t he want me? Why won’t he fight for me? It’s good to surround ourselves with the people who still love us and care about us. So rent a movie and chill, go for coffee, go out dancing. Whatever you do, just make sure it’s with friends.
  6. Time. It’s like they say, “Time heals all wounds.” And while there are certain losses that we will never be able to get over, a break-up is something we can move past. It’s just going to take time. But trust me, with time, laughs and friends, you will get through it. Eventually you’ll wonder what you saw in him or her in the first place.