I wasn’t lying when I said you should be expecting this article. I always keep my promises. Unless those promises are made to myself. Since 2009 I’ve been trying to give up diet soda and junk food. I am guzzling a diet Pepsi and eating chocolate chip cookies while I write this post in 2014. I also made a promise to myself that when I started school again I would be on top of my shit. I would do all the readings. I wouldn’t wait until the night before to do an assignment. That promise ended the second I read through the syllabus of each class and saw all the readings/work I had ahead of me. I laughed and laughed and then went to sleep instead of reading, immediately breaking my promise.
I have convinced myself that I work better under pressure. I can’t possibly do an assignment weeks before it’s due. It wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t be giving the teacher my best work. I fully recognize that this is probably all bullshit and I would be preventing myself a lot of stress if I did work in a timely fashion, but I just can’t do it. It’s how I survived and graduated undergrad and it will be how I survive and graduate from grad school.
When I have a paper due, I tend to find a million and one other things to do instead of actually working on the paper. And it’s always the most ridiculous stuff. I legit have an excel sheet of every movie I’ve ever seen that I worked on when I had a paper due once. (Random Note: That excel sheet made me realize just how many ridiculous/cheesy movies I’ve watched in my life.) So if you have a paper due here a few things that just NEED to be done and then you can buckle down and start writing.
1. Stare at this gif until you fall asleep.
Actually, let this entire page lull you to sleep. When you wake up you’ll be refreshed and ready to write that paper. That’s it! You just need a little Tom Hiddleston and sleep.
2. Color coordinate your entire wardrobe.
What the hell is a red dress doing with a green top? It’s absurd and needs to be fixed immediately.
3. Alphabetize every single book and DVD you own.
Who can concentrate on a paper when Mean Girls is shelved BEFORE Home Alone?
4. Watch an entire TV show on Netflix.
Oh, Paul Rudd. You know so little.
Actually watch several TV shows on Netflix. From Gilmore Girls to Breaking Bad, there are too many great shows on Netflix to spend time doing a paper.
5. Drink some a lot of wine.
That’s exactly what your paper needs. The clarity that comes with a little a lot of alcohol.
6. Eat some food.
Your body needs nourishment so it can work. Preferably nourishment in the greasy/unhealthy department.
7. Exercise. HAHA, just kidding. Go to sleep.
Sure, you just slept after staring at Tom Hiddleston, but one can never sleep enough. Besides, the food and wine has made you tired.
8. Clean your apartment.
This is the one time when cleaning will actually seem favorable to your other options.
9. Rearrange your furniture.
Let’s hope your rearranging experience doesn’t involve someone shouting PIVOT!
You probably noticed after cleaning your entire place that the couch would look a lot better up against the wall. Better fix that now or you’ll never be able to concentrate on that paper.
10. Get lost on the internet.
You started off with the best of intentions. You went on the computer real fast just to check your Facebook. Maybe you were even planning to do some research for your paper. But one way or another you lost your way. Now you are stuck in that portal of hell known as “YouTube Related Videos.”
Now that you’ve successfully gone through all the internet has to offer and your apartment is organized from top to bottom, you’re ready to write that paper. It’s a good thing you got so much sleep cause you’ll have to pull an all-nighter to get it done in time. It’s OK. Just keep telling yourself this is the only way you can do your best work.
Am I Thirty Yet 