Things to Do When You Have a Paper Due

I don't procrastinate, I just do things later

I wasn’t lying when I said you should be expecting this article. I always keep my promises. Unless those promises are made to myself. Since 2009 I’ve been trying to give up diet soda and junk food. I am guzzling a diet Pepsi and eating chocolate chip cookies while I write this post in 2014. I also made a promise to myself that when I started school again I would be on top of my shit. I would do all the readings. I wouldn’t wait until the night before to do an assignment. That promise ended the second I read through the syllabus of each class and saw all the readings/work I had ahead of me. I laughed and laughed and then went to sleep instead of reading, immediately breaking my promise.

I have convinced myself that I work better under pressure. I can’t possibly do an assignment weeks before it’s due. It wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t be giving the teacher my best work. I fully recognize that this is probably all bullshit and I would be preventing myself a lot of stress if I did work in a timely fashion, but I just can’t do it. It’s how I survived and graduated undergrad and it will be how I survive and graduate from grad school.

When I have a paper due, I tend to find a million and one other things to do instead of actually working on the paper. And it’s always the most ridiculous stuff. I legit have an excel sheet of every movie I’ve ever seen that I worked on when I had a paper due once. (Random Note: That excel sheet made me realize just how many ridiculous/cheesy movies I’ve watched in my life.) So if you have a paper due here a few things that just NEED to be done and then you can buckle down and start writing.

1. Stare at this gif until you fall asleep.
Tom Hiddleston
Actually, let this entire page lull you to sleep. When you wake up you’ll be refreshed and ready to write that paper. That’s it! You just need a little Tom Hiddleston and sleep.

2. Color coordinate your entire wardrobe.
Clueless Closet Gif
What the hell is a red dress doing with a green top? It’s absurd and needs to be fixed immediately.

3. Alphabetize every single book and DVD you own.
Belle Book Shelving
Who can concentrate on a paper when Mean Girls is shelved BEFORE Home Alone?

4. Watch an entire TV show on Netflix.

Oh, Paul Rudd. You know so little.

Oh, Paul Rudd. You know so little.

Actually watch several TV shows on Netflix. From Gilmore Girls to Breaking Bad, there are too many great shows on Netflix to spend time doing a paper.

5. Drink some a lot of wine.
drinking wine
That’s exactly what your paper needs. The clarity that comes with a little a lot of alcohol.

6. Eat some food.
Elf Eating Junk Food
Your body needs nourishment so it can work. Preferably nourishment in the greasy/unhealthy department.

7. Exercise. HAHA, just kidding. Go to sleep.
ariel sleeping gif
Sure, you just slept after staring at Tom Hiddleston, but one can never sleep enough. Besides, the food and wine has made you tired.

8. Clean your apartment.
mrs. doubtfire cleaning gif
This is the one time when cleaning will actually seem favorable to your other options.

9. Rearrange your furniture.

Friends Pivot gif

Let’s hope your rearranging experience doesn’t involve someone shouting PIVOT!

You probably noticed after cleaning your entire place that the couch would look a lot better up against the wall. Better fix that now or you’ll never be able to concentrate on that paper.

10. Get lost on the internet.
Big Bang Theory I need Help
You started off with the best of intentions. You went on the computer real fast just to check your Facebook. Maybe you were even planning to do some research for your paper. But one way or another you lost your way. Now you are stuck in that portal of hell known as “YouTube Related Videos.”

Now that you’ve successfully gone through all the internet has to offer and your apartment is organized from top to bottom, you’re ready to write that paper. It’s a good thing you got so much sleep cause you’ll have to pull an all-nighter  to get it done in time. It’s OK. Just keep telling yourself this is the only way you can do your best work.


Returning to School After a Long Break

So despite all my bitching about school and student loans, I’ve returned to school this fall. I’m getting my master’s in Library and Information Science. It’s still not something that’s going to make me a ton of money but it’s something I’m going to enjoy doing. And in the end, I’ve decided that’s a lot more important.

I have not been in school since the fall of 2009. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to sit in a classroom and deal with homework. It’s been quite an adjustment. Here are just a few of the things I’ve had to deal with.

Seeing all the undergrads walking around campus.
new girl - there are youth everywhere
OK, I get these kids are young. But I’m only 28, they can’t be THAT much younger than me. Why do so many of them look like they could be in middle school? And don’t get me started on some of the underclassmen that gave me a cougar-like reaction.

Realizing that the price of textbooks hasn’t gone down a penny.
uncle jesse - full house - why am i not surprised
I’m taking four classes and each class requires two textbooks. There goes an entire month’s paycheck on books. No it’s cool, I didn’t need to eat or anything this month.

Giving up on eating solid meals. 
parks and recs - avoid salad
I don’t have a healthy diet on a regular schedule. Add 30-35 hours of work and four grad school classes and it’s chocolate and ice cream and whatever else I can easily stuff down my throat for the rest of the semester. I have lost 4 four pounds since class started so take that all you diet gurus!

Finding out that teachers still make you do oral presentations. 
friends - phoebe - stop tormenting me
My anxiety can’t handle this! Forcing a student to do a presentation in front of the whole class should be illegal. I am already having a panic attack over a presentation I need to do in December. Does anyone know where I can get my hands on some Klonopin? I’m gonna need it.

Getting your total bill for the semester.
It's always sunny - cash from my money tree
So my school makes you fill out the FAFSA form for financial aid. I fill it out and then call a week later to find out when it would be processed and when I could find out if I’ll get anything. I’m swiftly told that as a grad student I’m not eligible for any financial aid. It gets better. I am approved for student loans! Yay! But as a grad student the gov’t will not take care of any of the interest like they did while I was an undergrad. All that’s my responsibility. Lovely!

 Looking at the assignments on the class syllabus. 
pretty little liars - i want to enjoy my life again
Oh no, that’s cool. I actually wanted to live in the library from now until December. Thanks for making that dream a reality!

Realizing that you’ve voluntarily signed yourself up for two more years of schooling. 
britney spears - what the hell was i thinking
Oh God, what have I done?

Remembering that in the end it will all be worth it. 
Harry potter - you're gonna suffer but be happy

Am I Too Young To Be So Bitter?

the internship owen wilson

A few weeks ago I went to my friend’s graduation. I’m one of those people who tends to cry at everything. I can’t even watch 95% of the commercials they air these days without a box of tissues on hand. So I warned my friend that I’m probably going to tear up at some point during the ceremony. Graduations can be an emotional thing and I just knew one of those speeches was going to get to me.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Sadness was the last thing on my mind. If I was going to tear up, it would have been from laughing so hard. I laughed at most of the speeches. It was either I laugh or scream with rage. Anger. That’s the emotion I felt the most during the graduation ceremony.

I graduated from college over four years ago. I owe a ton of money from student loans that I haven’t made a dent in. I am incredibly underemployed. It turns out I am way too cynical and jaded to buy into what many of the graduation speakers were saying. If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes, I’d probably be able to actually make some sort of dent in my student loans.

Every speaker spoke as though armed with a college degree, the graduates were now set for life. The world is a land of opportunity and nothing will get in their way now that they have a bachelor’s. I really wonder if the speakers believed the nonsense they were spewing or if they just decided to say what people wanted to hear.

A few of the speakers were alumni from the college. They graduated 30-40 years prior. Many of them spoke about the struggle they faced paying for tuition. How they had to work a minimum wage job in order to pay for rent and tuition. Forgive me, but I just couldn’t find myself sympathizing with their struggle. A minimum wage job allowed you to pay for rent and tuition in New York City and that’s supposed to make me relate? Today working a minimum wage job will get you on welfare and food stamps. It’s definitely not going to pay for schooling and a roof over your head.

It got me thinking about what a realistic graduation speech would sound like. It definitely wouldn’t be as cheerful and optimistic as they normally are. It would look a little more like this.

college graduate

First of all, I would like to say congratulations fellow graduates! You did it! It doesn’t matter if you breezed through your classes and pulled all-nighters to get that paper in last minute. You earned your degree. Not everyone in this world has the opportunity to go to college so in that respect, consider yourselves lucky. 

Now you get to enter the real world. So remember right before when I said consider yourselves lucky? Forget that. The real world is a scary place. You will wish time and time again that you were back in college. You did not realize how great you’ve had it these past four years. College was your security blanket. You were able to slack off, get drunk every other day, lay in bed until 3. You were in college, you had an excuse. You do that now and people will just think you’re a degenerate.

You also didn’t have to stress about working. Maybe you worked part-time waiting tables or bagging groceries. It was really just for some spending money and to keep yourself busy. Now work will consume you. It will be all you think about. If you’re lucky enough to land a job right out of college, you’ll be too tired to do anything else. Working 9-5 is bad enough but you’ll be putting in a lot more than just eight hours. Don’t have a job? My prayers and thoughts are with you. 

You will quickly realize that 9 out of 10 times your application is never even seen. There are hundreds of other people applying for the same job as you. It’s easy for your resume to get lost in the shuffle. If you do score an interview, they’ll expect at least two interviews of you and you’ll probably be expected to do an assignment for them. I bet you thought you were done writing essays?! If and when you do get a job offer, you’re going to realize just how little 30k really is. After paying rent, student loans, cell phone bill, you’ll barely have enough money to eat. Free will become your favorite word. Free food. Free drinks. 

I predict that 95% of you sitting here today will contemplate going back to school. Your reasoning behind this will be you have nothing else going on. Since going to college and getting an undergrad degree isn’t a rarity anymore, you’ll need something extra to stand out from the crowd. Simply having a bachelor’s isn’t enough. A Master’s is where it’s at. More student loans. Be afraid, be very afraid. I’m sure by the time your kids are grown up they’ll need to at least get a PhD in order to stand out. 

Look, I still think you’ve made the right decision by getting your degree. Unless you’re good with your hands and could have been a plumber or electrician or had the next big idea for an app or social networking site, having that degree is better than having no degree. It just won’t feel like it sometimes. You will struggle and feel lost. It’s an uphill battle, and some of hills will be higher than others. But don’t give up. Because while CEOs and big companies are starting to take everything, I still believe that perseverance and hard work will eventually win out. It just may take a little longer than you thought. 

And in the meantime seriously take advantage of that free thing. If someone invites you somewhere and this somewhere has free food and/or drinks, always RSVP “Yes”.