Dieting

All the Diets I’ve Tried This Year

Like anyone living in a world with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and Photoshop, I am not happy with my body. Yes, I recognize that there are a lot of unrealistic images out there. However, I also see very real people walking the streets rocking jeans and a crop top without a muffin top. (Muffin Tops: great to put in your body but not to have on your body.)

Every year the scale creeps up just a little higher than it was the previous year. And every year I come up with new ways to prevent those numbers from going up. Because I am incapable of doing anything in moderation, I normally concoct the most outlandish diets.

Spoiler Alert: They never work! Here are some of the diets I’ve tried this year to get rid my ever-increasing muffin top.

The “Eat as much as I can on Sunday” Diet – This is my favorite diet because it’s just a precursor to every other diet. Sometime during the week I’ll come up with a whole new plan on how I’m going to get skinny. This time it will be different and I’ll really stick to the diet. But before I start the diet of boring, unfulfilling green shit, I have to treat myself, right? That’s where this diet comes in. The weekend rolls around and I will divulge in all the fattening food I won’t be able to eat once my diet starts.

The “1200 calories a day” Diet – I’ll download the MyFitnessPal app and start recording every single bite I take. This works great for all of breakfast and part of lunch until I realize that every single thing has calories. Why do I have to include the butter I put on my bread? Why the hell does mayonnaise have so many calories? It’s only purpose is to make sure my God damn sandwich isn’t dry!

The “Clean eating” Diet – I can eat unlimited amounts of chicken, veggies, fruit, and sweet potatoes? I love all those things. This should be a piece of cake! And it was. Until I realized that cake was NOT on the clean eating menu.

The “Eat just half of everything” Diet – This diet actually worked for me once. Four years ago. When I was younger and had a much faster metabolism. I also had a lot more self control. I lost about 7 pounds in this diet once. Not this year when I tried it. It turns out that eating half a slice of pizza is impossible.

The “I’m too poor to be this fat” Diet – This diet usually comes not from looking at the scale but from looking at my bank account. When I notice that 95% of my money goes to food, it’s time to go on a money diet.

The “Life is too short to be on a diet” Diet – I have to say, this diet really worked for me this year. It was the only diet I was able to stick to for more than a day. I think I may continue this diet in 2017 because life is too short not to eat the cupcake.

Ten Times Calories Don’t Count

 

keep the food coming gif

Sorry I have been away for awhile, but I kind of knew that was going to happen. I am currently trying to put together my thesis and it’s slowly killing me. I am 23 pages in and not even close to done. Naturally, all of this stress has been making me eat, A LOT! Who has time to count calories when you’re stressed out? No one! I need this food in my life to keep myself sane when I’m up all night trying to find enough words to fit that ten-page minimum each chapter requires!

Food is my favorite thing in the world. If you want to instantly make me unhappy, force me to diet. Eating salads is depressing. I need carbs in my life in order to be happy. If a genie ever came to me with one wish, that wish would be that I could eat whatever I want without getting fat. Forget the perfect man, a mansion, student loans paid off. The ultimate dream is to eat whatever you want and still be able to fit in your clothes.

But sadly, life doesn’t work that way. You are more than welcome to eat a dozen donuts but just be prepared to pack on a dozen pounds as well. You can’t have it all; all the food and the nice body. But I am here with some good news for everyone. There are those times when calories do not count and you are welcome to eat as many cupcakes and french fries as your heart desires.

Elf eating gif

Here are the ten times you don’t have to worry about counting calories.

  1. Holidays. This is an obvious one. Calories never count on holidays and yes, this does include Flag Day.
  2. Your birthday. This is technically just another holiday anyway. You’re celebrating the day you entered this world. Calories are not a thing to worry about.
  3. Chips and salsa or bread and butter at a restaurant before your meal comes. Going out to eat can be frustrating. Getting yourself and everyone together to leave, then driving to the restaurant, then waiting to be seated, then waiting for everyone to order, then waiting for your meal to finally come. It’s a process. And it feels even longer when you’re starving. So feel free to indulge in some bread and butter. It won’t hurt!
  4. When you made the food. Making food is a job. No job should come with the punishment of extra inches to your waistline. If you make the food, you can eat it guilt free.
  5. Samples. You wanna be able to eat a great lunch but not gain any weight? Go to Costco during your lunch break! Samples for days!
  6. When you’re really upset. You’re already upset. There is no need for you to have to worry about calories or scales when you’re upset. Eat that tub of ice cream. Everything will be OK!
  7. When you’re just trying someone else’s food. So you ordered the salad cause you wanted to be healthy but your friend ordered the mac and cheese with extra cheese and bacon. Bet your greens with dressing on the side seem pretty depressing at the moment, huh? Have no fear. Take a bite or two or ten of your friend’s mac and cheese. Those calories don’t add up!
  8. When you’re really happy. Yay, you just got engaged! Yay, you just got that new job! Yay, after weeks of binge watching you’re all caught up with The Walking Dead! Whatever you’re celebrating, it should involve food. And no one celebrates a big event with an apple (unless it’s smothered in caramel and nuts!). Celebrate with that cupcake and worry about calories later.
  9. When your day was just TOO long. After a long day of work and then having to come home to attempt to write some pages of my thesis, the last thing on my mind is what healthy dinner I’m going to eat. I want something fattening and delicious so I can get some ounce of joy in this God forsaken day!
  10. When you’re eating your favorite food. If your favorite food is kale, then congratulations you have a healthy palate. But for most of us normal folk, our favorite food leans more towards the carby or sweet variety. So isn’t it great that calories don’t count when you eat your favorite food? So eat all the bacon you want without the fear of packing on the pounds!

*Please note that I am not actually a physician and none of these statements have been approved by an actual doctor. If you do get fat from eating all the samples at Costco, I cannot be held responsible.