Entertainment

Don’t Show Chris Hansen My Search History

chris-hansen

You guys! I finished it! Well almost finished it! I handed in the first draft of my thesis to my Professor! All 50+ pages! (Yea, I’m being a bit excessive with the exclamation points! Deal with it!!!) I just got her comments back. A few minor changes need to be made and then it’s completed! It’s the final step I need to take before I am officially done with school!

Writing my thesis has been an experience. It probably would have been easier if I wasn’t such a procrastinator. But I wait till the last minute; it’s in my nature. My thesis was on ways the library can promote literacy in young boys. So naturally my search history has been interesting. Lots of searches dealing with young boys. Taken out of context it could look very suspicious. But I swear Chris Hansen, I just want to get boys reading more!

I’ve gotten really creative these past couple of months coming up with everything but my thesis to do. I started a list on IMDB of every movie I’ve ever seen and realized that I watch a lot of ridiculous movies. (Why have I watched Cruel Intentions 2?) I also spent a lot of time going through my stats on this site, particularly the search terms.

It made me realize that a lot of people have come to my blog looking for something and I don’t think they’ve found the answers yet. I’m sure some were satisfied. Like the person looking for “how to get over an almost relationship” and the one wanting to find out about “growing up in Brooklyn.” I hope you random Internet searchers found what you’re looking for on my blog.

However, plenty of people wound up on my blog and I’m sure left with no answer. That is until now! I’m here to help all those people who came to my blog looking for answers that were nowhere to be found.

let me help you with that new girl

Search: how to get women back i said the f word to

Answer: I am going to assume that by f word you mean fuck. If you have a woman who was offended by the word food or football, you’re better off. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life. So you fucked up and used the f word in front of your lady friend. It happens to the best of us. My big issue is that you’re asking women instead of just one woman. Maybe focus on getting one lady back at a time. Oh, and probably lay off the f bombs when talking to your women.

Search: should i check to see if the lesbian i am dating is still online

Answer: I know you’re not supposed to assume (even though my dumb ass did it one paragraph earlier) but I am going to make an assumption here. I am guessing that you met a lady online and now that you two are dating, you want to see if she’s still on the online dating site. Pretty rational question and I think most of us who have dabbled in the online dating world can relate. I know for myself the temptation is too strong not to look. I make no secret that I am a creepy Internet stalker. You can look but I think there are a few things you need to consider before you react. If you guys JUST started dating (I’m talking less than 5 dates), then you can’t really get that mad about her profile still being up. If you have taken yours down and would like her to take hers down as well, then this could be an opportunity to have a talk with her about where things are going. If you guys already had a talk and agreed to delete the online dating site and you still find her profile up, then that’s a problem. You need to sit your lady down and have a chat cause that ain’t cool. Good luck! Online stalking is always scary cause you never know what you’re going to find.

Search: meaning netflix and chill

Answer: Netflix and chill means to throw on some sweatpants, pour a giant glass of wine, order a pizza, and watch 10 straight hours of your favorite TV show. That is the true meaning of Netflix and chill. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You know the people who love to shout “I’m Keeping Christ in Christmas. Who’s With Me?” Well, I’m like that when it comes to Netflix and chill. I’m keeping the pants in Netflix and chill, who’s with me?

Search: do you think i procrastinate

Answer: You’re searching the Internet asking if you procrastinate instead of doing something productive with your time. I am going to have to go with a “Yes” on this one. But it’s all cool. I should be editing my thesis but instead I’m answering people who made random searches and will probably never wind up on my blog again.

Search: why do women take revealing photos

Answer: Cause they are in a long distance relationship and want to spice things up with their significant other. Cause they think they’re really hot. Cause they just want to. The possibilities are endless.

Search: am i old by 22

Answer: Fuck you! Sorry, I’m just kidding. Sort of. But seriously, are you really asking if you’re old at 22??!!?? Trust me! You are not old at 22. There is nothing about a 22-year-old that’s actually old.

Multiple Searches: zac efron penis; zac efron dick; zac efron cock; penis zac efron; zach ephron penis; efron penis; zac efron delicious penis; zac efron’s penis

Answer: Sorry, but I do not have the answer to what you’re looking for. But I do have some questions of my own. Why are so many people interested in finding Zac Efron’s penis? What is it about my blog that leads you here for your search for his penis? Have any of you come across his penis yet? If so, what’s he packing? (I’m a pervert and wouldn’t mind knowing these things.)

This Is the Funniest Comment Section I’ve Ever Come Across

get off my lawnI spent one of my last posts bitching about how horrendous the comments section on any online article can be. I still stand by that fact but I also will admit to constantly reading the comments on an article. I can’t help it. I want to look away, I know it’s going to be horrible and make me lose faith in humanity, but I feel myself getting sucked into it. I imagine this is how most viewers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians feel.

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed and the comments are a gold mine. Instead of making me cry, I was laughing hysterically. In case you weren’t convinced that people will get offended from everything these days, this comment section will prove that. The article just lists 33 facts about the class of 2019 that will make us folks in our twenties and thirties feel old. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, it was a hilarious shit show in the comments section as children came out of the woodworks to comment about their superiority because they in fact do know what a flip phone is! Sure you know what a flip phone is but do you know what I mean when I say Zach Morris phone?

Zack morris phone

The article mostly listed the way things were when the class of 2019 was born. TV shows that came out, music that was popular, etc. Apparently that’s a SUPER offensive thing to do. How dare you tell a 13-year-old that they never had to deal with dial up? At first when I was reading the article, it made me feel super old. Seeing all these things from my childhood was too much nostalgia. Then when I read the comments, I remembered how dumb you are when you’re a teenager and I no longer felt so badly about being old. It’s the equivalent of me reading an article about how someone my age will never understand the hysteria of Beatlemania and then getting angry because I know so many Beatles’ songs. Knowing about something is not the same as living it.

Since I’m not much into cyber bullying, I’ll leave out the commenters names but here are some of the gems found in the comments section:

December 2001 for me. These things were my childhood, if that makes sense. I’d say maybe 30 out of 33 of these things are something that I do remember.
First off, you were born in December 2001. You are 13-years-old; you’re still in your childhood. Do we not teach the concept of memory in school anymore? You do not remember most of these things, you know about them. Britney Spears performed “I’m Slave for You” with a snake before you were even born! You do not REMEMBER the greatest pop culture couple: Britney and Justin. You only know about them through bittersweet pictures. And if you actually remember using MySpace then I want to ask your parents why they allowed their 4-year-old to create a social media account.
i was born in 2000 and i also find some of these things a bit inaccurate. My first phone was a Sony Ericsson feature phone.
Child, you need to take several seats. I got my first phone when I was about 15-16. You are 15 and reminiscing about what your FIRST phone was.
its not commentary between the diffrences between our generations because they are not vaild facts so therefore not valid diffrences and in 10 to 20 years i wont be in yall sad postion because i will be out flying on my hover jet talking to siri 17.0 that was installed in my brain
I also hope that 10-20 years from now you learn about punctuation and spelling.

buzzfeed- your future audience will be our generation so it’s time to stop picking on us and making “90’s Kids Will Remember” posts because we get the gist and every article is pretty much the same. i’m sick of these types of posts lol.

“We are not entitled brats with no sense of humor but if you do not start making every post about us, we will become incredibly offended and stop reading your stuff!” I don’t think logic starts developing in a person until they are at least 20.

I’m here to tell you that, no matter how old you feel, if you were a 90s kid, you’re not old. LOL For those of us who were born in the 60s, grew up in the 70s, partied like crazy in the 80s, and became professional adults in the 90s, your angst over feeling old makes us want to pat your head and smile, then shuffle off with our walkers chuckling to ourselves.
This was my favorite one because it put both the 90s and the 00s kids in their places for being the obnoxious brats that we are!
young people don't know anything

The Internet is a Strange Place

That's just weird - jeremy renner

I was in California last week. It was really nice to get away but I am glad to be back home. I missed the East Coast. I can bitch and moan about New York all I want, but anytime I leave, I can’t wait to get back. The only thing that makes me sad about coming back is that it signifies the beginning of the end of my summer break. My summer Fridays are officially over and I go back to school this Thursday! I can’t believe it’s already almost time for school again. I’m excited to start my final semester but also a little nervous. I wish I could get another week or two without the stress of school.

The return of school means that I’m going to be posting even less frequently than I do now. I know this is very sad news. Try not to cry too much. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of papers that I’ll need to procrastinate on. Writing a post will be the perfect distraction. But for now, before school really starts to kick my ass, I’m bringing you a new post. Yay! A new post where I talk about how confusing I find the Internet sometimes.

The Internet is a very confusing and weird place. Of course, it doesn’t confuse me as much as it did Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel back in 1994. I obviously know how the Internet works and what it’s for: Porn! But there are plenty of times I find myself shutting down the computer and saying, “That’s enough Internet for today.” Here are just a few things that have me scratching my head.

1. The comments section on any article ever written. If you want to lose your faith in humanity on a regular basis, just read the comments on any article. It doesn’t matter what the subject is. There could be an article about firemen saving babies and puppies from a burning building and commenters will somehow find a way to be despicable. The comments usually have to do with the gays pushing the gay agenda on innocent children or women being shameless whores. Want to know the quickest way to be told you should be raped and killed? Be a female (or pretend to be a female) and disagree with something in the comments section. It’s that easy.

2. The Humans of New York FB page. Remember what I just said about commenters on the Internet? Well, when you visit HONY, it’s the complete opposite.  Humans of New York is the single most beautiful area on all the Internet. If you aren’t familiar with HONY, you need to familiarize yourself immediately. The posts and the comments from readers is reason enough to keep your FB account active. You will laugh, you will cry, you will have your faith in humanity restored.

3. Benedict Cumberbatch. We all know that I’m in love with the Internet’s number one boyfriend. But there’s another geeky, tall British lad that everyone seems to be in love with and I just do not get it. Sorry, but I just do not get the obsession with Benedict Cumberbatch. Sure he’s a good actor and makes a great Sherlock but is he hot? I’m gonna have to pass. This is one thing about the Internet that I’ll never understand.

4. Snapchat, Vine, and the newest social media app that probably came out earlier today. Things were much simpler when I was a teenager. It started with MySpace and then we gradually moved to Facebook. Not to get all back-in-my-day old lady on everyone, but these days a new social media app comes out every hour. Who can keep up with that? I have FB and Instagram, and that’s more than enough social media for me. How do teenagers have time for anything else when dealing with 500 different apps at once?

5. A person’s Internet personality. The persona some people take on while hiding behind a computer is very different from who they are in real life. And yes, this does have a lot to do with commenters. People say a lot of shitty things to strangers on the Internet that they would never have the balls to say in real life. But this also pertains to people on social media. You know what I’m talking about. You ever have someone you know in real life and actually like them but then see their posts on FB or Instagram and immediately want to punch a whole in a wall or their face? Social media can really bring out the worst in people. Even people you would normally like.

6. YouTube stars. So E! Online caused a shit storm the other day for having the audacity to question whether some of the celebrities at the Teen Choice Awards were actually celebrities. Naturally, people got angry because you cannot do anything these days without getting someone angry. E! Online was talking about the plethora of Vine and YouTube stars walking the red carpet. I’ve watched some Jenna Marbles videos before and she can be very funny, but I don’t think I could subscribe to several different accounts watching random people tell me about their day and show me how to put on make-up. I realize the irony of me saying that on my personal blog that I want people to read but I would never pretend that I’m a celebrity. Sorry, this is another thing about the Internet that I will never get.

7. Cats. And no I am not talking about the Broadway show. I’m talking about the devil’s children who will sneak into your baby’s room at night and steal its breathe (while this may or may not be true, let’s pretend it is cause it supports my case against cats). Now cats on the Internet are really cute. Like, really, really, really cute. What I want to know is, where are these cats in real life? Every cat I’ve ever come across either didn’t even look my way or looked at me and hissed like I murdered every member of its family. No amount of cute YouTube cat clips can convince me that they are better than dogs.

How to Act Like a Proper Female Sports Fan

how to act like a proper female sports fanThe Super Bowl is this weekend. A time to gather with friends, drink a lot of beer, eat three dozen wings, and watch some commercials….oh yea, there will be a football game thrown in the mix as well.

I’m kidding. I love sports. I haven’t been able to stay on top of my favorite teams as much as I normally do cause I’ve been so busy but I still love my sports. I grew up watching baseball (Go Yankees!) and football is definitely the most entertaining sport to watch (Go Giants!).

However, sometimes being a female sports fan can be difficult. Plenty of times you’ll find that you’re not taken seriously. So in honor of the Super Bowl I decided to give you ladies the 411 on how to act like a proper female sports fan. Follow these rules or else you may be mistaken for a fake fan who’s just watching the game to attract men. Because as we all know, a woman’s main goal in life is to attract men.

Don’t find any players attractive – It does not matter if you are a straight female who normally finds men appealing. You need to turn that off unless people start thinking you only watch for the eye candy. Because spending three hours watching a game you don’t like just to catch a glimpse of the hot wide receiver without his helmet on is perfectly normal behavior. So remember you must never find a player cute. You don’t want the guy ogling the cheerleader to think you’re a fake fan.

Memorize all the stats and the entire history of your favorite team – How else are you going to prove that you’re a real fan? What do you mean you don’t know the batting average of the team’s backup catcher from 1959? What kind of fan are you? You better have all the trivia stored in your brain when you’re inevitably quizzed anytime you claim to be a fan.

Never wear a jersey unless it’s your team’s colors – “The team’s colors are blue and white you pink hat wearing fake fan,”shouts the guy in a green jersey with his name on the back. Anything pink or with sequins is off limits. You are not allowed to wear them. Which is ironic because anything available for girls is pink and slathered in sequins. Get ready to shop in the boys section if you want to wear the team’s actual colors without any glitter.

You better have come out of the womb liking your favorite team – No one wants to hear that you started liking the team because your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend did! It doesn’t matter that you have been broken up for the past eight years but you still follow the Raiders religiously. Still not a real fan. You better have a detailed back story explaining why you root for your favorite team and that story better not include the word boyfriend in it.

Be prepared to reject all “girly things” ever again – You’re a cool chick now. And being the cool chick means you have to forgo any and all “girly things,” like watching The Bachelorette or eating salads. It’s just chicken wings and sports from now on. But please keep in mind that while you should act like a girl who hates salads and only eats chicken wings and nachos, you must look like a girl who hates chicken wings and nachos and only eats salads. Got that!

Parents, Please Keep Banning Books

Doctor who - books best weapons in the world

If you ask me, books are the greatest invention in the world! I can’t think of a better way to unwind from a long day than curling up with a good book. When people tell me they don’t like reading, I’m genuinely confused. That’s like saying you don’t like food. Sure, you may not like certain foods, but you taste things here and there to see what you like and don’t like. I mean if you can dream it, it’s probably been written about. Every topic, every theme, every character, every subject. The varieties of books are endless! If you don’t like reading, you just haven’t found something you like yet.

Now taking into account how much I love books and reading, I bet you can imagine how I feel about banning books. Spoiler: I think it’s ridiculous. I just do not understand it. So you don’t like the content in a book. It makes you uncomfortable. You know what you do? Don’t read it! Don’t buy the book!

And it’s always parents trying to ban books because the topic is “taboo”. I don’t want to be judgmental but I know exactly what type of people these parents are. They are the same family who give out floss and toothbrushes on Halloween. Translation: They are fun suckers. They suck all the fun out of life.

“If my children read about S-E-X (said in a hissy whisper) and drug use, they’ll drop out of school, become prostitutes, and never make anything of their lives!” Cause naturally that’s how these things work. Those bookworms; degenerates of society. But here’s a question: Are you just too lazy to discuss things like sex and drugs and mental illness to your children? These are serious real world issues and almost everyone will deal with at least one, if not all, in their lifetime. Do you think by banning a book that has the gall to talk about masturbation you will somehow guard your child? “If they don’t read it, they’ll never know what it is!”

And I realize these are all rhetorical questions. I doubt anyone reading this is the type to ban books. If you are a book banner, we can’t be friends. Sorry, but I already don’t like you.

However, after all that rambling and bitching about people who ban books, I have to say I somewhat support it. Parents, keep banning books. Do you know what you’re doing when you challenge a book and proclaim that young kids shouldn’t be reading it? You’re making it enticing. Explicitly tell a young person they can’t do something and they’ll want to do that exact thing you said they shouldn’t do. So ban more books so people will have more books they have to read, even if it’s just to piss off their parents.The best way to ensure a teenager will do something is by forbidding them to do it.

In honor of Banned Books Week and because I’m a rebel without a cause, here are some of my favorite books that are challenged often in America.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner – You have a very serious subject (the death of a mother) and you try to throw in some humor? For shame!

Forever by Judy Blume – The main characters do “it”. And they are only teenagers! Again, for shame!

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood – Woah, woah, woah. A society that oppresses women and strips them of all their rights? Where did Margaret Atwood come up with such a far-fetched idea?

Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling – Witchcraft! Have you ever seen the documentary Jesus Camp? When it’s declared that Harry Potter should be burned at the stake, I didn’t know whether I should be laughing hysterically or be completely terrified?

1984 by George Orwell – A book about a future where people are watched and controlled every second. Can’t have that! Let’s control the masses and make sure they don’t ever read this book. Makes sense.

So, you little rebel readers*, what’s your favorite frequently banned book?

*From here on out Rebel Readers will be the unofficial name for all those who read my blog!

If You Don’t Want Nude Photos Leaked, Don’t Take Nude Photos

Gillian Anderson - Media turns women into virgins or whores

If you don’t want your nude photos shown all over the internet, don’t take nude photos. If you don’t want to get raped, don’t wear revealing clothing. If you don’t want your identity stolen, don’t use credit cards. If you don’t want to get robbed, don’t buy things. If you don’t want to get electrocuted, don’t have any electronics. If you don’t want to get punched in the face, don’t have a face.

Enough! Enough with victim blaming, no matter the crime. If your first response to the photo leak was to shout that people shouldn’t take naked photos, just stop! If your first response was to proclaim how you never have and never will take nude photos, congratulations! Would you and your high horse like a cookie?

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe this is a concept that some people can’t understand but where I come from, when a crime is committed the person to blame is the criminal who committed said crime.

But sadly we leave in a society where that’s not always the case, especially when the crime is of a sexual nature. People will bend over backwards to find reasons the victims brought it upon themselves.

In this case, these reasons are as follows: Those celebrities shouldn’t have taken the photos in the first place. They should have covered their faces. They were stupid for saving the photos on iCloud.

Now don’t get me wrong, that is some solid advice. This is a reminder for everyone that it is harder and harder to keep things private these days. This became big news because of the people it happened to but even us common folk get our private photos/videos leaked on the Internet. However, if your first and only response is one of those reasons and not that this is a gross violation of privacy and the person who hacked the photos is to blame, then you are part of the problem.

That should be the biggest and only problem about this photo leak: Privacy! The content of the photos should be a non-issue here. It’s just boobs, but to some people that seems to be the biggest problem. Because don’t forget ladies, the second you decide to take control of your own sexuality, you’re not doing what society expects of you. Your sexuality is a prop and commodity for others to do what they please with. You break away from that mold and expect to be condemned.

I am sick and tired of people being blamed when a crime is committed against them. Let’s stop with the victim shaming once and for all. The only person who should be blamed when a crime is committed is the criminal.

(Sorry that this post is kind of all over the place. I started school on Thursday so I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep. And I have to go to the dentist today so I have been extra cranky. I promise something upbeat for my next post!)

Why Are We All Getting Up In Arms Over the Ice Bucket Challenge

stop whining downton abbey

So I’ve already let you guys know that I don’t think too highly of Facebook. The past week Facebook has been even more annoying than usual and it’s all because of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. And no, it’s not the videos of my friends getting drenched with ice water that’s irritating. Those are usually entertaining. The thing I have a problem with is the people constantly complaining about the latest social media trend.

The premise for the Ice Bucket Challenge is pretty simple. I’m sure most of you are familiar but here’s a crash course for those who do not know about it yet. Once you are nominated, you have 24 hours to post a video of yourself being doused with ice water or you have to donate $100 to the ALS Association. If you decide to make a video, you still donate an amount of your choice and nominate three of your friends to do the challenge.

Seems like a fun gimmick that raises a ton of money for a good cause, right? Who in their right mind would have a problem with this? Well seems like a ton of people, who must be REALLY fun at parties, have a lot of animosity towards this challenge. I’ve seen a slew of people on my FB feed complaining about the abundance of videos, claiming that the posters are just looking for attention.

And a part of that is true. I bet a bunch of people are looking for a chance to get nominated so they can post a hilarious video of themselves getting covered with freezing cold water! Everything we put on social media is to get attention. But when it’s raising money for a horrible disease, why are we complaining? I’d rather see 100 Ice Bucket Challenge videos on my newsfeed than the usual selfies or “OMG I hate Mondays!” posts.

The bottom line is that this trend is raising money and the videos are helping. Last year from July 29 to August 19, the ALS Association raised $1.9 million. The same period this year? They have raised $22.9 million. People aren’t making these videos in an attempt to get out of donating. (Unless they are really shitty people. In that case, they should just get a bucket thrown at their head.) And the videos are a way to pass along the information and get more participants and donations.

Let’s stop shitting on people who want to have a little fun while donating to a good cause.

And one more thing, because I haven’t posted in awhile and I’m feeling generous, here’s Tom Hiddleston doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

tom hiddleston ice bucket

Any trend that gives me this photo is OK in my book.

If the Author of 50 Shades of Grey* Was Honest in Her Writing

The office - I don't get it. I just don't get it

This is me during the whole 50 Shades hysteria.

So I finally watched the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. It was more out of curiosity than anything else. There is much I can say about the trailer but I am not going to get into it here. Sure the girl playing Ana looks like she’s about 35 and Christian Grey could have been so good-looking if they just slapped some friggen facial hair on him. What I found interesting was that it looked like a trailer for a horror/thriller film. Christian Grey looked like a psychopath getting ready to murder his next victim. I hope this means the movies will be portraying Christian for what he really is: an obsessive, stalker, sociopath.

I remember expressing my disdain for this book and someone had the audacity to say to me, “I think you need to experience more to enjoy this book.” At the time, I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I came up with the perfect response in my head later that night: I think you need to read more to realize that these books are crap. What was this guy trying to imply anyway? Because I’ve never been locked up in a room and had anal beads shoved up my ass, I couldn’t possibly understand the complex story the author was trying to tell? Lolita is one of my favorite books of all time but this 50 Shades of Shit novel is just too taboo for me! That seems about right.

There are some real problems that can be discussed at length about this book. The way that women idolize Christian Grey is a big one when his only redeeming qualities are that he’s rich and good-looking. And the rich thing is a bit iffy. If you came across Donald Trump and he acted as psychotic as Christian Grey, even the most shameless of gold diggers would probably be like, “I don’t care how many diamond encrusted dildos this guy wants to buy me. He’s insane, I’m out.”

As someone who loves books more than anything in the world, what bothers me the most about 50 Shades of Grey is the writing. Holy guacamole is it bad! I have a serious problem with fanfiction becoming published work. (It’s the same reason I think City of Bones is a joke of a book.) Now, this isn’t knocking all fanfiction and those who write it. And it isn’t saying that just because someone writes fanfiction they don’t have the talent to become a published author. I just don’t think that people should be making money off of stories where the themes and characters were taken from someone else’s work. That’s right, people. Your beloved novel is basically Twilight 2.0. You all are going crazy over the human version of Bella and Edward banging.

Still undecided about whether or not you should read this book? The short answer is, “you shouldn’t.” But if you don’t want to take the advice from a random stranger (even though you should cause I really know what I’m talking about), I’m gonna sum up what the book is about in just a few short paragraphs and save you the trouble.

Christina Grey at Work
Look at me. I’m so important. I own an entire empire at such a young age. How you ask? I have no idea seeing as I barely do any work. Excuse me for a second, I need to go send an email. Haha, my hot secretary probably thinks I’m doing very important work right now. I’m really just emailing my girlfriend telling her how I want to tie her up and smack her around when I get home. *checks watch* Well, I’ve been here a whole five minutes. That’s enough work for the CEO for one week. Gotta go now and spank my girlfriend for a few hours.

Ana and Orgasms
I have a magical vagina. Oh excuse me, I mean down there area. You’ll never actually hear me call my down there area by its proper name. Now back to this magical “down there area” I have. Christian spanks me and I cum. He says my name and I cum. He looks at me and I cum. If I go into the bathroom after he’s taken a shit and smell it, I cum.

Ana and her Self-Esteem
I’m so plain-looking. My best guy friend is basically in love with me. I wish I could be beautiful like my roommate. Ya know that guy I keep comparing to a Greek God? He’s totally in love with me. Wah, why am I not pretty? Oh, male boss. Naturally he’s obsessed with me and wants me. So let’s see: I am completely average looking and have no discernible personality, yet everyone I come across that has a penis is instantly in love with me. Seems legit!

Christian and his Stalker Tendencies
That girl I just met. I like her. She pleases me. I shall have her. Time to call a private detective to tell me everything there is to know about her. Haha, silly girl doesn’t want to work for me and wants to get a job on her own in a different company. I don’t think so. I’m gonna just go buy that company now since I’m the richest person in the world and can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I cannot believe this girl thinks she can have a life on her own. Doesn’t she know who I am? I own her now.

Ana and her Inner Goddess and Subconscious
I bet you thought my boyfriend was the crazy one? Ha, think again! I clearly suffer from some multiple personality disorder. But it’s so cute. Look at my Inner Goddess! She’s doing a salsa dance in the corner cause Christian just fisted me at the dinner table. My subconscious wasn’t too happy. She was weeping over a Jane Austen novel trying to ignore the hand in her ass.

So that’s it people. That’s the entire novel. You’re welcome. For those of you still interested in seeing the movie, I’d like to tell you about this little thing we call porn. You should check it out. You’ll find better story lines and most likely better acting.

*To stop myself from being overly obnoxious, I refrained from calling the book and movie 50 Shades of Shit the whole post. It was difficult but I did it!

I Like You Unironically

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When I was in high school, I had this one teacher who played this ice breaker game the first day of class. He had the whole class stand up, he would announce a fact, then you would sit down if you didn’t agree with it and remain standing if you did agree with it. It was a fun way to find out the little things you had in common with your fellow classmates. One of the facts he said was “I love Britney Spears’ music.” I looked around and noticed that everyone started sitting down. I waited a beat before sitting down myself. If I hadn’t sat down, I would have been the only one standing. The thing is, I loved Britney then. I still do! However, I did not want to be the only one standing. I was too embarrassed to be the only one standing.

That was back in high school when a person’s insecurities are at an all-time high. Like most teenagers all I really craved was to fit in. However, I have noticed that a lot of people still do this now. We may admit the things that we like but we tend to always have an excuse. We call them our guilty pleasures, openly admitting that we are somewhat embarrassed to like a certain TV show or a book.

My favorite is people who say they like something ironically. I have no idea what that even means. I’m being serious about this. If someone knows what it means to like something ironically or to wear something ironically, please fill me. I for one am finally done liking things with an excuse. Here are some of the things I like unironically and with no guilt involved.

  • Taylor Swift – There is never not a good time to listen to some Taylor Swift. The only complaint I have is that I went to her concert a few years back and I was the oldest person there who wasn’t taking their child.
  • Superhero Movies – Hot guys and action scenes. What’s not to like?
  • Twilight – I’ve read all the books and I’ve seen all the movies. I actually don’t think any of them are that great but I genuinely really like the first movie. I think people just brush it off because it’s Twilight but it’s actually pretty good.
  • Nicholas Sparks – I don’t really read romance novels, they are not my thing. But I have read pretty much all of Nicholas Sparks’ books and I always have to go see his movies. The big part of the allure of his movies is definitely the casting. Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, Josh Duhamel, Channing Tatum. Need I say more?
  • Doctor Who – You should feel guilty if you don’t like Doctor Who. This show is awesome!
  • Flip Flops – The second the weather goes over 75 consistently I live in flip flops. On the train, in the park, at work. Everywhere. I do not care!
  • Tumblr – I’m about 8-10 years older than the average user but it doesn’t stop me. That site is highly addictive.
  • Gossip Girl – I know this show isn’t on anymore and the last season was crap but this was hands down my favorite show for the longest time. It was by far one of the most visually appealing shows I’ve ever watched. It showed the pretty side of New York. (I live here. Trust me, it’s not that nice.) Everyone was so good looking. And the clothes were amazing!
  • Diet Soda – OK, this is something I actually should feel bad about since it’s so bad for you. But whatever. I figure as far as vices go, I could do a lot worse.

Are Stars Getting Younger or Am I Just Old?

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A gif from Cougar Town is fitting for this post.

Your twenties will be the first time you start to feel old. Realistically it’s not anywhere close to old but it is the first time you will start to realize there are a lot of people younger than you. I remember turning 22 and thinking, “That’s it. I’m officially old.” I was so young and naive. Now at 28, I really am officially old. (I am completely aware that 35-year-old me is going to look back and think that 28-year-old me was so young and naive.) I’m at that stage where I get excited if someone cards me. On more than one occasion I’ve been at a bar where I was the oldest person there. And yes, that was the last time I ever set foot in said bar. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that 1994 was 20 years ago! Twenty!

When you’re a kid, time goes by so slow. Summer break feels like a year instead of the 2 months it really is. The four years of high school feel like eight. But somewhere along the way time starts to speed up. I noticed this happening around the time I graduated from college at 23. (I just gave myself a mini panic attack from writing that. I graduated college FIVE years ago!) One year feels like it lasts only a month. It’s terrifying and I feel as though it’s only go to get worse as I get older!

Now, I understand that so far this post has succeeded in doing one of two things: If you are under 28, you are thinking, “Well at least I’m younger than this old hag so it isn’t so bad.” If you are over 28, you are thinking, “Bitch please! Stop complaining. Wait until you’re my age.” So I am going to stop rambling about how “old” I am and get to the point of this post. (I swear I really do have a point and you’re going to like it!) The point of all this: hot guys! When you’re younger it seems that all your celebrity crushes are years older than you. “Oh, you’re old enough to be my father? Then I’d like to climb you like a tree.” Well, I am not sure how this happened but I’ve started realizing that some of these celebrities that I think are cute are younger than me. And not just younger by a few months. These guys are younger than my little sister. When I watched the remake of Carrie and saw Ansel Elgort for the first time, I thought, “Thank the Lord that Chris Hansen does not know what I’m thinking right now.”

Sure there are tons of hotties in Hollywood that are older than me (I’m looking at you Tom Hiddleston) but they really are starting to get younger and younger. Here are some celebrities that have made me feel just a little bit dirty for thinking they’re hot.

Ansel Elgort • 20-years-old
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So this guy inspired me to write this post. I remember watching Carrie and thinking, “Oh man, this kid is so cute.” Then I remember looking him up on IMDB and wanting to throw up on myself. He was born in 1994! He just turned 20-years-old! Age difference be damned, he is adorable! He’s going to be in The Fault in Our Stars this June so I get to be turned on while simultaneously crying my eyes out. It’s going to be awesome.

Dylan O’Brien • 22-years-old
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Yes I watch Teen Wolf on MTV and yes it is an awesome show! It’s funny, has a Buffy the Vampire Slayer vibe to it, and it’s filled with tons of hot, shirtless guys! Dylan O’Brien plays Stiles and he is by far the best part of the show. He’s the only one who genuinely knows how to act. He started off the show looking like this, but somewhere along the way he became a man. I am not sure when this happened or how it happened, I’m just glad that it did.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson • 23-years-old
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Looking at Aaron Taylor-Johnson doesn’t actually make me feel all that dirty because he looks older. But then I find out that he was born in the 90s and that icky feeling starts to set in. So be it! The dorky kid from Kick-Ass grew up and I like it! Fun fact: His wife is over 20 years older than him so there is hope for all of us! (Maybe that’s why I’m still single. I haven’t met my man yet because he’s still in preschool.)

Liam Hemsworth • 24-years-old
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While I’m partial to Chris Hemsworth (See I’m not that creepy. I think the older brother is cuter.), there is no denying that Liam Hemsworth is hot. Liam is best known for his role in the Hunger Games films but hasn’t had much to do in those films yet. He’ll be seeing a lot more screen time in the last two installments and I for one am happy about that! (I was just trying to be polite and professional (HA!) there. He’s really best known as Miley’s ex.)

Zac Efron
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I didn’t even bother putting Zac Efron’s age because he’s actually not that young. He was born only a year before I was. However, people will always universally view him as a teenager, no matter how hot and grown up he becomes. I was having a discussion about Zac Efron the other day during brunch with my friends. My friend was talking about how good looking he is then stopped herself and said, “But wait, how old is he? Is he even legal yet?” To us, Mr. Efron, you will always be a 17-year-old. Just a really hot 17-year-old we all want to bang.