Haircuts

The Steps Every Girl Goes Through When Cutting Her Hair

Now when I say cutting her hair, I do not mean getting a trim. I’m talking about when you decide to take the plunge and cut off several inches of your hair. Or if you’re feeling really bold, decide to shave off everything. (For the sake of eyes everywhere I will never be doing this.)

The movies would have you believe that chopping off all your hair is simple. All a girl needs is a traumatic experience, a hotel room mirror,¬†and some rusty scissors. A few snips and she’s walking out of there like she just stepped out of a Pantene commercial and ready to kick some ass. If I find myself in a hotel room with a rusty pair of scissors, the best I’m walking out with is a trip to the ER for a tetanus shot.

There is a lot that goes into finally deciding to cut your hair.

It all starts when you realize your hair is getting too long. You’ve started washing your hair every other month because styling the Godforsaken mop on top your head requires 10 free hours and the arm strength of The Rock.

You know that a cut has to be scheduled sometime in the near future.

You start doing research for cute hairstyles. There are so many adorable short hairstyles and everyone looks so good. (You don’t take into account that all of these females you’re looking at have had their hair and makeup professionally done because you’re an idiot.) You think, “I can totally pull of a lob.” (A lob is a long bob for those not paying attention.)

You save several photos that you really like and start showing them to everyone you know. Obviously they all tell you that it’s adorable and you’d look great.

You finally decide to call your hair salon and make the appointment.

The day of the appointment comes and you’re feeling excited. You’ve got all those photos on your phone ready to show the stylist. You also rationalize that you’ve got to lose at least 10 pounds after the majority of this mess is off your head.

You sit down at the chair after your hair has been washed and the anxiety starts to kick in. The stylist asks what you want done and you falter. “Maybe I don’t want to cut it short. Maybe just a trim. I could always cut it another time. If I cut it now, I can’t change it.”

You go back and forth with the stylist about just how short you actually want it. Shoulder-length. At the collar bone. Right below the chin. You’re like a deranged auctioneer trying to sell off as little of your hair as possible.

After much haggling and debating, a length is finally decided. It’s not quite as short as you originally planned but still several inches shorter than what you’ve got going on now.

Fear starts to seep in when you see all your luscious locks start to fall to the floor. That’s right. The mop on top of your head suddenly becomes a luscious mane and the monster with the scissors is taking it all away.

You eventually calm yourself down. The hair is already cut. This is what you needed. It will all be OK.

When all the hair has been cut and your new short hair has been styled, you look in the mirror to view the results. It looks great! It’s so healthy-looking. You’re so satisfied with your haircut that you over tip the stylist. It’s all good. She deserves it for dealing with your mane.

For the next three days you constantly check yourself out in every mirror that you pass. You look good. You feel confident. You love your new hair.

Then you wash your hair for the first time and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. You want to find the animals who claim that short hair is the best because it’s so low maintenance. Who invented this myth? Who do I have to punch in the¬†throat? Short hair is so far from being low maintenance. How did the stylist make it look so beautiful? How did she get it to bounce the way that it did? And OMG I can’t even just throw it up in a ponytail without looking like a crazy homeless person!

But eventually things start to settle down. You learn how to style this hair and make yourself look presentable. The short hair starts to grow on you.

However, you vow never to cut your hair short again. That is until the next time your hair grows to unmanageable lengths and you repeat the process all over again.

And now here’s a shameless selfie from someone who recently cut her hair and knows all too well what each of these stages feel like.

me

A Public Service Announcement to Myself

whats-wrong-with-me

I try to keep things lighthearted here and keep the personal stuff to a minimum. But today I need to talk about a serious issue. This is something that I am putting out there for the whole world to know so I don’t continue making the same mistake.

This is something that I do all the time despite cries from family and friends that I’ll regret it. They tell me that I won’t be happy with my decision. I remind them that it’s my life and I can do what I want. I know what’s best for me. (Spoiler: I don’t know what’s best for me.)

Ignoring the protestations from loved ones, I do the thing anyway believing that it will make me happy. And it does make me happy. But it doesn’t last long. I spend weeks, sometimes even months, regretting my decision. I vow to never make the same mistake again. Next time around, I won’t be stupid. I’ll remember what I’m feeling now and won’t make the same mistake again.

However, a few months pass and I find myself in the same situation. Once again my loved ones remind me of all the terrible choices that I’ve made in the past. How it’s never made me happy no matter how much I’ve convinced myself that it has. But I’m stupid and don’t listen. I’ve seen other people do it and they seem so happy. It’s worked out for them. Why can’t it be the same for me?

So I take a chance and make the same mistake I’ve made 57 million times before. I think that somehow this time it will be different. This time I’ll finally get it right and be happy with my decision. But I’m never happy. I always regret my decision and cannot wait for it to pass!

Of course, I am talking about getting bangs! Every single time I go to get my hair cut I tell the stylist that I definitely want bangs. I love bangs. I love the way they look on me. Please cut some stupid bangs on my hair!

omg-i-hate-my-bangs-gif

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I like the bangs for maybe two days after the haircut then I spend the next month or two just waiting for the bangs to grow out. Then I go in for another haircut and get bangs all over again.

It’s a vicious cycle and it needs to stop now. I am putting this out there for all the world to see. So I can be held accountable for the next time I make the dumb mistake, convinced that this time I’ll love my bangs and won’t regret my decision.