Holidays

Things Far More Scarier Than Halloween Spooks

Happy Halloween! I love Halloween. Besides Christmas, it’s my favorite holiday. You get to dress up in fun costumes. Watch scary movies. Eat as much candy as you want. What’s not to love about Halloween?

It’s also during the best time of the year. Halloween is in October when Fall really starts to make it’s grand entrance.

But the best part of Halloween is all the spookiness. The scary movies and the haunted attractions are my favorite. Halloween can be a pretty scary holiday. However, as scary as Halloween can be, there are things in life far scarier. Basically adulting and life in general is worse than any Freddy movie ever made. Below are just a few of the many things scarier than Halloween can ever be:

  1. Hearing the words, “We need to talk.”
  2. Paying bills.
  3. Any strange sound coming from your car. This usually means an unexpected trip to the mechanic which is always costly.
  4. Stepping on the scale.
  5. Making a doctor’s appointment.
  6. Going to the doctor.
  7. Waiting for the doctor to get back to you with test results.
  8. Seeing the cop car behind you turn on their flashing lights.
  9. Visiting the Instagram page of someone you should not be stalking and accidentally liking a pic from three years ago.
  10. Seeing a bug in the shower when you’re naked, half-blind cause you have no glasses, and basically defenseless.
  11. Thinking you’ve killed a bug and then have it drop somewhere after removing the paper towel.
  12. Getting a phone call in the middle of the night from a family member. (Grandma doesn’t drunk dial.)
  13. Anytime you have to set your alarm clock earlier than 7am.
  14. When you go shopping for only healthy food cause you’re feeling motivated but later that day all you want is junk food and your fridge is filled with only green shit.
  15. The first of the month when rent is due. 
  16. Student loans.
  17. Running into someone from high school at the supermarket. 
  18. The supermarket the day before a holiday. 
  19. The mall during the entire month of December. 
  20. Running out of wine. 

*What are some things you find much scarier than Halloween?

     

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    Eight Other Christmas Songs That Are Super Offensive

    baby it's cold outside

    So The Washington Post recently wrote an article about “Baby It’s Cold Outside” apparently being the new rape anthem and Bill Cosby’s favorite song. They asked what should be done with this song and how much longer a wholesome store like Macy’s will continue to play this atrocious melody.

    “Baby It’s Cold Outside” was written back in 1944. Back when women were supposed to be proper ladies who only gave their vaginas to their husbands and only for the sole person to make other little humans. I think it’s pretty obvious the lady who “really can’t stay” wants to stay but society won’t have it. She needs to act demure so she doesn’t have to worry about what “the neighbors might think.”

    If this song was written today and the lyrics were the exact same, I’d be thinking “home boy needs to take no for an answer and girl needs to put that drink down right away and run out of that apartment as fast as she can.” But also, if it was written for today’s society where women are allowed to have sex and make their own decisions (shocking, I know!), the song would probably be a lot shorter. It would probably go one of two ways.

    I really can’t stay
    Baby, it’s cold outside
    Shit you’re right it is cold – Pour me a glass of wine and let’s see what’s on Netflix
    OR
    No shit Sherlock, It’s winter, Of course it’s cold – Give me my jacket so I can leave
    The End

    Not everything needs to be taken at face value and not everything in this world is offensive. But if we’re going to attack “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” let’s look at some other SUPER offensive Christmas songs that need to be banned immediately.

    1. Deck the Halls
    Offensive Lyric – Don we now our gay apparel
    Excuse me, what do you mean my “gay apparel.” Are you trying to say that just because I’m wearing my favorite flannel shirt I must be a lesbian? Offensive!

    2. Happy Holidays
    Offensive Lyric – The whole fucking song!
    What is this shit about Happy Holidays? It’s Merry Christmas NOT Happy Holidays.

    3. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
    Offensive Lyric – All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names; The never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games
    So years of bullying can just be pushed aside cause Santa finds himself in a pickle? Not cool, not cool at all!

    4. Feliz Navidad
    Offensive Lyric – Feliz Navidad, Prospero Año y Felicidad
    This is pretty obvious: Cultural Appropriation! Do you have any idea how many non-Spanish speaking people I’ve seen belt out this song? Offensive!

    for lease navidad

    5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
    Offensive Lyric – And we just can’t help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back!)
    This entire song is pretty much one big fuck you to poor little old Grandma. She gets left with hoof prints on her forehead and her husband is chilling watching football and her ungrateful kids want to send back the gifts she bought. It’s messed up.

    6. Do They Know It’s Christmas
    Offensive Lyric – And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time, The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
    Fun fact: Despite popular belief, Africa is in fact not just one big giant country but a continent. Crazy, I know!

    7. Santa Claus Is Watching You
    Offensive Lyric – So baby if you ever do me wrong, Break my heart and leave me alone, When Christmas comes, you’ll be crying too, ‘Cause Santa Claus is watching you, He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere
    I fully admit that I actually had never heard this song before writing this post. The entire lyrics are pretty amazing. I suggest you check them out. This pretty much reads like a song Edward would dedicate to Bella during the holidays.

    8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
    Offensive Lyric – Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, Underneath his beard so snowy white
    I am an idiot and for a really long time I thought this was a song about a little boy catching her mom’s cheating ass. I though mom was cheating on dad with Santa. Now I realize that this little boy has walked in on some weird role playing by his parents and that is sooooo much creepier and offensive.

    I would like the record to show that I actually love all of these Christmas songs and everyone needs to leave these songs alone! I wasn’t kidding when I said Christmas music was the shit.

    To all my lovely readers, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy some delicious Chinese food!

    merry christmas assface

    TBT: I Was a Know-It-All Brat Even at 5-Years-Old

    throwbackthursday_622x250

    Source

    This week’s Throwback Thursday is Christmas-themed. It tells the story of how each of the three Thompson sisters finally realized that there is no Santa and how it fits our individual personalities perfectly. (If you still believe in Santa, please stop reading now. I’m not here to break any hearts.)

    do you believe in santa

    In my last TBT, I briefly mentioned that my older sister was a bit of an animal when we were younger. She was definitely the problem child of the bunch. She was always breaking the rules. She found out that Santa isn’t real by doing what she did best: breaking the rules.

    You gotta break the rules

    Like every child on Christmas Eve, she was put to bed and told that she had to go to sleep or else Santa wouldn’t come drop off presents. My sister didn’t believe that Santa would be that much of a dick. What if a child had insomnia? Or woke up and really had to pee? Was Santa going to deny that child presents because of an overactive bladder?

    My sister wasn’t buying it. She decided to sneak out of her bed to see if she could see the fat man in action. She saw something slightly different. She saw my mom putting the presents under the Christmas Tree and my dad eating the cookies we lovingly laid out for Santa.

    But being the tough older sister that she is, she took it in stride. She was still getting the presents so it didn’t really matter to her. Presents trump your parents lying to you any day of the week.

    I was one of those really smart kids growing up. I’m a shining example of why you shouldn’t constantly tell your child how smart they are. They need to be reminded that hard work is important as well. I was always effortlessly smart that when I entered the real world and noticed that there are a lot of other smart people out there, I couldn’t handle it. (Do you like how I’m blaming my hot mess of a life on the fact that I was told I was smart when I was little?)

    I basically peaked in the second grade when I got a perfect score on my math Regents. It was all down hill from there. But back in Kindergarten, I was still a little Einstein.

    I'm really smart

    I believed in Santa for a little bit. We didn’t have a chimney but my parents told us all about Santa’s special key. Santa had a special key that allowed him to break and enter into anyone’s house who didn’t have a chimney. At 4-years-old this made perfect sense to me. Of course, Santa would have a special key that gets into every house. Of course, he can make it all around the world in 24-hours. Of course, a red-nosed reindeer would put aside years of abuse to help out his tormentors. I was getting presents. I didn’t question anything.

    Then I entered Kindergarten and I started to learn a few things. I started to do the math and things just weren’t adding up. My older sister was an asshole most of the time but how come she never once got a bag of coal under the tree? How in the heck did Santa know not to go to my best friend’s house cause she was Jewish? There were way too many questions and not enough answers.

    Finally, I let my parents know that the jig was up. I informed them that I knew Santa wasn’t real but it was all good. I’d still like the presents. I remember being out to dinner for Christmas Eve and the waitress talking to me about Christmas morning and Santa Claus. My parents probably weren’t too happy to realize that at 5-years-old their child was already turning into a bitter cynic. This waitress tried her hardest to convince my Grinch-heart that Santa was real. I just gave her a “Oh honey” shake of the head and said, “I know there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You can’t convince me otherwise.” She probably just walked away and prayed she’d never have a child as annoying and bratty as myself.

    Then there was my little sister. The baby. In many ways, she fits the description of the baby. She’s the one my sister and I always feel like we have to watch over. We’re always trying to help her get her life together. We’re like annoying mother hens but it’s out of love.

    My little sister believed in Santa way longer than she probably should have. But being the baby, my parents allowed it. Once she stopped believing, there was no more pretending. She was in the fourth grade and still believing in Santa. Maybe this is just the bratty know-it-all in me, but I think by then you should have been able to figure out that flying around the world handing presents to children in 24 hours isn’t possible.

    So my parents had no choice but to break the news to her. I guess they decided that they didn’t want her to be bullied for her beliefs. (Cause we all know kids are fucking assholes and would bully someone for believing in Santa.) They probably also didn’t want her to find out in some other more horrific way. They made the decision to let her know that Santa wasn’t real and they actually provided the presents for Christmas.

    What did my little sister do? She simply chose not to believe my parents.

    you sit on a throne of lies

    Apparently a fat man in a red suit traveling the world on a flying sleigh was more believable than my parents buying us presents. She told my dad she didn’t believe him and come Christmas morning was so happy to see the presents that “Santa” left for her. I believe it took another two years before she finally gave up this “Santa is real” dream.

    *For all my Christmas celebrating readers, how old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?

    This Is My Grown-Up Christmas List

    what do you want for christmasI love Christmas songs. The second it hits November 1st, I start blasting the Christmas songs. And I will play Mariah Carey’s iconic “All I Want For Chistmas” all year round. Anyone who has a problem with this can fight me. Christmas music is the shit!

    However, I will fully admit that some Christmas songs are ridiculous. “My Grown-Up Christmas List” is number one on the ridiculous list for me. I love all things cheesy but even this is a little too cheesy for me. What you really want for Christmas is for no more wars to start and for love to never end?

    you do bridesmaidsWell aren’t you just a special snowflake? News Flash: most people do want these things for Christmas. If someone said to me, “Listen you can either get yet ANOTHER gift set of lotions from Bath & Body Works or guarantee that no child would ever go to bed hungry again. Which one do you want?” I’m not a heathen. I’ll buy the lotions myself. Let the poor children eat.

    But let’s be serious here. Wars ain’t ending and my shitty paycheck ain’t feeding all those hungry kids. I can barely feed myself. I can sing my little hear out about all the ways I’d like to see this world get its shit together, but it’s not going to help. In the end of the day, people are still going to be hungry, people are still going to be dying, and idiots are still going to be convinced that Donald Trump would actually make a good president. You can’t fix the world with a Christmas List.

    So I’m going to be grumpy, materialistic, and shallow, and mention all the things that I really want on my Grown-Up Christmas List:

    1. I would like to be able to drink without feeling like I need 27 Gatorades, 55 cheeseburgers, and 200 hours of sleep to recover the next day.

    2. Please stop Demi Lovato from ever making music again. Nothing against her as a person. I’m sure she’s lovely but her music is atrocious. And this is coming from someone who has loved every single song Justin Bieber has ever released.

    3. Could I please have Tom Hiddleston eye-fuck me the way he’s eye-fucking Kat Dennings in this gif? And when he’s done can he dick-fuck me?

    tom hiddleston eye fuck

    4. Can my family just erase any memory of reading that above sentence about me being asked to be dick-fucked? Thanks!

    5. Since there is no way I am ever going to diet, can I please just be able to eat whatever I want and maintain my weight? That’s not even asking that much. I’m not asking to be a size zero. I’ll deal with this muffin top if I knew it won’t get any bigger no matter how many cupcakes I devour.

    6. I want a boy who I will actually like. A boy who understands the difference between their and they’re, doesn’t send dick pics, and will watch ridiculously cheesy horror movies form Netflix with me. And because I already said I’d be shallow, if he could be taller than me when I wear heels, that’d be fantastic!

    7. I want to be able to eat whatever I’m craving at any moment but my bank account to never suffer from my insatiable appetite.

    8. Whenever I pin any article of clothing to my “Fashion I’ll Never Actually Own” board, I want it to immediately be transported to my closet.

    9. A job that doesn’t make me want to murder myself every Monday morning and pays me enough to live with a roof over my head and still be able to enjoy the occasional happy hour.

    10. Speaking of Happy Hour…whenever I go out, can drinks always be at happy hour prices and appetizers be half-off?

    11. I would like to be able to go a whole month without having a random panic attack where I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest for no good reason.

    12. I would love for my hair to dry naturally looking like I just stepped out of a Pantene commercial.

    13. And I guess when you’re done finding me a man, a job, and making me look good, you can make sure we stop killing each other!  Thanks Santa, you’re the best!

    *So what would be on your Christmas list? Feel free to be as unrealistic as possible!

    It’s Merry Christmas, Not Happy Holidays

    Merry Chrismas Ya Filthy Animal - Home Alone

    I just need to go on a mini holiday rant right now. I know I’m such a Scrooge but I just need to get something off my chest.

    Every December, I always have at least one or two people share a photo of Santa Claus and a Christmas tree with the words “It’s Merry Christmas, NOT Happy Holidays” plastered on it. (And of course the word “not” is in all caps so the creator of the image can really get his point across.) I cannot help but laugh every time it comes across my news feed. It makes me want to immediately go to the person’s page and wish them Happy Holidays! Or at least comment on the photo saying, “Really? Who cares?!”

    I just do not get the whole Merry Christmas, not happy holidays thing. Have these people not heard of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s? These are all holidays happening this December (technically January for New Year’s but we all know people only care about the Eve). That’s why it’s called the HOLIDAY season. It’s not some personal attack on your precious HOLIDAY! See! Christmas is a holiday. So wishing you a Happy Holiday isn’t even incorrect.

    Just because Christmas is the most prominent holiday, with it being shoved down our throats before we’ve even had a chance to take off our Halloween costumes off, doesn’t make it the ONLY holiday.

    Happy_Holidays_cartoon

    I am sure these are the same people who believe in the fictitious war on Christmas.

    ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas, Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, Santa Claus closing the show at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Those are just a few events off the top of my head that showcase your precious Christmas. Acknowledging the existence of other holidays doesn’t take anything away from Christmas. It’s simply stating a face. This is the holiday season cause there are a ton of holidays happening this month.

    Let me say that I have no tolerance for complaining on either sides. If you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, another December holiday, or skip the festivities entirely but get annoyed and complain when a cashier wishes you a Merry Christmas, you have entirely too much time on your hands. A cashier could wish me a Happy Festivus and do you know what I would do? Say, “Thanks, you too,” take my packages, and be on my merry way. Why? Because it does not matter! It genuinely does not matter what greeting a cashier chooses to use when they are just trying to be nice. It does not matter what type of wording a store manager chooses to use in signage or decorations in their store. It. Does. Not. Matter.

    If you find yourself wanting to cause a storm cause a banner at the supermarket says “Happy Holidays” or if you want to speak to a manager because a cashier wished you a Merry Christmas, I need you to do something for me. I need you to go home, drink some tea, sit down, and reevaluate all of your life choices. Because clearly somewhere along the way things got messed up.

    And I hope you have a wonderful holiday!