Humor

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Make Adult Decisions

So as you all know, I recently found an apartment and moved into my new digs on February 15th. I bet you’re all wondering how it’s been going. I know you guys can’t sleep at night thinking about poor Liz from Am I Thirty? and her apartment troubles. Well things have not been going so great. The apartment has been a hot mess since day one.

For starters, the apartment was an absolute mess when I first moved in. Now I got this apartment in an interesting way. My brother-in-law’s friend used to live there before he got married. My brother-in-law had his friend check with the landlords to see if it was still available. Sadly, it wasn’t. The landlords had just rented it out to a young couple. Naturally, I was pissed. This young couple are taking the next step and moving in together but I’m still stressing about getting a text back. But I was also pissed cause finding an apartment is definitely in one of the nine circles of Hell. These assholes got to it first, putting me back at square one.

Where isn't the bathroom - apartment hunting

But the apartment Gods were on my side. My brother-in-law gave me the landlord’s information cause the apartment was unexpectedly available again. Turns out the young couple taking the next step in their relationship didn’t work out. (My current landlord is incredibly talkative so I know all the details.) Apparently the landlord heard the couple fighting at three in the morning. The girlfriend was calling the boyfriend a liar and saying that she saw the text messages. Girlfriend’s family drives down from Massachusetts the next day, packs up all her stuff, and that’s the end of that young couple. Clearly the boyfriend is too devastated from being an idiot and not deleting his text messages so he decides he wants to move out. This worked out for me in more way than one. 1. I finally had an apartment to move into. 2. The whole story reminded me just why relationships are not worth the trouble.

However, the boyfriend still lived at the apartment for a few weeks after his girlfriend left him high and dry. And he was very clearly wallowing in his own self pity. The apartment looked as though he wiped his piss all over the walls and would randomly vomit on the floors. It was a mess. I don’t even want to attempt to describe to you what the toilet looked like. I don’t want to give you guys nightmares.

So I spent the first week and a half at my new place not actually sleeping there and just scrubbing every inch of the place when I was there. Then I needed to make some serious adult decisions. Do you have any idea how many things are needed to put together an apartment?! This isn’t the first time I’ve moved out on my own but the other times I had most of the essentials that are needed. This time around I needed EVERYTHING!

Furnishing an entire apartment from scratch taught me a lot. It taught me that I know NOTHING!

Here are just a few of the thoughts I’ve had and things I’ve done while putting together this apartment that prove I should not be allowed to make adult decisions without a more real adult watching over me.

  1. When I was preparing to clean, I thought it was wise to buy paper towels from the Dollar store. This was not a good idea. They fell apart within five minutes and somehow managed to make the cabinets even dirtier.
  2. I have no idea how to properly clean a bathroom without wanting to vomit every five minutes.
  3. Why are garbage cans so expensive? They just hold dirty crap! They should not be over 100 dollars!
  4. Buying a mattress is a hard decision and it’s not something that should be done online. I feel like most intelligent adults know this. Unfortunately for myself, I am not an intelligent adult. I bought a mattress online from Sleepy’s and it was a mess. I tried to go for a deal but I did go with a mattress that got decent reviews so I thought it’d be OK. Well the mattress came and it was the width of a mattress that would normally go on a cot. I should have known when the website said the height was 6 inches. I thought 6 inches was substantial. I was wrong. You ever have a 6″ sandwich from Subway. It’s basically like eating air. I got the 6″ Subway sandwich of mattresses.
  5. I am a 12-year-old posing as a 30-year-old. I cannot sleep in my own apartment without leaving the television on. And my first night sleeping there, I had a nightmare and woke up at 4 in the morning freaked out.
  6. Bedrooms sets are another extremely difficult purchase and insanely expensive. I also have no idea how to properly purchase bedroom sets. I finally found a bedroom set I really liked online so I used my brand new credit card with no interest for 21 months (SCORE!) to make the purchase. The bedroom set comes and I find out that it has no bed frame. It’s just a headboard. It’s rather difficult to put together a bed/bedroom without a friggen bed frame!
  7. Shopping for one person is the hardest thing you will ever do. (I still have no idea how much chicken will feed a family of one for a week.) That probably explains why my fridge consists of one rotisserie chicken, a tomato, and four bottles of wine.
  8. I am still living off paper plates and utensils but I have enough wine glasses in my apartment to entertain a party of 12. Clearly my priorities are in order.

So my apartment may still be a complete hot mess and I don’t see this changing anytime soon, but you all are more than welcome to come over. There’s no shortage of chicken and wine. And really what more could you want from a party?!

What New Year’s Resolutions Actually Look Like

lying to yourself gifHappy New Year’s bitches! (I’m a few days late but go with it! I never post on here when I actually want to.) I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s. I had a party at my sister’s house and passed out on the couch after one too many shots of Jameson. Translation: I had an awesome New Year’s!

New Year’s is that annoying time when people won’t shut the fuck about all that “New Year, New Me” nonsense. You’re not going to change into some better version of yourself once the clock strikes midnight. You’d think by now people would realize that New Year’s resolutions are a joke. You’re just lying to yourself. But nope! Come January first, a membership to the gym becomes the hottest ticket in town and you realize that people are still buying into the idea of New Year’s resolutions.

I am all for people making goals in the New Year. I don’t want to spend all 365 days sitting on my ass watching Netflix. (Plenty of those days will be spent doing that but not all 365.) I’d like to accomplish a few things before December 31, 2016. And so should you! Goals are good to have but let’s all stop with the resolutions. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to completely change who you are as a person simply because the calendar year now ends with a six instead of a five.

And the real kicker is that most people make the same set of resolutions. Resolutions that they usually proceed to fail within the first month or so of the New Year. Let’s take a look at how your resolutions are really going to turn out.

“I am going to eat more healthy food!”
This is one that too many people make. You wind up eating like shit from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Eve, realize that you don’t fit into any of your pants anymore, and decide that a change needs to be made. This is the year you’re going to finally say goodbye to fried foods and start eating a ton of green shit.

Eating healthy - dieting sucksHere’s how things really go: That first week is awesome. You pack salad for lunch and eat nothing but grilled chicken for days. Then someone decides to bring donuts to the office and all hell breaks loose. You consume five donuts in a matter of minutes and you’ve officially lost your way. 2016 will just be another year where you spend Sundays eating everything in your house because “I’m totally going to start my diet tomorrow.”

“I am going to start working out more!”
I wasn’t kidding when I said a gym membership becomes the hottest ticket in town. The eating healthy and working out tend to go together. You’re not going to throw down Big Macs and then run on the treadmill. You’re going to eat your sad salad and work out for forty minutes. So you buy that gym membership and vow that the money won’t go to waste because you’ll use the gym ALL THE TIME!

I did that pushup for nothingHere’s how things really go: You waste your hard earned money on a gym membership every month yet you never actually go to the gym. You go the first week and convince yourself that you’re really getting into a routine. Then it starts to get colder and colder. Then a really big snow storm hits. No one wants to work all day and then go to the gym when it’s zero degrees outside. So that routine is out the window. You spend the next few months hibernating. Then the weather gets warmer and you think, “Now I can get that bikini body.” So once again you go to the gym for about a week before you realize all the other shit you’d rather be doing than working out.

“I am going to start saving money.”
Saving money is smart. It’s always good to have that rainy day stash. So you figure that this will finally be the year that you really put aside that 10% of your check every time you get paid. You can do this. Ten percent is nothing! Building a nice savings account will be easy.

treat yo selfHere’s how things really go: Saving money is really hard! You have some really great intentions of putting money aside every week but then life gets in the way. People have birthdays, you just have to have that new dress, you gotta eat a lot of fattening food on Sunday before you start your diet the next day, some asshole hits your car while it’s parked and you have to shell out $300 to get it fixed (this actually happened to me in 2015). You wanna save money but shit just keeps getting in the way!

“I’m going to start going out more and enjoying life.”
People usually fall into two categories: the saving money group or the going out more group. It’s hard to do both. You can either save your money or go out and live your life. Usually those who had a particularly boring year tend to enter the latter group. They decide they’re going to go on more vacations, go to more parties, become more of a “Yes Man.”

Help me, I'm poorHere’s how things really go: You start to look up some vacation packages just to see where you can go. Then you realize that shit is crazy expensive. Being a “Yes Man” is great in theory until you start realizing that shots and a trip to the Bahamas aren’t quite as important as paying your rent every month.

“I am going to start dating more and really giving people a chance.”
You know what else is a hot ticket in January besides a gym membership? A membership to an online dating site. You’ve spent the holidays alone with no one to kiss under the mistletoe or when the clock strikes at midnight. You vow that by next year you’ll have someone to cuddle up with when the temperature drops. So you find your best selfies and join a dating site. You’re ready to start giving people a chance and be more open with dating.

I don;t like peopleHere’s how things really go: Turns out that online dating is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. You go on a few dates and each one starts and ends with you just wanting to get home so you can finish binge watching your show. Turns out that most people suck and dating really brings out the worst in people.

Resolutions are for chumps! Just don’t even do them. Instead make some goals. Work towards something you’ve wanted to achieve for awhile now.

Eight Other Christmas Songs That Are Super Offensive

baby it's cold outside

So The Washington Post recently wrote an article about “Baby It’s Cold Outside” apparently being the new rape anthem and Bill Cosby’s favorite song. They asked what should be done with this song and how much longer a wholesome store like Macy’s will continue to play this atrocious melody.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” was written back in 1944. Back when women were supposed to be proper ladies who only gave their vaginas to their husbands and only for the sole person to make other little humans. I think it’s pretty obvious the lady who “really can’t stay” wants to stay but society won’t have it. She needs to act demure so she doesn’t have to worry about what “the neighbors might think.”

If this song was written today and the lyrics were the exact same, I’d be thinking “home boy needs to take no for an answer and girl needs to put that drink down right away and run out of that apartment as fast as she can.” But also, if it was written for today’s society where women are allowed to have sex and make their own decisions (shocking, I know!), the song would probably be a lot shorter. It would probably go one of two ways.

I really can’t stay
Baby, it’s cold outside
Shit you’re right it is cold – Pour me a glass of wine and let’s see what’s on Netflix
OR
No shit Sherlock, It’s winter, Of course it’s cold – Give me my jacket so I can leave
The End

Not everything needs to be taken at face value and not everything in this world is offensive. But if we’re going to attack “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” let’s look at some other SUPER offensive Christmas songs that need to be banned immediately.

1. Deck the Halls
Offensive Lyric – Don we now our gay apparel
Excuse me, what do you mean my “gay apparel.” Are you trying to say that just because I’m wearing my favorite flannel shirt I must be a lesbian? Offensive!

2. Happy Holidays
Offensive Lyric – The whole fucking song!
What is this shit about Happy Holidays? It’s Merry Christmas NOT Happy Holidays.

3. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names; The never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games
So years of bullying can just be pushed aside cause Santa finds himself in a pickle? Not cool, not cool at all!

4. Feliz Navidad
Offensive Lyric – Feliz Navidad, Prospero Año y Felicidad
This is pretty obvious: Cultural Appropriation! Do you have any idea how many non-Spanish speaking people I’ve seen belt out this song? Offensive!

for lease navidad

5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Offensive Lyric – And we just can’t help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back!)
This entire song is pretty much one big fuck you to poor little old Grandma. She gets left with hoof prints on her forehead and her husband is chilling watching football and her ungrateful kids want to send back the gifts she bought. It’s messed up.

6. Do They Know It’s Christmas
Offensive Lyric – And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time, The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Fun fact: Despite popular belief, Africa is in fact not just one big giant country but a continent. Crazy, I know!

7. Santa Claus Is Watching You
Offensive Lyric – So baby if you ever do me wrong, Break my heart and leave me alone, When Christmas comes, you’ll be crying too, ‘Cause Santa Claus is watching you, He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere
I fully admit that I actually had never heard this song before writing this post. The entire lyrics are pretty amazing. I suggest you check them out. This pretty much reads like a song Edward would dedicate to Bella during the holidays.

8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Offensive Lyric – Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, Underneath his beard so snowy white
I am an idiot and for a really long time I thought this was a song about a little boy catching her mom’s cheating ass. I though mom was cheating on dad with Santa. Now I realize that this little boy has walked in on some weird role playing by his parents and that is sooooo much creepier and offensive.

I would like the record to show that I actually love all of these Christmas songs and everyone needs to leave these songs alone! I wasn’t kidding when I said Christmas music was the shit.

To all my lovely readers, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy some delicious Chinese food!

merry christmas assface

TBT: I Was a Know-It-All Brat Even at 5-Years-Old

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Source

This week’s Throwback Thursday is Christmas-themed. It tells the story of how each of the three Thompson sisters finally realized that there is no Santa and how it fits our individual personalities perfectly. (If you still believe in Santa, please stop reading now. I’m not here to break any hearts.)

do you believe in santa

In my last TBT, I briefly mentioned that my older sister was a bit of an animal when we were younger. She was definitely the problem child of the bunch. She was always breaking the rules. She found out that Santa isn’t real by doing what she did best: breaking the rules.

You gotta break the rules

Like every child on Christmas Eve, she was put to bed and told that she had to go to sleep or else Santa wouldn’t come drop off presents. My sister didn’t believe that Santa would be that much of a dick. What if a child had insomnia? Or woke up and really had to pee? Was Santa going to deny that child presents because of an overactive bladder?

My sister wasn’t buying it. She decided to sneak out of her bed to see if she could see the fat man in action. She saw something slightly different. She saw my mom putting the presents under the Christmas Tree and my dad eating the cookies we lovingly laid out for Santa.

But being the tough older sister that she is, she took it in stride. She was still getting the presents so it didn’t really matter to her. Presents trump your parents lying to you any day of the week.

I was one of those really smart kids growing up. I’m a shining example of why you shouldn’t constantly tell your child how smart they are. They need to be reminded that hard work is important as well. I was always effortlessly smart that when I entered the real world and noticed that there are a lot of other smart people out there, I couldn’t handle it. (Do you like how I’m blaming my hot mess of a life on the fact that I was told I was smart when I was little?)

I basically peaked in the second grade when I got a perfect score on my math Regents. It was all down hill from there. But back in Kindergarten, I was still a little Einstein.

I'm really smart

I believed in Santa for a little bit. We didn’t have a chimney but my parents told us all about Santa’s special key. Santa had a special key that allowed him to break and enter into anyone’s house who didn’t have a chimney. At 4-years-old this made perfect sense to me. Of course, Santa would have a special key that gets into every house. Of course, he can make it all around the world in 24-hours. Of course, a red-nosed reindeer would put aside years of abuse to help out his tormentors. I was getting presents. I didn’t question anything.

Then I entered Kindergarten and I started to learn a few things. I started to do the math and things just weren’t adding up. My older sister was an asshole most of the time but how come she never once got a bag of coal under the tree? How in the heck did Santa know not to go to my best friend’s house cause she was Jewish? There were way too many questions and not enough answers.

Finally, I let my parents know that the jig was up. I informed them that I knew Santa wasn’t real but it was all good. I’d still like the presents. I remember being out to dinner for Christmas Eve and the waitress talking to me about Christmas morning and Santa Claus. My parents probably weren’t too happy to realize that at 5-years-old their child was already turning into a bitter cynic. This waitress tried her hardest to convince my Grinch-heart that Santa was real. I just gave her a “Oh honey” shake of the head and said, “I know there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You can’t convince me otherwise.” She probably just walked away and prayed she’d never have a child as annoying and bratty as myself.

Then there was my little sister. The baby. In many ways, she fits the description of the baby. She’s the one my sister and I always feel like we have to watch over. We’re always trying to help her get her life together. We’re like annoying mother hens but it’s out of love.

My little sister believed in Santa way longer than she probably should have. But being the baby, my parents allowed it. Once she stopped believing, there was no more pretending. She was in the fourth grade and still believing in Santa. Maybe this is just the bratty know-it-all in me, but I think by then you should have been able to figure out that flying around the world handing presents to children in 24 hours isn’t possible.

So my parents had no choice but to break the news to her. I guess they decided that they didn’t want her to be bullied for her beliefs. (Cause we all know kids are fucking assholes and would bully someone for believing in Santa.) They probably also didn’t want her to find out in some other more horrific way. They made the decision to let her know that Santa wasn’t real and they actually provided the presents for Christmas.

What did my little sister do? She simply chose not to believe my parents.

you sit on a throne of lies

Apparently a fat man in a red suit traveling the world on a flying sleigh was more believable than my parents buying us presents. She told my dad she didn’t believe him and come Christmas morning was so happy to see the presents that “Santa” left for her. I believe it took another two years before she finally gave up this “Santa is real” dream.

*For all my Christmas celebrating readers, how old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?

This Is My Grown-Up Christmas List

what do you want for christmasI love Christmas songs. The second it hits November 1st, I start blasting the Christmas songs. And I will play Mariah Carey’s iconic “All I Want For Chistmas” all year round. Anyone who has a problem with this can fight me. Christmas music is the shit!

However, I will fully admit that some Christmas songs are ridiculous. “My Grown-Up Christmas List” is number one on the ridiculous list for me. I love all things cheesy but even this is a little too cheesy for me. What you really want for Christmas is for no more wars to start and for love to never end?

you do bridesmaidsWell aren’t you just a special snowflake? News Flash: most people do want these things for Christmas. If someone said to me, “Listen you can either get yet ANOTHER gift set of lotions from Bath & Body Works or guarantee that no child would ever go to bed hungry again. Which one do you want?” I’m not a heathen. I’ll buy the lotions myself. Let the poor children eat.

But let’s be serious here. Wars ain’t ending and my shitty paycheck ain’t feeding all those hungry kids. I can barely feed myself. I can sing my little hear out about all the ways I’d like to see this world get its shit together, but it’s not going to help. In the end of the day, people are still going to be hungry, people are still going to be dying, and idiots are still going to be convinced that Donald Trump would actually make a good president. You can’t fix the world with a Christmas List.

So I’m going to be grumpy, materialistic, and shallow, and mention all the things that I really want on my Grown-Up Christmas List:

1. I would like to be able to drink without feeling like I need 27 Gatorades, 55 cheeseburgers, and 200 hours of sleep to recover the next day.

2. Please stop Demi Lovato from ever making music again. Nothing against her as a person. I’m sure she’s lovely but her music is atrocious. And this is coming from someone who has loved every single song Justin Bieber has ever released.

3. Could I please have Tom Hiddleston eye-fuck me the way he’s eye-fucking Kat Dennings in this gif? And when he’s done can he dick-fuck me?

tom hiddleston eye fuck

4. Can my family just erase any memory of reading that above sentence about me being asked to be dick-fucked? Thanks!

5. Since there is no way I am ever going to diet, can I please just be able to eat whatever I want and maintain my weight? That’s not even asking that much. I’m not asking to be a size zero. I’ll deal with this muffin top if I knew it won’t get any bigger no matter how many cupcakes I devour.

6. I want a boy who I will actually like. A boy who understands the difference between their and they’re, doesn’t send dick pics, and will watch ridiculously cheesy horror movies form Netflix with me. And because I already said I’d be shallow, if he could be taller than me when I wear heels, that’d be fantastic!

7. I want to be able to eat whatever I’m craving at any moment but my bank account to never suffer from my insatiable appetite.

8. Whenever I pin any article of clothing to my “Fashion I’ll Never Actually Own” board, I want it to immediately be transported to my closet.

9. A job that doesn’t make me want to murder myself every Monday morning and pays me enough to live with a roof over my head and still be able to enjoy the occasional happy hour.

10. Speaking of Happy Hour…whenever I go out, can drinks always be at happy hour prices and appetizers be half-off?

11. I would like to be able to go a whole month without having a random panic attack where I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest for no good reason.

12. I would love for my hair to dry naturally looking like I just stepped out of a Pantene commercial.

13. And I guess when you’re done finding me a man, a job, and making me look good, you can make sure we stop killing each other!  Thanks Santa, you’re the best!

*So what would be on your Christmas list? Feel free to be as unrealistic as possible!

TBT: Don’t Ever Give Me a Pet Hamster

throwbackthursday_622x250Source

This may come as a shock to some of you but there are times when I have no idea what in the world to write about on this blog. Considering how OFTEN I post on here, I’m sure this is incredibly shocking news. With the frequency of my posts, you’d think the ideas are flowing out of me day and night.

Since all of that was clearly sarcasm and I never post frequently on this blog, I’ve decided to change things up a bit by bringing you a new segment I like to call: Throwback Thursday.

I never actually participate in Throwback Thursday on social media. (#TBT for all you cool kids!) I went through an awkward stage from ages 5 to 25. No one wants to see pics of me when I was younger. But stories of a ridiculous childhood can be hilarious and make for fantastic blog posts. That’s why I bring to you the first in my Throwback Thursday series: My disastrous history with pet hamsters. emma watson pet hamster

Oh Emma Watson, I have never related to you so much before. I have had three pet hamsters in my lifetime and they have all died tragic deaths. One was murdered and the other two committed suicide.

I’m a horrible person and cannot actually remember the names of my pet hamsters. Maybe that’s why they killed themselves. They’d rather be dead than have me as their owner. Hamster #1 was the first one to kill himself.

I was good to Hamster #1. I played with him after school every day. He had a nice big cage with a wheel which was perfect for when he wanted to have fun and lose a little weight. He even got one of those clear plastic balls he could roll around the house in. This bastard had everything a little hamster could want but it just wasn’t good enough.

Hamster #1 loved his little hamster wheel. He would play it in at all hours. At least, I always thought he played on it cause he loved it. In reality, he was planning his escape. His escape from this world and the overzealous love of an eight-year-old enjoying their first pet. I woke up one morning to find Hamster #1 lying next to the hamster wheel with a broken neck. Over twenty years later and I still remember the look of fear on his dead face. I live with that image to this day.

My precious parents tried to convince me that he must have fallen off the hamster wheel while it was still turning and got stuck. But I knew better. This bastard was preparing for this all along. He trained on that hamster wheel we lovingly placed in his cage to see how fast he could go. Once he hit maximum speed, he dove head first into that metal hamster wheel of doom! No one will ever be able to convince me it happened any other way.

You’d think that after seeing one hamster murder itself, I’d be done. You’d think wrong. In fact, after that debacle, I got two more hamsters. I thought if only Hamster #1 had a friend maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself.

Enter Hamster #2 and Hamster #3. (I’m still an evil bastard who cannot remember their names.) And it was a horrible disaster from the very beginning. This was no match made in heaven. They absolutely hated one another. Apparently they thought their clear glass cage was a steel cage set for no-holds-barred fights. Several times we caught them in a bloody mess after fighting.

A normal family would have bought a second cage and called it day. Easy solution! I don’t have a normal family. Our solution? Take a giant textbook and place it in the middle of the cage to separate these wannabe MMA hamsters.

The textbook divider worked for a little bit, until it didn’t anymore. One night I was at my friend’s house getting ready to enjoy a sleepover when I got a devastating call from my father. Apparently someone, in their haste to separate the dueling monsters, smashed Hamster #2 with the book. I wish I were kidding. Someone in my family, someone that I trusted, murdered Hamster #2 in cold blood. To this day no one in my family has ever come clean but I think I know who it is. I bet it was my older sister. She’s my favorite person in the world now but when we were younger, she was pure evil. (Maybe I’ll tell you some horror stories of having an older sister in the next edition of TBT.)

So the murder of Hamster #2 goes down as one of the country’s greatest unsolved mysteries and it left me with just Hamster #3. You’d think that after witnessing her arch-nemesis being murdered, she’d be happy. You’d think she’d be dancing around like the munchkins singing “Ding Dong the witch is dead.” Apparently she wasn’t happy. Maybe she was angry that she wasn’t the one who got to do the killing.

So Hamster #3 becomes the second hamster I own to murder itself. I come home from school so excited to play with my one hamster that hasn’t tragically died yet, only to see her sound asleep in the corner of her cage. Being the nice pet owner that I am, I let her sleep. Several hours pass and I think either my hamster has turned into Rip Van Winkle or something is up.

I tap the glass and nothing happens. In my heart, I knew she was dead. That’s the fate of the hamsters in my world. But I wasn’t brave enough to find it out for myself. I call my dad over to investigate. He turns poor little Hamster #3 over and we find a wood chip buried deep inside her stomach. The wood chips I lovingly laid on the bottom of the cage so she’d have a comfy place to sleep were used as a weapon to kill. Once again my parents tried to convince me that this was all an accident. She was just trying to get comfortable when one of those killer wood chips plowed into her. Freak accident. But I knew better. One freak accident, maybe. But after three dead hamsters, I was done.

I didn’t get another hamster after that. I couldn’t do it. It was pretty obvious that I was cursed to live out the rest of my days hamster-less. Future children (if I ever have you) please never ask for a hamster. The answer is no cause I shudder to think what new ways these hamsters would find to commit suicide.

Don’t Show Chris Hansen My Search History

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You guys! I finished it! Well almost finished it! I handed in the first draft of my thesis to my Professor! All 50+ pages! (Yea, I’m being a bit excessive with the exclamation points! Deal with it!!!) I just got her comments back. A few minor changes need to be made and then it’s completed! It’s the final step I need to take before I am officially done with school!

Writing my thesis has been an experience. It probably would have been easier if I wasn’t such a procrastinator. But I wait till the last minute; it’s in my nature. My thesis was on ways the library can promote literacy in young boys. So naturally my search history has been interesting. Lots of searches dealing with young boys. Taken out of context it could look very suspicious. But I swear Chris Hansen, I just want to get boys reading more!

I’ve gotten really creative these past couple of months coming up with everything but my thesis to do. I started a list on IMDB of every movie I’ve ever seen and realized that I watch a lot of ridiculous movies. (Why have I watched Cruel Intentions 2?) I also spent a lot of time going through my stats on this site, particularly the search terms.

It made me realize that a lot of people have come to my blog looking for something and I don’t think they’ve found the answers yet. I’m sure some were satisfied. Like the person looking for “how to get over an almost relationship” and the one wanting to find out about “growing up in Brooklyn.” I hope you random Internet searchers found what you’re looking for on my blog.

However, plenty of people wound up on my blog and I’m sure left with no answer. That is until now! I’m here to help all those people who came to my blog looking for answers that were nowhere to be found.

let me help you with that new girl

Search: how to get women back i said the f word to

Answer: I am going to assume that by f word you mean fuck. If you have a woman who was offended by the word food or football, you’re better off. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life. So you fucked up and used the f word in front of your lady friend. It happens to the best of us. My big issue is that you’re asking women instead of just one woman. Maybe focus on getting one lady back at a time. Oh, and probably lay off the f bombs when talking to your women.

Search: should i check to see if the lesbian i am dating is still online

Answer: I know you’re not supposed to assume (even though my dumb ass did it one paragraph earlier) but I am going to make an assumption here. I am guessing that you met a lady online and now that you two are dating, you want to see if she’s still on the online dating site. Pretty rational question and I think most of us who have dabbled in the online dating world can relate. I know for myself the temptation is too strong not to look. I make no secret that I am a creepy Internet stalker. You can look but I think there are a few things you need to consider before you react. If you guys JUST started dating (I’m talking less than 5 dates), then you can’t really get that mad about her profile still being up. If you have taken yours down and would like her to take hers down as well, then this could be an opportunity to have a talk with her about where things are going. If you guys already had a talk and agreed to delete the online dating site and you still find her profile up, then that’s a problem. You need to sit your lady down and have a chat cause that ain’t cool. Good luck! Online stalking is always scary cause you never know what you’re going to find.

Search: meaning netflix and chill

Answer: Netflix and chill means to throw on some sweatpants, pour a giant glass of wine, order a pizza, and watch 10 straight hours of your favorite TV show. That is the true meaning of Netflix and chill. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You know the people who love to shout “I’m Keeping Christ in Christmas. Who’s With Me?” Well, I’m like that when it comes to Netflix and chill. I’m keeping the pants in Netflix and chill, who’s with me?

Search: do you think i procrastinate

Answer: You’re searching the Internet asking if you procrastinate instead of doing something productive with your time. I am going to have to go with a “Yes” on this one. But it’s all cool. I should be editing my thesis but instead I’m answering people who made random searches and will probably never wind up on my blog again.

Search: why do women take revealing photos

Answer: Cause they are in a long distance relationship and want to spice things up with their significant other. Cause they think they’re really hot. Cause they just want to. The possibilities are endless.

Search: am i old by 22

Answer: Fuck you! Sorry, I’m just kidding. Sort of. But seriously, are you really asking if you’re old at 22??!!?? Trust me! You are not old at 22. There is nothing about a 22-year-old that’s actually old.

Multiple Searches: zac efron penis; zac efron dick; zac efron cock; penis zac efron; zach ephron penis; efron penis; zac efron delicious penis; zac efron’s penis

Answer: Sorry, but I do not have the answer to what you’re looking for. But I do have some questions of my own. Why are so many people interested in finding Zac Efron’s penis? What is it about my blog that leads you here for your search for his penis? Have any of you come across his penis yet? If so, what’s he packing? (I’m a pervert and wouldn’t mind knowing these things.)

A Public Service Announcement to Myself

whats-wrong-with-me

I try to keep things lighthearted here and keep the personal stuff to a minimum. But today I need to talk about a serious issue. This is something that I am putting out there for the whole world to know so I don’t continue making the same mistake.

This is something that I do all the time despite cries from family and friends that I’ll regret it. They tell me that I won’t be happy with my decision. I remind them that it’s my life and I can do what I want. I know what’s best for me. (Spoiler: I don’t know what’s best for me.)

Ignoring the protestations from loved ones, I do the thing anyway believing that it will make me happy. And it does make me happy. But it doesn’t last long. I spend weeks, sometimes even months, regretting my decision. I vow to never make the same mistake again. Next time around, I won’t be stupid. I’ll remember what I’m feeling now and won’t make the same mistake again.

However, a few months pass and I find myself in the same situation. Once again my loved ones remind me of all the terrible choices that I’ve made in the past. How it’s never made me happy no matter how much I’ve convinced myself that it has. But I’m stupid and don’t listen. I’ve seen other people do it and they seem so happy. It’s worked out for them. Why can’t it be the same for me?

So I take a chance and make the same mistake I’ve made 57 million times before. I think that somehow this time it will be different. This time I’ll finally get it right and be happy with my decision. But I’m never happy. I always regret my decision and cannot wait for it to pass!

Of course, I am talking about getting bangs! Every single time I go to get my hair cut I tell the stylist that I definitely want bangs. I love bangs. I love the way they look on me. Please cut some stupid bangs on my hair!

omg-i-hate-my-bangs-gif

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I like the bangs for maybe two days after the haircut then I spend the next month or two just waiting for the bangs to grow out. Then I go in for another haircut and get bangs all over again.

It’s a vicious cycle and it needs to stop now. I am putting this out there for all the world to see. So I can be held accountable for the next time I make the dumb mistake, convinced that this time I’ll love my bangs and won’t regret my decision.

Ten Times Calories Don’t Count

 

keep the food coming gif

Sorry I have been away for awhile, but I kind of knew that was going to happen. I am currently trying to put together my thesis and it’s slowly killing me. I am 23 pages in and not even close to done. Naturally, all of this stress has been making me eat, A LOT! Who has time to count calories when you’re stressed out? No one! I need this food in my life to keep myself sane when I’m up all night trying to find enough words to fit that ten-page minimum each chapter requires!

Food is my favorite thing in the world. If you want to instantly make me unhappy, force me to diet. Eating salads is depressing. I need carbs in my life in order to be happy. If a genie ever came to me with one wish, that wish would be that I could eat whatever I want without getting fat. Forget the perfect man, a mansion, student loans paid off. The ultimate dream is to eat whatever you want and still be able to fit in your clothes.

But sadly, life doesn’t work that way. You are more than welcome to eat a dozen donuts but just be prepared to pack on a dozen pounds as well. You can’t have it all; all the food and the nice body. But I am here with some good news for everyone. There are those times when calories do not count and you are welcome to eat as many cupcakes and french fries as your heart desires.

Elf eating gif

Here are the ten times you don’t have to worry about counting calories.

  1. Holidays. This is an obvious one. Calories never count on holidays and yes, this does include Flag Day.
  2. Your birthday. This is technically just another holiday anyway. You’re celebrating the day you entered this world. Calories are not a thing to worry about.
  3. Chips and salsa or bread and butter at a restaurant before your meal comes. Going out to eat can be frustrating. Getting yourself and everyone together to leave, then driving to the restaurant, then waiting to be seated, then waiting for everyone to order, then waiting for your meal to finally come. It’s a process. And it feels even longer when you’re starving. So feel free to indulge in some bread and butter. It won’t hurt!
  4. When you made the food. Making food is a job. No job should come with the punishment of extra inches to your waistline. If you make the food, you can eat it guilt free.
  5. Samples. You wanna be able to eat a great lunch but not gain any weight? Go to Costco during your lunch break! Samples for days!
  6. When you’re really upset. You’re already upset. There is no need for you to have to worry about calories or scales when you’re upset. Eat that tub of ice cream. Everything will be OK!
  7. When you’re just trying someone else’s food. So you ordered the salad cause you wanted to be healthy but your friend ordered the mac and cheese with extra cheese and bacon. Bet your greens with dressing on the side seem pretty depressing at the moment, huh? Have no fear. Take a bite or two or ten of your friend’s mac and cheese. Those calories don’t add up!
  8. When you’re really happy. Yay, you just got engaged! Yay, you just got that new job! Yay, after weeks of binge watching you’re all caught up with The Walking Dead! Whatever you’re celebrating, it should involve food. And no one celebrates a big event with an apple (unless it’s smothered in caramel and nuts!). Celebrate with that cupcake and worry about calories later.
  9. When your day was just TOO long. After a long day of work and then having to come home to attempt to write some pages of my thesis, the last thing on my mind is what healthy dinner I’m going to eat. I want something fattening and delicious so I can get some ounce of joy in this God forsaken day!
  10. When you’re eating your favorite food. If your favorite food is kale, then congratulations you have a healthy palate. But for most of us normal folk, our favorite food leans more towards the carby or sweet variety. So isn’t it great that calories don’t count when you eat your favorite food? So eat all the bacon you want without the fear of packing on the pounds!

*Please note that I am not actually a physician and none of these statements have been approved by an actual doctor. If you do get fat from eating all the samples at Costco, I cannot be held responsible.

Life is Really Hard Guys

Lifes-Tough-Get-a-Helmet-Boy-Meets-World

Last night I watched the documentary Happy Valley (about Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky, and Penn State Football) and was reminded how self-centered and ridiculous human beings can be. A student, who’s a huge fan of Penn State Football, was being interviewed. This student was complaining how hard it’s been to be a Penn State fan since the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Now whenever he tells anyone that he’s a fan he has to go through the process of also stating that he feels bad for the victims. So many boys were sexually assaulted but this dude has to defend his fandom. Life is really hard guys.

That example may be a bit extreme when talking about people being self-centered. A less extreme, but just as ridiculous, example was me last night.

Coming home from work I realized that my phone kept turning off, restarting, and then turning off again after about a minute. It kept repeating this process. As soon as I got home I called customer service. We tried some basic troubleshooting but nothing worked. IT informed me that they’d have to reset my phone and I’d lose everything on it. Contacts, photos, everything! After groaning and trying to hold back my tears, I told them I’d call back in an hour. I spent the next hour trying to write down all my contacts. Keep in mind I had to do this while my phone kept turning off every minute. I did all this only to find out I’d need to buy a new phone and would be phone-less for the next three days. This news made me sit back and actually say the words, “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” No it’s not! Sure I was hungry and tired, but that’s not an excuse. Being phone-less isn’t even in the top ten worst things that could happen to me.

We have become a bunch of complainers, and about the most ridiculous things. Here are just a few things we need to stop bitching about.

“My pizza is too hot to eat even though I told the guy at the counter to not leave it in the oven for too long.” Wah, I have hot food! This is soo difficult. Take several seats and wait the five minutes for the pizza to cool. Or eat it right away despite burning the roof of your mouth like the true fatty I know you are.

“I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom.” Now you have to shit without scrolling through facebook. Oh the horror!

“I was trying to take a screenshot but instead I turned the screen off.” I know it’s really important for you to immediately screenshot this conversation so you and your friend can decipher the real meaning behind that “k” text.

“Ugh, I have to sit through this 6-hour flight to California.” Poor baby, you have to sit through two viewings of Titanic in order to get yourself all the way across the friggen country. Read a book and enjoy your flight!

“I am trying to finish writing out this text but I keep hitting all the green lights.” You are complaining about catching green lights. I am so done with you!

“There’s no more guacamole for them to put on my burrito bowl.” OK, this one is legit. As far as end-of-the-world events go, this one is right up there with global warming. Is there some sort of avocado shortage that I’m not aware of? Get your shit together Chipotle. You should never be out of guacamole!