“It’s bad luck to kill spiders.”

“If I see a bug in my house, I’ll catch it so I can let it free outside.”

Just shut up! Take that hippie, we’re all God’s creatures, peace-loving nonsense somewhere else. Bugs are proof that the devil is real! “But Liz, many bugs are a vital part of our ecosystem.” Again, shut it!

The other night I was under attack. So normally I’m an old lady and I am in bed by 10 and asleep by 11. This particular night I stayed up late finishing up my book. It was one of those “I only have four chapters left, why stop now?” kind of nights. So it was 12:30 a.m. when I was finally ready to get some sleep. I left my bedroom and walked into my living room heading for the bathroom. I made it about two steps into the living room before I was stopped dead in my tracks. There was a bug about the size of my thumb chilling on my floor next to my couch. (I don’t have large hands. They are average-sized for someone who is 5’5. So while my thumb isn’t big for my hand, it’s fucking ginormous for a tiny creature chilling in my apartment.)

I immediately went into panic mode because a) bugs are my archnemesis, b) I never know how to properly deal with them, and c) I had no idea what kind of bug it was, which was the scariest thing of all. It was half cockroach, half praying mantis, and 100% devil spawn!

I geared up for battle. I grabbed some windex to slow the bastard down and put on socks and sneakers to squash him to death. I sprayed him with windex which didn’t do much. He just slid under the couch leaving me to go into full-on panic mode. Now, I can’t find the fucker. I pushed my couch this way and that but he didn’t come out. I started to fear that he slipped into the couch and I’d need to burn it. FINALLY, after pushing my couch all the way to the wall (at least my arms got a work out!), I saw him. I tossed away the windex since that didn’t do anything anyway and stomped on the little thing. I did the stomp and twist to make sure he’s really dead. If any of you are thinking, “Aw, poor guy,” again I have to tell you to shut it! This bitch came into my house uninvited!

So now he’s dead and in the garbage. My heart rate was starting to return back to normal. I was still freaking out a bit and planned do to a little Googling before I went to sleep to figure out what kind of bug it was.

So I lay down in my comfy bed, ready to finally get some rest. Then I saw it in the corner of my eye. There was another bug in my bed. IN MY BED! Is nothing sacred? This little shit was laying right next to my pillow. (To every person who said “Maybe he just wanted to keep you company” when you were told this story, I want to punch you in the face!) I shot out of bed and flailed around like I was on fire. I had no idea how to even kill this one. I didn’t want to do the whole sneaker and squash. He was on my bed. My sneakers walk on dirty floors all the time. Not a good combination.

I grabbed the hardest object on my bed: a textbook. (Since I started school, I sleep with my textbooks every night with all the intentions to finally do some work but then I wind up playing Candy Crush and falling asleep.) So I squish this new little bastard in between my pillow and my textbook. It works. He dies. The $100 textbook is finally put to good use!

That right there is the biggest con to living alone! That is the number one reason I would consider marrying someone. So he can kill any critter that dares to come into my house. Any potential male suitors, if you’re afraid of bugs, please walk away now. It won’t work. It’s not me, it’s you.

Clearly, I didn’t sleep in my house that night. I headed over to my sister’s place and started doing some research on what kind of bug had the audacity to come into my house not once, but twice! Turns out it was a cricket. A fucking cricket! That made me just feel like an asshole. Did I really go 28-years without knowing what a cricket looks like? “But Liz, haven’t you ever seen Pinocchio?” Yes I have. But I did not realize that in real life Jiminy Cricket is something out of a nightmare.

So on top of working, going to school, and now taking on a second job (apparently I have become a sadist who never wants to sleep again), I have been dealing with an army of crickets in my apartment.

The opening where we believe they have been entering has been closed up. The apartment has also been fogged out twice. If I still see another cricket in my house after all this, I may catch it and bring it in for research. Clearly, I have discovered some new species of bionic crickets.