Twentysomething

Twenty Thoughts I Have While Driving to and from Work

For most of my working life, I took public transportation. It wasn’t until very recently that I was able to drive to and from work. Overall, I love it. I like being in control. Not having to wait for a bus or train anymore is fantastic. And it’s wonderful to not deal with the eccentrics on public transportation. Eccentrics is putting it nicely. There are some absolute crazies on the trains in NYC.

I like driving to work. It gives me time to think and listen to music. But it does come with its own set of drawbacks. I ask myself regularly how some people managed to get their license.

Driving to and from work for the past six months has been quite the adventure so far. Here are some very real things I have said out loud or in my head while driving. (Full warning: A lot of it is just me bitching at other drivers.)

Why does the radio in the morning suck so much? I don’t care what you have to say. Shut up and play some music.
I take it back. Talk radio is the best. Time for my favorite segment of all time, Blown Off.*
What is this guy doing? Learn how to drive douchecake.
(Anytime someone cuts me off.) Ooohh, aren’t you just sooo cool?
(Singing.) Work, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work..I have no idea what she is singing…Work, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work.
Oh another Justin Bieber song on the radio. What a surprise!
Learn how to drive douchecake!
Ugh Demi Lovato. Talk radio come back if this is the shitty music you’re going to play.
Oh shit, is that a cop?
Ah it is! How fast was I going?
Act natural. Act natural. Act natural.
OK thank goodness, the cops are gone.
Dude, the cops are gone. No need to drive 40 miles on the highway.
What is with this traffic and why does it just come out of nowhere?
OK, and now the traffic is gone and we’re back to normal. I fully blame shitty drivers for the random spurts of traffic.
Learn how to drive douchecake!
OMG NO! The 1-877-Kars4Kidz commercial. I need to change this shit right now or I’ll have this song stuck in my head for the next month.
Oh yea! *Nsync! Time to have a dance party in my car.
There better be parking right by my job. It’s a million degrees outside and I don’t wanna walk far.
Learn how to drive douchecake!

So there you have it. My driving consists of a lot of nonsensical rambling and constantly bitching about drivers with the occasional singing thrown in the mix.

*Blown Off is where they find out what went wrong on a first date. So let’s say a guy totally ghosted on a girl and she doesn’t know why cause her impression of the first date was amazing. They’ll call the guy and ask what went wrong. It’s always fascinating to hear some of the things that have turned a person off during a date. I highly recommend you check it out.

What’s Been Happening the Past Two Months

So I haven’t kept up with my blogging. Shocking, I know! I am going to give credit to my girl Wendi over at This, That and the Other Thang for inspiring me to finally get back on the blogging track. (By the way, do yourself a favor and go follow her. She’s the best.)

This summer has been crazy busy for me. I can’t remember the last day where I had absolutely nothing planned and don’t know when my next free day will be. But I’m definitely not complaining. This summer has been insanely fun even when the heat’s become unbearable. (If we could stop with the 90 degree weather, that’d be great!)

Even though I’ve been really busy I want to stop neglecting this blog. But first I’d like to play some catch up with all the things that have been going on with me lately and all the ridiculous thoughts I’ve had.

Nothing made me realize just how old I am more than my most recent trip to Miami. I went to Miami for a bachelorette party two weeks ago. It was so much fun. I drank some awesome drinks, ate delicious food, and lounged by the beach/pool all day. All in all it was a fantastic vacation but oh boy did it take a lot out of me! Partying for three nights straight was more than my 30-year-old self could handle. I’m pretty sure I got all my partying out for the rest of 2016.

I climbed an actual mountain last month. Mount Tammany on the Delaware Water Gap to be exact. It was tiring and there were a few times while climbing up that I thought I was going to die but ultimately it was so worth it. The view was amazing and when we got back to the bottom there was a river where we could go swimming. While I despise exercising normally, I definitely think that climbing mountains could be my thing. If you don’t walk away from the new Ghostbusters a little in love with Kate McKinnon, I question whether you’re really human or not. Seriously though, go see the new Ghostbusters movie. The trailer doesn’t do it justice at all. It was highly entertaining and Kate McKinnon is AMAZING!!

I hate all of my family and friends on FB. If you think I may be referring to you, then I am definitely referring to you. Just SHUT UP! You are all idiots and absolutely no one cares about your political views. Also, let me introduce you to the site snopes.com. Let it become your new best friend.

Speaking of political rants, this entire election just leaves me sad and angry. I don’t want to get into it too much cause I don’t want to be like my dumb FB friends I was talking about before, but this election is just depressing. I genuinely fear for the country I live in.

And that’s what you missed. Well there’s definitely some other stuff going on but I’ll save those things for their own posts. For now I’m just happy to be back and can’t wait to start blogging again.

The Makings of a Great First Date

For all my complaining about dating (and there is a lot to complain about), even I can admit that first dates can be pretty magical sometimes. I’ll admit that they all start off with insane anxiety. “What do I wear? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him?” And there is a ton of reluctance. “I so don’t want to be doing this right now. Sitting on my couch watching Netflix sounds a million times more enticing than meeting some dude. I hope this goes by quickly.”

Unfortunately, nine out of ten times these feelings stay throughout the whole date. I have spent more first dates than I care to admit counting down the minutes until it’s not rude for me to leave. This dude wants to get another drink and I just want to take my bra off and finish season 1 of iZombie.

Now not to get all Nicholas Sparks on everyone but once in a blue moon, magic happens. It’s a terrifying and exciting thought that one day you will go on a first date that will be your last first date forever. You don’t know when this will happen and it will usually take months, even years before you realize that perfect first date was your last. But that’s a pretty amazing thought. You meet someone on a random Tuesday night for beers, when you didn’t even want to go, and they could potentially become one of the most important people in your life. That makes first dates pretty friggen amazing to me. (I am the ultimate romantic cynic if you haven’t noticed.)

And even if that person doesn’t turn out to be your number one forever, it doesn’t make the first date any less magical. The majority of first dates blow and do not lead to second dates so when you come across a first date that you don’t want to end, it’s something to celebrate.

From someone who has gone on her fair share of bad first dates, mixed with a few magical first dates, here are the ingredients needed for a stellar first encounter.

Enthusiasm is a Must – Now I know I said that I start off most first dates wishing I was on my couch watching TV. This is still true. It’s hard to muster up excitement about meeting a stranger who will most likely remain a stranger, but you have to have a little bit of excitement. If you’re absolutely miserable then it’s going to show. Let yourself get a little excited about the human being you’ll be meeting. If he turns out to be a complete bust, then by all means go back to being excited about Netflix.

Location Does Not Matter – You do not need some elaborate production when going on a first date. One of the best first dates I ever went on was sitting at the bar in a brightly lit Mexican restaurant nursing one beer. What made that date so memorable? It definitely wasn’t the locale. It was the three hours that flew by talking about everything and anything with my date.

Conversation – I am currently not on any online dating sites but when I was, OK Cupid was my app of choice. OKC had these series of questions that determined your compatibly with a user. One of the questions asked what was worse: having nothing to talk about or having no physical attraction on a first date? It always boggled my mind when guys would respond with no physical attraction. I’d rather get a root canal than go on a date with someone who I have absolutely nothing to talk about. (OK maybe not a root canal cause that was one of the worst experiences of my life but I just wanted you guys to fully grasp how much I HATE boring first dates.)

Physical Attraction – Now with a magical first date, you don’t have to have that OKC Sophie’s choice. You have great conversation AND physical attraction. Because as much as we like to say “looks don’t matter” and “it’s what’s inside that counts,” when it comes to dating, we all have to be a little shallow at times. It’s almost impossible to pursue a relationship with someone you don’t find attractive. Eventually you’ll have to do it sober and/or with the lights on.

Contact That Night – Before I get started, I have to ask: Do people still go by that three day rule? I can’t imagine. If I went on a date with a guy and three days went by without me hearing from him, I’d assume he’s either dead or not interested. Now when I go on a first date more than likely I am driving to wherever we are meeting up. I am not sure if you’re a serial killer so there’s no way I’m getting in your car. This means that when the date ends we’ll be going our separate ways to get home. This also means that “Did you get home OK?” text should be sent. People who text to make sure you got home OK are my favorite type of people and I will instantly like you 10 times more.

Excitement for What’s to Come – The truly best thing about a great first date is the possibilities it presents. Will these feelings still be there on the second date? What will it be like if and when we kiss? Where is this going to go? The beginning of a new relationship is such an exciting time and it all starts with a really great first date.

An Open Letter to 2016

The infrequency of my posting lets you know that I often struggle with coming up with ideas for new posts. So I think I need to start coming up with more themes. I already have Throwback Thursday, which I really need to start writing about again. Now I have a new feature that I’d like to introduce to everyone: An Open Letter. Because sometimes there are just people or things that I need to address with a strongly worded letter. I already did something like this when I wrote a letter to my 20-year-old self. Today’s open letter is directed towards 2016.

Dear 2016,

First of all, how dare you? I trusted you. I had high hopes for you. I truly believed that this was going to be a great year.

I already know what you’re going to say. “It’s only April. I still have so much left to offer.” ENOUGH! I don’t want to hear it. You have been one disappoint after the next. And you haven’t only fucked with me. Maybe if it was just me that you shit on, I could take it. But you’ve been disrespectful to my close family and friends. That’s where you’ve crossed the line.

It’s only May. We’ve only had four months of you and I already know plenty of people who are wishing for you to end.

That’s right! I am about to go on a Tyra-like rant on your sorry excuse for a year. You have to cut the shit. Sure life is supposed to be what you make it and we’re in charge of our own happiness. However, this is really hard to do when you keep getting in the way. I’m not going to get into details about all the things you’ve done to me and my friends and family. You’re fully aware.

This letter is me begging. Pleading. Please cut the shit. I’ve had enough. We’ve all had enough.

This is supposed to be a good year. It’s the year of the Summer Olympics. That’s one of my favorite things in the world and I have to wait every four years for it. That’s just one of the many things that was supposed to make you a great year. Don’t have us sitting here praying for 2017.

Just get your shit together. Or better yet just step back completely and let us live without pissing on our parade.

Sincerely,

Someone who wants to enjoy the last 8 months of this Godforsaken year!

P.S. If you could stop killing off iconic artists, that’d be great!

Things That People Love to Talk About Even Though Nobody Cares

This will come as a shock to no one but I find Facebook to be insufferable. I still have my FB account but I hardly ever use it anymore. I deleted the app from my phone and when I log on at work it’s mostly just to talk to people on messenger.

Facebook is filled with a bunch of annoying, stupid people talking about shit that no one cares about. (It’s also a constant reminder that everyone and their mother is getting engaged except for me but that’s another post altogether.)

There are certain topics that people love to voice their opinions to whoever will listen. These are topics that no one actually cares about yet people will still ramble on about. Here are some topics that if you ever feel the need to tell someone about quickly shove a sock in your mouth and lock yourself in a closet for a couple of hours because nobody cares.

Dieting – So do you want to hear what I had for lunch today? Wanna hear how many calories I consumed? No! No! Literally no one wants to hear about the healthy, green shit you had for lunch. If you ate at some amazing new restaurant that specializes in unique tacos, by all means please tell me about it. I’d love to hear about these tacos doused in hot sauce and guacamole. But if you want to tell me about the oatmeal you had for breakfast and the salad with dressing on the side for lunch, I’ll take a pass. Eat your salad, be sad about it, and shut up.

Exercising – This tends to coincide with the dieting phenomenon. You start eating salads and going to the gym and suddenly you won’t shut the hell up. There are those people who genuinely believe that if you don’t let FB know you went to the gym then the workout doesn’t really count. All those calories you burned are for nothing because you forgot to check in. For shame!

Dreams – People LOVE talking about their dreams. They love telling a person every little detail about their dream and then asking what the dream could possibly mean. So in your dream you were a giraffe and you made out with the human version of Joe Biden. You want me to try to make sense of that? I dunno, maybe it means that you’re a freaking weirdo. But wanna know what I do know? I know that I don’t care about what you saw in your dreams while you were sleeping. We’re all narcissistic. The only time someone wants to hear about what happened in your dreams is if you dreamed about them. If that’s not the case, keep it to your dream diary.

Politics – #FeeltheBern #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #DoesHillaryEvenHaveACatchphrase #ShutUp #NobodyGivesAShitWhoYoureVotingFor
Politics is one of the main reasons I needed to delete my FB app and minimize the amount of time I spent on the shitty site. This political season in America has been especially nauseating and it seems to have brought out the worst in people. (People that I normally love and cherish.) I never realized before how many of my friends and family are political experts. It was quite the shock to me. News Flash: None of you are political experts and most of you actually know nothing about politics. So please kindly keep your political views to yourself because NOBODY CARES!

*Please note that none of this applies to me when it comes to blogging. I recently booked a trip to Miami so I’ll have plenty of tales about my attempts at dieting and exercising. I may bring Throwback Thursday back just so I can tell you about the dream I had where 50 Cent tried to kill me. (This is a very real dream that still haunts me to this day.) And if Donald Trump somehow becomes president this November, there will be plenty of bitching from me.

Rejection Doesn’t Mean You Failed

Some of you may feel as though the title of this page is incorrect. How could rejection not equate to failure? Well, not to be rude but some of you people are completely wrong.

Rejection does not mean that you failed. Rejection means that you tried. Rejection means that you took a chance. Rejection means that you stepped out of your comfort zone. Rejection means that you went for something that you wanted. Even if you didn’t get it, the rejection doesn’t negate all the risks you took going for it.

Failure is never taking a chance. Failure is living a life of comfort because you’re afraid of trying anything new. Failure is never allowing yourself to love for fear that you may get your heartbroken. Failure is thinking of everything that could go wrong when an opportunity presents itself so you talk yourself out of it.

But most importantly, failure is allowing rejection to cause you to never take another chance again. To stop it from pursuing your goals and what you really want in life. That’s what real failure looks like.

Rejection and failure are what make life worth living. If you go through life never facing rejection and failure then you probably don’t live life to the fullest. Life is all about making the most of it. Taking chances. Living on the edge. Avoiding all that life has to offer because you want the comfortable route or don’t want to fail is no way to live.

Some of the most successful people in the world have faced rejection. Kerry Washington, Emmy-nominated actress of Scandal, was fired from two previous pilots before things clicked. Oprah Winfrey, yes THAT Oprah Winfrey, was fired from her first TV Job as an anchor. Walt Disney himself was fired from a newspaper because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Stephen King’s classic Carrie was rejected by 30 different publishers causing him to almost throw in the towel.

Rejection is a part of life. The thing that turns rejection into failure is how you react to it. Here are a few quotes that remind us all that rejection could potentially be the best thing to ever happen to us.

“I think it’s important to have a good hard failure when you’re young. I learned a lot out of that. Because it makes you kind of aware of what can happen to you. Once you’ve lived through the worst, you’re never quite as vulnerable afterward….You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” – Walt Disney
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy
“Giving up is the only sure way to fail.” – Gena Showalter
“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“There is no failure except in no longer trying.” – Chris Bradford
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison
“Winners are not afraid of losing. But losers are. Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.” – Robert T. Kiyosaki
“Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. It is the ability to resist failure or use failure that often leads to greater success. I’ve met people who don’t want to try for fear of failing.” – J.K. Rowling
“I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you’re good at.” – Louis C.K.
“I don’t understand a way to work other than bold-facedly running towards failure.” – Cate Blanchett

I wrote this post with a special person in mind. A person who took a huge chance and while it didn’t work out needs to be reminded that great things are sill to come!

Dating Shouldn’t Be This Exhausting

I’m tired.

I’m tired of the first dates. I’m tired of the same conversations over and over again. I’m tired of making online dating profiles. I’m tired of sorting through dating profiles. I’m tired of waiting for a text back. I’m tired of trying to decode what the text means when I finally receive it. I’m tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down.

I’m tired.

I don’t know when dating became this exhausting. Before last year I had taken a significant break from dating. I went on a few first dates here and there but hardly ever a second one. I did date one boy for a few months but it never went anywhere. He was a great guy and we got along well. However, it was more of a friendship as I never had any physical or romantic feelings for him. For about two years, I was mostly out of the dating scene. And overall I was happy and carefree. I didn’t have much to stress over.

Then early February of last year I met a boy. I’ve spoken about this boy before. He was the one who cooked for me and had GREAT hair. He was awesome and I pushed him away. Right after that I met another boy longterm readers should be familiar with. The infamous almost relationship boy. He was trouble from the beginning and gave me more stress than I could handle. Then in the very ending of December I met a boy who seemed like he could change my ways and outlook when it comes to dating. Turns out he couldn’t. (After writing that ridiculously corny “things are different this time” post, I was honestly embarrassed to write about things not working out. But this is a blog about my life and sometimes in life things don’t work out.) He strung me along for much longer than necessary cause he was too much of a child to admit that he didn’t want to date anymore.

I can’t help but feel like dating needs to be easier than this. When did it get so complicated? When I was on my dating hiatus, I would randomly feel lonely and long for someone. But these feelings were fleeting and never lasted. After going about a year and a half with almost always having someone in my life, I question whether dating is really worth all this effort.

I recently finished reading Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari.* It had a lot of great insight into the modern dating scene. One thing that really stuck with me is that it seems that we all want the same thing yet do the complete opposite. Most people are looking for a real relationship without any games. They want to be honest with their partner and expect the same. However, in reality this is not how people act when it comes to dating at all. It seems that we’ve lost all basic human decency when it involves dating. We forget that behind that text message or dating profile is a real-life person with feelings and ideas.

Why can’t we just be honest with one another? Sure no one likes to be blown off. But do you know what’s a lot worse than being blown off? Completely being cut off without any explanation. Why can’t we just respond to a text when we see it? Enough of the waiting game.

I don’t know when or how dating became this difficult but I do know that I’m exhausted from it. I need a break. Maybe when and if I decide to re-enter the dating scene, I’ll be a little nicer and so will the people I come across.

*I highly recommend this book to anyone, whether you’re single or in a relationship. It’s funny and insightful. I also randomly found myself reading passages in Aziz’s voice which was so entertaining.

Dating Advice From Someone Who Is Horrible at It

As you all know, I’m not so great at this whole dating thing. Never have been, probably never will be. I don’t see myself becoming the next host of the Millionaire Matchmaker anytime soon. (Actually, considering that the host of a friggen matchmaking show is single maybe I could!) I spent a large portion of my 20’s dating and making a lot of mistakes. But along the way I learned a lot. I’ve always been better at giving other people advice but not being able to give myself the same advice.

As it always seems to go, a lot of my friends have come to me for relationship/dating advice. I never understood it really. It’s like asking the vegan what’s the best way to grill a steak. But I liked it. Hearing others’ experiences in dating and giving my own perspective, has also helped me learn a lot about my own dating life.

So I have decided to bestow some of my words of wisdom to you, my loyal readers. Please keep in mind that I do not claim to be an expert at dating. (I admit to being horrible at it right in the title.) But these are just some of the things I’ve learned along the way dating and hearing about the adventures in my friends’ dating life. Also, all of this stuff is coming from my personal experiences. I am not excluding people on purpose but I feel as though I can only give proper dating advice to girls dating boys. It’s all I know.

Sex is and isn’t a big deal. When you’re first dating someone, a lot of emphasis is put on sex. Just do a quick Google search of the phrase “when should I sleep with the guy I’m dating?” You’ll get a million hits. And every single article will have a different time frame. As confusing as this may sound, my thoughts on sex when it comes to dating is that it’s a big deal but in the same sense, it isn’t. When you’re dating someone new, sex is just another part of getting to know them. You should never be using sex as a way to get something that you want in a relationship, i.e. him making things official. But sex also does change the dynamics of a relationship. If you’re already liking someone, the feelings may very well get deeper after you have sex. You need to be prepared for that. In the end, no one can tell you when you should sleep with someone except for you. Just do it when you feel comfortable, and ONLY when you’re comfortable.

Do not get trashed on a first date. This is coming from someone who loves her alcohol. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. However, getting drunk on a first date is never a good look. And this goes for both guys and girls. Have a drink or two to settle your nerves but keep the sloppy drunkenness for at least the third date.

If there’s nothing there, you can’t force it. This past year I implemented a two-dates and then I’m done rule for myself. I do believe that you can sometimes be unsure about a person after a first date. You feel like there may be something but you’re not sure. There’s nothing wrong with going on that second date to find out. However, if after that second date you’re still not sure, it’s best to just end things. You cannot force feelings. If they’re not there, they’re not there. Forcing it is unfair to the person you’re dating and to yourself.

Don’t string someone along cause you’re bored and/or lonely. This is just wrong on so many levels but I feel as though we’ve all been guilty of doing this at least once. Even if we lied to ourselves and claimed we really liked the person. No, you just like the attention they’re giving you. I’ll go back to my previous point: if you’re still not feeling it after the second date, cut ties.

Go into your own wallet every once in awhile. This may be an unpopular opinion and you all may not agree with me but I’m going to say it anyway. I think the guy should pay on the first date. Even if the girl does the whole “would you like some money?,” it’s just to be polite. She doesn’t actually want you take her money. Now with that being said, your man shouldn’t be paying for every single thing, every single time. If you’re both working, there is no excuse for you not to dip into your wallet even once the entire time you’re dating.

There’s nothing wrong with meeting a potential spouse online. I have this friend who is obsessed with the perfect love story. She wants some epic tale of how her and her husband met that she can one day tell her grandkids. It’s a great idea but usually doesn’t work that way. Do you really think you’re going to fall in the middle of the street and right before a taxi runs you over, a Ryan Gosling look-a-like is going to scoop you up in his arms and save your life? Sorry, this isn’t a Nicholas Sparks movie. More and more people are meeting their significant others online and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The majority of single people these days probably have at least one dating profile, most have more than one.

Rejection is just a part of dating. I am going to be blunt here: not everyone is going to like you. Have you liked every person you’ve ever come across? Have you ever come across a guy who seemed really cool and even thought he was cute but felt absolutely nothing for him romantically? These things happen. And they are going to happen to you. You shouldn’t take it personally. Just move on because there is a guy out there that will realize just how amazing you are.

Having standards is one thing but being too picky is not good. Keep your standards. Don’t settle for a dud just because you’re scared you’re going to wake up one day at the age of 50, alone, with a dozen cats. There are some things that you shouldn’t compromise with in a relationship. However, there is a such thing as being too picky. The guy you’re dating isn’t perfect and neither are you. Don’t drop him the second you discover something you don’t like about him.

The “What are we” talk isn’t all that important. You’ve been dating a guy for a little while now and things have been going great. He texts you and makes time to hang out with you when he’s not working. It’s obvious that he’s into you. The only thing that hasn’t happened yet is the “Where is this going” chat. That’s fine. There’s no need to bring that up when it’s early in a relationship if it’s pretty obvious where you stand.

But if you’re feeling unsure/uncomfortable about something, speak up. If you find yourself constantly questioning where you stand with a guy or feel that things have suddenly changed, then speak up. You have the right to know if you guys are on the same page or if you’re wasting your time. A conversation like this can be scary and you may not always get the response you’d like but it’s always better to bring it up sooner rather than later.

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Make Adult Decisions

So as you all know, I recently found an apartment and moved into my new digs on February 15th. I bet you’re all wondering how it’s been going. I know you guys can’t sleep at night thinking about poor Liz from Am I Thirty? and her apartment troubles. Well things have not been going so great. The apartment has been a hot mess since day one.

For starters, the apartment was an absolute mess when I first moved in. Now I got this apartment in an interesting way. My brother-in-law’s friend used to live there before he got married. My brother-in-law had his friend check with the landlords to see if it was still available. Sadly, it wasn’t. The landlords had just rented it out to a young couple. Naturally, I was pissed. This young couple are taking the next step and moving in together but I’m still stressing about getting a text back. But I was also pissed cause finding an apartment is definitely in one of the nine circles of Hell. These assholes got to it first, putting me back at square one.

But the apartment Gods were on my side. My brother-in-law gave me the landlord’s information cause the apartment was unexpectedly available again. Turns out the young couple taking the next step in their relationship didn’t work out. (My current landlord is incredibly talkative so I know all the details.) Apparently the landlord heard the couple fighting at three in the morning. The girlfriend was calling the boyfriend a liar and saying that she saw the text messages. Girlfriend’s family drives down from Massachusetts the next day, packs up all her stuff, and that’s the end of that young couple. Clearly the boyfriend is too devastated from being an idiot and not deleting his text messages so he decides he wants to move out. This worked out for me in more way than one. 1. I finally had an apartment to move into. 2. The whole story reminded me just why relationships are not worth the trouble.

However, the boyfriend still lived at the apartment for a few weeks after his girlfriend left him high and dry. And he was very clearly wallowing in his own self pity. The apartment looked as though he wiped his piss all over the walls and would randomly vomit on the floors. It was a mess. I don’t even want to attempt to describe to you what the toilet looked like. I don’t want to give you guys nightmares.

So I spent the first week and a half at my new place not actually sleeping there and just scrubbing every inch of the place when I was there. Then I needed to make some serious adult decisions. Do you have any idea how many things are needed to put together an apartment?! This isn’t the first time I’ve moved out on my own but the other times I had most of the essentials that are needed. This time around I needed EVERYTHING!

Furnishing an entire apartment from scratch taught me a lot. It taught me that I know NOTHING!

Here are just a few of the thoughts I’ve had and things I’ve done while putting together this apartment that prove I should not be allowed to make adult decisions without a more real adult watching over me.

When I was preparing to clean, I thought it was wise to buy paper towels from the Dollar store. This was not a good idea. They fell apart within five minutes and somehow managed to make the cabinets even dirtier.
I have no idea how to properly clean a bathroom without wanting to vomit every five minutes.
Why are garbage cans so expensive? They just hold dirty crap! They should not be over 100 dollars!
Buying a mattress is a hard decision and it’s not something that should be done online. I feel like most intelligent adults know this. Unfortunately for myself, I am not an intelligent adult. I bought a mattress online from Sleepy’s and it was a mess. I tried to go for a deal but I did go with a mattress that got decent reviews so I thought it’d be OK. Well the mattress came and it was the width of a mattress that would normally go on a cot. I should have known when the website said the height was 6 inches. I thought 6 inches was substantial. I was wrong. You ever have a 6″ sandwich from Subway. It’s basically like eating air. I got the 6″ Subway sandwich of mattresses.
I am a 12-year-old posing as a 30-year-old. I cannot sleep in my own apartment without leaving the television on. And my first night sleeping there, I had a nightmare and woke up at 4 in the morning freaked out.
Bedrooms sets are another extremely difficult purchase and insanely expensive. I also have no idea how to properly purchase bedroom sets. I finally found a bedroom set I really liked online so I used my brand new credit card with no interest for 21 months (SCORE!) to make the purchase. The bedroom set comes and I find out that it has no bed frame. It’s just a headboard. It’s rather difficult to put together a bed/bedroom without a friggen bed frame!
Shopping for one person is the hardest thing you will ever do. (I still have no idea how much chicken will feed a family of one for a week.) That probably explains why my fridge consists of one rotisserie chicken, a tomato, and four bottles of wine.
I am still living off paper plates and utensils but I have enough wine glasses in my apartment to entertain a party of 12. Clearly my priorities are in order.

So my apartment may still be a complete hot mess and I don’t see this changing anytime soon, but you all are more than welcome to come over. There’s no shortage of chicken and wine. And really what more could you want from a party?!

A Letter to My 20-Year-Old Self

So tomorrow is the big day! The day this entire blog was written about. I turn 30! Turning 30 has made me think a lot about what it was like when I was turning 20 and saying goodbye to my teens. I didn’t handle it very well. There were panic attacks and I actually wet the bed the night of my birthday. (This is a true story and maybe I’ll tell you lucky people about it in another post.)

For now, let’s go back to poor, little 20-year-old Liz. She was not excited about leaving her teens behind her and entering her twenties. Current Liz still isn’t 100% sure on what she wants with her life and the direction it is going to take. But 20-year-old Liz might as well have been on another planet. She didn’t even know what hairstyle worked best for her face or how to put on eyeliner. She was a lost soul who needed a lot of guidance.

Now being a wise, almost 30-year-old (that was oozing with sarcasm in case you didn’t realize), there is so much I would like to tell my 20-year-old self. I would just like to remind her that her twenties are not going to be as fabulous as she can imagine but they are also not as horrible as they will sometimes feel.

Dear 20-year-old Liz,

Hey girl! It’s me (you) the day before you turn 30! Yep, you live for at least another ten more years. Congratulations! I’m sure you have a shit ton of questions for me. Sorry, I can’t answer all of them. I don’t wanna spoil the entire next ten years for you. But here’s a few bits of advice (mixed with some spoilers) that I really wish I had heard way back then.

I want to start off by telling you that you’re not old. Not even in the slightest. Every birthday these next ten years will for some reason fill you with dread. Just stop and enjoy it! There’s nothing old about being in your early twenties.

I know you’ve always been a pretty anxious person but it’s just going to get a lot worse. Sorry! But you do find little tricks that help with your anxiety. Whenever it gets too bad, remember to take a deep breath. Steadying your breathing really helps. A glass of wine is always a great thing when your anxiety hits you at night. (Don’t make that gagging face. You learn to love wine. It’s so much better than that gross soco and lime shit you drink now.) Don’t wait so long to go see a doctor about the issue. There’s nothing to be ashamed of and you’re going to feel a lot better once you go. When all else fails, go for a drive. Driving does wonders to calm your nerves. (Spoiler: you FINALLY get your license!)

Stop fighting with Pam and Jeannie so much. You guys are going to go through so many dumb fights these next ten years and go through significant periods of not speaking. It’s never worth it. You always make up and you guys remain as close as ever. You’re stuck with each other for life. Even if you were to get married tomorrow (Spoiler: you’re not getting married tomorrow), your friendship with Pam and Jeannie will most likely be the longest relationship you’ll have in your life. Be nicer to one another.

I am sorry for this part because I know you’re not an idiot so you will know exactly why I am saying this. But I can’t hold it in, and need you to know. Hang out with Grandma as much as you can. I know you already spend a lot of time with her, but do more. It’s never going to feel like you spent enough time with her. Watch more TV with her, write down more of her recipes, watch her cook, give her tons of hugs.

I know you’re freaking out right now and stressed about a lot of things. I wish I could tell you that it all gets better and by the time you’re thirty all your dreams have come true. They haven’t. In a lot of ways you’re just as confused about life as you were back then. But in SOOO many ways things are a lot better.

Work and school is freaking you out at the moment. And it’s going to be a problem for you for the majority of the next ten years. But I can let you know that things get SO much better. It takes awhile and you’re going to go through a lot of shit jobs, but by this point, you’re going to have a job you absolutely love. It’s true! You’re going to enjoy going to work every morning. I won’t spoil all the fun and tell you what it is but you wind up being incredibly happy in your career.

At 20 your love life is in shambles. Things get better there. Only about 10% better but that’s still something. You do learn a lot about dating in your twenties. Don’t stress so much and overanalyze every little thing that happens with a guy you’re dating. Trust me, most of the time there isn’t some hidden meaning behind a guy’s text message. Stop feeling so uncomfortable when taking your clothes off in front of a guy. You are NOT fat! And even when your stomach starts to get a few extra pounds, no guy cares. You are never going to come across a guy who stops talking to you after seeing you naked. Embrace your body. Don’t force things with a guy you don’t like but at the same time, stop being so picky. Keep the standards you have but don’t run the second you notice one tiny thing you don’t like about a guy. It pretty much takes you the whole ten years of your twenties to learn these things. I wish I had learned them a lot sooner.

I wish I could tell you that when you’re thirty you have an awesome apartment in the city, a job paying 6 figures, and a gorgeous husband. You don’t have any of these things. (I’ll give you a moment to cry about this tragedy.)

Now here’s the thing you need to know about all those things. They’re nice but they are not what make a happy life. Here’s what you do have by the time you’re thirty: a job you absolutely love and that provides you enough money to live on your own; amazing friends who are there for you when you need them; a wonderful relationship with your sisters; a better understanding of what you do and do not want when dating; and confidence in yourself and your abilities like you could have never imagined before.

I won’t sugar coat it, your twenties are going to be rough. There are going to be so many ups and downs. But embrace both the good times and the bad times. You will learn so much about yourself and the things you want in life. And don’t spend the whole decade stressing about the big 3-0. It’s not nearly as painful as you can imagine it.

Good luck and enjoy your twenties!

Love,

30-year-old Liz

P.S. I can’t stress this enough. Please give Grandma several giant hugs from me!

Am I Thirty Yet

Hopefully by the time I'm thirty I'll have this all figured out.