I am going to apologize in advance for the tone of today’s blog. I know you guys are used to my humorous posts that are never serious, but I just cannot provide you with that today. Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother’s death. Losing her was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. My grandmother wasn’t just the “little old lady handing out butterscotch candies from her purse” type. She was my favorite person in the entire world. My best friend. Whether something good or bad happened, she was the first person I would want to talk to. She was extraordinary. I credit so much of who I am today to her.
When she passed away last year after an almost year long battle with lung cancer, I was devastated. I didn’t know how to deal with it and I am still trying to figure it out. So many people were there to give me words of condolences. And while their words didn’t succeed in making me feel better, it was nice to know I had people there for me.
But no one could really prepare me for what I’d go through dealing with the death of my grandmother.
No one told me that my anxiety would get worse than it’s ever been before. That I would constantly think of things to agonize over as though my brain were trying to distract me from the real issues I had to deal with.
No one told me just how much I would struggle with my own faith. I am not a religious person and have never been sure of what happens when someone passes. But after my grandmother’s death, it was all I could think about. I envy people who truly believe that she is in a better place.
No one told me how true Anya’s fruit punch speech from Buffy is. Any new recipe I ever try, my grandmother won’t be able to be a taste tester. She’ll never be able to watch another episode of Downton Abbey.
No one told me that I will get these urges where I want to talk about my grandmother constantly but never actually have the nerve to bring her up.
No one told me that the first time I go almost a whole day without thinking about my grandmother, I would feel incredibly guilty.
No one told me that I’d soon realize going a whole day without thinking about my grandmother is impossible. She was so much a part of my life that it’s difficult for her not to pop up in my head eventually.
No one told me how much I would miss hearing her laugh. That the pain from missing her would be almost unbearable at times.
No one told me that even now I will be doing fine and then all of a sudden find myself crying.
No one told me that the first year after her death would be the longest year of my life.
And lastly, no one told me that I’d miss her just as much, if not more, a year later. The death of my grandmother is something I will never get over. Sure I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve laughed. I’ve had fun. I’ve enjoyed life. But there will always be something missing that can never be replaced.
Am I Thirty Yet 
I know the feeling…I found myself in your words…it’s more than a year for me, but the pain of losing my grandmother it’s very real and present…Time never heals, just makes the sadness easier to bare. You wrote so beautiful, with so much sensibility and I believe with all my heart that your grandmother is very proud of you. A love like you and her shared never goes away, no matter how long is the journey that keeps you two apart.
My warmest hugs ,
Carissa
Thank you so much for your kind words Carissa. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
Oh, Liz. I’m so sorry for your grief. I know it’s really tough. One day at a time is all you can do. I know your grandmother is proud of the person you’ve become with her influence. I know I’d be proud if I helped someone I love to find themselves and be honest, caring, hard-working, and fun! ~Gerri
*lips twitching*
Envy those who believe in “they become stars after death”. I swear I tried fixing a bright star after my grandfather took off (still cant use passed away) a year back. I lost that star in that sky full of stars. Just nothing helps.
Aww, took off. I like that a lot better than passed away. Sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
Excellent post…the tears are coming down at the moment…I lost my dad 14 and my mother 10 years ago…and I am telling you, I have my days when I say to myself, “Oh, I have to tell….oh, I can’t” 😦 I will say that when my dad passed, we would get orbs that zipped on by us, my mother would get hugs, my daughter would get a funny sensation on her hand and I would get taps on my shoulder…we knew beyond a doubt that it was my dad. Then after my mom passed, I expected it to continue. Nothing. Dad apparently had been waiting for Mom. I remember going outside and looking up at the sky and literally shouting..”WHERE ARE YOU! What about me?! You can’t leave me…PLEASE!)
It’s all a learning process and a painful one at that…take the time you need and keep learning, keep open and keep loving. Sending a hug!
Aw, thank you so much for the comment and the kind words. It definitely is a learning process losing someone and we all deal with it differently. It’s true what they say that you have to take it one day at a time. So sorry for the loss of your parents.
I feel ya. My grandmother passed away 8 years ago and I think about her constantly. Eventually, it gets easier, but you never forget and that’s okay. Sending you my love today. ❤
Sorry about the loss of your grandmother. The pain definitely never goes away. It just gets easier to deal with.
This post could not have come at a better time. My father died Thursday, and I can relate to just about everything you wrote here. Especially the part about questioning your faith (which you already know, having commented on some of my more recent posts). I followed you for your humor, yes, but this post was just what I needed right now. Thank you 🙂
Oh Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts are with you!
Today was a hard day emotionally. Love you Liz!
Oh hon, I am so sorry to hear about your grandma. Whether it’s been a day, a week, a year or twenty, losing someone your love so dearly is never easy and the pain and grief never truly go away. I lost my grandma to lung cancer almost 12 years ago now and not a minute goes by that I don’t think of her. She was actually the one who inspired me to become the passionate reader I am. Your words were so beautiful and heart-felt and I know without a doubt in my mind that your grandma would be so proud of you, that’s she’s smiling down on you know with a big smile on her face. It’s so important to never forget those moments that you had with her the memories that will always be very present and real. Thinking of you, sweetie! ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. And sorry about your grandma. My grandma is the one who inspired my passion for reading as well.
My Grandma died 8 years ago a few months before I got married. I’m mostly ok but when looking through a pile of old photos I came across a photo of her and couldn’t stop crying. It gets easier but never goes away.
You’re in my thoughts.
So sorry about your grandma. I feel like I’m like that too. I’m OK for the most part and don’t cry every day. But then sometimes I’ll come across a photo or hear a song or think of a specific memory and start crying.
Reblogged this on elizairaandes07's Blog.
My sympathies, I can only imagine how hard that must be. I do not have any close relatives but I shudder to think of the moment when any of my close friends or immediate family members passes. I already have a difficult enough time coping with things, I can’t imagine losing someone close to me. I am not sure if this really works, but imagining how she would want you to handle her death seems like it would be helpful!
Thanks for the comment! That definitely can help. Cause it’s easy to fall into a funk and not want to do anything. But I need to remember that that’s not what my grandmother would want. She’d want me to go on with my life and enjoy it.
It’s been 12 years and I think about my Gran every day…not when I look in the mirror but when I see where my feet are standing. Because of her I have crossed oceans, fear no challenge and have crazy ideas on a regular basis. Maybe she is not beside me but she lives inside my very being. She made me who I am and she would kick my ass if she saw me not doing anything about such a wondrous gift as that. Be brave sweetie – find her spirit within your tears.
This was a really wonderful comment. It’s so great that your grandmother still influences you on a daily basis so much. I feel the same way about my grandma. Thanks for the comment!