Dating Shouldn’t Be This Exhausting

I’m tired.

I’m tired of the first dates. I’m tired of the same conversations over and over again. I’m tired of making online dating profiles. I’m tired of sorting through dating profiles. I’m tired of waiting for a text back. I’m tired of trying to decode what the text means when I finally receive it. I’m tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down.

I’m tired.

I don’t know when dating became this exhausting. Before last year I had taken a significant break from dating. I went on a few first dates here and there but hardly ever a second one. I did date one boy for a few months but it never went anywhere. He was a great guy and we got along well. However, it was more of a friendship as I never had any physical or romantic feelings for him. For about two years, I was mostly out of the dating scene. And overall I was happy and carefree. I didn’t have much to stress over.

Then early February of last year I met a boy. I’ve spoken about this boy before. He was the one who cooked for me and had GREAT hair. He was awesome and I pushed him away. Right after that I met another boy longterm readers should be familiar with. The infamous almost relationship boy. He was trouble from the beginning and gave me more stress than I could handle. Then in the very ending of December I met a boy who seemed like he could change my ways and outlook when it comes to dating. Turns out he couldn’t.  (After writing that ridiculously corny “things are different this time” post, I was honestly embarrassed to write about things not working out. But this is a blog about my life and sometimes in life things don’t work out.) He strung me along for much longer than necessary cause he was too much of a child to admit that he didn’t want to date anymore.

I can’t help but feel like dating needs to be easier than this. When did it get so complicated? When I was on my dating hiatus, I would randomly feel lonely and long for someone. But these feelings were fleeting and never lasted. After going about a year and a half with almost always having someone in my life, I question whether dating is really worth all this effort.

I recently finished reading Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari.* It had a lot of great insight into the modern dating scene. One thing that really stuck with me is that it seems that we all want the same thing yet do the complete opposite. Most people are looking for a real relationship without any games. They want to be honest with their partner and expect the same. However, in reality this is not how people act when it comes to dating at all. It seems that we’ve lost all basic human decency when it involves dating. We forget that behind that text message or dating profile is a real-life person with feelings and ideas.

Why can’t we just be honest with one another? Sure no one likes to be blown off. But do you know what’s a lot worse than being blown off? Completely being cut off without any explanation. Why can’t we just respond to a text when we see it? Enough of the waiting game.

I don’t know when or how dating became this difficult but I do know that I’m exhausted from it. I need a break. Maybe when and if I decide to re-enter the dating scene, I’ll be a little nicer and so will the people I come across.

*I highly recommend this book to anyone, whether you’re single or in a relationship. It’s funny and insightful. I also randomly found myself reading passages in Aziz’s voice which was so entertaining.

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40 comments

  1. Interesting thoughts. I believe that we do what we do when it comes to dating is due to the feeling of being rejected, of being “not our best selves” that we try to put out there to impress the other person. As a result, we pretend not to try, not to care when in person (I admit, I am very guilty when it comes to this).

    Depends on you, but dating shouldn’t be obligatory; it should come naturally through social/casual relationships with friends and acquaintances. The problem with dating today with social media apps is that it is too forced- these apps are specifically designed for dating, without factoring in other things like getting to know each other (sans the romantic tension) and all. Perhaps I’m a cynic (hey, what do you know!), but I believe that dating isn’t what everyone needs to strive for, especially when one can feel loved with friends, family, the community.

    Good luck with all of this!

    1. Great comment and some really good points. I don’t think that dating is mandatory. There are a lot of other ways to feel loved. And I am very lucky that I have friends and family that love me. However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, relationship love is something that I want. I just wish it was a whole lot easier to come by.

  2. I feel the same exact way. And I’m definitely going to read that book!! Dating is hard, it’s exhausting, and it takes an extreme amount of effort. I feel like it should be easier so I’ve just given up. I can’t keep up with all the apps, the small talk, the first dates, and uncomfortable conversations it’s soooo tiring.

    1. Dating really is just too much 95% of the time. I am with you on the giving up. Maybe I’ll come back to it eventually but right now I need a break. And you should definitely check out Modern Romance. It’s great.

  3. I have been in your shoes and it sucks. I was so fed up with dating and I told myself multiple times that I was just going to give up and let go from the dating scene. It is exhausting and frustrating. I completely get it.

    I think you need to do what’s best for you and in a weird way do give up in a way. When I met my boyfriend I had so many walls up and I had to get into the habit of realizing that being myself and being honest was respected by him. I had so many relationships where I had to be hard to get or play games and it was so refreshing when I could say to my boyfriend exactly what I wanted. It’s easier said than done, especially if you’ve only had experiences with other partners.

    What I’m trying to say is, that as an avid reader of your blog, that you deserve to be yourself and be less exhausted while dating. I wish there were non-cliches I could tell you but I can’t tell you anything you haven’t heard before. Just know, that I get it, you’re definitely not alone. I love your honesty, because I know how hard it can be when a relationship doesn’t work out. Someone will appreciate you, I just wish I could tell you when, cause it’s definitely going to happen for ya.

    1. I always love your comments. They have a way of making me feel better. Thanks! I think at the moment a break and essentially giving up is what I need. I’m not saying I’m going to give up forever but right now I’m too burned out from dating that even if I met someone worthwhile, I’d probably ruin it with all the bitterness I have at the moment.

  4. Preach, woman!!! I spent the past two days wallowing in bed, hating myself over a guy who I thought was perfect for me. He never responds to my messages and I’m just fed up. Fuck em’ all! -_-

    1. Aww sorry to hear that Tina. I’m really at a loss at this point. I am totally with you. I wind up just hating myself for thinking that things will finally be different this time when they never are.

  5. Dating is a part-time job. If you want it. LOL. Breaks are good to get perspective and just live your life (uncomplicated)…and be you…which is really a gift we sometimes miss on the dating treadmill. After I don’t know how many 1st and 2nd dates and silly little “relationships” and internet “dating,” I fall firmly into the category of singles not so much looking for a partner as I am available to the right man. But definitely not putting much energy into “looking”…just enjoying my life.

  6. Pretty sure your feelings are widespread due to the upcoming annual “fuck online dating day ((April 3rd))”. Remember back on January 3rd “most popular online dating day”?? Well we are approaching the date in which all those 3 month subscriptions are about to run out, dreams dashed, dozens of failed dates, time & money wasted – so don’t fret, its just the onslaught of “fuck online dating day”.

  7. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We live in a world where people I told not to speak their mind because of fear of offending. I personally feel like we have moved from being a nation where inclusion is so important, that no one is allowed to stand up and speak their mind. No one is allowed to tell the truth, because let’s face it, the truth will hurt someone. The only thing that has changed though is that people speak their mind in more passive aggressive ways like: not communicating how they feel, cutting you off, etc.
    Good post!!

    1. We need to go back to speaking our minds. I don’t know where this trend of ending relationships by not saying anything came from, but it needs to stop. The purpose is to not offend someone or hurt them but it does the opposite. Getting ghosted by someone you’ve been dating for awhile is one of the most frustrating things that could happen to a person.

  8. If only there were a dating site called “Let’s be REAL friends first and then maybe we can talk about dating. Maybe.” My current and best relationship is with someone who was initially a good friend. Once we actually decided to date, all the small talk was years in the past. Plus, there wasn’t a lot of the horrible “ahhh what is he thinking??” because I knew him well enough to at least have a vague idea of what was going on in his head. Although waaayy easier said than done, I’d definitely advocate for team “friends first.” I’ll work on getting the “LBRFFATMWCTADM” site started immediately.

  9. So. Much. YASSSSSSS!!!! I’m convinced that we are indeed in fact, the same person. I’m so sorry to hear about things with the boy, hon! I actually, on many occasions, have felt inclined to write about the great way things were going with my relationships/love life, only to have them epically tank later. It royally sucks, because the thing with dating is it’s a constant state of wonder. Wondering and worrying if things are going to last, if this is just another notch to add to my dating history, waiting for the inevitable “I think you’re great but…” shoe to drop. And then when things are good, really good, it’s masked by these feelings of dread. And don’t even get me started on the texting, talking, emotional games that are played. WHY?! Why all of the games?! I’m sure dating has always had it’s suckiness, but even more so now that we live in such a digital, f*ck boy, ghosting age. Ugh. You are not alone sister.

    1. I couldn’t agree with your entire comment more. There are just so many things to hate about dating these days. My biggest thing is that people just aren’t honest anymore. EVER! It’s like two people are in a relationship and neither person wants to bring up what’s going on. My God! It’s so frustrating. I am done with the games and beating around the bush. When I’m dating a guy, I’m usually so scared to show him that I like him in fear it’ll scare him away. Well if a guy gets scared away cause the girl he’s dating likes him, then he’s the psycho and I’m glad he’s running away. I’m not holding back anymore in the dating scene. I am going to be upfront.

      1. YESSS!!!! That is exactly it! Why all of the games? I get that sometimes, guys in particular, love the thrill of the chase, or don’t want to come across as too eager or desperate all in hopes of protecting their very precious ego, but what is a relationship if you can’t just be honest?! So much time and effort and worry are wasted in the dating process because neither party is brave enough to be upfront with each other. I’m taking a queue from you and am NOT HOLDING BACK ANYMORE! If I can find a guy who isn’t scared or put off by that, then GREAT! I’ve finally found that damn needle in the haystack, but if not, he wasn’t the right guy.

      2. Maybe this is a new approach all us single ladies need to take. The guys don’t wanna be honest and upfront with their feelings, then fine! But us women are going to be honest. If you can’t handle that well then too bad!

  10. So sorry it didn’t work out with the last guy! I’m tired of online dating too but putting myself out there a little bit anyways lol. Glad to see Aziz’s modern romance inspired you as much as it did me.Do what Aziz said in the end…start looking for guys at places that will attract the same level of class or standard for you..instead of the cheap and sleaziness that online and late night bars can bring. I think one of the reasons I like your blog so much is that you’re a strong chick. Us strong ones have to empower each other! Much love and good vibes your way

    1. Aziz really did have a lot of great advice in his book. I need to start taking it. As much as I am exhausted by dating and need a break, I know it’s not going to be for long. I do want to meet someone and still have somewhat hope that it will happen. I think I just need to change my approach a bit.

  11. It sucks to hear that it didn’t work out with the guy from the end of last year – he sounds a little cowardly though, and you don’t want that! I almost feel like I can’t speak anymore as my relationship is still going, but having been the perennial singleton of my friends for 26 years I think I still have some authority when I agree that dating is exhausting! The people I dated brought me more stress than they did happiness, and that’s why it never lasted. I was always fine on my own, so to be worth making time for and making an effort with, the person would have to be really special. I think there’s nothing wrong with throwing in the towel until someone catches your eye/interest again.

    1. Thanks for the comment. A little break for now, I think, will give me some much needed perspective. I’m glad to hear that things are still going well on your end. You deserve it.

  12. Safe to say the women of the blogosphere agree based on all the comments. I’m adding my agreement. The sheer effort of getting pretty for a first date and the uncertainty head rush is exhausting!

  13. You’r’e literally speaking on behalf of every single woman right now lol (well, almost). I hate that you are so exhausted from dating – you’re awesome and fun and deserve a great time! Not a stressful one. What if you found out that you would be meeting the man of your dreams in just 2-3 years…what changes would you make in your dating life and life in general?

    1. If I knew for a fact that I was meeting the man of my dreams in just 2-3 years, I honestly wouldn’t make any changes in my life. I like my life at the moment. I love my job, have my own place, and have great relationship with friends and family. I’d probably stop dating altogether as horrible as that sounds. I wouldn’t need the stress of dating if I knew for sure the man of my dream was just a couple of years away.

  14. I have had a similar experience with dating. What hooked me with my current sweetheart is that he said from the beginning, “no social filters”. And I believed him, and I was wholly myself, immediately and without restraint. And, so far, it has been an amazing time, but I realize also that we are very lucky.

    1. That’s the thing. We just gotta find someone who isn’t playing any games and who we can 100% be ourselves with. It’s out there. It’s just insanely hard to fin.

  15. Just came across your blog. Dating now is harder, too many choices and because we are so connected it is more painful when you are “ghosted”
    I have some stories on deck re: online dating for my blog

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