Questions I Ask Myself Regularly Since Becoming an “Adult”

Jenna Marbles - One time I grew to be an adult, it sucked

Adulthood is hard and confusing. And leaves me with way more questions than answers.

1. Do rich people ever bother going to baby/bridal showers?

No one actually likes going to showers. If you really like going to showers, then we probably can’t be friends. Sorry, I don’t make up the rules. Who likes watching a person open 27 different types of dishes or dozens of packages of diapers? There’s a reason every shower has guests playing that BINGO gift game. The only redeeming qualities of any shower are the free food, free cake, and free alcohol. If I go to your shower and there is no wine, I am immediately leaving, but not before I piss in your wishing well. When you’re rich, the word free means nothing to you.Β They don’t need to sit through a rousing game of “Guess what’s in the bride’s bag?” just for free cake. Also, if you’re rich, are you really throwing yourself a shower? If I were friends with Oprah and she invited me to her bridal shower, I’d laugh. “How about you buy your own damn butter dish, and buy me a car while you’re at it!”

2. If I had bigger boobs and could stand in heels, would I seriously consider becoming a stripper?

I’d like to think my answer to this question would be no. And unfortunately, my morals are too highΒ and I don’t have enough daddy issues to really consider a life of stripping. However, it does make me a little mad that it’s not even an option. Do you know how fast I could pay off my student loans? I’d be the ultimate cliche. “I’m just stripping to pay my way through school.” Except instead of school, I’m paying my way through student loans. I also have this fantasy that I’ll be on stage, a rich mogul will see me, instantly fall in love with me, and save me from stripping and the hells of student loans and job applications. Yeah I want a Pretty Woman-esque life. So what?

3. How does one person have so much laundry?

For a woman who will wear the same jeans and bra about fifty times in a row before washing them, I accumulate a lot of laundry throughout the week. I really don’t even know how it happens. I wash my clothes, dry them, and by the time I finally get around to putting them away, I need to start all over again. It’s a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

4. Why is grocery shopping so difficult?

I still haven’t gotten the whole grocery shopping thing down. It never goes smoothly. I always forget my reusable shopping bags. (That’s why I have so many plastic bags stored in a closet in my apartment. I like the environment too much to just throw them away, but clearly not enough to remember to bring the reusable bags.) I never know which supermarket to actually go to. Which one has the best deals? And when do the deals end? I always come a day after the Oreo’s were $2.99 a pack. But here is my biggest issue with grocery shopping: How much food do I buy? I am always throwing food away because it’s going bad. Then if I buy too little, I’ll be starving after three days. How much chicken will feed a family of one for a week? This is a serious question!

5. When did I become so familiar with toilet bowl cleaner? And why the fuck do I have a favorite?

When did this become my life? But seriously, the Mr. Clean Magic Wand is my shit! I highly recommend it!

6. Are three Oreo’s, a block of cheese, and salt & vinegar chips an adequate dinner?

I actually really like cooking. But I love cooking for people. When I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is whip up a three course meal for one. That’s time consuming and depressing. When I come home from work, all I want to do is take my bra off, lay in bed, and stuff my face. I need things that can come right out of the cabinets and straight into my belly. No oven required.

7. Why are you so disgusting? Are you ever going to clean your apartment?

This one kind of speaks for itself. Don’t come over to my place. I don’t want you catching anything by sitting on my couch. Actually, I take that back. Please come over! That’s the only time I ever get any cleaning done, when I know someone is coming over and I have to make the place look somewhat presentable.

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49 comments

  1. Oh my god. I laughed through this entire post- I loved it. I’m in my early twenties but I’ve just moved into my own apartment, and these questions all rang true for me. The bit about forgetting your reusable shopping bags is the story of my life. I will park my car, get halfway between it and the store, and then realize I left them in the trunk. Then, an ethical battle is waged: Do I go back to grab them, or do I say ‘fuck it’ and keep going? It’s a vicious cycle.

    Great post; made my day to read it.

    1. Thank you! Glad it made you laugh! I do the same thing. It’ll take an extra minute to walk back to the car to get the bags but I never do it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

  2. Hahaha! Yes. Yes. YES! But seriously, why is grocery shopping all of the awful?! I’ve actually been avoiding it like the plague for the past two weeks, only to instead pick up some pizza on the way home from work. I mean, I WOULD go to the grocery store, if it wasn’t such a pain in my shopping cart. There’s the whole having to drive there, and then pick out food, and then spend an arm and a leg for said food, all to have to haul bags upon bags up to your third floor apartment. And then you have to put them away?! Oh the humanity!

  3. Oh man, seriously! The grocery store is the worst! And the ‘adequate meal’ thing is funny too. I can force myself to cook decently healthy, balanced, and maybe even tasty dinners when my husband is home, but if it’s just me? Forget it. We’re both in the military (okay, well I’m in the reserve now), so sometimes one or the other would be on deployment. Man, when he was gone for months at a time, it was ramen noodles or Subway or cheese and crackers for dinner every day. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m by myself, I just do not have the will to cook. Haha. Just funny because when I first left home to be an “adult,” I thought it was just natural that I didn’t eat “normal meals,” and that by the time I was married and inching closer to thirty, I would just develop this instinct to eat right all the time. Nope.

    Okay, sorry for the long comment, but this is funny! So real!

    1. Don’t apologize. I enjoyed reading your comment. There is just something about having to make a whole meal and then clean up when it’s just for yourself. It’s so much easier to order out or pop something in the microwave.

  4. The more I read your blog, the more convinced I am that we’d make good friends πŸ™‚ Especially because of #4. But I have to disagree about #7. I was never a neat freak until moving into my own place, and then out of nowhere I became Miss OCD about every little crumb and speck of dust. No, let me rephrase: I became neurotic about my roommates’ crumbs and specks of dust. I don’t notice my own as much.

    1. I feel the same way when I read your blog. I love it! I wish I became a neat freak when I moved into my own place. Maybe if I had a roommate I would but since it’s just me, it’s so easy to put it off for “later”.

  5. This is absolutely true. My question of the week was…do other people believe I’m an adult who has it all figured out? I had a close call with adulthood yesterday (in my professional attire, composing a mental shopping list, re-checking when to pay rent with this holiday weekend funny business) and I realized some person on the street might see me and think I’m actually one of them. What a terrifying thought…but maybe all the other “adults” are thinking the same thing I am… Hmmm.

  6. Oh my gosh, this is so accurate. I struggle so much with the grocery thing! The oreos, chips, and cheese sounds like one of my meals, haha. Not nutritious, but it satisfies the cravings, I guess. Great post!

  7. Umm. I’m pretty sure you can be a stripper without daddy issues. Don’t want to feed that hungry stigma.

    I’ve had many a meal of raw vegetables, peanut butter, muesli bars, yoghurt, cereal and fruit.
    I mean lots of proper meals have vegetables in them so I can’t imagine it not being healthy to eat a plate of miscellaneous uncooked vegetables.

  8. Laughed so hard at this, number 3 and number 6 are me to a tee!!! Hilarious!!!
    My Husband hates the laundry thing about me, he hates that things often don’t make it back to the wardrobe before I wear them again. He questions why there are seldom bras there and then when there are bras there he doesn’t know what to do with them anyways so I still do the washing (eventually lol).
    Number 6 is where those beef cannelloni weight watchers meals come in πŸ™‚ LOVE those things

    1. I am the worst with laundry. When I finally get around to washing the clothes and they are dry, I wind up just throwing them on my couch and that’s where they stay. The couch becomes my closet unless someone comes over and I usually just wind up then throwing them on my bed.

      1. YES! This is so me too. I actually tried to be good on the weekend and laid it all out nicely on the bed with the plan that I would put it away before I went to sleep. I ended up just moving it off the bed hahaha.

  9. Love this! I have struggled with the exact same problems for two years before discovering that it is just easier to move back in with my parents. This is happening in 3 weeks.

    I’m nearly 29 years old.

    What the hell happened??!!

    x

  10. Ha ha. This had me in splits. Especially no 4.

    Things are different in this part of the world. Most of us are NOT allowed to have our own space, until we are married. I have tried several times, but nothing worked. Now that I have my own space, I can’t stop complaining about the endless shopping, laundry, and what not.

    Totally agree on 5 & 6 as well πŸ˜€ but I am a lot like Beth when it comes to no 7. Maybe I am a borderline OCD πŸ˜›

  11. Omg, this cracked me up. Numbers 3, 4, 6 and 7 seem to be an accurate description of me. I hate laundry with a passion, it’s one of those things that suck the life out of you. And don’t get me started on grocery shopping and cleaning the flat πŸ˜›

  12. Oh my goodness you are hilarious! I have no idea why but I can relate to most of the points you brought up haha. Really perked up my day thank you

  13. Can not agree more with the laundry comment. Honestly, I feel like that’s all I do after work. Something else I wonder is how are so many of these “adults” functioning human beings? Some of the 50-somethings I work with make me feel like I’m trapped in some strange 2014 version of Freaky Friday. I should not be telling them to ignore that guy or be the bigger person.

  14. When my husband sees me vacuuming the couch or cleaning the windows, the first thing he asks is “who is coming over?” And if I’m actually doing either of those things, it’s probably someone pretty damn special. Great list!

  15. I swear…I feel sorry for my roomate who accompanies me at the grocery store…I can spend hours buying products I’ll never intend to eat because I’ve neglected it for too long. I’ve gotten better with cooking nowadays, but somedays I’m just like…”give me a can of tomato sauce and bag of pasta and I’ll be just dandy!”

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