Thoughts of a Perpetually Single Girl

i'm so singleI’m the single friend. I’m always the single friend. Relationships and I go together like peanut butter and tuna fish.

Now the Internet would have you believe that single people can only be one of two things: Either I am strutting in my 6-inch heels shouting to the world that “I’m an independent woman and I don’t need no man” or I am lying in bed, downing my fifth glass of wine, and crying while yet another friend is getting engaged, all while shouting to the world that “I’m forever alone.”

Here’s the thing: being the perpetually single girl means I do a little bit of both. It’s the best of times. It’s the worst of times. Sometimes it’s really fucking awesome and sometimes it really fucking sucks. See, it’s not so different than what it’s like to be in a relationship.

1. “There has to be something wrong with me.” This thought will pop into your head at some point. You just can’t seem to find someone that you genuinely like and would want to commit to. Everyone else seems to fall into relationships so easily so clearly the problem must lie with you.

2. Whenever someone comes to you to complain about their relationship (and they always seem to come to you like you’re clearly the expert), you feel much better about your single status. Relationships can be great but they can also be really stressful. Hearing someone complain about the latest drama in their relationship will make you incredibly grateful that you don’t have to deal with any of that.

3. You’ll want to smack the people who ask, “Why are you still single?” Everything about that question is obnoxious and it needs to be wiped out of existence immediately.

4. When you go out, there’s always that possibility of meeting someone. We all know they say things come when we’re not looking for them or when we least expect them. However, when you’re perpetually single, it’s always in the back of your mind that you can meet someone when out. And this is a good thing. The possibility of meeting someone new is exciting.

5. You will cherish your single friends, especially when you start getting older. Making a new friend in your late twenties and finding out that she’s single as well is basically the equivalent to finding out your kindergarten classmate’s favorite color is also blue. Instant best friends!

6. While you’re incredibly happy for them, a part of you will get sad when one of your single friends gets into a relationship. “Why did you go over to the dark side?”

7. Realizing that you could go on vacation tomorrow or move cross country without having to take anyone else into consideration except yourself is an amazing feeling.

8. You will become incredibly comfortable being single. Sometimes you’ll fear that you might be getting a little too comfortable. “I have to share this luxurious bed with another human being for the rest of my life? What if they’re not cool with Oreos in bed? That’s no way to live!”

9. Going to weddings will suck. Even if you are doing fine with your singleness, it will be a reminder of just how single you really are. Getting invited with a plus one is always a dilemma. “Do I scramble to see if I can get a date to come with me or do I just suck it up and go alone?”

10. Seeing a razor in the winter will make you pause and think, “What the hell is that?” My legs resemble Chewbacca in the winter because no one is seeing them but me.

11. Meeting someone new who *GASP* you actually like is incredibly scary. You’ll make yourself crazy thinking of all the ways you are going to mess it up because your track record has shown that this cannot end well.

12. But deep down you know that no matter how things turn out with the new guy, you’ll be OK. You’ve figured out long ago that you’re OK being alone and don’t need to be in a relationship.

Why Growing Up In Brooklyn Was The Best

There's no Place Like Home
So I noticed that while my posts are hilarious and relatable (modesty is not in my vocabulary), they are very general. They could have been written by anyone. Aside from a few tidbits here and there, I haven’t revealed much about myself. I bet some of you don’t even know my name. And since I know you’re just keeping yourself up at night wondering what it is, I’m here to tell you: It’s Liz! And if you’re dying to know more about the lady behind this blog (don’t kid yourself, of course you are!), I’ve updated my About Me to make it a little more personal.

But wait, there’s more! Last year I went on a rant (one of my many) bitching about New York City and how it’s not as great as the media would have you believe. I still stand by that post, and could make a brand new one with all the new reasons I’ve discovered to hate the city. But it’s still very much a love/hate relationship when it comes to New York. I have a friend who grew up in Massachusetts and now lives in New York. I was bitching about New York and how it’s not that great. All he said in return was, “That’s what I’ve been saying.” I immediately wanted to bitch slap him while singing Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York.” I can talk trash about this city all I want but when someone else does, I get testy.

Because as much as I hate many things in New York (it’s dirty, way too expensive, overly-crowded), I still wouldn’t have wanted to grow up anywhere else. This may just be my annoying New York arrogance showing but I take pride in saying that I grew up in Brooklyn. I love where I’m from and feel a little badly for anyone who is from somewhere else.

So why so much Brooklyn pride from someone who has spent so much time bitching about where she lives? Glad you asked. Let me fill you in on why growing up in Brooklyn in the 90s (before a bunch of hipsters from the Midwest took over) was the best.

This was my backyard
Prospect Park Long Meadow Brooklyn
If you ever visit New York, everyone will insist that you visit Central Park. And I do agree with them. Central Park is awesome. But don’t forget its much cooler younger sister: Prospect Park. From the Zoo to the Botanical Gardens, this was by far my favorite place growing up. There was always something new to find. It was like exploring my very own Secret Garden.

Diversity
Every time I see some new Buzzfeed article telling white people what they shouldn’t say to minorities, I cringe. Is it not common knowledge that it’s rude to ask another person if you can touch their hair? Growing up my best friends were Chinese, Jewish, and Puerto Rican. I was introduced to all different races and cultures since Pre-K. It’s crazy to me to think that some people don’t meet someone outside of their own race until they reach college.

Friends

That's little Liz in the middle on the top pic and big Liz on the left in the bottom pic.

That’s little Liz in the middle on the top pic and big Liz on the left in the bottom pic.

When people brag about having the same best friend since college or even high school, I can’t help but get a little hipster. It’s cute but I’ve had the same best friends since Kindergarten. Yes, friendships aren’t measured in time and I’ve met some wonderful people since then, but there is something about being friends with the same person since before you were able to fully read. You know all of each other’s secrets cause you were there for them. You’re close with their family. Some people aren’t lucky to ever find a friend that they truly connect with. I was lucky to find two at the ripe old age of five! And while we’re all grown up now and have busy lives, we’re still best friends. I guess we just do friendship better in the BK.

Independence
I had a lot of independence growing up. Part of it may have been the decade. Parents just don’t let their kids play outside now like they did in the nineties. I was always playing outside. The schoolyard was the place to be. And I can’t even remember exactly when I took the train for the first time by myself but I had to be at least 10.

Field Trips
When you live in such a culturally diverse city, it’s natural that your class field trips are going to be awesome, and my trips in elementary and junior high did not disappoint. There were farms, museums, and science centers. I even got to see my first Broadway show for the senior class trip when I graduated elementary school. It was Cats!

FOOD!
It’s no secret that I love. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. And growing up in Brooklyn I was introduced to some really great food at a young age. Whether it’s a sicilian slice at Spumoni Gardens or cheese fries at Roll N Roaster, plenty of the places I grew up loving are still there today. That’s a pretty great feat when taking into consideration that so much of my borough has changed in the last ten years or so. Eating a home cooked meal was even better, whether it was Italian at home, or Chinese or Spanish at a friend’s house.

So now that I’m done bragging about my hometown, it’s your turn. What’s so great about where you grew up?

What I Say Versus What I Mean

Bridge-Jones i didn't mean itWhen I first started this blog I was all like, “I’m going to post every Monday and Friday. Start everyone’s week off right and then send them into the weekend with a bang.” I was really reaching with that. Mostly because I assumed people would look to my blog to jump-start their weekends like I’m a shot of Jameson, but also because I actually thought I could write two posts a week. That quickly changed to, “I’m going to post at least once a week.” Clearly I’ve been AMAZING with that. Now my motto with this blog is, “I’ll try to stop by once every four years.” I’m the leap year of blogs! So happy February 29th bitches! I’m here with a new post.

After I finish this post and publish it, I am definitely go to tell myself that I will write more often. I will really try to stick to once a week. I’m lying! What I’m really saying is: “Every night before I go to sleep I will come up with some really great ideas for a post. I will write it all out in my head and it will be insightful and hilarious. Morning will come and I’ll forget 95% of it. But that’s OK cause it’ll eventually come back to me, right? Then I’ll start a draft while at work and come up with a title and add some tags to the post. The post will sit in my drafts for weeks before I open up this blog again and start a new draft with a new idea I wrote in my head the night before and quickly forgot. Then three months after this post was published I will FINALLY write a new post and the cycle will start all over again.”

Here are a few other things 99% of the time I am lying about.

What I say: Between work and school I honestly don’t have any time for a boyfriend right now.
What I really mean: School and work do keep me busy but I do have some free time. But I’d much rather use that free time watching TV or hanging out with friends than suffering through an uncomfortable date with someone I met from OK Cupid.

What I say when someone asks if I want to go get food with them: No, it’s OK. I already ate.
What I really mean: I did not already eat. And even if I did already eat, I’d still want to go get food with you cause I love food. There will never be a scenario where I actually don’t want to go get food. This statement really means that I am broke and while I’d love to go eat, my wallet won’t allow it.

What I say: I don’t like the gym. I like to go running.
What I really mean: I like the idea of running. I like it a lot. I’ve even purchased running shorts and these snazzy running sneakers (they’re purple and pink in case you were wondering). And I have good intentions when it comes to running. I love the spring weather and it always makes me want to go outside and run. But what usually happens is I go out after work on a Monday all set to run a mile. I run one block, lose my breath, walk about 10 blocks, try to run again, give up, and go home. Next Monday rolls around and the process repeats itself until the summer comes and it’s just too hot to run. The idea of running will pop into my head when fall rolls around but before I can actually start any sort of routine it’s winter again.

What I say when I’m hungover: I am NEVER drinking again! It’s just not worth it. I’m not 22 anymore and the recovery time is just too much for me to handle.
What I really mean: So who wants to take this shot with me?

How to Act Like a Proper Female Sports Fan

how to act like a proper female sports fanThe Super Bowl is this weekend. A time to gather with friends, drink a lot of beer, eat three dozen wings, and watch some commercials….oh yea, there will be a football game thrown in the mix as well.

I’m kidding. I love sports. I haven’t been able to stay on top of my favorite teams as much as I normally do cause I’ve been so busy but I still love my sports. I grew up watching baseball (Go Yankees!) and football is definitely the most entertaining sport to watch (Go Giants!).

However, sometimes being a female sports fan can be difficult. Plenty of times you’ll find that you’re not taken seriously. So in honor of the Super Bowl I decided to give you ladies the 411 on how to act like a proper female sports fan. Follow these rules or else you may be mistaken for a fake fan who’s just watching the game to attract men. Because as we all know, a woman’s main goal in life is to attract men.

Don’t find any players attractive – It does not matter if you are a straight female who normally finds men appealing. You need to turn that off unless people start thinking you only watch for the eye candy. Because spending three hours watching a game you don’t like just to catch a glimpse of the hot wide receiver without his helmet on is perfectly normal behavior. So remember you must never find a player cute. You don’t want the guy ogling the cheerleader to think you’re a fake fan.

Memorize all the stats and the entire history of your favorite team – How else are you going to prove that you’re a real fan? What do you mean you don’t know the batting average of the team’s backup catcher from 1959? What kind of fan are you? You better have all the trivia stored in your brain when you’re inevitably quizzed anytime you claim to be a fan.

Never wear a jersey unless it’s your team’s colors – “The team’s colors are blue and white you pink hat wearing fake fan,”shouts the guy in a green jersey with his name on the back. Anything pink or with sequins is off limits. You are not allowed to wear them. Which is ironic because anything available for girls is pink and slathered in sequins. Get ready to shop in the boys section if you want to wear the team’s actual colors without any glitter.

You better have come out of the womb liking your favorite team – No one wants to hear that you started liking the team because your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend did! It doesn’t matter that you have been broken up for the past eight years but you still follow the Raiders religiously. Still not a real fan. You better have a detailed back story explaining why you root for your favorite team and that story better not include the word boyfriend in it.

Be prepared to reject all “girly things” ever again – You’re a cool chick now. And being the cool chick means you have to forgo any and all “girly things,” like watching The Bachelorette or eating salads. It’s just chicken wings and sports from now on. But please keep in mind that while you should act like a girl who hates salads and only eats chicken wings and nachos, you must look like a girl who hates chicken wings and nachos and only eats salads. Got that!

Top Three Things I Miss About Being a Kid

I don't want to grow upI don’t know any person over the age of 22 who hasn’t wished they were a kid again. The thought pops into my head at least once every hour. This whole adult thing is not easy. And it is not nearly as cool as I was led to believe it would be during childhood. Adulthood is just a whole lot of responsibilities. That’s all it is.

There are bunch of things I could list when discussing what I miss about childhood: summer vacation, a super fast metabolism, never having to work. The list can go on and on. But I realize that I miss a lot of things I never thought I would have. There are certain responsibilities I didn’t take into account when I was sixteen and counting down the days until my 18th birthday so I can officially become an “adult.” I would gladly relinquish these responsibilities to a real adult (I’m totally faking this whole adult thing myself) because I am not equipped to make these decisions.

1. Doctor’s Appointments – So, like any normal kid I hated going to the doctor’s. But my mom would make appointments anyway and drag my ass to the doctor no matter how much I complained. Now that I’m an adult (and I use that term very loosely) I recognize that doctors are important and my mom was just being a responsible parent by making me go. But this fact doesn’t make me like doctors any more. In fact, my disdain for all things doctor-related has only grown stronger with age. When you’re younger going to the doctors went like this: your mom takes you to the doctor after school, you see the doctor and she reassures you that everything is going to be OK, you get a lollipop when you leave, and then you get to choose whatever you want to eat for dinner to make up for the fact that you just had to go to the doctors. That was the extent of it. Any following up, payments, etc., that was all taken care of without you even knowing about it. So it’s quite the shock when you suddenly have to take care of your own health and realize what a hot mess the healthcare system is. Instead of getting a lollipop when you leave the doctor’s, you get a bill. Ah yes, they don’t warn you about the astronomical costs of doctor’s bills in elementary school. And having health insurance doesn’t matter. Having health insurance just means that instead of paying $1000 you only have to pay $999. What a bargain!

And going to the doctor’s when you’re older is depressing. They weigh you. Don’t look at me like that doc. It’s winter so I’m wearing snow boots and my bra has A LOT of padding in it. That’s not an accurate representation of my weight, OK! You get asked if you’re sexually active which is just a reminder of how sexually unactive you are. And it just reinforces that you’re getting older. Nothing like being told you need to control your blood pressure to remind you that you’re not a spring chicken anymore.

doctors appointments as an adult

2. Being told what I can and cannot eat. Everything related to food when you were younger is amazing. You had free food all the time! I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE free food! Free food battles with my family for the top spot on my favorite things in the world. It’s a close race and if I can find a way to get free bacon 24/7, my family just won’t be able to compete. But seriously, things were free all the time as a kid, even when you went out to eat. No one’s going to ask a seven-year-old for her portion of the meal. Even if she ordered the surf and turf.

I miss all those free meals but that’s not the number one food-related thing I miss about being a kid. As annoying as it was at the time, I miss being told not to eat 75 cookies in one sitting! Seriously, I have no self control when it comes to food. I once bought a tub of cookie dough to make cookies for a holiday party. I didn’t make it to the holiday party and no cookies were ever made. But that tub of cookie dough was done within 5 days because I’m disgusting. When I was younger that never would have happened because I would have been threatened with no TV for a week if I didn’t put the cookie dough down. I wish I still had someone who controlled my eating and didn’t allow me that third cupcake.

3. Going to bed early. How am I supposed to get eight hours of sleep when I get home at 7 p.m. and have to be up by 6 a.m. the next morning? How do you expect me to squeeze in 5 hours of Netflix and 8 hours of sleep in only 11 hours? I’m no mathematician but it just doesn’t add up! Eight hours of sleep is hard to get when you work late and wake up early. It’s even harder when you inexplicably do not allow yourself to go to bed before 11. I really need a mom, dad, guardian, someone to tell me when to go to bed at night because I clearly do not listen to myself. 

 

It’s Merry Christmas, Not Happy Holidays

Merry Chrismas Ya Filthy Animal - Home Alone

I just need to go on a mini holiday rant right now. I know I’m such a Scrooge but I just need to get something off my chest.

Every December, I always have at least one or two people share a photo of Santa Claus and a Christmas tree with the words “It’s Merry Christmas, NOT Happy Holidays” plastered on it. (And of course the word “not” is in all caps so the creator of the image can really get his point across.) I cannot help but laugh every time it comes across my news feed. It makes me want to immediately go to the person’s page and wish them Happy Holidays! Or at least comment on the photo saying, “Really? Who cares?!”

I just do not get the whole Merry Christmas, not happy holidays thing. Have these people not heard of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s? These are all holidays happening this December (technically January for New Year’s but we all know people only care about the Eve). That’s why it’s called the HOLIDAY season. It’s not some personal attack on your precious HOLIDAY! See! Christmas is a holiday. So wishing you a Happy Holiday isn’t even incorrect.

Just because Christmas is the most prominent holiday, with it being shoved down our throats before we’ve even had a chance to take off our Halloween costumes off, doesn’t make it the ONLY holiday.

Happy_Holidays_cartoon

I am sure these are the same people who believe in the fictitious war on Christmas.

ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas, Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, Santa Claus closing the show at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Those are just a few events off the top of my head that showcase your precious Christmas. Acknowledging the existence of other holidays doesn’t take anything away from Christmas. It’s simply stating a face. This is the holiday season cause there are a ton of holidays happening this month.

Let me say that I have no tolerance for complaining on either sides. If you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, another December holiday, or skip the festivities entirely but get annoyed and complain when a cashier wishes you a Merry Christmas, you have entirely too much time on your hands. A cashier could wish me a Happy Festivus and do you know what I would do? Say, “Thanks, you too,” take my packages, and be on my merry way. Why? Because it does not matter! It genuinely does not matter what greeting a cashier chooses to use when they are just trying to be nice. It does not matter what type of wording a store manager chooses to use in signage or decorations in their store. It. Does. Not. Matter.

If you find yourself wanting to cause a storm cause a banner at the supermarket says “Happy Holidays” or if you want to speak to a manager because a cashier wished you a Merry Christmas, I need you to do something for me. I need you to go home, drink some tea, sit down, and reevaluate all of your life choices. Because clearly somewhere along the way things got messed up.

And I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

 

Things to Do When You Have a Paper Due

I don't procrastinate, I just do things later

I wasn’t lying when I said you should be expecting this article. I always keep my promises. Unless those promises are made to myself. Since 2009 I’ve been trying to give up diet soda and junk food. I am guzzling a diet Pepsi and eating chocolate chip cookies while I write this post in 2014. I also made a promise to myself that when I started school again I would be on top of my shit. I would do all the readings. I wouldn’t wait until the night before to do an assignment. That promise ended the second I read through the syllabus of each class and saw all the readings/work I had ahead of me. I laughed and laughed and then went to sleep instead of reading, immediately breaking my promise.

I have convinced myself that I work better under pressure. I can’t possibly do an assignment weeks before it’s due. It wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t be giving the teacher my best work. I fully recognize that this is probably all bullshit and I would be preventing myself a lot of stress if I did work in a timely fashion, but I just can’t do it. It’s how I survived and graduated undergrad and it will be how I survive and graduate from grad school.

When I have a paper due, I tend to find a million and one other things to do instead of actually working on the paper. And it’s always the most ridiculous stuff. I legit have an excel sheet of every movie I’ve ever seen that I worked on when I had a paper due once. (Random Note: That excel sheet made me realize just how many ridiculous/cheesy movies I’ve watched in my life.) So if you have a paper due here a few things that just NEED to be done and then you can buckle down and start writing.

1. Stare at this gif until you fall asleep.
Tom Hiddleston
Actually, let this entire page lull you to sleep. When you wake up you’ll be refreshed and ready to write that paper. That’s it! You just need a little Tom Hiddleston and sleep.

2. Color coordinate your entire wardrobe.
Clueless Closet Gif
What the hell is a red dress doing with a green top? It’s absurd and needs to be fixed immediately.

3. Alphabetize every single book and DVD you own.
Belle Book Shelving
Who can concentrate on a paper when Mean Girls is shelved BEFORE Home Alone?

4. Watch an entire TV show on Netflix.

Oh, Paul Rudd. You know so little.

Oh, Paul Rudd. You know so little.

Actually watch several TV shows on Netflix. From Gilmore Girls to Breaking Bad, there are too many great shows on Netflix to spend time doing a paper.

5. Drink some a lot of wine.
drinking wine
That’s exactly what your paper needs. The clarity that comes with a little a lot of alcohol.

6. Eat some food.
Elf Eating Junk Food
Your body needs nourishment so it can work. Preferably nourishment in the greasy/unhealthy department.

7. Exercise. HAHA, just kidding. Go to sleep.
ariel sleeping gif
Sure, you just slept after staring at Tom Hiddleston, but one can never sleep enough. Besides, the food and wine has made you tired.

8. Clean your apartment.
mrs. doubtfire cleaning gif
This is the one time when cleaning will actually seem favorable to your other options.

9. Rearrange your furniture.

Friends Pivot gif

Let’s hope your rearranging experience doesn’t involve someone shouting PIVOT!

You probably noticed after cleaning your entire place that the couch would look a lot better up against the wall. Better fix that now or you’ll never be able to concentrate on that paper.

10. Get lost on the internet.
Big Bang Theory I need Help
You started off with the best of intentions. You went on the computer real fast just to check your Facebook. Maybe you were even planning to do some research for your paper. But one way or another you lost your way. Now you are stuck in that portal of hell known as “YouTube Related Videos.”

Now that you’ve successfully gone through all the internet has to offer and your apartment is organized from top to bottom, you’re ready to write that paper. It’s a good thing you got so much sleep cause you’ll have to pull an all-nighter  to get it done in time. It’s OK. Just keep telling yourself this is the only way you can do your best work.