10 Lessons for People in their Late Twenties

keep your chin up, there will be happiness again

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and a bunch of other people I’ve come across in their late twenties. I feel as though we are always looking for someone to reassure us and let us know that everything is going to be OK. Even if you may have everything all together on the surface, your twenties are a really confusing time. There is so much going on and you never feel as though you have it all figured out.

Here’s some advice I’d to give to everyone in their late twenties who sees thirty slowly creeping up and still hasn’t really gotten it all figured out.

Make time for your friends. Once you’re done with school, making friends is really hard. You hear this all the time but don’t realize just how true it is until you’re done. So cherish the friends that you do have. Sure life is crazy and hectic but make time for them. Even if it’s just meeting up once a month for coffee.

Celebrate your birthday. Birthdays can be rough as you get older. They are no longer the week-long extravaganza they once were. As you start getting closer and closer to thirty, you may think about skipping birthdays altogether. Don’t! Birthdays are still a cause for celebration. You made it through another year alive! That’s reason to celebrate. Everyone deserves to be sung “Happy Birthday” to and a huge piece of cake on their birthday.

Don’t let your age prevent you from making a decision. I feel as though I’ve started to do a lot more math now that I’m in my late twenties. “So if I start grad school now at this age and it takes me two years to graduate, I’ll be this age when I’m done.” You have to remember that you’re never too old to do something or start something new. Never went to college and feel as though you’re too old now? Please! When I was getting my bachelor’s, there were people in their fifties in my class. Scared to break up with your significant other because then you’ll have to start the whole dating process over again and (GASP!) may not get married until you’re in your thirties? That’s a horrible reason to stay in a relationship. Take a chance. No matter what it is you want to do. Trust me, 50-year-old you will be happy that 28-year-old you took a chance when you did.

Get a hobby or interest. And no, this isn’t so you have something to say when a date asks what you like to do for fun. Do this for yourself. When you spend a lot of time at work, life can get pretty monotonous. Find something that you love to do and go with it! Even if you only get to do it during the weekends, it will still be rewarding to do something because you want to and not because you have to.

Exercise. I don’t enjoy exercising. No body does. If you enjoy exercising, I already don’t like you and want to throw a cake at your face. But I do realize that exercising is a necessary evil. Kind of like going to the dentist. We don’t enjoy it but we know we must endure it so things will stay put. You’re only in your late twenties but you have already noticed a few things slowing down. “I could have sworn it only used to take me five minutes to walk to this store.” Age be damned! You’re only as young as you feel. But if you spend every waking moment sitting and staring at a screen, you’re going to start to feel like a geriatric before long. I’m not telling you to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger, but take the stairs instead of the elevator. Your body will thank you.

You’re not a loser for staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. Who made this rule that the weekends are made for turning it up? (I hate myself a little for using that term.) Sorry, I’m not buying it. Sure I enjoy going out with my friends but staying home with Netflix and a book is just as enjoyable. Sometimes it’s even more fun. Secretly, when you were younger, I bet you enjoyed staying home just as much but you also had this irrational fear of missing out on something so you went out anyway. Screw that! I worked all week. If I have no plans set for Friday or Saturday, I am curling up in my bed and catching up on some much needed rest.

Eat the cupcake. So I know I just encouraged you to exercise and I still stand by that. I also think that eating vegetables and fruit is important. They actually can be really delicious and they’re super healthy. However, a diet consisting solely of green items is no way to live your life. You can’t be happy. Those people who claim they haven’t eaten a french fry in five years make me want to cry. Like who chooses to live like that? Eating a cupcake or two or three everyone once in awhile is not going to kill you.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. Ah Facebook, you little bastard. If you’re a mom sitting at home with a screaming infant and see pictures of friends enjoying a night out, you may start longing for a time when the highlight of your day wasn’t when a tiny human burped. If you’re a single gal sitting at home on a Friday night and see yet another friend change their relationship status to engaged, you may be temped to grab a pint of ice cream and cry how you’ll be forever alone. We have to stop comparing our lives to where other people our age are right now. Or even worse, where the people who are younger than us are! Everyone takes a different path in life. And you are really doing it all wrong if you’re comparing yourself to another person’s life based solely on their social media. Don’t you know that’s just the highlight reel? No matter how perfect or put together a person may seem, we are all struggling with something. Worry about your own life and what you want to do with it. Don’t use someone else as a benchmark.

Forget about where you thought you’d be at this age. When I was eight-years-old, I thought I’d get engaged at 24, married at 26, and have my first child at 28. When I was eight, I also wrote a report on New York State and wrote that it consisted of the five boroughs only (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, The Bronx, and Staten Island) and the state capital, Albany. That’s it. That’s the whole of New York. What do both of these stories show? That eight-year-old me was a fucking idiot. And ya know what? Eight-year-old you was a fucking idiot as well. Don’t base your life now on how you imagined it would be before you even hit puberty. That little asshole knew nothing about the real world and how hard it can be.

Don’t worry that you don’t have it all figured out. I have this theory on why your twenties are probably the most ridiculously nerve-wracking ten years of your life and why we probably shouldn’t be stressing so much. There is always this constant fear that things aren’t working out. That we don’t have it figured out. You have this great job and then you get fired. You’re in a great relationship and then it starts to fizzle. It seems like once your life is settling into place, you’re thrown a curve ball. But the thing is, that’s life in general. Life is always going to be messy and full of surprises. It’s not meant to be all figured out into a nice package. That’s something we still believe now. We think if we just get that ring, get that job, have that baby, move to that place, everything will be fine. Once you’re in your thirties, you stop believing that nonsense and start living life as it is. At least that’s what I’m hoping for anyway when I turn the big 3-0.

Well that was a mouthful. If you made it all the way to the end, you’re awesome!

Returning to School After a Long Break

So despite all my bitching about school and student loans, I’ve returned to school this fall. I’m getting my master’s in Library and Information Science. It’s still not something that’s going to make me a ton of money but it’s something I’m going to enjoy doing. And in the end, I’ve decided that’s a lot more important.

I have not been in school since the fall of 2009. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to sit in a classroom and deal with homework. It’s been quite an adjustment. Here are just a few of the things I’ve had to deal with.

Seeing all the undergrads walking around campus.
new girl - there are youth everywhere
OK, I get these kids are young. But I’m only 28, they can’t be THAT much younger than me. Why do so many of them look like they could be in middle school? And don’t get me started on some of the underclassmen that gave me a cougar-like reaction.

Realizing that the price of textbooks hasn’t gone down a penny.
uncle jesse - full house - why am i not surprised
I’m taking four classes and each class requires two textbooks. There goes an entire month’s paycheck on books. No it’s cool, I didn’t need to eat or anything this month.

Giving up on eating solid meals. 
parks and recs - avoid salad
I don’t have a healthy diet on a regular schedule. Add 30-35 hours of work and four grad school classes and it’s chocolate and ice cream and whatever else I can easily stuff down my throat for the rest of the semester. I have lost 4 four pounds since class started so take that all you diet gurus!

Finding out that teachers still make you do oral presentations. 
friends - phoebe - stop tormenting me
My anxiety can’t handle this! Forcing a student to do a presentation in front of the whole class should be illegal. I am already having a panic attack over a presentation I need to do in December. Does anyone know where I can get my hands on some Klonopin? I’m gonna need it.

Getting your total bill for the semester.
It's always sunny - cash from my money tree
So my school makes you fill out the FAFSA form for financial aid. I fill it out and then call a week later to find out when it would be processed and when I could find out if I’ll get anything. I’m swiftly told that as a grad student I’m not eligible for any financial aid. It gets better. I am approved for student loans! Yay! But as a grad student the gov’t will not take care of any of the interest like they did while I was an undergrad. All that’s my responsibility. Lovely!

 Looking at the assignments on the class syllabus. 
pretty little liars - i want to enjoy my life again
Oh no, that’s cool. I actually wanted to live in the library from now until December. Thanks for making that dream a reality!

Realizing that you’ve voluntarily signed yourself up for two more years of schooling. 
britney spears - what the hell was i thinking
Oh God, what have I done?

Remembering that in the end it will all be worth it. 
Harry potter - you're gonna suffer but be happy

Fifteen Things I Hope I’m Never Too Old For

Barney Stinson - I'm too old for this

So it seems that every other day I read some new article addressing all the things I need to give up now that I’m in my late twenties and “soooo old!” According to this lady, last year when I turned 27, I should have given up all forms of fun ever.

That linked article is a bit ridiculous but there are some valid things I could never imagine doing again at my age. True story: When I was about 19, my friend and I stayed up all night in the city. Then we went to Six Flags all day without any sleep. You couldn’t pay me to do that again. That’s torture. If you want to know all my darkest secrets, just threaten me with a full day of Six Flags without any sleep. I’d give up my entire family to avoid that.

But there are a lot of things I never want to give up. Ever! I wanna be that 80-year-old going to the midnight screening of the latest superhero movie. I’ll be damned if some article is going to tell me I’m too old for that. Here are some things that I hope I’m never too old for.

1. Watching cartoons. And not just because some child I’m with is forcing me to.

2. Dancing and singing like a maniac whenever Nsync comes on the radio.

3. Playing in the snow. The snow can get annoying as you get older. (Why must I have crappy tires that cause my car to get stuck every single snowstorm?) But snow can also be a lot of fun and I hope I never forget that.

4. Running out of my house with cash in hand when I hear the ice cream truck outside.

5. Disney movies.

6. Playing with legos or Barbies. Those are the two toys we never grow out of.

7. Midnight screenings of my favorite movies.

8. Reading children’s and young adult books.

9. Always eating a giant slice of cake or huge cupcake for my birthday. Complete with icing and sprinkles.

10. Sleepovers. Yep, I still have sleepovers with my best friends!

11. Wearing whatever the hell I want. Between work and the 500 different weddings/showers I’m always going to, it seems like I am constantly adhering to some sort of dress code. When I don’t have to, I will be wearing whatever I want and I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell me I’m “too old” to be wearing that.

12. Dressing up for Halloween and enjoying an unnatural amount of candy.

13. Starting a new adventure. Whether it be learning a new language, moving to a new place, or starting a new job, I hope I never use my age as the main factor for not doing something.

14. Sleeping as late as I want when I have nothing planned for the day.

15. And lastly, I hope I am never so old that I’ll listen to some article telling me what I can and cannot do at my age!

So, what are some things you never want to be too old for?

If You Don’t Want Nude Photos Leaked, Don’t Take Nude Photos

Gillian Anderson - Media turns women into virgins or whores

If you don’t want your nude photos shown all over the internet, don’t take nude photos. If you don’t want to get raped, don’t wear revealing clothing. If you don’t want your identity stolen, don’t use credit cards. If you don’t want to get robbed, don’t buy things. If you don’t want to get electrocuted, don’t have any electronics. If you don’t want to get punched in the face, don’t have a face.

Enough! Enough with victim blaming, no matter the crime. If your first response to the photo leak was to shout that people shouldn’t take naked photos, just stop! If your first response was to proclaim how you never have and never will take nude photos, congratulations! Would you and your high horse like a cookie?

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe this is a concept that some people can’t understand but where I come from, when a crime is committed the person to blame is the criminal who committed said crime.

But sadly we leave in a society where that’s not always the case, especially when the crime is of a sexual nature. People will bend over backwards to find reasons the victims brought it upon themselves.

In this case, these reasons are as follows: Those celebrities shouldn’t have taken the photos in the first place. They should have covered their faces. They were stupid for saving the photos on iCloud.

Now don’t get me wrong, that is some solid advice. This is a reminder for everyone that it is harder and harder to keep things private these days. This became big news because of the people it happened to but even us common folk get our private photos/videos leaked on the Internet. However, if your first and only response is one of those reasons and not that this is a gross violation of privacy and the person who hacked the photos is to blame, then you are part of the problem.

That should be the biggest and only problem about this photo leak: Privacy! The content of the photos should be a non-issue here. It’s just boobs, but to some people that seems to be the biggest problem. Because don’t forget ladies, the second you decide to take control of your own sexuality, you’re not doing what society expects of you. Your sexuality is a prop and commodity for others to do what they please with. You break away from that mold and expect to be condemned.

I am sick and tired of people being blamed when a crime is committed against them. Let’s stop with the victim shaming once and for all. The only person who should be blamed when a crime is committed is the criminal.

(Sorry that this post is kind of all over the place. I started school on Thursday so I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep. And I have to go to the dentist today so I have been extra cranky. I promise something upbeat for my next post!)

Questions I Ask Myself Regularly Since Becoming an “Adult”

Jenna Marbles - One time I grew to be an adult, it sucked

Adulthood is hard and confusing. And leaves me with way more questions than answers.

1. Do rich people ever bother going to baby/bridal showers?

No one actually likes going to showers. If you really like going to showers, then we probably can’t be friends. Sorry, I don’t make up the rules. Who likes watching a person open 27 different types of dishes or dozens of packages of diapers? There’s a reason every shower has guests playing that BINGO gift game. The only redeeming qualities of any shower are the free food, free cake, and free alcohol. If I go to your shower and there is no wine, I am immediately leaving, but not before I piss in your wishing well. When you’re rich, the word free means nothing to you. They don’t need to sit through a rousing game of “Guess what’s in the bride’s bag?” just for free cake. Also, if you’re rich, are you really throwing yourself a shower? If I were friends with Oprah and she invited me to her bridal shower, I’d laugh. “How about you buy your own damn butter dish, and buy me a car while you’re at it!”

2. If I had bigger boobs and could stand in heels, would I seriously consider becoming a stripper?

I’d like to think my answer to this question would be no. And unfortunately, my morals are too high and I don’t have enough daddy issues to really consider a life of stripping. However, it does make me a little mad that it’s not even an option. Do you know how fast I could pay off my student loans? I’d be the ultimate cliche. “I’m just stripping to pay my way through school.” Except instead of school, I’m paying my way through student loans. I also have this fantasy that I’ll be on stage, a rich mogul will see me, instantly fall in love with me, and save me from stripping and the hells of student loans and job applications. Yeah I want a Pretty Woman-esque life. So what?

3. How does one person have so much laundry?

For a woman who will wear the same jeans and bra about fifty times in a row before washing them, I accumulate a lot of laundry throughout the week. I really don’t even know how it happens. I wash my clothes, dry them, and by the time I finally get around to putting them away, I need to start all over again. It’s a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

4. Why is grocery shopping so difficult?

I still haven’t gotten the whole grocery shopping thing down. It never goes smoothly. I always forget my reusable shopping bags. (That’s why I have so many plastic bags stored in a closet in my apartment. I like the environment too much to just throw them away, but clearly not enough to remember to bring the reusable bags.) I never know which supermarket to actually go to. Which one has the best deals? And when do the deals end? I always come a day after the Oreo’s were $2.99 a pack. But here is my biggest issue with grocery shopping: How much food do I buy? I am always throwing food away because it’s going bad. Then if I buy too little, I’ll be starving after three days. How much chicken will feed a family of one for a week? This is a serious question!

5. When did I become so familiar with toilet bowl cleaner? And why the fuck do I have a favorite?

When did this become my life? But seriously, the Mr. Clean Magic Wand is my shit! I highly recommend it!

6. Are three Oreo’s, a block of cheese, and salt & vinegar chips an adequate dinner?

I actually really like cooking. But I love cooking for people. When I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is whip up a three course meal for one. That’s time consuming and depressing. When I come home from work, all I want to do is take my bra off, lay in bed, and stuff my face. I need things that can come right out of the cabinets and straight into my belly. No oven required.

7. Why are you so disgusting? Are you ever going to clean your apartment?

This one kind of speaks for itself. Don’t come over to my place. I don’t want you catching anything by sitting on my couch. Actually, I take that back. Please come over! That’s the only time I ever get any cleaning done, when I know someone is coming over and I have to make the place look somewhat presentable.

Why Are We All Getting Up In Arms Over the Ice Bucket Challenge

stop whining downton abbey

So I’ve already let you guys know that I don’t think too highly of Facebook. The past week Facebook has been even more annoying than usual and it’s all because of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. And no, it’s not the videos of my friends getting drenched with ice water that’s irritating. Those are usually entertaining. The thing I have a problem with is the people constantly complaining about the latest social media trend.

The premise for the Ice Bucket Challenge is pretty simple. I’m sure most of you are familiar but here’s a crash course for those who do not know about it yet. Once you are nominated, you have 24 hours to post a video of yourself being doused with ice water or you have to donate $100 to the ALS Association. If you decide to make a video, you still donate an amount of your choice and nominate three of your friends to do the challenge.

Seems like a fun gimmick that raises a ton of money for a good cause, right? Who in their right mind would have a problem with this? Well seems like a ton of people, who must be REALLY fun at parties, have a lot of animosity towards this challenge. I’ve seen a slew of people on my FB feed complaining about the abundance of videos, claiming that the posters are just looking for attention.

And a part of that is true. I bet a bunch of people are looking for a chance to get nominated so they can post a hilarious video of themselves getting covered with freezing cold water! Everything we put on social media is to get attention. But when it’s raising money for a horrible disease, why are we complaining? I’d rather see 100 Ice Bucket Challenge videos on my newsfeed than the usual selfies or “OMG I hate Mondays!” posts.

The bottom line is that this trend is raising money and the videos are helping. Last year from July 29 to August 19, the ALS Association raised $1.9 million. The same period this year? They have raised $22.9 million. People aren’t making these videos in an attempt to get out of donating. (Unless they are really shitty people. In that case, they should just get a bucket thrown at their head.) And the videos are a way to pass along the information and get more participants and donations.

Let’s stop shitting on people who want to have a little fun while donating to a good cause.

And one more thing, because I haven’t posted in awhile and I’m feeling generous, here’s Tom Hiddleston doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

tom hiddleston ice bucket

Any trend that gives me this photo is OK in my book.

If the Author of 50 Shades of Grey* Was Honest in Her Writing

The office - I don't get it. I just don't get it

This is me during the whole 50 Shades hysteria.

So I finally watched the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. It was more out of curiosity than anything else. There is much I can say about the trailer but I am not going to get into it here. Sure the girl playing Ana looks like she’s about 35 and Christian Grey could have been so good-looking if they just slapped some friggen facial hair on him. What I found interesting was that it looked like a trailer for a horror/thriller film. Christian Grey looked like a psychopath getting ready to murder his next victim. I hope this means the movies will be portraying Christian for what he really is: an obsessive, stalker, sociopath.

I remember expressing my disdain for this book and someone had the audacity to say to me, “I think you need to experience more to enjoy this book.” At the time, I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I came up with the perfect response in my head later that night: I think you need to read more to realize that these books are crap. What was this guy trying to imply anyway? Because I’ve never been locked up in a room and had anal beads shoved up my ass, I couldn’t possibly understand the complex story the author was trying to tell? Lolita is one of my favorite books of all time but this 50 Shades of Shit novel is just too taboo for me! That seems about right.

There are some real problems that can be discussed at length about this book. The way that women idolize Christian Grey is a big one when his only redeeming qualities are that he’s rich and good-looking. And the rich thing is a bit iffy. If you came across Donald Trump and he acted as psychotic as Christian Grey, even the most shameless of gold diggers would probably be like, “I don’t care how many diamond encrusted dildos this guy wants to buy me. He’s insane, I’m out.”

As someone who loves books more than anything in the world, what bothers me the most about 50 Shades of Grey is the writing. Holy guacamole is it bad! I have a serious problem with fanfiction becoming published work. (It’s the same reason I think City of Bones is a joke of a book.) Now, this isn’t knocking all fanfiction and those who write it. And it isn’t saying that just because someone writes fanfiction they don’t have the talent to become a published author. I just don’t think that people should be making money off of stories where the themes and characters were taken from someone else’s work. That’s right, people. Your beloved novel is basically Twilight 2.0. You all are going crazy over the human version of Bella and Edward banging.

Still undecided about whether or not you should read this book? The short answer is, “you shouldn’t.” But if you don’t want to take the advice from a random stranger (even though you should cause I really know what I’m talking about), I’m gonna sum up what the book is about in just a few short paragraphs and save you the trouble.

Christina Grey at Work
Look at me. I’m so important. I own an entire empire at such a young age. How you ask? I have no idea seeing as I barely do any work. Excuse me for a second, I need to go send an email. Haha, my hot secretary probably thinks I’m doing very important work right now. I’m really just emailing my girlfriend telling her how I want to tie her up and smack her around when I get home. *checks watch* Well, I’ve been here a whole five minutes. That’s enough work for the CEO for one week. Gotta go now and spank my girlfriend for a few hours.

Ana and Orgasms
I have a magical vagina. Oh excuse me, I mean down there area. You’ll never actually hear me call my down there area by its proper name. Now back to this magical “down there area” I have. Christian spanks me and I cum. He says my name and I cum. He looks at me and I cum. If I go into the bathroom after he’s taken a shit and smell it, I cum.

Ana and her Self-Esteem
I’m so plain-looking. My best guy friend is basically in love with me. I wish I could be beautiful like my roommate. Ya know that guy I keep comparing to a Greek God? He’s totally in love with me. Wah, why am I not pretty? Oh, male boss. Naturally he’s obsessed with me and wants me. So let’s see: I am completely average looking and have no discernible personality, yet everyone I come across that has a penis is instantly in love with me. Seems legit!

Christian and his Stalker Tendencies
That girl I just met. I like her. She pleases me. I shall have her. Time to call a private detective to tell me everything there is to know about her. Haha, silly girl doesn’t want to work for me and wants to get a job on her own in a different company. I don’t think so. I’m gonna just go buy that company now since I’m the richest person in the world and can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I cannot believe this girl thinks she can have a life on her own. Doesn’t she know who I am? I own her now.

Ana and her Inner Goddess and Subconscious
I bet you thought my boyfriend was the crazy one? Ha, think again! I clearly suffer from some multiple personality disorder. But it’s so cute. Look at my Inner Goddess! She’s doing a salsa dance in the corner cause Christian just fisted me at the dinner table. My subconscious wasn’t too happy. She was weeping over a Jane Austen novel trying to ignore the hand in her ass.

So that’s it people. That’s the entire novel. You’re welcome. For those of you still interested in seeing the movie, I’d like to tell you about this little thing we call porn. You should check it out. You’ll find better story lines and most likely better acting.

*To stop myself from being overly obnoxious, I refrained from calling the book and movie 50 Shades of Shit the whole post. It was difficult but I did it!