Do I Call You My Ex? The Case of the “Almost Relationship”

Almost Lover A Fine FrenzyAs someone who dates a lot but never actually ends up in a relationship, I often come across what I like to refer to as the “almost relationship.” This happens when you meet someone and there is intrigue and attraction. You can tell this isn’t going to be a one-date deal. You start to get into a routine. You talk almost every day and see each other a few times a week. It definitely seems like it’s leading to something and then after a few weeks or a couple of months, it starts to fade. Plenty of times nothing is actually said to end the “almost relationship.” You just start to talk less and less.

I am the first to admit that the majority of the times my “almost boyfriends” have turned into someone that I used to know (try reading that without singing, I dare you) is because of me. A huge part of it is my insane fear of commitment. I always think I want to be a relationship and I genuinely don’t want to wind up alone for the rest of my life, but the second I see things starting to get serious, I put an end to it. I’ll usually find something about the guy that I don’t like. Something that I just cannot put up with so clearly I have to put an end to this whole thing before it gets serious. Most of the time it’s a completely superficial thing. It’s just my way of ending things before they get into territory that scares me.

Twice I have found myself on the other end, and the second time came last night. Let me just say that it’s a horrible feeling. It’s not so much losing the person. Sure I liked the guy but three weeks is a short amount of time. I’ll easily be able to get over him and move on. The worst part of these “almost relationships” ending is the way it makes you feel. This person is just getting to know you. They’ve only seen the preview of you and have already decided that they’ve had enough and need to back away as fast as possible. That is a really shitty feeling. It doesn’t matter how nice the guy is about it and whatever reason he gives, you will wake up feeling like assballs. At least, assballs is what I felt like this morning when I woke up.

Coming to terms with the ending of an “almost relationship” is never fun but having been on both sides, I have learned a few things. When someone ends something with you before it even starts, you’re going to feel like it’s all your fault. Clearly there is something wrong with you. And here’s the thing, a part of it is you. This person did decide that they don’t want to be with you. But it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

Overall, it is all about the other person. There can a million reasons that someone decides they don’t want to be in a relationship. There are plenty of guys I’ve let go that were great guys and would make great boyfriends. They just weren’t right with me. Actually, I’ve had to deal with the regret of ending an “almost relationship” prematurely. There is one boy in particular who I always regret ending things with. And there is nothing I can do about it now because he’s in a relationship with someone else. See how that works. He was the one who probably felt crappy at the end of our relationship and now he’s doing fine and I’m pining away.

For anyone dealing with end of an “almost relationship,” I know it sucks. It’s a major blow to your ego and you’re going to need a few days to wallow and feel sad. Do it. Complain to your friends all you want. But remember that you’re going to move on very quickly. This person wasn’t in your life long enough to even make a dent. Moving on will be easy. And you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Think of all the people that you came across, lovely people, who you realized that you didn’t want to be with. We’re not going to want to date every person we meet. There’d be no fun and excitement if that were the case. One day you’re going to find yourself in an “almost relationship” that will seamlessly flow into an actual relationship. It may just take a little longer than you hoped for. At least, I know it’s taking a lot longer for me.

Because I’m feeling melancholy today and it fits with the theme of this post, here’s one of my favorite sad songs:

And, don’t forget to leave me some love in the comments. Comments always make me happy. And a happy blogger means more upbeat, funny posts in the near future.

You Should Definitely Hire Me

Glee Im awesome I have a job interview tomorrow. For a full time position at a library. This is a big deal. I am still in school working to get my MLS degree. Full time positions in libraries for people who don’t have the degree yet are almost impossible to find. So naturally, I am super nervous. Please send good vibes my way! I’m going to need them.

Job interviews are the worst. I always wonder if the people doing the interviewing are as miserable as the people being interviewed. It can’t be enjoyable for them either. And I also wonder if they realize that so much of what’s being thrown at them is bullshit. You’re not getting the true me during an interview. I’m way too nervous and eager to please to relax  and show you what a totally awesome employee I can be. And I am an awesome employee. Ask anyone I’ve worked with. (Except the people at the Applebee’s where I worked for two weeks before quitting an hour before my shift over the phone. Those people probably hate my guts.)

I wouldn’t outright lie on an interview. (I’m way to scared to do that. All those CSI shows have made people really good at finding out the truth.) But when you ask me why I want the job, I’m not going to tell you the number one reason: I’m poor and can’t afford not to work. Interviews are basically just a game. Can I figure out what the interviewer wants to hear and say it coherently? And the interviewer needs to be able to see through the bullshit and decide what’s actually relevant to the job being offered.

Here’s how a real interview would go if I were being honest with the questions being asked:

Why are you leaving your current position? “Well here’s the thing, I’m not 100% sure if I’m leaving my current position yet. That depends on whether or not you are willing to pay me more than they do. If you are, then I’m leaving my current position cause my employers are cheap. If you aren’t willing to pay me more, then I’m not leaving my current position because you’re cheap.

Why do you want to work for us? “I have spent the past week sending out 100 resumes a day. Out of those 500 resumes sent, three people contacted me back and you are the only ones who invited me in for an interview. Beggars can’t be choosy so I’ll work for anyone who’s willing to hire me.”

What’s your greatest weakness? “The first time I got drunk I was 16. It was at a friend’s house party. My friend Pamela and I bought a bottle of Georgi vodka to drink. Yea I’m talking about the vodka of choice for homeless people that you see advertisements for on the back of buses. So my friend and I buy this bottle, bring it to our friend’s house, and proceed to finish the entire thing. When I was in high school, I was lucky I weighed 100 pounds and I decided to spend my first real drinking experience on a half bottle of cheap vodka. As you can imagine, it did not end well. I remember leaving the kitchen while jumping on my friend’s back. The next minute, it was morning and I was lying on the floor, in pajamas, with throw up in my hair. I do not remember anything from that night. March of this year, I went to a wedding. It was on a Sunday so I drove my car to the wedding because I had orientation for a job early the next morning in the city and I didn’t want to get home late. I was all set to be extremely responsible. Well the reception started and all my friends were taking shots and I felt left out. The night ended with my friend driving my car and me puking at least three times in his bathroom. Naturally, I didn’t make it to the orientation the next morning. So what I’m trying to say is that my greatest weakness would be that after 13 years of drinking regularly I still do not have a full grasp on my limit. But I have recognized that vodka is just not for me and that I really shouldn’t mix drinks, so I’m learning.”

How well do you handle pressure and stressful situations? “I deal. I may have a few panic attacks along the way but if you provide me with some wine, and possibly some Klonopins, I should be OK.”

Where do you see yourself in five years? “Oh my God! Why would you ask that? I just told you I have panic attacks! Now I’m slowly doing math in my head and, hold on give me a second…in five years…I’ll be…34! Thanks for reminding me of that! Is the AC on in here? It’s really hot in here, no? Oh boy, five years. 34-years-old. I hope I’m married, or at least in a long-term committed relationship. Dear God, please don’t let that relationship be with a cat. Oh God, definitely not a cat. If it HAS to be a non-human companion, at least be a dog. Um, wow! Five years from now. I don’t know man. I like to live in the moment. Yea! That’s it. I’m a care free individual who lives in the moment and doesn’t worry about the future. I like to focus on the task at hand. How could I get any important deadlines finished if I’m worrying about the next five years? So, um, great question. What’s the next one?”

What is your desired salary? “You’re seriously asking me that? You do realize that’s a ridiculous question that all HR people should throw away forever, right? You’re not fooling me. I know you know how much you’re going to pay me. Now it’s just my job to state an amount that’s within that range. If I go too low, you’re either going to think I don’t value myself enough or you’re gonna pay me that instead of the original higher amount. If I go too high, you’re going to think I’m insane for actually thinking I’m worth that much and immediately tell me to get out of your office. But since you’re asking, my desired salary is one million dollars. Go big or go home!”

Do you have any questions for us? “Actually I do. How much does this job pay and how many vacation days do I get?”

Note to anyone who wants to complain about lazy, ungrateful young workers these days and/or future employers: This entire post is completely ridiculous, and terribly over-exaggerated. I am actually an extremely dedicated worker, with perfect written and oral communication skills, looking for a company where I can truly grow. 

I Have a Lot to Say About Sayings

Horrible bosses show her the fifty statesI am going to warn you guys now, things may start to get a little weird around these parts. For the next three months, aside from work 4 days a week, I don’t have a lot else going on. No deadlines to make. No fifteen-page papers due. The only thing I really have to get done this summer is research for my thesis. But this is me we’re talking about so I won’t even start thinking about it until the middle of August and then curse myself for waiting until the last minute. (I bet you’re thinking, “Liz, what’s wrong with you? Just do a little every day and you won’t get overwhelmed.” Well, a. This is just who I am. It’s already been decided. I’ll convince myself I don’t need a lot of time to do the research and then curse myself for not giving myself more time to do the research. b. Don’t tell me how to live my life!)

Basically, the point I’m trying to make is that I am going to have a lot of time on my hands. Lots of time to do more posting which will most likely result in a lot of nonsensical rambling. But I promise to try to make that nonsensical rambling as entertaining as possible.

Today’s nonsensical ramblings will feature popular sayings, idioms, phrases. Whatever you call them, and no matter how cliche they may be, we’ve all used them. But if you really think about some of them they are pretty ridiculous!

I started thinking about sayings after the term “raining cats and dogs” popped into my head the other day. Totally ridiculous saying that makes absolutely no sense but perfectly described New York City Sunday night. It really was raining cats and dogs. And the weather hasn’t gotten much better since. It’s been cold, rainy, and gross this week in NYC. It’s really been rubbing me the wrong way and making me feel a bit under the weather. (See: this whole post is brought to you by sayings!)

It is what it is. This was said to me by a guy I was dating (and really liked) when he was ending things with me because he wasn’t over his ex. All of this was done through instant messenger. It’s safe to say that when I hear someone say this phrase I immediately have the urge to punch them in the face, repeatedly.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. I don’t even understand this saying. Does this conversation ever happen at a restaurant? Diner: Waiter, I would like a slice of the chocolate cake. Waiter: Excellent choice! Would you like a fork or spoon? Diner: Oh neither, I’m not going to actually EAT the cake. What do you take me for? I just want to look at it. What is the point of having cake if you’re not going to eat it?

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Being the procrastinator that I am, I actually love this saying. Let’s not worry about things until we really have to. In fact, when we get to that bridge we can spend a few days camping under it to buy ourselves some more time.

Best thing since sliced bread. Look, I love bread. Who doesn’t? And sliced bread really was a great invention cause it made sandwiches possible. But are we really going to declare sliced bread to be the best thing ever? Cars, computers, television, cupcakes…all these things and we go with sliced bread to be the beacon of modern inventions? Something doesn’t add up.

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I’d like to vote to change the phrase to simply be “Waking up.” Let’s not blame the bed. There is no wrong side of the bed. Beds are amazing. The problem is having to wake up and leave the bed. That’s what puts me in a foul mood.

Saved by the bell. Can anyone hear this saying and not think of Zack Morris? History lesson: I actually looked up the origins of this saying and it was rumored to have to do with helping people who may have been accidentally buried alive. A bell would be attached to the coffin so if the buried person suddenly woke up to discover they were wrongly laid to rest, they can just ring the bell to get help. Apparently, being buried alive happened quite a lot way back when. But sadly, this rumor isn’t true. The phrase refers to boxing. Not nearly as interesting.

Side note: If anyone takes it upon themselves to cry that I just don’t understand what the sayings actually mean, I will give you an “It is what it is” punch in the face!

Maybe I’m Not So Bad at this Whole Adult Thing

uiversally recognized as a mature and responsible adultSometimes I find myself taking a step back and really looking at my life. It’s a scary thing and I’m often left wondering, “Why do you even consider yourself a functioning member of society?”

I am failing at this adult thing in so many epic ways. I mean, there are people my age who own a house and have more than one kid! I feel like having a goldfish is too much responsibility.

But then I down a glass of wine and remind myself that it could be a lot worse. Sure I don’t have all my shit together but a portion of it is. And that has to count for something, right? So I’m going to take the time right now to go over all the awesome ADULT things I’ve got going for me. (Be warned: Lots of boasting up ahead!)

1. I have a savings account with a decent amount in it. I’m not rolling in the dough but if God forbid I lost my job, my savings would keep me afloat for several months.

2. I have a good credit score. Ya know those FreeCreditReport.com commercials? I have the kind of credit score that they’d sing about being “Very Goood!”

3. I pay all of my bills on time. (This explains the “very good” credit score.) I tend to pay my bills at least a week before they’re due so extra points for me.

4. I file my taxes on time every year. I may not do them myself but isn’t that what accountants are for? I get them done so that’s all that matters.

5. I make my own doctor’s appointments. I may not do it as regularly as I should. However, that has more to do with the fact that it’s still super expensive even with my insurance. But when something starts to seriously hurt, I make sure to get myself to a doctor before it gets any worse.

6. I work and am fully capable of holding down a job. In fact, I’ve never been fired from a job and since I was 15, I’ve only gone about two months without working.

7. There are several dishes that I am able to make in the kitchen without burning the house down. And no, these dishes do not include toast and Kraft mac and cheese. Some of these dishes I can make without even using a recipe book!

8. I just survived one full year of grad school and managed to get good grades in all my classes. All this was done while holding down several different jobs. If that’s not adulting, then I don’t know what is.

So now I encourage you to toot your own horn. How are you just killing it at this whole adult thing?

Thoughts of a Perpetually Single Girl

i'm so singleI’m the single friend. I’m always the single friend. Relationships and I go together like peanut butter and tuna fish.

Now the Internet would have you believe that single people can only be one of two things: Either I am strutting in my 6-inch heels shouting to the world that “I’m an independent woman and I don’t need no man” or I am lying in bed, downing my fifth glass of wine, and crying while yet another friend is getting engaged, all while shouting to the world that “I’m forever alone.”

Here’s the thing: being the perpetually single girl means I do a little bit of both. It’s the best of times. It’s the worst of times. Sometimes it’s really fucking awesome and sometimes it really fucking sucks. See, it’s not so different than what it’s like to be in a relationship.

1. “There has to be something wrong with me.” This thought will pop into your head at some point. You just can’t seem to find someone that you genuinely like and would want to commit to. Everyone else seems to fall into relationships so easily so clearly the problem must lie with you.

2. Whenever someone comes to you to complain about their relationship (and they always seem to come to you like you’re clearly the expert), you feel much better about your single status. Relationships can be great but they can also be really stressful. Hearing someone complain about the latest drama in their relationship will make you incredibly grateful that you don’t have to deal with any of that.

3. You’ll want to smack the people who ask, “Why are you still single?” Everything about that question is obnoxious and it needs to be wiped out of existence immediately.

4. When you go out, there’s always that possibility of meeting someone. We all know they say things come when we’re not looking for them or when we least expect them. However, when you’re perpetually single, it’s always in the back of your mind that you can meet someone when out. And this is a good thing. The possibility of meeting someone new is exciting.

5. You will cherish your single friends, especially when you start getting older. Making a new friend in your late twenties and finding out that she’s single as well is basically the equivalent to finding out your kindergarten classmate’s favorite color is also blue. Instant best friends!

6. While you’re incredibly happy for them, a part of you will get sad when one of your single friends gets into a relationship. “Why did you go over to the dark side?”

7. Realizing that you could go on vacation tomorrow or move cross country without having to take anyone else into consideration except yourself is an amazing feeling.

8. You will become incredibly comfortable being single. Sometimes you’ll fear that you might be getting a little too comfortable. “I have to share this luxurious bed with another human being for the rest of my life? What if they’re not cool with Oreos in bed? That’s no way to live!”

9. Going to weddings will suck. Even if you are doing fine with your singleness, it will be a reminder of just how single you really are. Getting invited with a plus one is always a dilemma. “Do I scramble to see if I can get a date to come with me or do I just suck it up and go alone?”

10. Seeing a razor in the winter will make you pause and think, “What the hell is that?” My legs resemble Chewbacca in the winter because no one is seeing them but me.

11. Meeting someone new who *GASP* you actually like is incredibly scary. You’ll make yourself crazy thinking of all the ways you are going to mess it up because your track record has shown that this cannot end well.

12. But deep down you know that no matter how things turn out with the new guy, you’ll be OK. You’ve figured out long ago that you’re OK being alone and don’t need to be in a relationship.

Why Growing Up In Brooklyn Was The Best

There's no Place Like Home
So I noticed that while my posts are hilarious and relatable (modesty is not in my vocabulary), they are very general. They could have been written by anyone. Aside from a few tidbits here and there, I haven’t revealed much about myself. I bet some of you don’t even know my name. And since I know you’re just keeping yourself up at night wondering what it is, I’m here to tell you: It’s Liz! And if you’re dying to know more about the lady behind this blog (don’t kid yourself, of course you are!), I’ve updated my About Me to make it a little more personal.

But wait, there’s more! Last year I went on a rant (one of my many) bitching about New York City and how it’s not as great as the media would have you believe. I still stand by that post, and could make a brand new one with all the new reasons I’ve discovered to hate the city. But it’s still very much a love/hate relationship when it comes to New York. I have a friend who grew up in Massachusetts and now lives in New York. I was bitching about New York and how it’s not that great. All he said in return was, “That’s what I’ve been saying.” I immediately wanted to bitch slap him while singing Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York.” I can talk trash about this city all I want but when someone else does, I get testy.

Because as much as I hate many things in New York (it’s dirty, way too expensive, overly-crowded), I still wouldn’t have wanted to grow up anywhere else. This may just be my annoying New York arrogance showing but I take pride in saying that I grew up in Brooklyn. I love where I’m from and feel a little badly for anyone who is from somewhere else.

So why so much Brooklyn pride from someone who has spent so much time bitching about where she lives? Glad you asked. Let me fill you in on why growing up in Brooklyn in the 90s (before a bunch of hipsters from the Midwest took over) was the best.

This was my backyard
Prospect Park Long Meadow Brooklyn
If you ever visit New York, everyone will insist that you visit Central Park. And I do agree with them. Central Park is awesome. But don’t forget its much cooler younger sister: Prospect Park. From the Zoo to the Botanical Gardens, this was by far my favorite place growing up. There was always something new to find. It was like exploring my very own Secret Garden.

Diversity
Every time I see some new Buzzfeed article telling white people what they shouldn’t say to minorities, I cringe. Is it not common knowledge that it’s rude to ask another person if you can touch their hair? Growing up my best friends were Chinese, Jewish, and Puerto Rican. I was introduced to all different races and cultures since Pre-K. It’s crazy to me to think that some people don’t meet someone outside of their own race until they reach college.

Friends

That's little Liz in the middle on the top pic and big Liz on the left in the bottom pic.

That’s little Liz in the middle on the top pic and big Liz on the left in the bottom pic.

When people brag about having the same best friend since college or even high school, I can’t help but get a little hipster. It’s cute but I’ve had the same best friends since Kindergarten. Yes, friendships aren’t measured in time and I’ve met some wonderful people since then, but there is something about being friends with the same person since before you were able to fully read. You know all of each other’s secrets cause you were there for them. You’re close with their family. Some people aren’t lucky to ever find a friend that they truly connect with. I was lucky to find two at the ripe old age of five! And while we’re all grown up now and have busy lives, we’re still best friends. I guess we just do friendship better in the BK.

Independence
I had a lot of independence growing up. Part of it may have been the decade. Parents just don’t let their kids play outside now like they did in the nineties. I was always playing outside. The schoolyard was the place to be. And I can’t even remember exactly when I took the train for the first time by myself but I had to be at least 10.

Field Trips
When you live in such a culturally diverse city, it’s natural that your class field trips are going to be awesome, and my trips in elementary and junior high did not disappoint. There were farms, museums, and science centers. I even got to see my first Broadway show for the senior class trip when I graduated elementary school. It was Cats!

FOOD!
It’s no secret that I love. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. And growing up in Brooklyn I was introduced to some really great food at a young age. Whether it’s a sicilian slice at Spumoni Gardens or cheese fries at Roll N Roaster, plenty of the places I grew up loving are still there today. That’s a pretty great feat when taking into consideration that so much of my borough has changed in the last ten years or so. Eating a home cooked meal was even better, whether it was Italian at home, or Chinese or Spanish at a friend’s house.

So now that I’m done bragging about my hometown, it’s your turn. What’s so great about where you grew up?

What I Say Versus What I Mean

Bridge-Jones i didn't mean itWhen I first started this blog I was all like, “I’m going to post every Monday and Friday. Start everyone’s week off right and then send them into the weekend with a bang.” I was really reaching with that. Mostly because I assumed people would look to my blog to jump-start their weekends like I’m a shot of Jameson, but also because I actually thought I could write two posts a week. That quickly changed to, “I’m going to post at least once a week.” Clearly I’ve been AMAZING with that. Now my motto with this blog is, “I’ll try to stop by once every four years.” I’m the leap year of blogs! So happy February 29th bitches! I’m here with a new post.

After I finish this post and publish it, I am definitely go to tell myself that I will write more often. I will really try to stick to once a week. I’m lying! What I’m really saying is: “Every night before I go to sleep I will come up with some really great ideas for a post. I will write it all out in my head and it will be insightful and hilarious. Morning will come and I’ll forget 95% of it. But that’s OK cause it’ll eventually come back to me, right? Then I’ll start a draft while at work and come up with a title and add some tags to the post. The post will sit in my drafts for weeks before I open up this blog again and start a new draft with a new idea I wrote in my head the night before and quickly forgot. Then three months after this post was published I will FINALLY write a new post and the cycle will start all over again.”

Here are a few other things 99% of the time I am lying about.

What I say: Between work and school I honestly don’t have any time for a boyfriend right now.
What I really mean: School and work do keep me busy but I do have some free time. But I’d much rather use that free time watching TV or hanging out with friends than suffering through an uncomfortable date with someone I met from OK Cupid.

What I say when someone asks if I want to go get food with them: No, it’s OK. I already ate.
What I really mean: I did not already eat. And even if I did already eat, I’d still want to go get food with you cause I love food. There will never be a scenario where I actually don’t want to go get food. This statement really means that I am broke and while I’d love to go eat, my wallet won’t allow it.

What I say: I don’t like the gym. I like to go running.
What I really mean: I like the idea of running. I like it a lot. I’ve even purchased running shorts and these snazzy running sneakers (they’re purple and pink in case you were wondering). And I have good intentions when it comes to running. I love the spring weather and it always makes me want to go outside and run. But what usually happens is I go out after work on a Monday all set to run a mile. I run one block, lose my breath, walk about 10 blocks, try to run again, give up, and go home. Next Monday rolls around and the process repeats itself until the summer comes and it’s just too hot to run. The idea of running will pop into my head when fall rolls around but before I can actually start any sort of routine it’s winter again.

What I say when I’m hungover: I am NEVER drinking again! It’s just not worth it. I’m not 22 anymore and the recovery time is just too much for me to handle.
What I really mean: So who wants to take this shot with me?