Life is Really Hard Guys


Last night I watched the documentary Happy Valley (about Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky, and Penn State Football) and was reminded how self-centered and ridiculous human beings can be. A student, who’s a huge fan of Penn State Football, was being interviewed. This student was complaining how hard it’s been to be a Penn State fan since the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Now whenever he tells anyone that he’s a fan he has to go through the process of also stating that he feels bad for the victims. So many boys were sexually assaulted but this dude has to defend his fandom. Life is really hard guys.

That example may be a bit extreme when talking about people being self-centered. A less extreme, but just as ridiculous, example was me last night.

Coming home from work I realized that my phone kept turning off, restarting, and then turning off again after about a minute. It kept repeating this process. As soon as I got home I called customer service. We tried some basic troubleshooting but nothing worked. IT informed me that they’d have to reset my phone and I’d lose everything on it. Contacts, photos, everything! After groaning and trying to hold back my tears, I told them I’d call back in an hour. I spent the next hour trying to write down all my contacts. Keep in mind I had to do this while my phone kept turning off every minute. I did all this only to find out I’d need to buy a new phone and would be phone-less for the next three days. This news made me sit back and actually say the words, “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” No it’s not! Sure I was hungry and tired, but that’s not an excuse. Being phone-less isn’t even in the top ten worst things that could happen to me.

We have become a bunch of complainers, and about the most ridiculous things. Here are just a few things we need to stop bitching about.

“My pizza is too hot to eat even though I told the guy at the counter to not leave it in the oven for too long.” Wah, I have hot food! This is soo difficult. Take several seats and wait the five minutes for the pizza to cool. Or eat it right away despite burning the roof of your mouth like the true fatty I know you are.

“I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom.” Now you have to shit without scrolling through facebook. Oh the horror!

“I was trying to take a screenshot but instead I turned the screen off.” I know it’s really important for you to immediately screenshot this conversation so you and your friend can decipher the real meaning behind that “k” text.

“Ugh, I have to sit through this 6-hour flight to California.” Poor baby, you have to sit through two viewings of Titanic in order to get yourself all the way across the friggen country. Read a book and enjoy your flight!

“I am trying to finish writing out this text but I keep hitting all the green lights.” You are complaining about catching green lights. I am so done with you!

“There’s no more guacamole for them to put on my burrito bowl.” OK, this one is legit. As far as end-of-the-world events go, this one is right up there with global warming. Is there some sort of avocado shortage that I’m not aware of? Get your shit together Chipotle. You should never be out of guacamole!


Questions I Don’t Think There are Answers To

I would like an answer to that question

Ugh, I started school. Going through my coursework for each class I determined that by the end of this semester I will have written at least 200 pages, eaten 5,000 chocolate chips cookies, and drank no less than 100 bottles of wine. It’s going to be stress central.

I am going to try my hardest to keep up with this blog but I will not be making any promises. I can be lax with with my posts when I don’t have much going on. You add a job, four classes, writing a thesis, and job hunting to the mix and I don’t see myself posting more than two times before the semester is over. I apologize now. I know how sad and empty your lives will be without my gif-filled anecdotes about my crappy life.

But I’m here now before things get too crazy. And I have a lot of questions…questions that I don’t even think Einstein would be able to answer.

1. Why do men send dick pics? What do they expect to get out of it?

guys who send dick pics gifSeriously, what is going through a dude’s mind when he sends an unsolicited dick pic to a girl he’s talking to? What do you actually think is going to happen? Maybe you think the following will happen: A girl will see the pic and think, “Ya know, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this greasy dude from Tinder but now this pic of his half-hard dick in shitty lighting has made me swoon. I need him inside me right now!” Trust me when I say that this is never going to happen. Instead it looks a little more like this: The girl will see the pic and after throwing up the last thing she ate, she’ll immediately text her friends so they can all laugh at you.

2. How do some women wake up every morning and put on a full face of make-up? No disrespect. I admire you beautifully put together females! I want to know your secrets. I give myself enough time to throw on clothes and brush my teeth in the morning. That’s why I wind up looking like a boiled potato at work every day. I wish I had the energy and patience to actually put effort into my face and hair in the morning.

3. Why are the Kardashians famous? I am not even going to use this opportunity to bash the Kardashians and complain about them being everything that is wrong with society. I am actually going to give them props. They are richer than I will probably ever be in my entire life. I would gladly throw away all my integrity if it meant I can live in a huge mansion, go on spectacular vacations, and never work another day in my life. This question is directed towards the fans. What is it about Kim Kardashian or Kylie Jenner that makes you a fan? I am genuinely curious what makes people look up to these women and want to follow them on every social media site. You’re the reason they are rich and famous and I will never understand it.

4. Why do people care that gay marriage is legal? You want to think gay marriage is an abomination, go right ahead! You want to cry yourself to sleep at night because all the gays are gonna burn in hell for loving someone of the same gender, here are some tissues! You are free to think whatever the hell you want, but why do you care soooo much about the marriage of two consenting adults? Adam and Steve falling in love and getting married does not affect you in any way! Two guys or two girls getting married does not negate your precious “traditional same-sex marriage.” Marriage equality has absolutely no affect on your life whatsoever!

5. Why is turkey bacon a thing? turkey bacon is grossI am well known for my hatred of turkey bacon. The  crazy Christians (Don’t get offended. If you’re a Christian that recognizes that not everyone follows the same faith as you, you’re not the crazy bunch I’m referring to) can have their disdain for gay marriage but I know what the real abomination is: Turkey Bacon. That shit is the devil’s food and it needs to be stopped. It does not deserve to have the word bacon in it. Bacon, REAL bacon, is a gift from God and should not be disrespected like this.

6. How come when you have a sore in your mouth you will bite that exact spot no less than 27 times during every meal? Maybe there is some answer to this. Maybe there’s some scientific reason that our brain wants to punish us and make us suffer every time we try to eat with a sore. Is it my brain telling me to stop eating like a fucking fatty?? Whatever the answer, it’s not very nice and it hurts. I’m not going to stop eating the taco no matter how bloody my mouth may get.

7. Why do some people only take morning showers? There are so many things about morning shower people that I do not get. For starters, how do you have the time? Refer to the second question if you don’t understand. Who the hell has time to shower in the morning? I’m lucky I can wash my face. Additionally, what exactly are you washing off? The dirty dreams you had the night before? I take a shower at night, like a normal person. I wash off the dirt and grime from the day so I can put on clean pajamas and get into bed. Who feels comfortable getting into bed without showering? That’s just wrong. Your bed is a sanctuary and it deserves better than that.

8. How come when my alarm goes off during the week I feel like I can sleep for another 7 hours straight but on the weekends I’m up no later than 8 am? You will never, ever feel as comfortable in your bed as you do right after you hit the snooze button the first time. That feeling only competes with realizing you have to pee right after you’ve settled in and found the perfect position. I set my alarm a little earlier than I need to wake up because I know that I’m a lazy sloth and will never get up as soon as it goes off. I need that extra five 45 minutes. After I hit that snooze, I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I’d gladly sleep the next twenty years away. But then Saturday and Sunday come along and I’m up at the crack of dawn. I don’t get it.

9. Does Netflix and Chill really not mean Netflix and Chill? 

netflix and chillWhen did this happen? When did Netflix and Chill become a euphemism for sex? I don’t know when this happened but I do not like it! If you invite me over for Netflix and Chill, you better put your penis away. I am expecting Netflix and Chill. I want pizza, wine, and at least 10 episodes of OITNB!


This Is the Funniest Comment Section I’ve Ever Come Across

get off my lawnI spent one of my last posts bitching about how horrendous the comments section on any online article can be. I still stand by that fact but I also will admit to constantly reading the comments on an article. I can’t help it. I want to look away, I know it’s going to be horrible and make me lose faith in humanity, but I feel myself getting sucked into it. I imagine this is how most viewers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians feel.

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed and the comments are a gold mine. Instead of making me cry, I was laughing hysterically. In case you weren’t convinced that people will get offended from everything these days, this comment section will prove that. The article just lists 33 facts about the class of 2019 that will make us folks in our twenties and thirties feel old. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, it was a hilarious shit show in the comments section as children came out of the woodworks to comment about their superiority because they in fact do know what a flip phone is! Sure you know what a flip phone is but do you know what I mean when I say Zach Morris phone?

Zack morris phone

The article mostly listed the way things were when the class of 2019 was born. TV shows that came out, music that was popular, etc. Apparently that’s a SUPER offensive thing to do. How dare you tell a 13-year-old that they never had to deal with dial up? At first when I was reading the article, it made me feel super old. Seeing all these things from my childhood was too much nostalgia. Then when I read the comments, I remembered how dumb you are when you’re a teenager and I no longer felt so badly about being old. It’s the equivalent of me reading an article about how someone my age will never understand the hysteria of Beatlemania and then getting angry because I know so many Beatles’ songs. Knowing about something is not the same as living it.

Since I’m not much into cyber bullying, I’ll leave out the commenters names but here are some of the gems found in the comments section:

December 2001 for me. These things were my childhood, if that makes sense. I’d say maybe 30 out of 33 of these things are something that I do remember.
First off, you were born in December 2001. You are 13-years-old; you’re still in your childhood. Do we not teach the concept of memory in school anymore? You do not remember most of these things, you know about them. Britney Spears performed “I’m Slave for You” with a snake before you were even born! You do not REMEMBER the greatest pop culture couple: Britney and Justin. You only know about them through bittersweet pictures. And if you actually remember using MySpace then I want to ask your parents why they allowed their 4-year-old to create a social media account.
i was born in 2000 and i also find some of these things a bit inaccurate. My first phone was a Sony Ericsson feature phone.
Child, you need to take several seats. I got my first phone when I was about 15-16. You are 15 and reminiscing about what your FIRST phone was.
its not commentary between the diffrences between our generations because they are not vaild facts so therefore not valid diffrences and in 10 to 20 years i wont be in yall sad postion because i will be out flying on my hover jet talking to siri 17.0 that was installed in my brain
I also hope that 10-20 years from now you learn about punctuation and spelling.

buzzfeed- your future audience will be our generation so it’s time to stop picking on us and making “90’s Kids Will Remember” posts because we get the gist and every article is pretty much the same. i’m sick of these types of posts lol.

“We are not entitled brats with no sense of humor but if you do not start making every post about us, we will become incredibly offended and stop reading your stuff!” I don’t think logic starts developing in a person until they are at least 20.

I’m here to tell you that, no matter how old you feel, if you were a 90s kid, you’re not old. LOL For those of us who were born in the 60s, grew up in the 70s, partied like crazy in the 80s, and became professional adults in the 90s, your angst over feeling old makes us want to pat your head and smile, then shuffle off with our walkers chuckling to ourselves.
This was my favorite one because it put both the 90s and the 00s kids in their places for being the obnoxious brats that we are!
young people don't know anything

Reasons Why Fall is the Best Season

fall is the best season

I try my hardest not to complain about the summer. I spend the majority of the winter bitching about it being too cold. I feel like I can really only have one season I’m allowed to hate or else it’s just me being miserable 50% of the time. Summer is long and hot but it’s the lesser of two evils when compared to winter. But I’d rather do without summer as well. It’s the ending of August. Fall is right around the corner and it cannot come soon enough.

Fall is the greatest season by far. If you don’t agree with me, then you’re wrong. This is one of those rare cases when opinions are also facts. My girl Wendi, over at This, That and the Other Thang knows what’s up. She recently went over all the ways that fall is infinitely better than summer and I couldn’t agree with her more. Here are 25 of my own reasons why fall is the best of the best.

1. Football season. Football is the best sport to watch and the beginning of fall also coincides with the beginning of football.

2. Baseball playoffs. Football may be the most fun sport to watch but baseball will always have my heart. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is better than a game 7 between two equally matched teams. And not to get all superior Yankee fan on everyone but being a fan of the pinstripes means that I’ve enjoyed plenty of playoff games in my lifetime.

3. I lose weight. There’s this myth that people lose weight in the summer and tend to gain more weight in the cooler months. I’m not buying it. For the past few years, I’ve packed on an extra 5-10 pounds in the summer months. Pounds that I gradually lose during the fall. I blame it on all the bbqs and beer in July and August.

mean girls halloween

4. Halloween. Christmas may be number one on my list of favorite holidays but Halloween is the most fun. What’s better than a holiday that lets you dress up and eat tons of candy?

5. Thanksgiving. Halloween and Thanksgiving are tied for second on my list of favorite holidays. I really, really love Thanksgiving. Between the parade and tons and tons of food, Thanksgiving is the best!

6. The cooler weather. I want a dollar every time I use the word crisp when describing the weather in fall. I’d have a whole lot of dollars. Fall is a great season to be outside and enjoy the crisp weather. *places a dollar in the crisp weather jar*

Fall leaves

7. All the pretty colors. Oh man is fall beautiful. Like, really, really beautiful. I prefer my leaves to be more than just different shades of green.

8. Boots, sweaters, and leggings. That is my go-to uniform throughout fall. It’s comfy and adorable. And it conceals those extra pounds before I fully lose them.

9. Apple and pumpkin picking. This activity is not just for kiddies. Going to a local farm for some apple and pumpkin picking is a great fall activity, and when you get home you can bake a fresh apple pie and carve some pumpkins.

10. Staying inside without feeling guilty. If I spend all day or all night inside during the summer, I feel a little guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I still do it. But there is a sense of guilt that I should be outside enjoying the warm weather. Fall is made for staying indoors with a hot beverage and your favorite book or movie.

11. The start of winter aka the only time it’s tolerable. Winter technically starts on December 22nd but we all know that the cold, winter weather starts way before that date. But when winter weather seeps into fall, it’s not a bad thing. We’re not at that point where we’re sick of snow and digging our cars out. The first snow fall usually happens in November (October if winter wants to be a real bitch) and it’s still exciting and fun to see snow at this stage.

12. Haunted houses and other Halloween-related festivities. I love getting scared. I’ll gladly pay $40 to have someone jump out of the bushes and scare me to death. Haunted houses, haunted corn mazes, haunted hay rides. You add the word haunted in front and I’m down.

13. Scary movies. Scary movies are my favorite genre. I will watch them no matter the season but curling up under a blanket during the fall while watching a scary movie is oh so satisfying.

14. Bugs go back to their rightful place in this world. And that place is hell! It’s no secret that bugs are my biggest enemy and that I hate them with a passion. They come out swinging when the weather gets warmer and it’s one of the main reasons I can’t be fully down with summer. But during the fall they make their descent back down to the fiery pits of hell where they belong.

15. Comfort food. Give me stews, pies, casseroles, pot roasts! Give me it all! Fall is made for comfort food.

16. No shaving. No more summer dresses, bikinis, or shorts means that I can let my legs get as hairy as I want. It’s a beautiful thing.

dark fall nail polish color

17. Dark toenails, fingernails, and hair. My default color for my nails in the summer is pink. But dark reds, browns, and even black are so much cooler. It makes me, the least hardcore person you will ever meet, feel a bit edgy.

18. You can actually chill outside. When summer really kicks in, you cannot just chill outside unless you are by water. When winter really kicks in, you cannot chill outside period. The only time I spend outside in the winter is the walk to my car, and even that makes me want to cry. But fall, fall is amazing. Throw on a big sweater or a light jacket and you can sit outside all day!

19. Bonfires and s’mores. You know what helps warm you up if the fall weather gets a little too crisp (another dollar for me)? A warm fire. Add some chocolate and marshmallows to that fire and it’s a party!

20. Back-to-school sales. Even if you’re not going back to school in the fall, you can still take advantage of back-to-school sales. It’s the perfect time to stock up on all the extra highlighters you need in your life.

21. It smells great outside. This is one that I can’t even fully describe. Fall just has this certain smell to it that’s amazing. I wish I could bottle it up and wear it all year round. With less sweaty bodies and hot garbage outside, the air just smells cleaner.

22. Scarves and hats are great ways to accessorize. Fall clothing really is the greatest. Throwing on a colorful scarf or hat before you walk out the door can turn a mundane outfit fashionable.

dog playing in leaves

23. Crunchy leaves. That dog is having so much fun and I want to play right along with him. Whether you’re eight or eighty (or a dog), nothing is more satisfying than playing in crunchy, colorful leaves.

24. An extra hour of sleep. Sure it is a little depressing the first time you step out of work and the sun has already set, but that extra hour of sleep you gain during daylight saving time almost makes up for it.

25. The best of the holiday season. Technically the holidays are in the winter, but the holiday season occurs during fall. The majority of “the most wonderful time of the year” happens before winter ever really begins.

The Internet is a Strange Place

That's just weird - jeremy renner

I was in California last week. It was really nice to get away but I am glad to be back home. I missed the East Coast. I can bitch and moan about New York all I want, but anytime I leave, I can’t wait to get back. The only thing that makes me sad about coming back is that it signifies the beginning of the end of my summer break. My summer Fridays are officially over and I go back to school this Thursday! I can’t believe it’s already almost time for school again. I’m excited to start my final semester but also a little nervous. I wish I could get another week or two without the stress of school.

The return of school means that I’m going to be posting even less frequently than I do now. I know this is very sad news. Try not to cry too much. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of papers that I’ll need to procrastinate on. Writing a post will be the perfect distraction. But for now, before school really starts to kick my ass, I’m bringing you a new post. Yay! A new post where I talk about how confusing I find the Internet sometimes.

The Internet is a very confusing and weird place. Of course, it doesn’t confuse me as much as it did Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel back in 1994. I obviously know how the Internet works and what it’s for: Porn! But there are plenty of times I find myself shutting down the computer and saying, “That’s enough Internet for today.” Here are just a few things that have me scratching my head.

1. The comments section on any article ever written. If you want to lose your faith in humanity on a regular basis, just read the comments on any article. It doesn’t matter what the subject is. There could be an article about firemen saving babies and puppies from a burning building and commenters will somehow find a way to be despicable. The comments usually have to do with the gays pushing the gay agenda on innocent children or women being shameless whores. Want to know the quickest way to be told you should be raped and killed? Be a female (or pretend to be a female) and disagree with something in the comments section. It’s that easy.

2. The Humans of New York FB page. Remember what I just said about commenters on the Internet? Well, when you visit HONY, it’s the complete opposite.  Humans of New York is the single most beautiful area on all the Internet. If you aren’t familiar with HONY, you need to familiarize yourself immediately. The posts and the comments from readers is reason enough to keep your FB account active. You will laugh, you will cry, you will have your faith in humanity restored.

3. Benedict Cumberbatch. We all know that I’m in love with the Internet’s number one boyfriend. But there’s another geeky, tall British lad that everyone seems to be in love with and I just do not get it. Sorry, but I just do not get the obsession with Benedict Cumberbatch. Sure he’s a good actor and makes a great Sherlock but is he hot? I’m gonna have to pass. This is one thing about the Internet that I’ll never understand.

4. Snapchat, Vine, and the newest social media app that probably came out earlier today. Things were much simpler when I was a teenager. It started with MySpace and then we gradually moved to Facebook. Not to get all back-in-my-day old lady on everyone, but these days a new social media app comes out every hour. Who can keep up with that? I have FB and Instagram, and that’s more than enough social media for me. How do teenagers have time for anything else when dealing with 500 different apps at once?

5. A person’s Internet personality. The persona some people take on while hiding behind a computer is very different from who they are in real life. And yes, this does have a lot to do with commenters. People say a lot of shitty things to strangers on the Internet that they would never have the balls to say in real life. But this also pertains to people on social media. You know what I’m talking about. You ever have someone you know in real life and actually like them but then see their posts on FB or Instagram and immediately want to punch a whole in a wall or their face? Social media can really bring out the worst in people. Even people you would normally like.

6. YouTube stars. So E! Online caused a shit storm the other day for having the audacity to question whether some of the celebrities at the Teen Choice Awards were actually celebrities. Naturally, people got angry because you cannot do anything these days without getting someone angry. E! Online was talking about the plethora of Vine and YouTube stars walking the red carpet. I’ve watched some Jenna Marbles videos before and she can be very funny, but I don’t think I could subscribe to several different accounts watching random people tell me about their day and show me how to put on make-up. I realize the irony of me saying that on my personal blog that I want people to read but I would never pretend that I’m a celebrity. Sorry, this is another thing about the Internet that I will never get.

7. Cats. And no I am not talking about the Broadway show. I’m talking about the devil’s children who will sneak into your baby’s room at night and steal its breathe (while this may or may not be true, let’s pretend it is cause it supports my case against cats). Now cats on the Internet are really cute. Like, really, really, really cute. What I want to know is, where are these cats in real life? Every cat I’ve ever come across either didn’t even look my way or looked at me and hissed like I murdered every member of its family. No amount of cute YouTube cat clips can convince me that they are better than dogs.

Every Day is Book Lovers Day

belle - i love reading

Today is Book Lovers Day. And while I don’t need a special day telling me to sit back and read, it’s nice to have a whole day dedicated to the love of books. I’m one of those people whose heart breaks when someone tells me they don’t like reading. I’m a firm believer in the saying, “If you think reading is boring, you’re doing it wrong.” I am convinced that everyone can learn to love reading with a little push and shove. All of us who love reading can remember the things that turned us into readers for life. A certain book or series that solidified our love.

For some the love for reading does come more natural than others. My mother loves to always talk about my obsession with books, even at a young age, reaching for books at the age of one over every other toy offered. I read my first book when I was three-years-old, Bears on Wheels. Sure most of that “reading” was just memorization but this is still one of my mother’s favorite stories to tell (brag about!). Between the ages five and seven, I probably went through every single book Stan and Jan Berenstain had to offer. Twenty years later, these books will always hold a special place in my heart, especially The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habitas I still struggle with a nasty nail biting habit to this day.

After that I progressed to my Nancy Drew and Harriet the Spy books. It was nice to escape the reality of being an awkward preteen and pretend to be Nancy or Harriet. Needless to say I spent a lot of time “solving mysteries” in my house.

Matilda will forever be my one of my favorite books. The movie is also one of my favorites. It made me realize how amazing it can be to see your favorite literary characters come to life on the big screen.

matilda - i love to read

I remember reading Go Ask Alice, A Child Called It, and It Happened to Nancy. Stories about drugs, rape, AIDS, and abusive, sadistic parents. Thankfully they were horrors in the world that I otherwise would have been blissfully unaware of. I couldn’t get enough of these tragic stories, slowly realizing that life is not as easy as my 12-year-old self thought it was.

And Speak is probably the book that solidified me as a reader for life. I felt a connection with Melinda Sordino that I wasn’t able to fully get with any other character I’d read about before. I felt her pain and wanted to be her friend.

Sometimes finding your love for reading just takes some trial and error. Some people may not have any desire to ever read the classics, and that’s fine. As long as you’re reading, that’s all that really matters. Try out a few different genres to see what sticks. You’re never going to like every book you come across. If you find a book boring and think all reading is boring, then clearly you’re doing it wrong.

So in honor of National Book Lovers Day and because I am always looking for new books to add to me to-read list, what are some of your favorite books?

Note: This post originally ran in a blog I used to run about books and food. 

I am Going to Live Forever

Im so excited

Guys, I have some really great news! Like fantastic news! It turns out that I am going to live forever. OK, not exactly forever cause that’s impossible, unless you’re a vampire or Betty White (and I’m not intimidating enough to be the former or cool enough to be the latter), but I am going to be living for a very, very long time. This is great news for my anxiety-riddled self. I’m always convinced that I have some new disease that’s going to kill me suddenly. It’s one of the main reasons I can’t watch House, ER, Grey’s Anatomy, or any of those other hospital shows: it just gives me new illnesses to obsess over. I will never get over the House episode where Michelle Trachtenberg has a mysterious illness that turns out to be a tick stuck inside her vagina cause she had some sexy time in the woods. (This is a real episode and one of the main reasons I will never be going camping with my imaginary boyfriend.)

This is the other reason I don't ever need to go camping.

This is the other reason I don’t ever need to go camping.

Sorry I lost my train of thought for a second. I got distracted by camping and Betty White. Back to my great news and how I am going to live for a REALLY long time. So a story broke today that brought so much joy to my little heart! Normally stories on the Internet make me want to adopt 25 dogs, move to Antarctica, and never interact with humans again. But this one was different. This story is about a 110-year-old woman who says the key to a long life is beer and shots. Three beers a day and one shot of scotch a day to be exact.

I'll drink to that

All you fools with your eating kale and running marathons. You all feel pretty dumb right now, don’t you? Put the green juice down right now (no drink should ever be green unless it’s Saint Patrick’s Day anyway) and have a beer, or three! I am on the fast track to living a very long life and I didn’t even know it. Downing three beers and a shot every day is easy work for me. I wonder if I double it, will I live to 220-years-old? I’ll just quit my day job and make drinking a full time career. I can write a book about it and everything. I’ll be the Jillian Michaels for degenerates.

professional drinker

Besides letting you guys know that you can expect posts from me for the next 70 years, this post also served as a way to get this blog back on track. Between being sad over dumb boys and stressing over my anxiety, I lost my focus a bit. But I am back on track and happier than ever now that I know I’m gonna live forever!