The Number One Rule of Dating

the rules of datin - he's just not that into you
When you start dating someone, you’re going to find yourself doing a lot of questioning. “Does this person like me?” “What exactly are they looking for?” “Am I coming on too strong?” “When should I sleep with them?” “Should I have ‘the talk’ or should I just wait it out?” So. Many. Questions.

You are going to turn to every outlet available to find the answers to these questions. Do a quick Google search of “When should I sleep with the person I’m dating?” and it will turn up millions of results. And each article you find will have a different response. Three dates. Five Dates. Three months. Marriage. Any situation you find yourself in, I guarantee someone else has been in that exact same position. Some other person has found themselves dealing with a person who doesn’t respond to texts fast enough or went from texting every day to completely MIA overnight. And I bet they even wrote a blog post about it to help the next person figure out how to handle it.

Aside from the always helpful Internet, there are real life people to turn to when your dating life gets a bit tricky. I know for myself my friends are always there with a helpful, “Fuck him. I hate him and he’s not worth the trouble.” They really mean well. They just want to help you out and don’t want to see you get hurt.

Well luckily your favorite blogger is here so you don’t have to turn to the Internet or real life people anymore. I’m here to hit you with some real truth. I have got all the dating advice you’ll ever need. Once you read this you’ll never have to take another “But what does this text really mean?” quiz ever again.

Here is the number one dating rule that everyone needs to follow:

1. Don’t follow any dating rules. Don’t listen to a stupid article that describes the proper way to act with someone that you’re dating. Do whatever you feel is right for your relationship and whatever makes you comfortable.

jenna marbles - mind blown

Your mind must be officially blown right now. But what about the rules??? Well lovely readers, I kindly say fuck the rules! You want to bang on the first date, go right ahead! You want to wait until you feel completely comfortable, no matter how long that may take, then do that.

Relationships and dating are not one size fits all. In the end of the day, it’s just you and that one other person involved in the situation. If you rely on strangers from the Internet or your friends to constantly dictate how to proceed with your relationship, then you’re doing it wrong.

However I will give you just one little piece of advice, even though I just said don’t listen to strangers from the Internet: When it comes to relationships and dating, you really need to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you. Don’t overthink sending a text or asking to hang out. Don’t over-analyze ever single text you receive. Plenty of times people really do just mean what they say and there isn’t some hidden code in a “Hey, what’s up?” text. But the second you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or badly about yourself, then you need to back away.

What the Hell is Wrong with Some People?

what the fuck is wrong with youFull disclosure, I was VERY close to naming this post “What the Fuck is Wrong with Some People?” but I backed out at the last minute. I should have went with the Fuck because that’s the exact question I ask when I come across the people I’m going to complain about below.

I’m one of those rare breeds that still believes humans are generally good. Sure there’s a lot of evil in this world and every time I read the comments on any online article, I second guess myself, but ultimately I think people are good. Maybe I’m naive but I just think that the good people overpower the evil. We just hear about the evil a whole lot better.

With that being said, you all know my blog is not known for its cutesy, feel good posts. So I’m not here to praise the good people in the world. I’m here to bitch about the horrible idiots roaming this world, making life incredibly annoying for the rest of us. There are just way too many times during the day that I find myself mentally shouting “What the fuck is wrong with you?” (I’d never actually do this out loud because I am a baby who avoids confrontation at all costs.) The majority of these “What the fuck is wrong with you?” mental shouts happen while I’m in my car. What is it about cars that really bring out the asshole in humans?

Here are just a few of the many things that make me want to scream “What the FUCK is wrong with you?”

  • When I hold the door for someone and they walk right through without even acknowledging it. My three-year-old nephew understands the concept of thank you, so should your grown ass!
  • People who do not understand how blinkers work. I am not a friggen mind reader. It takes two seconds to let someone know you’re turning right!
  • Those people who try to get on a train before everyone else has gotten off. This is common train etiquette people! You wait your turn. You do not try to shove your ass on the train before everyone else has gotten off!
  • People who listen to their music really loud on the train. Why does the person who feels the need to listen to Beyonce at the highest volume always sit next to me? I don’t want to hear your music. The train doesn’t want to hear your music. Nobody wants to hear your music. And, not to get all old lady on your ass, but lower your music before you do serious damage to your ear drums!
  • Loud gum chewers! Now I must admit that I can sometimes be a loud gum chewer. (What the fuck is wrong with me?!) But I recognize how annoying it is. Chewing gum is fine and completely socially acceptable. If you had some tuna fish for lunch, please pop some minty fresh Trident gum in your mouth. However, keep your mouth shut while chewing!
  • When I am walking down the street and the person in front of me stops for absolutely no reason. Unless a shirtless Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans are coming towards you, there is no reason whatsoever to stop in the middle of walking. (When the topless Chrises are involved, normal human behavior is out the window.) If you need to stop, move to the side or don’t get mad at me when I “accidentally” step on the back of your foot.
  • People who never eat carbs or dessert or greasy food, ever. Now, I know some of you may be thinking that this is more of a personal preference than normal manners that everyone should possess. However, I disagree. I’m all for being fit and healthy, but I think that there is seriously something wrong with a person who has gone 13+ years without eating a single french fry.
  • Litterbugs! Hate is a very strong word but I’ll say it, I hate people who litter. Garbage cans were invented for a reason people. And if you’re not near a garbage can at the moment, you hold on to your shit until you come across one.

I Am Personally Offended by This Thing That Has Nothing to Do With Me

Offense TakenFull Disclosure: Not everyone may agree with today’s post because it seems we live in a world where the PC thing to do is to get offended by anything possible.

I don’t agree with people when they look back at the 50’s and call it the “good ole’ days.” I’m so happy to be growing up in a time when people are not only encouraged to be themselves but celebrated for it. Sure, discrimination is still alive. Just look at the comments section of any article ever written on the internet and you’ll see that hate still prevails. You can’t erase ignorance and stupidity overnight. However, we have made so much progress. And I have a lot of faith in future generations to continue to become more and more accepting.

Unfortunately, some people have taken this way too far. I find myself on a daily basis reading an article and thinking, “Really? Who cares? Are we really getting this worked up over something so trivial?” Usually this happens when I read something on Buzzfeed, who likes to pull a few tweets from angry complainers and act like the whole world is outraged.

The cool thing at the moment is to be offended. If you’re not offended, then you’re an ignorant, privileged, asshole who is clearly out of touch with reality. But why wouldn’t you get offended these days? It’ll allow you to get your fifteen minutes of fame and you may even get a gift card out of it.

The latest story that has made me question if I’m genuinely missing something is the one about the girl in the Old Navy t-shirt. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about it, but if not, here it is.

As soon as I read the story, it struck me as someone making a mountain out of a molehill. A mother and a daughter made a statement about a tank top and this woman decides that she’s personally been victimized. So now we have to monitor the comments we make about clothing when we’re shopping because we may be viewed as insensitive? I feel bad for the woman in this story but not because of the comments made by the mother and daughter. I feel bad for her well-being if comments said by strangers about an article of clothing are going to send her over the edge.

If a tank top is big and someone calls it big, how is that offensive? I wonder how this story would have been perceived if it was about someone making comments about a size-small article of clothing. “This looks like it should be in Babies R Us.” “This wouldn’t go past my ankle.” Comments like these are made every day. People are allowed to make general observations about clothes while shopping.

I was once shopping at Forever 21 and overheard these girls make the following statement about leggings, “These are for those skinny bitches with no ass.” Well this skinny bitch with no ass was looking through those leggings so I can buy a pair. If I had known better, I should have taken a picture of myself in those leggings and posted a thesis about how I was personally victimized by the comments made by random strangers; comments that were not directed towards me but towards clothing. I probably could have gotten myself a lot more traffic to this blog and maybe a $50 gift card.

This woman being happy  and confident in her tank top is awesome. Women are bombarded with enough Photoshopped bodies that feeling comfortable in your own skin is an amazing thing. I applaud her for that. However, she could have done so without trying to bring down a mother and daughter who probably weren’t even aware of her presence in the store. I’ve seen comments calling the mother a horrible parent. Again, I have to ask, how does calling a big shirt big make someone a horrible mother? If I ever have a child, I’ll be sure to have them refrain from making comments about inanimate objects so I don’t accidentally offend someone.

Do I Call You My Ex? The Case of the “Almost Relationship”

Almost Lover A Fine FrenzyAs someone who dates a lot but never actually ends up in a relationship, I often come across what I like to refer to as the “almost relationship.” This happens when you meet someone and there is intrigue and attraction. You can tell this isn’t going to be a one-date deal. You start to get into a routine. You talk almost every day and see each other a few times a week. It definitely seems like it’s leading to something and then after a few weeks or a couple of months, it starts to fade. Plenty of times nothing is actually said to end the “almost relationship.” You just start to talk less and less.

I am the first to admit that the majority of the times my “almost boyfriends” have turned into someone that I used to know (try reading that without singing, I dare you) is because of me. A huge part of it is my insane fear of commitment. I always think I want to be a relationship and I genuinely don’t want to wind up alone for the rest of my life, but the second I see things starting to get serious, I put an end to it. I’ll usually find something about the guy that I don’t like. Something that I just cannot put up with so clearly I have to put an end to this whole thing before it gets serious. Most of the time it’s a completely superficial thing. It’s just my way of ending things before they get into territory that scares me.

Twice I have found myself on the other end, and the second time came last night. Let me just say that it’s a horrible feeling. It’s not so much losing the person. Sure I liked the guy but three weeks is a short amount of time. I’ll easily be able to get over him and move on. The worst part of these “almost relationships” ending is the way it makes you feel. This person is just getting to know you. They’ve only seen the preview of you and have already decided that they’ve had enough and need to back away as fast as possible. That is a really shitty feeling. It doesn’t matter how nice the guy is about it and whatever reason he gives, you will wake up feeling like assballs. At least, assballs is what I felt like this morning when I woke up.

Coming to terms with the ending of an “almost relationship” is never fun but having been on both sides, I have learned a few things. When someone ends something with you before it even starts, you’re going to feel like it’s all your fault. Clearly there is something wrong with you. And here’s the thing, a part of it is you. This person did decide that they don’t want to be with you. But it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

Overall, it is all about the other person. There can a million reasons that someone decides they don’t want to be in a relationship. There are plenty of guys I’ve let go that were great guys and would make great boyfriends. They just weren’t right with me. Actually, I’ve had to deal with the regret of ending an “almost relationship” prematurely. There is one boy in particular who I always regret ending things with. And there is nothing I can do about it now because he’s in a relationship with someone else. See how that works. He was the one who probably felt crappy at the end of our relationship and now he’s doing fine and I’m pining away.

For anyone dealing with end of an “almost relationship,” I know it sucks. It’s a major blow to your ego and you’re going to need a few days to wallow and feel sad. Do it. Complain to your friends all you want. But remember that you’re going to move on very quickly. This person wasn’t in your life long enough to even make a dent. Moving on will be easy. And you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Think of all the people that you came across, lovely people, who you realized that you didn’t want to be with. We’re not going to want to date every person we meet. There’d be no fun and excitement if that were the case. One day you’re going to find yourself in an “almost relationship” that will seamlessly flow into an actual relationship. It may just take a little longer than you hoped for. At least, I know it’s taking a lot longer for me.

Because I’m feeling melancholy today and it fits with the theme of this post, here’s one of my favorite sad songs:

And, don’t forget to leave me some love in the comments. Comments always make me happy. And a happy blogger means more upbeat, funny posts in the near future.

You Should Definitely Hire Me

Glee Im awesome I have a job interview tomorrow. For a full time position at a library. This is a big deal. I am still in school working to get my MLS degree. Full time positions in libraries for people who don’t have the degree yet are almost impossible to find. So naturally, I am super nervous. Please send good vibes my way! I’m going to need them.

Job interviews are the worst. I always wonder if the people doing the interviewing are as miserable as the people being interviewed. It can’t be enjoyable for them either. And I also wonder if they realize that so much of what’s being thrown at them is bullshit. You’re not getting the true me during an interview. I’m way too nervous and eager to please to relax  and show you what a totally awesome employee I can be. And I am an awesome employee. Ask anyone I’ve worked with. (Except the people at the Applebee’s where I worked for two weeks before quitting an hour before my shift over the phone. Those people probably hate my guts.)

I wouldn’t outright lie on an interview. (I’m way to scared to do that. All those CSI shows have made people really good at finding out the truth.) But when you ask me why I want the job, I’m not going to tell you the number one reason: I’m poor and can’t afford not to work. Interviews are basically just a game. Can I figure out what the interviewer wants to hear and say it coherently? And the interviewer needs to be able to see through the bullshit and decide what’s actually relevant to the job being offered.

Here’s how a real interview would go if I were being honest with the questions being asked:

Why are you leaving your current position? “Well here’s the thing, I’m not 100% sure if I’m leaving my current position yet. That depends on whether or not you are willing to pay me more than they do. If you are, then I’m leaving my current position cause my employers are cheap. If you aren’t willing to pay me more, then I’m not leaving my current position because you’re cheap.

Why do you want to work for us? “I have spent the past week sending out 100 resumes a day. Out of those 500 resumes sent, three people contacted me back and you are the only ones who invited me in for an interview. Beggars can’t be choosy so I’ll work for anyone who’s willing to hire me.”

What’s your greatest weakness? “The first time I got drunk I was 16. It was at a friend’s house party. My friend Pamela and I bought a bottle of Georgi vodka to drink. Yea I’m talking about the vodka of choice for homeless people that you see advertisements for on the back of buses. So my friend and I buy this bottle, bring it to our friend’s house, and proceed to finish the entire thing. When I was in high school, I was lucky I weighed 100 pounds and I decided to spend my first real drinking experience on a half bottle of cheap vodka. As you can imagine, it did not end well. I remember leaving the kitchen while jumping on my friend’s back. The next minute, it was morning and I was lying on the floor, in pajamas, with throw up in my hair. I do not remember anything from that night. March of this year, I went to a wedding. It was on a Sunday so I drove my car to the wedding because I had orientation for a job early the next morning in the city and I didn’t want to get home late. I was all set to be extremely responsible. Well the reception started and all my friends were taking shots and I felt left out. The night ended with my friend driving my car and me puking at least three times in his bathroom. Naturally, I didn’t make it to the orientation the next morning. So what I’m trying to say is that my greatest weakness would be that after 13 years of drinking regularly I still do not have a full grasp on my limit. But I have recognized that vodka is just not for me and that I really shouldn’t mix drinks, so I’m learning.”

How well do you handle pressure and stressful situations? “I deal. I may have a few panic attacks along the way but if you provide me with some wine, and possibly some Klonopins, I should be OK.”

Where do you see yourself in five years? “Oh my God! Why would you ask that? I just told you I have panic attacks! Now I’m slowly doing math in my head and, hold on give me a second…in five years…I’ll be…34! Thanks for reminding me of that! Is the AC on in here? It’s really hot in here, no? Oh boy, five years. 34-years-old. I hope I’m married, or at least in a long-term committed relationship. Dear God, please don’t let that relationship be with a cat. Oh God, definitely not a cat. If it HAS to be a non-human companion, at least be a dog. Um, wow! Five years from now. I don’t know man. I like to live in the moment. Yea! That’s it. I’m a care free individual who lives in the moment and doesn’t worry about the future. I like to focus on the task at hand. How could I get any important deadlines finished if I’m worrying about the next five years? So, um, great question. What’s the next one?”

What is your desired salary? “You’re seriously asking me that? You do realize that’s a ridiculous question that all HR people should throw away forever, right? You’re not fooling me. I know you know how much you’re going to pay me. Now it’s just my job to state an amount that’s within that range. If I go too low, you’re either going to think I don’t value myself enough or you’re gonna pay me that instead of the original higher amount. If I go too high, you’re going to think I’m insane for actually thinking I’m worth that much and immediately tell me to get out of your office. But since you’re asking, my desired salary is one million dollars. Go big or go home!”

Do you have any questions for us? “Actually I do. How much does this job pay and how many vacation days do I get?”

Note to anyone who wants to complain about lazy, ungrateful young workers these days and/or future employers: This entire post is completely ridiculous, and terribly over-exaggerated. I am actually an extremely dedicated worker, with perfect written and oral communication skills, looking for a company where I can truly grow. 

I Have a Lot to Say About Sayings

Horrible bosses show her the fifty statesI am going to warn you guys now, things may start to get a little weird around these parts. For the next three months, aside from work 4 days a week, I don’t have a lot else going on. No deadlines to make. No fifteen-page papers due. The only thing I really have to get done this summer is research for my thesis. But this is me we’re talking about so I won’t even start thinking about it until the middle of August and then curse myself for waiting until the last minute. (I bet you’re thinking, “Liz, what’s wrong with you? Just do a little every day and you won’t get overwhelmed.” Well, a. This is just who I am. It’s already been decided. I’ll convince myself I don’t need a lot of time to do the research and then curse myself for not giving myself more time to do the research. b. Don’t tell me how to live my life!)

Basically, the point I’m trying to make is that I am going to have a lot of time on my hands. Lots of time to do more posting which will most likely result in a lot of nonsensical rambling. But I promise to try to make that nonsensical rambling as entertaining as possible.

Today’s nonsensical ramblings will feature popular sayings, idioms, phrases. Whatever you call them, and no matter how cliche they may be, we’ve all used them. But if you really think about some of them they are pretty ridiculous!

I started thinking about sayings after the term “raining cats and dogs” popped into my head the other day. Totally ridiculous saying that makes absolutely no sense but perfectly described New York City Sunday night. It really was raining cats and dogs. And the weather hasn’t gotten much better since. It’s been cold, rainy, and gross this week in NYC. It’s really been rubbing me the wrong way and making me feel a bit under the weather. (See: this whole post is brought to you by sayings!)

It is what it is. This was said to me by a guy I was dating (and really liked) when he was ending things with me because he wasn’t over his ex. All of this was done through instant messenger. It’s safe to say that when I hear someone say this phrase I immediately have the urge to punch them in the face, repeatedly.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. I don’t even understand this saying. Does this conversation ever happen at a restaurant? Diner: Waiter, I would like a slice of the chocolate cake. Waiter: Excellent choice! Would you like a fork or spoon? Diner: Oh neither, I’m not going to actually EAT the cake. What do you take me for? I just want to look at it. What is the point of having cake if you’re not going to eat it?

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Being the procrastinator that I am, I actually love this saying. Let’s not worry about things until we really have to. In fact, when we get to that bridge we can spend a few days camping under it to buy ourselves some more time.

Best thing since sliced bread. Look, I love bread. Who doesn’t? And sliced bread really was a great invention cause it made sandwiches possible. But are we really going to declare sliced bread to be the best thing ever? Cars, computers, television, cupcakes…all these things and we go with sliced bread to be the beacon of modern inventions? Something doesn’t add up.

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I’d like to vote to change the phrase to simply be “Waking up.” Let’s not blame the bed. There is no wrong side of the bed. Beds are amazing. The problem is having to wake up and leave the bed. That’s what puts me in a foul mood.

Saved by the bell. Can anyone hear this saying and not think of Zack Morris? History lesson: I actually looked up the origins of this saying and it was rumored to have to do with helping people who may have been accidentally buried alive. A bell would be attached to the coffin so if the buried person suddenly woke up to discover they were wrongly laid to rest, they can just ring the bell to get help. Apparently, being buried alive happened quite a lot way back when. But sadly, this rumor isn’t true. The phrase refers to boxing. Not nearly as interesting.

Side note: If anyone takes it upon themselves to cry that I just don’t understand what the sayings actually mean, I will give you an “It is what it is” punch in the face!

Maybe I’m Not So Bad at this Whole Adult Thing

uiversally recognized as a mature and responsible adultSometimes I find myself taking a step back and really looking at my life. It’s a scary thing and I’m often left wondering, “Why do you even consider yourself a functioning member of society?”

I am failing at this adult thing in so many epic ways. I mean, there are people my age who own a house and have more than one kid! I feel like having a goldfish is too much responsibility.

But then I down a glass of wine and remind myself that it could be a lot worse. Sure I don’t have all my shit together but a portion of it is. And that has to count for something, right? So I’m going to take the time right now to go over all the awesome ADULT things I’ve got going for me. (Be warned: Lots of boasting up ahead!)

1. I have a savings account with a decent amount in it. I’m not rolling in the dough but if God forbid I lost my job, my savings would keep me afloat for several months.

2. I have a good credit score. Ya know those commercials? I have the kind of credit score that they’d sing about being “Very Goood!”

3. I pay all of my bills on time. (This explains the “very good” credit score.) I tend to pay my bills at least a week before they’re due so extra points for me.

4. I file my taxes on time every year. I may not do them myself but isn’t that what accountants are for? I get them done so that’s all that matters.

5. I make my own doctor’s appointments. I may not do it as regularly as I should. However, that has more to do with the fact that it’s still super expensive even with my insurance. But when something starts to seriously hurt, I make sure to get myself to a doctor before it gets any worse.

6. I work and am fully capable of holding down a job. In fact, I’ve never been fired from a job and since I was 15, I’ve only gone about two months without working.

7. There are several dishes that I am able to make in the kitchen without burning the house down. And no, these dishes do not include toast and Kraft mac and cheese. Some of these dishes I can make without even using a recipe book!

8. I just survived one full year of grad school and managed to get good grades in all my classes. All this was done while holding down several different jobs. If that’s not adulting, then I don’t know what is.

So now I encourage you to toot your own horn. How are you just killing it at this whole adult thing?